Hey, guys. I hope quarantine has been groovy for all of you. (:
(except the people throwing parties everyday…yeah, you know who you are; I hope your fries have too much salt)
Well, it looks like I am typing my second-to-last blog as a junior. For awhile, I debated about typing something intriguing—like an examination of the secrets of the universe—but I decided to stick with my good ol’ monthly series (my last one…probably forever…). Besides, you can not handle the vast expanse of knowledge that I have gathered from my travels through the star systems, I—have been watching too much Star Wars apparently.
I have typed so many regretful blogs in which I have ranted. Dear committed readers who have traveled through my excessive explosion of words, I pity you. I pity you because you probably know all about my love for new wave music, tacos, and synthesizers. I pity you because you probably know more about Tears for Fears than the average individual (they are releasing a new album probably next year, so run for your lives before I type another review). I pity you because I have subjected you all to my humor, my words, my existence. My blogs are adventures that few survive, but I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Because, past all of the random typos and slightly pompous (and idiotic) phrasing, this is who I am.
(This is my second attempt at writing this blog post…sigh.)
So, school was practically cancelled. I usually anticipate the worst, but hearing the news made me realize how much hope I had.
I am so sick of seeing houses with twenty cars parked nearby, inflatable bouncy castles, and convoys of speeding cars driven by teenagers. Hm, I wonder why the number of cases will not drop?
I feel like we are in the midst of summer…only with virtual learning, stress, and apathy. Time and time again, life proves itself to be a roller coaster of events and emotions. On one hand, you can seize the opportunity to make use of your time and plan for the future. But on the other hand, why? When will this end? What is the point of planning ahead when an impossible number of days exist between now and tomorrow?
Some days, I could not care less. I love all of this extra time. And when online work ceases to exist, I will have time to approach long-awaited projects. But some days I wake up bitter and annoyed. I want to do nothing. I immerse myself in anything but reality, or I dwell on the bottomless amount of negatives. The workload, although minimal, feels impossible. And I count the days despite not having anything to count down to.
What is the point of anything? Pessimism arrives without fail, day after day. I read my old blogs and hate them. I read anything I have written…hate it. And then I think of my laughable attempts to stay optimistic and help people. What is the point of optimism and humor if it does nothing? What is the point of moving forward if you only run in place? I hate constantly finding myself captured in in-between places.
But guess what?
Running in place is not a useless exercise. Anything counts. Tomorrow does exist, and what is the point of tomorrow if you ignore today?
I wake up in the morning and think of everything I have lost and all that is uncertain. But seriously? Does it matter? Yes, it does, but is quarantine that horrible? I used to wake up in a rush, and I drank the majority of my coffee in a crowded elevator. But now I savor it. And everyday I have coffee, and everyday my mom pours me a cup. She does this without me having to ask…everyday.
Sometimes I allow the fog of pessimism to absorb my attention, shrouding everything with a grey tint. But the sun has continued to set, streaking the sky with pink and purple. I love sunsets beyond belief; they fill my heart with something indescribable. Sometimes I want to lie in a patch of clovers and watch the pink clouds crawl across the sky, watching as the world slips into a purple pool of fading light. Sometimes the sky seems so immense, so appealing. I wish I could sink into it.
I am sick of hearing about the “new normal”. I am sick of fear and uncertainty and disappointment. I am sick of holding onto what used to be; I want to let go, let my mind breathe.
Allow yourself time to settle. Get sick of daydreams or loudly cry into your journal. But you need to wake up; do not spend this multitude of “todays” asleep in life. But then you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the days you grieved over stale chicken sandwiches, for all of the days you stared at your ceiling for hours and ignored those you should have thanked. Forgive yourself for all of what you took for granted. Forgive yourself for not saying good-bye.
I have spent so many days asleep in life, lately. I have lived only halfway; I have wanted to live halfway. But why? Some of it is justified, I will say, but come on…
Yes, this—to state it plainly—sucks. I am introvert who dislikes large social gatherings, but even I think this sucks.
But you must move forward. Let go, please. You are only hurting yourself. Stop counting the days. Stop wishing. And stop pretending that everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.
I was forced to learn a lot this month. I spent many hours staring at my computer and plowing through homework, less stressed but lacking motivation. I listened to music ninety percent of every day (which will not change), and I clung to useless fragments of a past routine. But I learned to persevere even on the days I felt overwhelmingly grey and empty. I learned (and am still learning) to be patient with my surroundings and appreciate the privileges I once had (*an empty dorm room*).
All in all, I have felt unnecessarily irritated, bitter, and apathetic. I have listened to The Cure at a loud volume (but I do that anyway, hah), and I have hid in my room like a hermit detesting much interaction. But I have realized the benefits of such an extraordinary (extra ordinary) occurrence, and I am learning to have patience and greater appreciation. I am learning to resist over-dramatic reactions (school being cancelled does not warrant a hundred journal entries of complaints). Anyway, I have had to learn a lot. And although it sucks to have the end of this school year ripped away, I still have my senior year (cue the confused panic).
I am about to empty out my dorm room, so hopefully that should establish a sense of finality in my mind. Because, for some reason, I feel that I will wake up in my room on the sixth floor and see my fantastic suitemate next door before we run to class. I feel that I will take the elevator with my seniors and see them in class. But I am about to be the senior. I already had my last day as a junior on campus, and I can do nothing to change that. I can do nothing to change the fact that everything will be different.
So, after all of this rambling, what is my message?
Well, when online work ends, I am about to wreak havoc. Flower pots need painting, music discoveries need to be made, and synthesizer riffs need attention.
Oh, wait, the message, yes…enough about me.
Stop hating everything. Wake up, please. Let go of what is holding you back, even if it is temporary. Explore today and have hope. Indulge in dreams and wishes for the future, but do not detach yourself from reality. Get out of your head; do not sink into a convoluted headspace. Take care of yourself, and extend your attention to the well-being of others. In-between places will drag you into an inescapable abyss if you possess the wrong mindset. You need to escape your worries, your uncertainty, and you must take control of the present. What can you do for yourself right now? What can you do now that will positively affect your future? How can you help those around you? Never give up.
There are times when I despise everything I create, everything I have influenced. There are times when I read old blogs and cringe because I am an absolute laughingstock. And there are times when I would rather isolate myself completely than confront obligations and disappoint everyone.
But the sun rises; the sun sets. The moon, although often out of sight, always brightens the darkest of skies. Dandelions grow between the cracks in the asphalt, resilient as ever. Your lungs take in oxygen without much conscious thought (you are now aware of your breathing…haha). Do whatever makes you happy, even if it is ranting about new wave music to exasperated listeners. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds and dream of impossible things like stepping into the sky and falling into a world of color. You influence the earth in so many ways; you are connected to so many other individuals.
Therefore, in conclusion, I have one last question: Who are you in spite of all of this?
Wednesday’s Fun Fact:
Monstera deliciosa (Swiss cheese plant):
This is one of my favorite plants. I love the leaves and the name. Perhaps it translates to “delicious monster”?
Until next time. (: