“Exposing” Depeche Mode

Depeche Mode "Music For The Masses Tour" 1987-1988

Welcome to part three of my Depeche Mode blog series. Search for the following titles to read parts one and two: “Help, I’ve Fallen for Depeche Mode and Can’t Get Up” and “Our Hobby is Depeche Mode”. So far I have given a basic overview of the band and discussed the discernible loyalty and enthusiasm of its fans. But in this part, I will answer—to the best of my ability—one question: who is Depeche Mode, really?

You probably are familiar with quite a few of their songs and know their basic story. Vince Clarke helped form the band before leaving and was replaced by Alan Wilder who also left. You probably are familiar with the Violator album and “Strangelove” and have a general idea who is who in the band. Perhaps you have written a hundred Depeche Mode essays your entire life. Or perhaps you have never encountered this frequently black-and-white pictured band before, wearing leather and serious expressions. Whatever your standing with the band, I hope you enjoy or learn something from this blog post. I am just a fan writing this is my spare time. Thank you!

Depeche Mode: Who Are They Really?


Vince Clarke – Doriano CartaVince Clarke, born in 1960, was raised in Basildon, England. The first instrument he learned was the oboe, and then he tried his hand at violin and piano before taking a liking to the guitar. After saving up money and buying a stereo record player, Vince fell in love with “emotional electronic music” by the Human League and Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. He left school at the age of fifteen and worked various jobs to buy guitars. 

In 1977, Vince and a friend—Andrew Fletcher—formed a band named No Romance in China. They were sixteen at the time and inspired by the simplistic richness of the Cure’s album Three Imaginary Boys. But that changed when Andy’s friend Martin Gore joined the band. At first, Martin was on the fence about joining, as he was a part of a band named Norman and the Worms with a few other friends, not wanting to make a decision that would hurt anyone’s feelings. But he committed to the band and introduced something crucial to the band’s development: the synthesizer. After seeing Martin play the synthesizer, Vince saved up to buy one and persuaded Andy to do the same. Synthesizers were a hot topic at the time, for in the late seventies and early eighties, new wave was emerging from the embers of punk. But Depeche Mode sort of picked up the popular instrument unintentionally. To them, the synthesizer was a punk instrument. It was easier to learn from scratch, cheaper than alternative instruments, and liberating in its novelty and endless possibility. The three older teenagers formed a band called Composition of Sound in 1980.

Andrew Fletcher ♥︎ #Andy #Fletch #young #DM #fire #dazzling #striking  #nice-looking #loveforever #andrewfletcher #devote… | Depeche mode, Martin  gore, Band pictures

Andrew Fletcher also was born in 1960 and grew up in Basildon. Because the town expanded so quickly and available jobs were filled, Basildon became a violent town (Depeche Mode was born on the punk movement). Andy was once very involved with the church and Basildon’s social life. Apparently him and Vince Clarke were a part of something known as the Boy’s Brigade (that Martin also attended, convinced by Andy), went to church every day, and were on the “preaching side”—trying to convert non-believers in the Christian religion. Many of Martin’s songs have some religious elements because of this. Anyway, Fletch excelled in politics at school but turned down a degree in order to work at an insurance company. Here is an interesting quote from him, made in 1993: “My whole life is dealing with numbers; I don’t find it very stimulating making music. I’m a useless musician. When I played bass, I never had any ambitions to be a great bass player, and when I took up keyboards, I never had any ambitions to be a great keyboard player. With the band, I still find the whole job challenging and rewarding, the fact of creating something and releasing it, the marketing, the promotion side of things. That’s quite interesting, selling our products.” It is also known that Andy only joined the band because Vince needed someone to help carry out his ideas. To end with some random, not-so-common knowledge, Andy describes himself as a patriotic Brit and ordinary and simple, and he likes football and politics. 

Martin Gore = #Martin #DM #young #cute #gorgeous #irresistible #loveforever  #amazing #martingore #devotee #?? · Loo… | Martin gore, Depeche mode,  Keith richards

Martin L. Gore was born in 1961 and moved with his family to Basildon at a young age. He lived a relatively normal childhood and was mostly passive, and he was always quite introverted—having none or only a few friends and reading fairytales alone in his room. But Martin grew up believing his stepfather was his real father, when all along his biological father was actually African American. This is surprising because Martin is, well, very British and pale. Martin took a particular liking to music at a young age and read and memorized song lyrics in magazines. His parents bought him his first guitar on his twelfth birthday. Interestingly enough, Martin enjoyed school quite a bit and excelled in languages such as German. His first job was at a bank. Anyway, Martin hated Basildon and wanted to leave as soon as possible, and being in a band was his way of escape.

Dave Gahan was born in 1962. When his biological father left when Dave was at a very young age, his mother remarried and moved to Basildon. He grew up believing his stepdad was his real father, and complications arose when his stepdad died and his biological father randomly turned up. This created a lot of distrust in Dave, and he grew out of hand and always got himself into a bit of trouble. He hated school—and dropped out at the age of sixteen— and would stare out of classroom windows, and when teachers would query what he was looking at, he would say something like, “Nothing, but it’s a lot more interesting than what’s going on in here.” He had no interest in school, as he only saw it as a sure route to a typical job that would quickly become repetitive. He was only interested in attending gigs later in the day. Dave hung around just about every kind of crowd. He even got into punk and dyed his hair many colors, but eventually he grew bored of the style because, in a way, punk style developed a sort of norm. Being quite an attention-seeker, Dave was arrested a good amount for graffiti and stealing cars to go joyriding before sometimes setting them on fire. Dave eventually became involved less with this kind of life and went to some kind of art school to study fashion; the number of absences he collected had him kicked out. All in all, Dave had a pretty exciting youth to say the least, and this is only the surface.

After hearing Dave Gahan sing “Heroes” by David Bowie, Vince, Andy, and Martin knew they had found their front man. And when Dave joined the band, everything began to change. They went from small gigs that were not even minor successes to playing in London and Essex to sometimes hundreds of people, as Dave was fairly popular and was a part of countless crowds. The original three band members took an interest in him not only because he could sing, but because of his extroverted and confident personality, many connections, and flashy New Romantics style. In its early days, the band tried to adopt a New Romantics look, and Dave pulled it off the best. In the Speak and Spell era, the band attracted a lot of New Romantics because of this. After playing a few gigs together, Dave recommended naming the band Depeche Mode after a fashion magazine he came across while studying fashion. Although they lacked much ambition to make it big, content with the gigs they played for hundreds, the band made a demo tape. They took this tape to numerous record companies and were turned down by each one. However, David Miller approached them after a gig—where Depeche Mode was an opening act—and asked them to record a single with Mute Records. This was a bit ironic because, in the past, David Miller walked out of the room after seeing Depeche Mode and their demo tape. Depeche has stayed with Mute and Miller even to this day because of the small company’s honesty and other good qualities—in comparison to major record companies who are notorious for being cold and greedy. Anyway, “Photographic” was recorded and released as Depeche Mode’s first single. I respect Depeche Mode a lot because of their origins; they came a long way. They had to build their career themselves with a small record company only acting as a their partner in the business. They traveled modestly and were not excessive.

Depeche Mode Photos (267 of 426) | Last.fm

At the time the band’s single “Dreaming of Me” hit the charts, each of the members held jobs: Vince at a yogurt factory, Martin at a bank, Andy at an insurance company, and Dave as a window dresser. Although they were reluctant at first, they quit their regular occupations; as the band grew in popularity, it demanded more of the member’s time. And after recording perhaps one of their most popular songs of all time, “Just Can’t Get Enough”, Depeche Mode released their first album ever: Speak and Spell (1981).

For quite some time, everything was going great. Though no one but Vince had huge ambitions at first, fame became a reality; no longer were they playing in garages with headphones plugged into their synthesizers, listening to the faint sound of each other’s fingers meeting keys in order to avoid causing a racket. But reporters began to only view Depeche Mode as a cute, naive band, and so did the rest of England. I mean, look at them: 

Depeche Mode, 1981 | Depeche mode, Young musician, Cool bands

Also, Vince became dissatisfied with Depeche Mode. Vince is more of a main idea guy, and Depeche Mode—being a band with a pretty democratic dynamic—had too many ideas and inputs. Vince grew bored and wanted to pursue other projects; DM was not what he was looking for, was not something fulfilling enough for him. He decided to leave the band before the start of a tour, and he has since expressed how terrible it was to inform the other members of his departure. Luckily, the others saw this coming months away, so no catastrophe occurred. Martin took over songwriting, and the band had no choice but to push onward; they had other option, as they had all quit their jobs. 

