Category: COVID-19 Reads

So, we all know 2020 was a pretty crappy year. Thankfully it is over now, but was it just a bad year?  Or the start to a bad decade?

I’d like to say now that a vaccine is created for Covid-19 that things will get better, but so many people, including healthcare workers do not wanna take it because they are scared because it came out “too fast”.  In reality, it went through all the same testing all other vaccines go through. The only reason it was developed faster was because several more people volunteered to help in it’s making. So the testing and development process was done faster.  I mean, they make a new flu vaccine every year and that has never been unsafe.  The only real problem that could happen is an allergic reaction to one of the ingredients, but if you communicate all of your allergies to the person giving it like you are supposed to do, there is nothing to worry about.  After all this thing was developed by professionals, and a vaccine has never been recalled for being dangerous.

The only thing I understand worrying about is possible side effects coming up in the future, but chances of that are slim to none.  I wish people would just trust the professionals and just stop making opinions that are so far away from the reality of anything.  

I personally didn’t get along with 2020, although it wasn’t all bad.  I got into this amazing school and made it onto the BHS Basketball team (which is very good).  The worst part was definitely lock down.  I don’t mind being by myself for a bit, but being trapped with my family was the worst.  Any mental health I had completely went out the window and got ran over by a semi-truck. 

I felt like I was in a nightmare. Everyday felt the same. It was groundhog day in real life.  All I wanted to do was sleep to make the days pass faster, but alas that worked about as well as trying to break a wall with a plastic spoon.  

So yeah, I hope 2021 will be better, hopefully people will take the vaccine once other people do and don’t explode or whatever they think will happen. 

Here’s to a good, covid-free year, hopefully.  

Also, wear your masks and stop going to large gatherings without them. Yes I’m looking at you Karen.

We all ready for this pandemic to be over. 

What does the dreaded corona feel like? 

In short, you feel like a zombie rising from the dead.  You have no energy at all, in fact I’m struggling to write this right now.  My throat hurts, I’ve lost my voice, my head hurts, my muscles ache, I’m drowning in my own mucus, my stomach hurts and I feel nauseous, along with symptoms that come and go.  I’ve even had a lot of visual disturbances.  So yeah, stay safe guys.  Honestly since my symptoms started, I have barely been able to do anything.  I feel like my life is just going on without me and I’m just stuck here without it, caught in some weird time loop.  Everyday is pretty much the same.  Nothing exciting happens.  I finally had the energy to shower today, and I know that sounds gross, but listen, I feel like I’ve been thrown off a cliff…  

I’m so sick, but I’m more sick of how I can’t see or hug my friends. I can’t go see my family for Christmas this year. Can’t do this, can’t do that.  Everything seems so, bleeeeehhhhhh. Honestly, that’s the best way I can describe it.  So, for the love of not feeling like a undead beast, wear your mask, and wear it right.  

 

Hey kitty gurls! It is me again, and can I just say that I have been feeling very nostalgic recently? Like, I recently have just had all these events coinciding with one another causing me to reflect on my past. 

To start, I took a trip to New Orleans because that is what me and my family always do. The stench and filth just really keeps em’ coming back! No, I am just kidding. (I am not a big fan of New Orleans, but I think it’s because I’ve gone so much.) NOLA really is a place with rich culture and fun times, when everything is open. It was such a downfall when almost every restaurant or shop we used to go to was closed. We literally just partied in the hotel room which we could have just done at our house for free. It was such a buzzkill. The universe was almost just pissing on our past and present. I blame this on COVID-19, obviously. I am not going to sit here and make the entire blog about COVID-19, however. We are all sick of it.  

Friendly Reminder: Please wear your masks correctly and social distance, and thanks to the people who do not have to be reminded. 

I am sorry if any of what I just said seemed shallow. Trips to New Orleans have been so consistent within my life since I was but a wee baby. My brother even has a New Orleans inspired tattoo. Everything being shut down just seemed like we were the mere survivors of an apocalypse. Walking alone down the streets, and not even the rats were to be seen.  

It is extremely tragic to think of what our world has become. You can take a place like New Orleans- known for its’ colorful jazzy, party vibes. Great! Then, you take that away and all the fun life has just been savagely ripped from the heart of the city. We need to file a lawsuit with the universe! Like, what is that? Who told someone at headquarters that that was okay? 

I may be ranting, but someone needed to say it. Following back to the nostalgia, get this hot gossip. I had an old friend group, and we were closer than blood. Until one of them blew it all up for a boyfriend. Was I mad at her? Yes and no. Yes, because I loved what we had, but I also had room to grow on my own some now. After a couple months, (maybe even a year or two) of absolutely no connection whatsoever, she texts. It was so out of the blue. I was gooped, gagged, and everything in between. Do I give this person another chance? I think I should. Everyone learns and grows and evolves into different people. 

