I’m not one to ever deeply open up about my feelings but I’m really not sure anymore. I tend to be more emotionally reserved, continuously trying to stay happy and keep my hopes up for my peers and my family but eventually it gets old, you know? It’s seriously getting tiring. These past few days, my emotional barrier seems to be breaking down and honestly, it’s not too bad, I guess. I’m a lot more blunt and honest with not only myself but other people. I’m not as afraid of social situations and advances like I used to be and I don’t take much to heart.
It’s just annoying and upsetting how now that I’m changing, I’m looking back and realizing how unhappy and generally upset I was with having to wear that mask and feeling obligated to control my emotions based on how others felt or wanted me to feel. I never really allowed myself to thoroughly go through the process of handling a problem. Where I come from, a lot of people don’t really handle it, they just put up with it. However, I’m sick of putting up with problems instead of actually fixing them like I generally should. A smile isn’t gonna fix anything. A smile isn’t gonna make anything go away. It’s just a coping mechanism for just putting up with it.
It all just angers me, the way I used to deal with things. I was more of a pushover when I was younger. Then, in my middle school years, I was still a pushover but a very aggressive pushover. That just made people want to walk over me more lol. I’ve never been confrontational either which is also another reason why I dealt with what I did. I know I sound like I’m just being all mopey and drawn out but just looking back, it all upsets me overall and I wish I’d been like I am now. It’s just been on my mind all week, especially with the changes I’ve seen within myself.
I’m overall happy with the new changes, though, whether anyone else agrees with it or not. It’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I’m a lot more calmer and connected with myself on things I would’ve flipped out about at least two weeks ago. It’s weird how you can change a lot in a short period of time but it feels so good and I hope I just stay like this. This is what I needed. <3
Wow! Story of my life. (Inserts emoji, with hand on my head.)