There are three types of Depeche Mode fans: the ones who either despise Vince or simply do not care, the ones who see him as having a crucial role in the band’s development, and the ones who are glad he left. And although Depeche Mode would not be here today without Vince’s love of guitars and Three Imaginary Boys and the dreams of having a band with his friend Andy, I am glad he left. His drive carried the band far and he wrote some darn good songs, but when Vince left, Depeche Mode became Depeche Mode—it became the band as we know it. And Vince produced some stellar music with Yaz/Yazoo until Vince met Andy Bell, created Erasure, and realized he found the perfect partner for making music. Therefore, in conclusion, thanks for leaving Depeche Mode, Vince!

Yes, that IS a young Depeche Mode. | Depeche mode, Martin gore, Dave gahan

Before I get into Depeche Mode without Vince, what exactly did the Vince Clarke era of DM look like?

“New Life” performance:

“Any Second Now (Voices)”…one of my favorite Speak and Spell songs:

I really like this song because of Martin’s smooth voice, the poppy, repeating melodies, and the bass. It is quite simple but peaceful and contemplative and very polished.

“What’s Your Name?”:

This is perhaps one of Depeche Mode’s worst songs ever. It is…okay. 

Anyway, yeah, Vince left in 1981, and Depeche Mode began searching for another keyboard player.

Alan Wilder | Depeche mode, Red hair, AlanAlan Wilder was born in 1959 in London. He grew up in a typical middle class environment, and his family was, unsurprisingly, into music. Although Alan found modern music more compelling than classical composers like Beethoven, his parents forced him to take piano lessons like his brothers, who both practiced piano. He also learned the flute and excelled in his school orchestra. After leaving school and having no interest in anything but music, Alan applied to and was rejected  by  recording studios. When he finally was accepted by DJM studios, he was overworked and tasked with making everyone tea. He lived in poor conditions and scraped by cleaning bathrooms and such for other bands, but he felt strongly about becoming a musician ever since he took the job at DJM studios—when bands finished recording, he would mess around with their instruments. Because of all this, Alan appreciated success when it found him. Following his passion for music, Alan joined a band called The Dragons and then a band called Dafne and the Tenderspots. This was around the late seventies, so Alan was about twenty-years-old. 

“Misbehavin'” by the Dragons. This is actually a pretty groovy song, but what? Alan Wilder came from this? By the way, that is him standing in the middle with long hair. Hah!

“Disco Hell” by Dafne and the Tenderspots. This is very much new wave but not Depeche Mode! B-52’s meets…uh, I have no idea.

Alan was a part of four bands in total before 1981. None of them clicked. He was not on good speaking terms with his parents, and he could barely afford essential things. Once he was so poor and hungry he was arrested for stealing a chicken. 

(1981): Alan was flipping through a magazine when he spotted an ad for Depeche Mode wanting a keyboard player under the age of twenty-one. So Alan, hardly being familiar with a band he did not particularly like but needing the money, lied about his age—being twenty-two at the time—and auditioned. He was among much more enthusiastic fans that were auditioning, but of them all, he was the most talented. The band was amazed that he could play two separate rhythms with each hand while talking. This is all because of Alan’s classical training. Although Daniel Miller did not immediately like Alan, the band was adamant about him joining, as Alan “looked the part” and his talent was evident. Alan was never meant to be a temporary member—the band just needed a keyboardist to help them out at gigs. Which is why Martin, Dave, and Andy locked themselves in the studio and worked on their second album as a, “we’re better off without you, Vince!” In 1982, A Broken Fame was released, which is surprisingly one of my favorite DM albums.

Depeche Mode in 1982



Oh my goodness, look how young they were! They used to wear bow ties and suspenders, hah!

To me, though, this is more “Depeche Mode-esque” than Speak and Spell. Speak and Spell was all Vince Clarke, but this was our first glimpse at who the band was becoming. A Broken Frame is pretty impressive if you remember the three remaining members of Depeche put it together and released it right after Vince left.

“Leave in Silence” music video. What a strange beauty! I never thought I would hear the creators of Strangelove painted weird colors, smashing items on a conveyor belt, bouncing rubber balls, and bouncing around on rubber balls. Okay…cool. Also, at the very end, the band members are pretending to scream, and Martin can not stop laughing; it is absolutely hilarious. Anyway, the first time I watched this it was like finding buried treasure. 

“My Secret Garden” performance:

Compare this to 101 and the massive concert in Pasadena, California. Wow. This is a pretty nice tune, but not one of my absolute favorites. Although the band was branching into their own sound with Vince gone, A Broken Frame is definitely reminiscent of Speak and Spell, carrying Vince’s iconic upbeat, poppy melodies. But songs such as “My Secret Garden” were a bit more methodical and complex and somber. This is one of my favorite early Depeche Mode performances. Timestamp 5:55 : Alan Wilder is playing a solo synth melody on a Roland Jupiter 8? So cool. He had just recently joined the band as someone to help out with live performances. 

“Nothing to Fear” performance:

This is one of Depeche’s only instrumental songs. It is a favorite of mine on A Broken Frame. You can clearly see the awesome layering effect of synths, and the instruments speak for themselves without lyrics. Each band member is focusing on their particular part, careful to avoid stepping on each other’s toes. I love the appearance of the bass in the beginning—look at Fletch go!

Incredible images of U2 and Depeche Mode at a tiny Cardiff club have been  discovered - Wales Online

34 Depeche Mode 1982 Photos and Premium High Res Pictures - Getty Images in  2021 | Depeche mode, Martin gore, Young musician

A Broken Frame is actually an album I would listen to for fun, which is impressive if you consider the band’s circumstances: they had lost not only their founder but an integral member, and they had gained another one. To me, A Broken Frame exists as the darker, more reflective successor of Speak and Spell. It still contained Vince’s poppy synth melodies, but it has a bit of a weird, unconventional, artistic sound. Also, I love the band’s new romantics/new wave garb…love the baggy pants and weird shirts and bow ties. But the best was yet to come.

I love this video, haha! The part with Andy trying to recall a bass rhythm cracks me up (“bass”). But I wanted to include this video because of the band’s dynamic in 1983. They were purely electronic and used a clunky drum machine for a drummer. And Alan seems sort of awkward and unimportant.

But, surprise! In 1983, Depeche Mode’s third studio dropped: Construction Time Again. It was unlike anything Depeche had put out before, anything anyone had ever heard. Gone were the poppy, purely synth sounds. The music had become heavier and more metallic and inspired by sounds like ping pong balls bouncing (“Pipeline”) and trains (“More Than a Party”). Although this is one of my least favorite early DM albums, I still love it. It is so original and inventive! Very strange. Very experimental. And Alan Wilder, the guy who was chosen to fill Vince’s spot as a live performer, ended up sparking this unique sound. Depeche ended up getting more than bargained for; they got a musical genius who shook up their sound with his classical training, passion for music, and immensely creative mind. This album produced some of my favorite singles!

“Everything Counts”:

Awesome video features: Dave’s dancing, Alan playing the marimba, Alan’s red hair (high quality content—he is so pretty), and random people. 

Oh my goodness, I love this song so much. I love the marimba and exotic wind instruments and the heavy bass. This song is so rich and evident of the band’s rising talent. It is captivating from the get-go, and it holds your attention. Plus, I love the lyrics. At the time, Martin’s lyrics focused on a lot of societal issues:

  • “The handshake seals the contract/From the contract, there’s no turning back”
  • “The grabbing hands/grab all they can/Everything counts in large amounts”
  • “Picture it now, see just how/the lies and deceit gained a little more power/Confidence taken in/by a suntan and a grin”
  • “The grabbing hands/grab all they can/all for themselves, after all/It’s a competitive world”

Oh my goodness, I am currently listening to the album, and it grows on you! “Two Minute Warning” is pretty catchy. 

Anyway, I love these lyrics because they are so true! The world is so competitive (“It’s a  c o m p e t i t i v e  woorrldd”)selfish, and corrupt. It is sickening if you think about it; the corporate world is something else—an entirely different world of its own. And Martin expresses his distaste for all of this corporate greed with clear lyrics, and the music is super catchy!

Also, if you like this, you will like “Shame”:

“Do you ever get that feeling
When the guilt begins to hurt
Seeing all the children
Wallowing in dirt
Crying out with hunger
Crying out in pain
At least the dirt will wash off
When it starts to rain

Soap won’t wash away your shame

Do you ever get that feeling
That something isn’t right
Seeing your brother’s fists
Clenched ready for the fight
Soon the fighting turns to weapons
And the weapons turn to wounds
So the doctors stitch and stitch
And stitch and stitch and stitch
And stitch and stitch

Surgery won’t improve your pain

It all seems so stupid
It makes me want to give up
But why should I give up
When it all seems so stupid

Do you ever get the feeling
That something can be done
To eradicate these problems
And make the people one
Do you ever get that feeling
Something like a nagging itch
And all the while the doctors
Stitch and stitch and stitch
And stitch and stitch

Hope alone won’t remove the stains

Although Martin is not my favorite lyricist for many reasons, I have to admire the man for writing this. It is brilliant and very much-needed. It is a shame that this song is as underrated as it is. It has some nice harmonizing, and an out-of-tune whistle at the end that sounds a bit like wailing. I think “Shame”—although not one of my favorite songs—is absolutely brilliant. Ahh, I love this band so much! I like Martin because some of his songs truly speak for you, you know? And Alan is a genius, Dave has a stellar voice, and Andy is a team player!).