It almost ties back to my last blog post. We should strive to see what people can become and not what they may have been or are stuck being in the moment. New Orleans is just a little droopy now but give it time and it will no doubt rise or even surpass its’ former glory. An ex friend could just be my new best Judy, again. To anyone reading this, just keep on keeping on because it can get better. 

Back to school can be a thrilling and terrifying time. Usually before heading back to school during the summer, (or fall) summer memories are made with friends and family. Adjustments are being made to better adapt to a school schedule. If you’re an athlete, you might be trying desperately to get back into shape. But, when there is a global pandemic breathing down our necks (something it has the privilege to do unmasked) getting ready for back to school is ANYTHING but normal.

Usually I would shop for the cutest shoes and nicest clothing, instead the pandemic forced me to look for masks with a more creative flair. I was left asking myself, “Would this mask work with these shoes?” (Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t!!!) No one can even see my shiny lip gloss. The hunt for sanitizer is even more wild. I had to order bulk of it because the shelves of  stores were as vacant as the school parking lot post spring break. (I’m still not over how we thought we just had an extra week at home…) 

Anywho, if  you do plan on physically going back to school, here’s a list of needed essentials:

• Masks- I would recommend getting ones made mainly with nylon, they’re breathable, but still do a GREAT job of protecting you from Mrs. Rona.
• Personal Sanitizer- I can not stress enough how important this is and always will be. Ever since the pandemic things that were unappealing to me now are just plain disgusting. Sanitize those hands, friends!!!
• Patience- No one else is probably going to tell you this, but patience is definitely going to be needed when heading back to school after 6 months of a needed, but unsuspected vacation. NOTHING is going to be “normal”. You’re only going to see people top half of their face (weird, right??) 

Now, that some essentials have been named, be sure to collect them with normal school supplies. It may be a minute before we are truly back to the way things were, but hold on to hope that WE WILL GET THERE. Be safe friends and be sure to protect yourself.

 

 

[I interrupt my prescheduled blog series to talk about my feelings once again.]

Guys,

I know I promised a post about chapbook, but when life hands you lemons… sometimes you fall apart.

I am a person who thrives on order and control. However, my life has been anything but the last few weeks. I haven’t been completing any of the tasks I’ve written in my planner, and I’ve seriously considered not planning anymore. The world has been turned upside down, so it’s hard to plan ahead in a time where nothing is certain.

Today, I moved out of my dorm, and it was bittersweet, but it was also eye opening. I HAD SO MUCH STUFF, like if you know, you know. It’s honestly crazy to me how much stuff I had. I am definitely going to be doing some SERIOUS purging. I have also learned that just because you like something does not mean you need 50 of them 🤦🏽‍♀️. This time is a time of reflection and learning for me.

I also think it’s God forcing me to let go and let him guide me, instead of me trying to do it all on my own. Growing up, my parents were always working and my siblings were all way older than me, so I was alone a lot, and I did, in some ways, have to take care of myself. It made me independent, and I think that’s my problem— I’m too independent, for my age at least. Sometimes I forget that I’m only 16, and that I don’t have to have it together 24/7. Sometimes I can just be a kid! My mom reminds me of that one all the time 😅. But it’s not my will, it’s God’s. I can’t control everything, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to.

The past 2 weeks have been especially trying for me. I forgot what it was and turned my blog in way late, and the two after that, I typed on the day they were supposed to post. Then, I missed my first assignment deadline. It’s been a sort of downward spiral for me, and I feel like a failure. I know that a couple late assignments aren’t such a big deal to some, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I’m not necessarily competitive, but I am very insecure about a lot of aspects in my life, so I overcompensate by trying to be “the best” and being on top of things all the time. However, I am learning about a thing called forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t just for other people; it’s for myself too! And I forgive myself!! I’m not perfect, and it gets exhausting trying to be all the time. One of my goals for 2020, was to “Let go and let God”, so that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not easy, but I am slowing giving up that control and those burdens I put on myself, so that I can be made new.

I know that this blog is titled, “Who Am I?”, but the truth is” I don’t know anymore, and maybe I never really did. However, I am learning and growing, so I may not know who I am right now, but I hope by the end of all this, I will.

---

Thanks for reading!

Hey, guys. I hope quarantine has been groovy for all of you. (:

(except the people throwing parties everyday…yeah, you know who you are; I hope your fries have too much salt)

Well, it looks like I am typing my second-to-last blog as a junior. For awhile, I debated about typing something intriguing—like an examination of the secrets of the universe—but I decided to stick with my good ol’ monthly series (my last one…probably forever…). Besides, you can not handle the vast expanse of knowledge that I have gathered from my travels through the star systems, I—have been watching too much Star Wars apparently. 