This album is ninety percent lyrics about taking care of the world, hating corruption and poverty, and back-talking the “system” or the higher-ups…I love it, oh my goodness. Also, yeah, thank you so much Alan for establishing yourself as more than a live performer in the band! DM owes its experimental, industrial, darker sound to him. He is largely responsible for the shift in the band’s sound with Construction Time Again. Also, the title is so fitting because this is a very critically man-made album of heavy machinery and beeping and serious fun. 

This is a funny interview of early Depeche Mode. The band introduces themselves and briefly talks about the their name and choice of fashion, among other things (side note: they all appear to be from separate bands: Dave is wearing a very Depeche Mode-yleather jacket, Alan is dressed like a fancy grandpa, Martin is…Martin—always going for the most attention-grabbing look, and Andy is literally wearing a sweater. But my favorite part of this is the way Dave responds to, “Who are you; what is your name?” Haha! It gets me every time. They were so young!

Also, this face:


Before disaster struck…dun dun dun. But we will get to that later.



Anyway, in 1984, Depeche Mode reached the foothills of what a lot of fans call their golden era. They released their fourth studio album: Some Great Reward. And with this album, everything changed. It is a pretty legit album, opening with song “Something to Do”, which is full of clanging metal and trailing horns and strong vocals from Dave. This song is amazingly catchy and definitely captivating, and so is the rest of the album! For me, Depeche Mode had gotten more familiar with each other and more comfortable with experimenting. And I believe they finally had a clear understanding of their sound and how to achieve that. So, in my opinion, Some Great Reward is imperfect but definitely one of DM’s strongest albums…one of my favorites!

Here is an interview from that year. They were all quite shy and reserved, especially Martin and Alan. Alan is sitting on the far left, and he only speaks once the entire video (8:00). 

100 ideas de DEPECHE MODE | depeche mode, martin gore, rock electronico

Although hated by some, Alan is an easy favorite among fans. He has always been a bit of an outsider with the band, as Martin and Andy had a strong friendship and Dave had joined years earlier, but his contributions to the band are undeniable. When “People Are People” begins with its poignant bass, heavy drums, and whirring and grating metal sounds, you never forget that kind of opening. And when the soft, ascending synth keys quickly juxtapose this, matched with blossoming parachutes in the iconic music video, you have to admit the guy’s a genius. Analyzing Depeche’s songs makes me so giddy, and I should probably type up a blog meant for that alone. Because, oh my goodness, there is so much talent and thought behind each song, so much depth. And although Alan is not the sole creator of Depeche Mode’s music, a lot of people have described him as a mouthpiece for Martin. Martin would write all these lyrics and make demo tapes (look them up!), and Martin would speak through Alan’s musical compositions. Martin is solely credited with the songwriting, but Alan was a large part of Depeche’s iconic sound. He was the main mastermind behind each song’s production and little details. And him and Martin were a perfect duo because both lean towards a darker, more realistic tone in their music. 

Alan introduced Depeche Mode to legendary synths like the Emulator II, and this pretty much made the band. I mean, if you watch him play at the end, it offers up the question: what did the other members of the band do? Just kidding! There would not be a Depeche Mode without Dave’s voice and charisma and Martin’s lyrics and brilliant ideas and Andy being a team player! But still…Alan was slowly becoming an integral part of the band. 

Also, I would like to express my appreciation for the slower, Martin-sung songs of the album like “Somebody” and “It Doesn’t Matter”. They are both sweet, and I love Alan’s piano playing skills on “Somebody”. Also, “It Doesn’t Matter” is one of my favorite DM songs ever, and it contains some of my favorite lyrics.

1985 single: “Shake the Disease”: Eeh! I love this song and this performance. *chef’s kiss* They all look so swag, playing Emulator II’s.

And then this happened:

Depeche Mode "Black Celebration" 1986 Song Lyrics by Album

In 1986, Depeche Mode released their fifth studio album: Black Celebration. And, as you may expect, black-and-white filters, leather jackets, and serious expressions were in. Nothing beats walking to “Black Celebration” with headphones. That song—which is the album’s opening track—is an immediate attention-grabber and one of the most epic Depeche Mode songs ever. This album overall is part one of the “Golden DM Trio” of albums. Love it!

Here is a fun video from this era. First of all, I am not a fan of Andy Fletcher. No offense, Andy, but you are kind of oblivious. I will speak more on this later, but when asked about how the band remained successful after Vince’s departure, Andy says they managed all right with their “pretty good” songwriter Martin (who is more than pretty good…can you write lyrics, Andy?), and he does not even mention Alan’s essential presence. I know he is probably joking, but still. I also find it amazing how Dave only wished Depeche Mode to be known as one of the greatest 80’s pop bands of all time because, well, that happened and much more! And the brief interview with Alan at the end is one of my favorites.

“Stripped” music video:


This has got to be one of my favorite Depeche Mode videos ever. Nothing beat’s the band dressed in leather and trench coats, smashing a car with sledgehammers in tune with a super catchy beat. And this has got to be one of the most artistic, well-done videos ever. It is a complete original. Also, I love this song itself; it has got to be one of my favorite DM songs. I love the incorporated vehicular sounds, Dave’s perfect voice, the unforgettable bass, and the synthesizers. You know which part I am talking about—the part at 2:25. This song is such a masterpiece. The lyrics are a bit provocative, but I get the message. People are so invested in the media and whatnot and are never truly present or “there”. And the speaker of the song wants to spend time someone away from the television and all material distractions; they want to see the real them. The video is very man-made, grimy, and industrial, and the band is destroying a car—which I feel is significant because they are destroying the “man-made”. But, ugh, the musical composition! Immaculate. 

“New Dress” is another Martin-original with meaningful lyrics:

“Jet airliner shot from sky

Famine horror—millions die

Earthquake terror figures rise

Princess Di is wearing a dress


“You can’t change the world

But you can change the facts

And when you change the facts

You change points of view

If you change points of view

You may change a vote

And when you change a vote 

You may change the world.”

Martin is quite the interesting songwriter. His lyrics span anywhere from “woe is me, my heart is broken” (I paraphrase this kindly…I am the one typing a five- thousand-word-plus Depeche Mode blog) to “dude, our society is messed up.” “New Dress” is about all of the horror occurring in the world, yet the media heavily focuses on trivial matters like the fashion of the royal family. 

Depeche Mode photographed by Ronnie Randall in Bournemouth during their  Black Celebration tour (1986) | Depeche mode, Teddy boys, Fotografia

The top of Dave’s hair: ——-

Although the leather jackets had been along for the ride since the beginning, making an appearance in Depeche Mode’s first music video (“Just Can’t Get Enough”), Black Celebration marked the beginning of something new, something amazing, something dark. 

In 1987, Depeche Mode released one of their most “altogether” albums of their career: Music for the Masses. Featuring unforgettable tunes such as “Never Let Me Down Again”, “Strangelove”, and “Behind the Wheel”, this album is one of the most stellar albums of all time. It is less grimy than Black Celebration and more smooth, polished. And the title holds a bit of amusing irony—though Martin believed DM’s music was anything but meant for the masses, Music for the Masses brought the band tremendous success. “Strangelove” broke the U.S. with its impressive, dance-worthy beat.

“To Have and to Hold”:

Tip: listen to this song on a high volume setting! “To Have and to Hold” has one of my favorite DM openings ever. Late one night, I had my headphones on while walking aimlessly down hallways. And when this song began to play, I immediately felt like a supervillain making a grand entrance—my long black trench coat billowing out behind me. Moral of the story: DM is so empowering you might sometimes feel like the ultimate villain in a dormitory hallway.

“Behind the Wheel” performance from the grand Pasadena event:

The fans are acting crazy, especially that one guy who appears to be having a meltdown at a punk concert (I die out laughing every time), but if I were watching Music for the Masses-era Depeche Mode, I would be too. Dave and Martin smiling in the beginning is great, and I love Dave’s spin at 2:13; he spins all the time, if you have not noticed. He has admittedly impressive stage presence. But, you know me, I can not abandon this video without raving about the musical composition. The bass and kickdrum combo in the beginning is immediately recognizable, as well as Martin’s guitar strumming and the mystifying synth. Dave’s voice is one note but hypnotizing and perfectly suitable for the song. And the synth at 2:11 (I believe Alan plays) only adds to the atmosphere. Martin is a brilliant songwriter, but when listening to Depeche Mode, sometimes I pay the lyrics no attention. The sound is where its at…the total ambiance. 

Interview with Alan Wilder and Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode and Richard Blade:

I am so glad I stumbled upon this video because it is a great mini interview with Richard Blade! I would like to point out how much Alan’s composure in interviews had changed since that earlier video from 1984. 

In sum, Music for the Masses is truly a brilliant album full of stadium hits like “Never Let Me Down Again”, electronic dance beats like “Strangelove”, and beautiful piano songs composed by Alan such as “Stjarna”. Also, I love Alan’s hair from this era:

Alan Wilder discovered by @nyx_katherine on We Heart It

Angels with Silver wings.......... | Dave gahan, Depeche mode, Martin gore


So, yeah…an Alan Wilder hair appreciation moment.






In 1990, however, Depeche Mode released what many consider to be their magnum opus…the album that was a manifestation of the band’s highest potential: Violator. 

DEPECHE MODE - Depeche Mode : Violator - Amazon.com Music

This album is definitely in my top ten albums of all time. Each song works together to create a beautiful compilation of works, one tucked behind the simple yet evocative image of a rose. 

Depeche Mode - FamousFix | Depeche mode, Dave gahan, Depeche mode black  celebration

Depeche Mode World Violation Tour - Single Collection Japanese Promo 3" CD  single (CD3) (85647)

Violator is a true masterpiece, hands down. Though emotional, it is cut with unmatched precision and perfectly balanced. From the electronic dance beats of “World in My Eyes” to the twangy,  Western feel of “Personal Jesus”, to dark melodies of “Policy of Truth” and “Clean”, Violator is a journey worth experiencing. 

An interesting video about the World Violation tour:

As you can see, Depeche Mode had a bit of a cult following. Well, why is their music not as popular as artists like Duran Duran? Well, along working with an independent record label (Mute), radio stations are to blame. Many were reluctant to play anything from Depeche Mode because of their music’s darker tone, intellectual sound, and Martin-esque lyrics. 

“Enjoy the Silence” music video:

This music video holds a special place in my heart as one of the first DM videos I ever witnessed. At the time, I knew absolutely nothing about the band. But I was hooked from the start, blasting “Enjoy the Silence” on repeat while I watched the overly saturated images of a man in a crown and king’s cape, eating oranges in an online class. This song is truly a masterpiece. Also, I hate the remastered version because the iconic choir voices are removed from the beginning, which, to me is an integral moment of the piece. Anyway, “Enjoy the Silence” is grand and dismal and unlike anything else. Dave’s vocals are perfection, and the escalation and sound diversity is impressive. Martin originally “Enjoy the Silence” to be a slow song he voiced, but Alan recommended they turn it into an electronic dance ballad. And…”Enjoy the Silence” is arguably DM’s most famous song. 

Martin’s demo for “Enjoy the Silence”:

Understand Alan’s contribution a bit more? He added his own flair to Martin’s songs and turned them into hits. They were an unstoppable duo of ideas: Martin was the brains, Alan the musical genius. Alan has a particular knack for understanding and imagining songs in ways I can only dream of; he is an inspiration, truly.

“World in My Eyes” music video:

I tend to watch live performances more than music videos, but this one contains filmed fragments from shows during this era. If I could only go to a Depeche Mode concert with this line up! Anyway, “World in My Eyes” is perhaps one of DM’s best songs. Dave is an amazing vocalist, first of all, and this song has so many surprise elements, like the whine at 1:39 and the chorus of strings. I also like the progression of this piece. It is very well-done, its composition masterful. “World in My Eyes” is definitely something to listen to at a high volume. 

Violator left a lasting impression on Depeche Mode’s fans and the musical world itself. Like others before it, this album demonstrates the band’s effortless versatility. “Waiting for the Night” is quiet, reflective, and weirdly optimistic-sounding; “Policy of Truth” is heavy and addictive; “Clean” is a cinematic masterpiece, its atmosphere of soundtrack quality…one of my absolute DM favorites; and the instrumental songs such as “Memphisto”, “Sibeling”, and “Kaleid” (the last listed song is an amazing electronic piece usually paired with “World in My Eyes” during live performances) dark and mysterious and easy to become lost in. Overall, Violator exists as the favorite among most fans. The band was unstoppable, their music unforgettable. The 1990 album was an airtight assortment of greatness…truly one of the best albums of all time.

While Violator has been described as something clear-eyed, clean, and open, Depeche Mode’s eighth studio album has been described as a dark, unapproachable thing lurking in a corner. In 1993, Songs of Faith and Devotion introduced a new DM sound to fans, one more soulful, heavy, and instrument-driven. This album was the darkest Depeche Mode album yet, this being a reflection of the band’s existing relationship at the time. 

Depeche Mode Singer Dave Gahan's Daughter Is All Grown Up | HuffPost Canada  Parents

As you can see, something had changed; they look more “edgy” than ever. Andy’s joking smile is gone, Martin’s style of dress is more serious, Alan’s faux mohawk is gone, and Dave has…long hair and a beard? Yes, Dave experienced the biggest shift in personality and appearance. And “Long-Haired Dave”, though cool, was a dark time. 

“Walking in My Shoes” performance from the infamous Devotional tour:

A lot changed in a matter of three years. After Violator, the band split up, lived their own lives, and met up again much later, expecting to make an album after spending so much time apart. Dave hung out with rock stars in Los Angeles, got divorced, and developed a heroin addiction. He returned thinking they were going to make a rock album. Meanwhile, Andy was in the throes of a deep depression, Martin was a struggling alcoholic—as he had relied on alcohol to liven up his stage presence and ease his nerves, and Alan was caught up in the mess of drugs, alcohol, and parties that consumed the other band members. 

“Walking in My Shoes” provides a glimpse into the band’s disheveled state at the time: Dave’s voice is that of a rocker, Alan’s composition is moody, Martin’s lyrics are more despairing than ever, and Andy is just hanging around on stage. But the song is one of my favorite DM songs, especially out of Songs of Faith and Devotion. Details such as the moment at 3:44 and the grand, symphonic sound elevate “Walking in My Shoes” to a whole new level. 

Also, I would like to comment on the performance. Compare this long-haired, dripping-in-sweat Dave to the close-cropped man from before. Wild, isn’t it?

“In Your Room” performance from the Devotional tour:

This is one of Depeche Mode’s most memorable performances ever. I myself have watched it over and over again. Although I dislike the stage design—all of the faces images are distracting—this moment in the band’s history is certainly captivating.

First of all, notice Alan on drums. He had acted as the band’s so-called “drummer” before, playing maybe two snare drums, a large bass drum, and whatnot, but never before had he sat at a drum set. He learned the drums and practiced continuously solely for this album and tour. Although Alan is not a drummer—if that makes any sense—he is the perfect drummer for Depeche Mode. Depeche is not a rock band; they are simply Depeche Mode. His style of playing is not flashy and full of exciting tricks, but it is consistent and even hypnotic. Some have described as being a “Terminator” on the drums, for his style of playing is so calculated and composed. I love watching him drum (1:56); it does not distract from the synth accompaniments or Dave’s voice, but it adds a provides a stronger foundation for the piece being played. 

Second, at 5:35, Dave throws himself off the stage and into the crowd. Security guards dive after him and spend about entire minute wrestling Dave from fans. And when he is finally carried back onstage, his shirt has been ripped away. This is such a legendary moment. Actually, this performance itself is legendary. Every one of the song’s components are there, and the build-up is insane—the methodical beginning gives way to a very emotional, high-intensity end. 


Songs of Faith and Devotion is not my favorite album by Depeche Mode, but I would be blind if I did not give it a high rating. Although its rock-ish sound and religion-inspired lyrics and choir-like sound is not my jam—I am more of an 80’s new wave fan—SOFAD is truly brilliant, a testament of the band’s talent. “Condemnation” arguably contains Dave’s greatest vocals of all time, and even though I am not hungry for choir-like, soulful music, I will go out of my way to listen to that song. “I Feel You” is a captivating start to the album with a loud sound, twangy guitar, and Alan’s drumming. “Higher Love” is beautifully pieced together with an impressive atmosphere. And although I used to look at “Judas” with distaste, it has become one of my favorites on SOFAD. Why? Well…

I never listened to much of Songs of Faith and Devotion before my “Depeche Mode phase” began. I had heard “Walking in My Shoes”, however, and listened to that years ago for the occasional dose of Depeche Mode rock. But I regarded the album as one does a side of vegetables with a meal. And even though I still do not blast this album on repeat constantly, a documentary bettered my perspective on the album’s creation.

The creation of Songs of Faith and Devotion proved to be an impossible challenge. I could go into great detail, but I will only provide the basis of what I gathered. 

Out of the darkest moments emerge the most impressive works.

Weeks of wasted productivity went by. The band hated one another, cooped up in a villa the entire time recording. Motivation and creativity was low, and communication was severely lacking. Dave would randomly disappear for days and come back to record some of his best vocals, despite having a severe drug problem. Fletch had become more of the band’s manager than a keyboard player. And Martin and Alan were more disconnected than ever, constantly arguing over ideas. One song that stirred up an argument was “Judas”, and now every time I listen to it I can imagine the amount of pain that went into its creation—the divide it caused. It was a miracle the band ever finished the album. And in a way, SOFAD destroyed the band.