I have typed so many regretful blogs in which I have ranted. Dear committed readers who have traveled through my excessive explosion of words, I pity you. I pity you because you probably know all about my love for new wave music, tacos, and synthesizers. I pity you because you probably know more about Tears for Fears than the average individual (they are releasing a new album probably next year, so run for your lives before I type another review). I pity you because I have subjected you all to my humor, my words, my existence. My blogs are adventures that few survive, but I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Because, past all of the random typos and slightly pompous (and idiotic) phrasing, this is who I am.

---

(This is my second attempt at writing this blog post…sigh.)

---

So, school was practically cancelled. I usually anticipate the worst, but hearing the news made me realize how much hope I had.

I am so sick of seeing houses with twenty cars parked nearby, inflatable bouncy castles, and convoys of speeding cars driven by teenagers. Hm, I wonder why the number of cases will not drop?

I feel like we are in the midst of summer…only with virtual learning, stress, and apathy. Time and time again, life proves itself to be a roller coaster of events and emotions. On one hand, you can seize the opportunity to make use of your time and plan for the future. But on the other hand, why? When will this end? What is the point of planning ahead when an impossible number of days exist between now and tomorrow?

Some days, I could not care less. I love all of this extra time. And when online work ceases to exist, I will have time to approach long-awaited projects. But some days I wake up bitter and annoyed. I want to do nothing. I immerse myself in anything but reality, or I dwell on the bottomless amount of negatives. The workload, although minimal, feels impossible. And I count the days despite not having anything to count down to.

What is the point of anything? Pessimism arrives without fail, day after day. I read my old blogs and hate them. I read anything I have written…hate it. And then I think of my laughable attempts to stay optimistic and help people. What is the point of optimism and humor if it does nothing? What is the point of moving forward if you only run in place? I hate constantly finding myself captured in in-between places.

But guess what?

Running in place is not a useless exercise. Anything counts. Tomorrow does exist, and what is the point of tomorrow if you ignore today?

I wake up in the morning and think of everything I have lost and all that is uncertain. But seriously? Does it matter? Yes, it does, but is quarantine that horrible? I used to wake up in a rush, and I drank the majority of my coffee in a crowded elevator. But now I savor it. And everyday I have coffee, and everyday my mom pours me a cup. She does this without me having to ask…everyday.

Sometimes I allow the fog of pessimism to absorb my attention, shrouding everything with a grey tint. But the sun has continued to set, streaking the sky with pink and purple. I love sunsets beyond belief; they fill my heart with something indescribable. Sometimes I want to lie in a patch of clovers and watch the pink clouds crawl across the sky, watching as the world slips into a purple pool of fading light. Sometimes the sky seems so immense, so appealing. I wish I could sink into it.

I am sick of hearing about the “new normal”. I am sick of fear and uncertainty and disappointment. I am sick of holding onto what used to be; I want to let go, let my mind breathe.

Allow yourself time to settle. Get sick of daydreams or loudly cry into your journal. But you need to wake up; do not spend this multitude of “todays” asleep in life. But then you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the days you grieved over stale chicken sandwiches, for all of the days you stared at your ceiling for hours and ignored those you should have thanked. Forgive yourself for all of what you took for granted. Forgive yourself for not saying good-bye.

I have spent so many days asleep in life, lately. I have lived only halfway; I have wanted to live halfway. But why? Some of it is justified, I will say, but come on…

Yes, this—to state it plainly—sucks. I am introvert who dislikes large social gatherings, but even I think this sucks. 

But you must move forward. Let go, please. You are only hurting yourself. Stop counting the days. Stop wishing. And stop pretending that everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

I was forced to learn a lot this month. I spent many hours staring at my computer and plowing through homework, less stressed but lacking motivation. I listened to music ninety percent of every day (which will not change), and I clung to useless fragments of a past routine. But I learned to persevere even on the days I felt overwhelmingly grey and empty. I learned (and am still learning) to be patient with my surroundings and appreciate the privileges I once had (*an empty dorm room*).

All in all, I have felt unnecessarily irritated, bitter, and apathetic. I have listened to The Cure at a loud volume (but I do that anyway, hah), and I have hid in my room like a hermit detesting much interaction. But I have realized the benefits of such an extraordinary (extra ordinary) occurrence, and I am learning to have patience and greater appreciation. I am learning to resist over-dramatic reactions (school being cancelled does not warrant a hundred journal entries of complaints). Anyway, I have had to learn a lot. And although it sucks to have the end of this school year ripped away, I still have my senior year (cue the confused panic).