14 SOFAD ideas | depeche mode, dave gahan, martin gore

(Pictured: Alan Wilder practicing drums in the studio): Along with this documentary, I watched an hour-long interview that broke my heart. Andy hardly said a word, Martin appeared annoyed, Alan’s expressions and comments were laced with sarcasm, and Dave was not completely there—probably on something. It is insinuated that Alan took up the majority of the work for Songs of Faith and Devotion. He spent hours practicing the drums and worked in the studio until the early hours of morning. Although Alan had been an essential part of the band before, SOFAD would not exist without him. The majority of the sound supporting Dave’s vocals is all Alan. Martin called Alan a “true Gemini”, saying that one second Alan could be out partying with the band, and the next he wanted to stay at home and “eat apples” and work. The interview broke my heart because you realize the extent of the work Alan carried on his shoulders. When asked about songwriting, Martin admits that he is not much of a musician but a songwriter; after writing the lyrics and forming the basic idea of a song, he hands it over to Alan. At one point in the interview, Martin says that band will be out “promoting” the band and partying while Alan will be in the studio, which is fine because Alan prefers it that way. But while Andy and Martin laugh, Dave slaps Alan’s knee and jokingly says something like, are you kidding…he needs to leave the studio—he never goes anywhere anymore. 


Alan confesses that something broke inside of him during Songs of Faith and Devotion‘s creation. Only Martin was credited with songwriting, as the lyric writers in the music industry tend to collect the most royalties and recognition. And although Dave would abandon the band for days—his drug addiction worsening over time—Alan says that Dave would return with motivational words and spirit. Dave was at his worst, yet he refused to miss shows and let down the band and his fans. Alan’s biggest problem was the disconnect among the band members—him and Martin especially. The two never seemed to agree. Overall, everything was dark and dreary and seemingly without end.

And then the band announces plans to embark on worldwide tour that would span two years. And if the album had not already broken them, the tour did.

Because of his depression, Andy had to leave about thirty shows before the tour’s end, and Alan had to teach someone his synth parts in a hotel room one night. Dave suffered a drug-induced heart attack onstage, and everyone was their worst mentally and physically. Personal lives were ruined and tensions were high. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

In the interview, a fan asks the band if rumors of them splitting up are true. Andy and Martin both point to Alan, who says something along the lines of, “you never know, do you?” When Martin begins, “Alan—”, Dave cuts him off, irritatedly throwing back his hair and rambling about how they just made their greatest album ever, and when they get past the fact they all hate each other and work with one another, something special happens. 

But you can read it all over Alan’s face. He’s leaving. 

Shunt - the Official Recoil Website - Alan Wilder's history



Months after the Devotional tour, Alan announced his departure from Depeche Mode.





“Due to increasing dissatisfaction with the internal relations and working practices of the group, it is with some sadness that I have decided to part company from Depeche Mode. My decision to leave the group was not an easy one particularly as our last few albums were an indication of the full potential that Depeche Mode was realizing. Since joining in 1982, I have continually striven to give total energy, enthusiasm and commitment to the furthering of the group’s success and in spite of a consistent imbalance in the distribution of the workload, willingly offered this. Unfortunately, within the group, this level of input never received the respect and acknowledgement that it warrants. Whilst I believe that the calibre of our musical output has improved, the quality of our association has deteriorated to the point where I no longer feel that the end justifies the means. I have no wish to cast aspersions on any individual; suffice to say that relations have become seriously strained, increasingly frustrating and, ultimately, in certain situations, intolerable. Given these circumstances, I have no option but to leave the group. It seems preferable therefore, to leave on a relative high, and as I still retain a great enthusiasm and passion for music, I am excited by the prospect of pursuing new projects. The remaining band members have my support and best wishes for anything they may pursue in the future, be it collectively or individually.”

Yep, there you have it—the end of the Alan Wilder era. The band was never the same again.

Some fans call Alan a coward for leaving because the internal issues in the band came to an eventual end. After nearly dying, Dave recovered from his addictions, and the band stabilized. Some fans pick sides, either criticizing the band for letting Alan go or defending them. Some wish Andy would have left instead of Alan, and I have to agree. Andrew Fletcher is notoriously known as “the Clapper” in the band. Some joke and say that his favorite instrument is the calculator. He became less of a member and more of a manager with a love for money. Although I think DM would not be the same without Andy and I do not think he is a bad person, he is easily my least favorite member…sorry, Andy. But Dave almost left a tour once partially because of him. Andy and Alan once were involved in a physical altercation after a show because Andy criticized Dave’s performance and Alan was like, you could have done better? Alan and Fletch were never close. Fletch was more of Martin’s friend, as Dave was more of Alan’s. Anyway, some fan defend Andy by saying, “Hey, without Andy Martin would’ve never joined!” So his most important role is being Martin’s friend?

Alan Wilder and Dave Gahan by Anton Corbijn, 1993 | Dave gahan, Depeche  mode, Depeche mode albums

The band looked so miserable in the early nineties—especially Alan. I do not blame him for leaving. Dave’s drug addiction was so bad, the last music video Depeche recorded for SOFAD—”In Your Room”—featured elements from earlier eras as a way of concluding Depeche’s history…for the director was convinced Dave would not live much longer. Alan had always been a bit of an outsider, and with Dave hanging on by a thread, what was the point? Andy was a self-proclaimed bum, and Martin and Alan could never reach an agreement anymore. And Alan was tired of touring every year for about a decade and wanted to pursue personal projects. So he gave up the fame, the money, everything, and he left.

Sadly fans only recognized Alan Wilder’s input after his departure. Six albums followed Songs of Faith and Devotion. Can you name any of them?

“It’s No Good” performance from the 1997 album Ultra:

Check out the new drummer. He is a traditional rock drummer. I actually love this song, but it did not get much better than this. But they all cleaned up. I just hate the change in sound. Their later songs—with a few exceptions—feel so uninspired. 

I dare you to give some of their new songs a listen. Although they are not bad, what happened to legendary songs such as “People are People”, “Strangelove”, and “Enjoy the Silence”? When asked about your favorite DM song, are you going to say “My Little Universe” or “World in My Eyes”?

Yet Andy Fletcher disagrees. Here is a video capturing the band’s thoughts on Alan’s departure:

Seriously, Andy? This is the best the band’s ever been? Furthermore, I would like to add that when Alan left, apparently the band was like, “Alan who? I don’t miss him at all…I barely talked to him anyway!” And then…they realized, wait, Alan actually did stuff. Andy is a stubborn idiot if he refuses to see it. Depeche Mode without Alan is like a body without a soul. The new music is so dry and certainly lacking. A lot of it sounds the same…it is just uninspired, sorry. Also, watch some of their newer performances! It is a bit saddening how much spirit they have lost.

Until this year, I hardly paid Alan Wilder any attention. He was only a pretty face in the background, which is not saying much because they Depeche Mode as whole is attractive. But after discovering he was more than a random keyboard player, my perspective changed drastically. Martin used to be my favorite because he seemed the most interesting, but now Alan is my absolute, hands-down favorite. Actually, he is currently my favorite synth player of all time. Yes, you can listen to Depeche Mode and be impressed, but to actually listen to Depeche Mode? Well, you realize that the man’s a literal genius. I have learned DM riffs on my synthesizer, and they are as challenging as they are addictive. “Strangelove” is my absolute favorite song to play. I once half-listened to the music and watched a video or two, but after getting more invested in the band, they have become one of my favorite bands of all time.

Alan, please come back to Depeche Mode! Even as a producer, he would be amazing. Listen to his remix of “In Chains” and Depeche Mode’s original…you will be impressed.

Anyway, I would like to end this blog with some Alan Wilder appreciation because he is one of the most underrated musicians in history:

Alan Wilder Page 3


Alan Wilder | Musica

Also, here is some more appreciation for the band itself because Depeche Mode deserves it.

The night Martin Gore proved that eye contact = sex | mullets i have loved

Martin the fashion icon…

Martin Gore interviewed on July 13th, 1985 - Rockscene Festival, Brest  (Fonds Louis Blonce, Brest archives). | Martin gore, Depeche mode, Band  pictures

720 Alan wilder ❤️ ideas in 2021 | alan, depeche mode, wilder

Fletch and Alan looking like best friends for once.




Depeche Mode Alan Wilder GIF - DepecheMode AlanWilder MartinGore - Discover  & Share GIFs Young Depeche Mode, R.I.P.

1984, 80's all night, HBD Dave Gahan in San Francisco at Cat Club

Dave Gahan’s transformation

Rats in the Attic — leave-school-for-poetry: Happy birthday Fletch...

Andy Fletcher having humor






Oh, yeah, isn’t it a bit sad that Depeche Mode went from this:

dalliscar:“ violationoffaith:“ Depeche Mode Tv Show, 1983, Unterföhring,  Credit by Didi Zill”@blackcarpetmassacre” | Depeche mode, Musik, Mode

To this?:

Peace Out!

Wow, the Depeche Mode blog series is finally finished! I had to rush through it, but I am proud of how expansive is is given my time restraints. Thank you so much for reading, and thank you, Depeche Mode, for being an awesome band whose music I admire. Now you know more of the truth behind one of the greatest bands of all time. Peace out!

Me in chemistry:

Alan Wilder Depeche Mode GIF - AlanWilder DepecheMode 101 - Discover &  Share GIFs







I promise I do not have an obsession…

Our Hobby is Depeche Mode

Depeche Mode at Rock Hall 2020: Watch the Acceptance Speech | Pitchfork

Welcome to part two of my Depeche Mode series! If you missed part one, search for my previous blog post entitled “Help, I Have Fallen for Depeche Mode and Can’t Get Up.”

In this blog post, I will be discussing the documentary Our Hobby is Depeche Mode (2006), directed by Nicholas Abrahams and Jeremy Deller and produced by Jacqui Edenbrow. The documentary’s prime focus is the fanbase of the prolific band Depeche Mode. Enjoy!

Our Hobby is Depeche Mode

In 2020, in the process of searching for Cure music videos, I stumbled across an hour-long video entitled Our Hobby is Depeche Mode. Captivated by the first few seconds, I skipped through the video’s contents for perhaps thirty minutes. At the time, I had barely listened to a complete Depeche Mode album, and I barely knew the band’s history. But I was fascinated. The band’s fans were so passionate—and to an extreme you do not often encounter. To give one example, the documentary captures, at one point, a massive crowd of Depeche Mode fans dressed in similar fashion: black leather jackets, cropped hair, and smart blazers. A young guy clutches what appears to be a cassette or CD player blasting “The Sweetest Perfection”—a song from Depeche Mode’s album Violator. Depeche Mode had brought these people together and had deeply influenced their overall appearance and attitude; I had never witnessed anything quite like it before. 

Long after my first encounter with it, this documentary stayed on my mind, and when I fell into a random Depeche Mode phase in February, I found my way back. 

Pin von Sara Patten auf Just Plain CoolWatching Our Hobby is Depeche Mode in its entirety has definitely changed my perspective of the band. Its fans are nicknamed Devotees for a reason. Depeche Mode is more than a British group haphazardly pressing synth keys. Worldwide, they represent freedom, sincerity, and the emotional grit of real life. The people they attract have endured harsh Russian winters, cruel governments, bruises and bloodied lips, and alienation. Depeche Mode is more than a band; it is a community that finds their thoughts and emotions expressed through Martin Gore’s lyrics, Dave Gahan’s voice, and Alan Wilder’s musical composition. 

And Depeche Mode is a lifestyle, a uniting factor for strangers across continents, and…a hobby!

The first sixty seconds immediately arrest attention. A camcorder—showing the year 1992 in the left-hand corner—shakily enters a room covered in Depeche Mode posters. Fans with black nails, crisp shirts, and leather jackets are shown casually. The song “In Your Room” from Depeche’s 1993 album Songs of Faith and Devotion plays. 

After this introduction, various fans across the world share how they imagine Basildon, England—Depeche Mode’s hometown. Some speak of parties and a friendly atmosphere, but a Basildon resident and fan of Depeche since the band’s origins says otherwise: “If Dave was to walk or Martin was to walk through the town now, you know, a lot of people wouldn’t even recognize them…which might shock a lot of people, but into, uh, this very day, they’re not within their own town seeing these huge stars. There’s no, you know, statues of Dave Gahan or Martin Gore…you would never know Depeche Mode come from Basildon. To me it’s ridiculous, you know—if anyone speaks about Depeche Mode they speak about Basildon. And it has, in a way, put Basildon on the map.” This same fan, named Peter, also mentions the dangers of wearing eyeliner in the eighties; guys would literally be beaten up for it in Basildon. After seeing this average-looking brick town, it is undeniable that Depeche Mode has come a long way. 

900+ Depeche Mode ideas | depeche mode, dave gahan, martin gore 900+ Depeche mode ideas in 2021 | depeche mode, martin gore, dave gahan

In Russia, Victory Day is a holiday celebrating the surrender of Nazi Germany during World War II. And this just so happens to fall on May 9, the date of Dave Gahan’s birth. Dave is more than a mere singer—he is the face of Depeche Mode, the attitude. Therefore, fans in Russia commemorate the band’s existence on May 9, hosting parades alongside the marching men in uniform for Victory Day. When I first encountered this section of the documentary, I was taken aback. Countless Russians paraded down the street dressed in Depeche Mode T-shirts and holding black and red banners, their leading man dressed as a king in reference to the “Enjoy the Silence” music video.What possesses a group of people to do such a thing, especially during a national holiday? But watching all of these fans singing songs from Violator, united in their passion for music, filled me with envy. I can count on one hand the Depeche Mode fans I have ever met. And as these people in an entirely different hemisphere danced their hearts out to “Personal Jesus” and sang excitedly at a large projection of a DM concert, I realized that I am not obsessed with music at all. In spirit, I am only another member of that Russian parade. 

Video: Depeche Mode, 'A Concert for the Masses' — rare footage from 1988's  '101' concertThe documentary then travels west to Pasadena, California—the site of Depeche Mode’s infamous concert in the Rose Bowl. The concert was recorded and released as a live album titled 101, which I own a record copy of! Anyway, this legendary performance by Depeche Mode influenced the lives of many, including two teenagers in Pasadena that the documentary features. After a guy named Orlando plays “Pimpf” on a keyboard, surrounded by Depeche Mode posters, he and a girl named Elena stand beneath the massive Rose Bowl logo, wearing Depeche Mode T-shirts and jeans. Although their obsessions with Depeche are obvious, Orlando appears a bit more fond of the band. In his room, he has a homemade collage of the band next to a rose and incense. And as “Strangelove” blares from a car radio outside of the Rose Bowl, Orlando copies Dave’s dancing while pretending to sing along. He speaks on how the 101 movie —which occurred in and was filmed in his hometown, Pasadena—started it all, turning Depeche Mode into an obsession. He tells the camera, “To me, personally, it helped me through the worst times…you know, of my life…and when I’m sad or depressed, I listen to their music, and through Martin Gore’s lyrics, I’m able to express, you know, the way I’m feeling. He’s able to speak for me, you know?” Jeremy Deller - Our Hobby Is Depeche ModeI found this to be such a powerful personal statement. Martin Gore’s lyrics are deeply sympathetic and though relatively vague, hold nothing back. I understand Orlando because listening to Depeche Mode sometimes is like being able to put your thoughts, feelings, and concerns into words and sound, and that is so refreshing. Also, this is important for later, but DM fans Elena and Orlando wave their arms in the California air to “Never Let Me Down Again” and explain that it is a tradition Dave began at the 101 concert in 1988. 

The Posters Came from the Walls – A film by Jeremy Deller and Nick  Abrahams, Prince Charles cinema, 17/10/2009 | Goldsmiths Curatorial Critique

“It was the whole wide world coming to your little socialist country,” muses a middle-aged Depeche Mode fan living in Berlin, Germany. Along with a few other DM fans of similar age, he reminisces upon the time Depeche Mode performed in East Berlin. The concert occurred in 1988 and was a near replica of the performance in Pasadena. Martin Gore, at the time, lived in West Berlin, and this concert was partially possible because of him; it was the band’s way of saying that despite the divide, East Berlin was still cared about and a part of the world. Because Depeche Mode fans in East Berlin were unable to buy any merchandise and own physical copies of the music, fine-point pens were used to write on buttons—homemade Depeche Mode merch fans wore to the unforgettable East Berlin concert. People unable to get tickets clustered outside the concert in hopes of catching a glimpse of the band. Countless security guards lost their jobs, throwing aside all responsibility to enjoy the concert. As one DM fan puts it, the posters had came from the walls—their heroes were there in the flesh, merely feet away. 

Tracing Eastern Europe's obsession with Depeche Mode | Dazed

A few other Depeche Mode fans share the band’s interesting influence on their lives. A teenage girl in St. Petersburg, Russia, crafts portraits of Dave Gahan out of beads, and she has a notebook filled with four years worth of illustrations depicting a fake life she and her friends have with the band. Meanwhile, a guy in New York boasts a Depeche Mode plate on his car, a Depeche Mode necklace that never leaves his neck, and approximately five hundred Depeche Mode T-shirts. But after witnessing a large mass of Depeche Mode fans conversing in the streets of Moscow, Russia, I realized the true impression Depeche Mode had made on its fans. One fan, with a large back tattoo of Dave Gahan, made a statement I found particularly interesting: “A lot of people listened to Depeche Mode then. It wasn’t five thousand or ten thousand or a hundred thousand people listening to Depeche Mode…the entire country listened to them.” Our Hobby is Depeche Mode – MMNAnother fan explains how the Russian DM fans began meeting in the streets of Moscow, saying that it all began during the Perestroika years when there was hardly anywhere to go, any places to meet people. At least a hundred filled the streets of Moscow with bleached and curly hair like Martin Gore, short and close-cropped hair like Dave Gahan, and leather jackets galore.