I am about to empty out my dorm room, so hopefully that should establish a sense of finality in my mind. Because, for some reason, I feel that I will wake up in my room on the sixth floor and see my fantastic suitemate next door before we run to class. I feel that I will take the elevator with my seniors and see them in class. But I am about to be the senior. I already had my last day as a junior on campus, and I can do nothing to change that. I can do nothing to change the fact that everything will be different.

So, after all of this rambling, what is my message?

Well, when online work ends, I am about to wreak havoc. Flower pots need painting, music discoveries need to be made, and synthesizer riffs need attention.

Oh, wait, the message, yes…enough about me.

Stop hating everything. Wake up, please. Let go of what is holding you back, even if it is temporary. Explore today and have hope. Indulge in dreams and wishes for the future, but do not detach yourself from reality. Get out of your head; do not sink into a convoluted headspace. Take care of yourself, and extend your attention to the well-being of others. In-between places will drag you into an inescapable abyss if you possess the wrong mindset. You need to escape your worries, your uncertainty, and you must take control of the present. What can you do for yourself right now? What can you do now that will positively affect your future? How can you help those around you? Never give up.

There are times when I despise everything I create, everything I have influenced. There are times when I read old blogs and cringe because I am an absolute laughingstock. And there are times when I would rather isolate myself completely than confront obligations and disappoint everyone.

But the sun rises; the sun sets. The moon, although often out of sight, always brightens the darkest of skies. Dandelions grow between the cracks in the asphalt, resilient as ever. Your lungs take in oxygen without much conscious thought (you are now aware of your breathing…haha). Do whatever makes you happy, even if it is ranting about new wave music to exasperated listeners. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds and dream of impossible things like stepping into the sky and falling into a world of color. You influence the earth in so many ways; you are connected to so many other individuals.

Therefore, in conclusion, I have one last question: Who are you in spite of all of this?

Thank you.

---

Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Monstera deliciosa (Swiss cheese plant):

This is one of my favorite plants. I love the leaves and the name. Perhaps it translates to “delicious monster”?

Until next time. (:

Hey guys,

I’ll be honest— it’s 8am, and I am frantically typing this blog post, as we make the long drive home, but instead of a post about chapbooks, I’m going to just talk about what’s been going on in my life recently.

Most of you all know that a tornado came through late Sunday night and destroyed most of our little town. Now, we are in the process of cleaning up and trying to rebuild, but also in the process of healing.

Just last week we were social distancing and trying to find toilet paper and hand sanitizer, but now, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve hugged and how many tears I’ve shed. It’s surreal to me because quarantine seems like a distant memory, but how are people supposed to isolate themselves when they’ve lost everything?

Our community, with no hesitation, has come together to heal and rebuild, and it’s inspiring, but also, quite concerning. I mean, on top of everything, people can’t afford to contract a deadly virus because they weren’t taking proper safety precautions, and my family and I are no exception. However, we’ve all been told to stay home for the last few months, but how can you stay home when you no longer have a home? It’s a dilemma that I’d never thought I’d have to question, and it’s almost if natural disaster and destruction have taken precedence over the pandemic.

Priorities and level-headedness have gone out the window— taken away by trauma and tragedy. So, where do we go from here?

Personally, I was fortunate enough to only have some minor roof damage to my house and no power for a week. However, we lost the roof and ceiling of our family business; consequently, causing us to lose most everything inside the building too. It’s been quite emotional for me, especially because I was raised there, took my first steps there, learned how to read and write there; it’s not just a place or a source of income for us. It’s a part of us. It’s home, and to see your home and childhood memories in ruins is devastating.

However, what’s more devastating is that the damage depicted in those photos are so minuscule in comparison to others’ damage. There are entire houses that were blown away, as if there was nothing there to begin with. It’s incredible, and all we can do is pray.

Usually, I’m not one to talk about things like this, especially on a public platform because I never want to relay the message that I am seeking attention and/or pity, but I think that in the time we’re in, things like this need to be talked about. It has really put things into perspective, especially during quarantine when most of us have been complaining about staying home and being bored. And, I’ll admit, at first I was resentful because this all felt like a big punishment, as if cancelling school and all events weren’t already bad enough, but my perspective has changed. If this had happened at a normal time, things would be tremendously harder. I mean, I would still be in school, worried about being at home, not being able to focus. Business would be bad because we would’ve had to shut down abruptly, but since it’s happened in the middle of all this, business was already pretty slow and we were only doing take-out. So, in a way, it’s kind of a blessing. It’s a fresh start and a new beginning.

---

I planned on posting about chapbooks for National Poetry Month this week, but since I am currently working on my second one for my Mixed Media final, I thought I’d just share that next week. Thank you all for being patient with me during this transition. <3