Why do so many Russians adore this band from Basildon, England? In a pirate Russian television broadcast made in 1992, one DM fan says, “Can you tell me what other music is more emotional? What other music has the sound of forks, railway ties, and scissors? It’s a complete original.” The Depeche Mode fan with the Dave tattoo adds, “This new music coincided with the fall of the Soviet Union. So I see it as having been the music of freedom.” And seeing all of these young people together laughing among each other and dancing and singing triumphantly to “Never Let Me Down Again”, it is evident that DM is more than a band to their Russian fans. Perhaps Depeche Mode is the sound of freedom for many of them, and I find that both strange and beautiful.

Tracing Eastern Europe's obsession with Depeche Mode – CVLT NationOne woman, a Russian DM fan, gives her reasoning for Depeche’s large success in Russia. She explains that Martin’s lyrics are not without this tragic, despairing air that greatly appeals to Russians and that he writes of the transcendental nature of existence which appeals to the transcendental soul of the Russian people. 

Photos: Depeche Mode elates S.A. fans with Global Spirit - mySAIn California, as a high school band practice Depeche Mode songs in the background, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails shares his connection to Depeche Mode: “The role that Depeche played with me was…it was music for somebody that felt like they didn’t fit in. And it felt like an alternative to—before the word alternative became a marketing tool—it felt like something other than what the popular, accepted, happy people were listening to.”

A woman in the U.S. shares a story of a disastrous Depeche Mode signing. Apparently, in 1990, nearly twenty thousand Depeche Mode fans camped out on the side of the street, hoping to get an autograph. Fans lay on blankets either sleeping or conversing with one another, wearing eyeliner and listening to DM favorites. But as more people gathered outside of a record store where Depeche Mode planned to give out autographs, concern rose. Riot police were sent to clear up the crowd, and chaos ensued—some people ending the night hoisted into ambulances. The woman sharing the story was fortieth in line and never got an autograph. She leaves one final message: “The music was so meaningful to us…to us all.”

In Germany, there is a family who dresses up in iconic Depeche Mode moments such as the king’s cape and crown from “Enjoy the Silence” and the weird bird-like mask from “Walking in My Shoes”. A man wearing the cape and crown says, “I lived in East Germany. The wall came down on the ninth of November 1989. Two days later I simply had to cross to the West to buy an original cassette of Music for the Masses.” A woman who I assume is his wife says, “It sounds crazy, but it’s our hobby. Depeche Mode isn’t just our passion, it’s our hobby. Other people go to the gym or do sport…our hobby is Depeche Mode.”


In Iran, 2006, one Depeche Mode fan shares copied cassettes he bought off of the black market, as purchasing foreign music—like music from the West—is illegal. He mentions that his love of Depeche came from his uncle, who now resides in Canada. The uncle, named Andy, shares his experiences of being a Depeche Mode in twentieth century Iran. Young teenagers that associated with bands such as Depeche Mode were harassed and beaten by police officers. The government spent a great deal of energy pushing an “Islamic outlook” onto the people in Iran, opposing outside cultural influences. Depeche Mode was a particularly scandalous band due to member Martin Gore’s flamboyant fashion. The DM fan, Andy, states how much people take for granted the freedom they have. DM concerts simply are not possible in Iran, as Andy could hardly find posters. Andy states that even then, in 2006, Iranians could be beaten, thrown in jail, or have their house raided because of the music they listen to. He says, “What you look like and…what you listen to is basically setting up your culture and who you are. And when you don’t fit in a society because you don’t listen to the music that they do, you don’t look like what they look like, so…eventually you feel depressed…you feel separated from them. I’m nothing without listening to music; I’m nothing without playing music and performing it. And that was one of the main reasons that I left Iran, and I worked on it for years and years, and I’m so happy that it happened.”

However, the fan with the most memorable story to me speaks at the documentary’s end. In the London area for quite some time, he was homeless and lived beneath a bridge—owning only a small Sony stereo and a copy of 101 on tape. He recounts that his fear of running out of batteries surpassed one of running out of food, as this tape was his friend, his relief. After getting a hold of a bootleg copy of Songs of Faith and Devotion, this fan, Mark, found a way to attend Depeche Mode’s famous Crystal Palace concert in London. I found his words on this concert quite impactful: “You look around the crowd, you can’t tell who’s homeless, who’s rich, whose first gig, who’s been to many—you just…almost moving as one. That was a huge turning point. Never…up to that point in my history had I felt such a part of something, such an awesome sense of togetherness, of hope, of energy. It made me realize that living—surviving—isn’t enough…for life to be worth anything, you gotta live. And it takes a moment when you actually feel alive for you to realize that. It was only about a year and a half after that that I actually managed to get myself a room, start reeducating myself, but that’s what put the fire in my belly. I wanted more moments like that. Luckily I’ve been to every London gig since.”

Doku über die Fans einer Band: Our Hobby Is Depeche Mode (2007)

The documentary ends with a Depeche Mode tradition: fans from all corners of the world wave their arms to “Never Let Me Down Again”. There are large families—all wearing Depeche Mode shirts, Russians in black lipstick and leather, the German family who describes Depeche Mode as being their hobby, the teenagers from Pasadena, the Basildon guy who has been a fan since the band’s origins, and Mark. Although each live in different parts of the world in different climates, neighborhoods, and families, they are all one—they are all connected by their love of a band from a small town in England. 

To conclude this blog post, I am thankful for stumbling upon this one-of-a-kind, hidden documentary. It filled me with this immediate sense of wonder, this yearning to be among a crowd of people in similar dress listening to Depeche Mode. It is a bit lonely to love bands that were popular in the late twentieth century, but the music is worth it. Depeche Mode is a part of my three favorite bands of all time, and their music has given me so much. I absolutely adore their overall sound and aesthetic, and owning 101 on vinyl makes my heart happy. Although I am not one of those Devotees surrounded by Depeche Mode posters, I do consider my fan. And it would be nice to have a poster!

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for part three! I dissected the band’s fanbase, but what about the band itself? Who exactly is Depeche Mode? You will have to wait and find out…

540 Depeche Mode ideas | depeche mode, dave gahan, martin gore

Help! I’ve Fallen for Depeche Mode and Can’t Get Up

I have always found the synthesizer-driven band Depeche Mode fascinating. When I was much younger, I pronounced Depeche (“depesh”) like “depeechee”, and every time “People Are People” filled my ears with clanging metal, dance-inspiring synth beats, and catchy lyrics, I would lose my cool. I took nothing from the lyrics, but the angelic voice singing, “I can’t understand what makes a man hate another man,” against a backdrop of punchy electronic rhythm made me want to dance. 

Fast forward to today…I am a senior in high school listening to the same classic song. And I still can not get over the bouncy bass synths, explosion of clanging metal, and the unraveling, airy synth that strikes an impression even before the vocals begin.

How did I get here? admiring a strange-sounding song from 1984 to the point that I am writing an obsession-fueled blog post? 

To be honest, I ended up with a good bit of my parents’ music taste. It has always appealed to me—the mix of eighties’ and nineties’ hits I would play over and over on my pink portable CD player. I would blast through earbuds “Run Away” by Real McCoy in the car or make up dances in my room to “99 Luftballons” by Nena. I would sing giddily along to “Friday I’m in Love” by the Cure or become entranced by the whining guitar in the Smiths’ song “How Soon is Now?” I soon abandoned the CD player and fell into other genres and aesthetics, but years later, I ended right back where I started. And that is the power of the eighties, hah!

I was a tenth grader in two back-to-back online classes with access to Youtube. I was peeling oranges and stalking Mississippi School of the Arts’ website and feeling stuck in my present reality. My prime form of escapism? Music. I had my earbuds in the second the bell rang for first block all the way until lunch…almost four hours later. After twenty hours a week of listening to your same favorite genres, you grow desperate. Therefore, I thought, hey! I need to look up some songs from my childhood! Oh, Callie…why? Your addiction is so bad you want to be more of a music nerd than that old guy on Youtube who bought Alan Wilder’s Jupiter 8. Who is Alan Wilder? I will get to that later!

But, yes, what happened? My mind exploded.

I first listened to a basic radio station called EIGHTIES’ HITS! or something generic. And oh, jeez, I was hooked. My brain looked like this: “Oh my goodness, a band called the Cutting Crew sings the song that goes, ‘I just diiiieeeed in your arms tonighhhht,’ it all makes sense!”. After discovering I was a fan of INXS and Simple Minds, I decided to try something out called…dun dun dun: new wave. So I listened to a new wave radio station on Google Music (which later kicked me out because I would skip way too much). WOW! I began connecting familiar songs to band names and album covers, and to me, “the dots” were all connected. What next? Youtube.

I nearly fell out of my chair discovering the British show Top of the Pops. I nearly fell out of my chair watching the music video for “Take on Me” by a-ha for the first time. I also put the magical, awe-inspiring music of Tears for Fears to names and faces. Oh, boy, was it a trip to watch the “Shout” music video for the first time! I developed a very healthy obsession after watching Roland and Curt with mullets and trench coats singing dramatically on a beach. Suddenly I found my thing—something that interested me beyond belief, something I absolutely had to research and learn everything about. 

Almost three years later, I own a synthesizer and like to pretend I am in a new wave band in the eighties. R.I.P. 

Even though this is so laughable (I have a jolly good time laughing at myself, but it is simply so fun!), music means everything to me. I never have time to play my synthesizer, but when I do my eyes will not leave it for hours. There is something so alluring about synthesizers and new wave to me. It is my favorite genre of all time, and in a way, it is everything that I am. From the “stay weird”, jittery dancing of Dave Byrd (of the Talking Heads) to Mike Score’s (of A Flock of Seagulls) strange hair-do and sci-fi persona, I see myself. And I see myself in the whirs and clicks of Gary Numan’s cold synthesizers, and I see myself in the Cure’s rich blend of impeccable sound. New wave is full of melancholy, madness, and intention created by some pretty darn intelligent artists battling pessimism or transforming it into art. Inspired by the blatant “I don’t care” attitude of punk and England’s grey skies, new wave has inspired nearly every aspect of my life. It is an addiction, I tell ya…

Where does Depeche Mode fit into all of this? 

In 2018, I typed “People Are People” into the Youtube search engine and found this:

So this was “Depeechee” Mode…interesting. Immediately, I was filled with a hundred questions all vying for my attention. What was going on? Who exactly were these people? What did the lyrics mean? And, most importantly, was that a battleship? I was intrigued by the cool lead singer who wore all black and possibly eyeliner. And I loved his funky dance moves, haha! I could not make out much of the other band members other than the second main singerthe curly blond one wearing a lot of eyeshadow and leather. Although I was not aware of it at the time, I was hooked. 

I have undergone numerous Depeche Mode phases since thenwhich basically consist of me listening to nothing but DM, wanting to wear my leather jacket with everything, and doing a concerning amount of research and video-mining. Surprise! I am in a mega Depeche Mode phase right now, so step aside, Cure!

Therefore, I present to you the extensive product of my infatuation: a blog discussing the addictive but stellar nature of Depeche Mode and the band’s insane influence on its very, very, very devoted fans.

Depeche Mode, if you are reading this, go on tour…I am begging you.

Depeche Mode

Some brief history:

  • formed in Basildon in 1980
  • OG member Vince Clarke said “peace out” after the first album dropped and went on to form Yaz and Erasure
  • Alan Wilder joined in 1982 after lying about his age and acing the audition
  • Depeche Mode started wearing leather jackets
  • Boom…fourteen studio albums and worldwide success

WHo the heck are these people?

Dave Gahan

The man, the myth, the legend…lead singer of Depeche! (also, “the attitude”)

Martin L. Gore

A literal icon…synth and guitar player…vocalist (and “the brains” behind Depeche’s lyrics)!:

Alan Wilder

Synth legend and extraordinaire…occasional drummer (“the genius” and “the secret mastermind” behind the majority of DM hits)!:

Andrew Fletcher

…he plays the synth pretty darn well, is a tall English lad, and can be mistaken as DM’s accountant (“the consistency”)!:

*note: everyone in Depeche kind of does their own thing—from playing tambourine to shopping cart sides—so take these roles with a grain of salt*

…Depeche Mode!

They have gone through so many stages as a band; it is absolutely wild. 

Stage One: Vince Clarke era

  • album one released in 1981: Speak and Spell
  • I bet $100 that the band can not recall this era without cringing


They look so uncomfortableto the point I must laugh. Vince is the scraggly lad that is slightly separate from the others, almost appearing edited in. 

The only Depeche Mode music video Vince Clarke made an appearance in despite forming the band:

The first time I saw this, I was taken aback. Although this is a fun, bubble-gum synth pop performance that fits the song, it is obvious that they are trying too hard. 

Surprise…Vince Clarke leaves the band…something to do with finding the interviews and prospect of touring busy and annoying. Dave Gahan says Vince was actually bored and itching to seek out more successful projects. 

Stage Two: Alan Wilder Joins

  • 1981
  • The band put out an ad in a magazine asking for a new member under the age of twenty-one. After lying that he was not twenty-two, Alan Wilder aced the audition and joined the band. 
  • A classically trained musician, Alan became the Music Director of the band and was responsible for its sound. (Bolded because this is an important note to pay attention to…)

Okay, refresher: (from left-to-right) Andrew “Andy” Fletcher, Dave Gahan, Martin Gore, and…new addition Alan Wilder.

Look how young they were! It makes me laugh because, well, you will see how much they change. 

But in my opinion, Alan Wilder fits the band a hundred times better than Vince. This is a rock solid fourthey all compliment each other. 

One of the first Depeche Mode videos I watched (surprisingly, I viewed this live version of “Just Can’t Get Enough” before the official music video):

I can never watch this without smiling. Although Vincewho was the major songwriteris not present, this version to me feels more authentic and better fits the song. And it is live! I love Depeche Mode because they are natural performers. This is super light-hearted and infectiously giddy. Andy’s awkward foot-dancing? Yes. Dave’s youthful dancing? Yes. Alan’s fun swagger? Yes. Martin’s good-humored smirk? Yes.

To me, this video represents the new Depeche Mode. And they were not trying to be anyone but a couple of young guys playing synths and enjoying themselves. To me, this is how the band truly began.

Stage Three: Leather Jackets? Yes.

  • 1984
  • Occurred after the suit-and-tie phase of the following albums: A Broken Frame (1982) (included hits such as “Leave in Silence” and “See You”) and Construction Time Again (1983) (included hits such as “Everything Counts” and “Love, in Itself”)
  • The albums of this era include the following: Some Great Reward (1984) (“People Are People” and “Blasphemous Rumours”), Black Celebration (1986) (“Black Celebration” and “A Question of Time”), Music for the Masses (1987) (“Never Let Me Down Again” and “Strangelove”), and of course…Violator (1990) (“Enjoy the Silence” and “Personal Jesus”). 
  • The “Golden Era” of Depeche Mode!







This era is my personal favorite. I can not possibly express how much I love every album, every individual detail that amounts to the overall aesthetic. It is literally perfect.

So, what happened to the bow-tie-wearing, basically British boy band from before? Well…Vince Clarke founded Depeche Mode in two instances: the moment he created it and the moment he left.

Depeche started with Vince and Andy playing guitars inspired by the Cure’s 1979 album Three Imaginary Boys. And they only fell in love with synthesizers because of Andy’s friend Martin, who owned a synth cheaper than a guitar amp. Vince was a founding member. He brought the band together, and they played for years in random locationssporting the name Depeche Mode, something Dave Gahan had spotted in a clothing magazine during his time studying fashion in college. Depeche’s 1981 album Speak and Spell is irreplaceable, fun, and genius. “New Life” is a stellar opening number filled with bubbly sequencers and early 80’s synth pop fun. I love “Just Can’t Get Enough” so much that I learned the riff on my own synthesizer. But Speak and Spell was Vince Clarke. 

Vince was the main producer, the leader. He wrote the lyrics, the musiceverythingAnd if he would have continued with Depeche Mode, the band as we knew it would not have existed…no “Personal Jesus”, “Strangelove”, “People Are People”…nothing. And I feel like Vince would have left anyway. He was not destined to carry on with the guys from Basildon; therefore, I feel he saved Depeche by leaving, in a way. And he produced some memorable hits with Yaz and formed Erasure, a perfect musical duo that has lasted for years. By leaving, Vince created Depeche Mode as we knew it. Thanks, Vince Clarke!

When Vince left, Martin took up songwriting and Alan joined. And Depeche flourished.

In 1984, three years and two albums after Vince departed, the band released an album entitled Some Great Reward. In my opinion, with this album, Depeche Mode truly grew into the icons that they are. Alan introduced EM-U Emulators I and II. And with these legendary synthesizers, Depeche Mode began sampling sounds like scissors snipping and pots clattering down stairs. Some Great Reward was unlike anything music had seen before. The music is heavy, industrial, metallic. It carries the sound of traditional synth pop presets but blended unrecognizably. It is incredibly rich in texture, tone. And Dave’s voice adds a smooth touch to all the grating metal sound effects. Somehow, the band managed to create something so heavy and steely but packed with such emotion. 

For example, here is a track from Some Great Reward. I first encountered “Blasphemous Rumours” on the radio while driving sometime at night. I had never heard anything quite like it before; it was extraordinary. Side note, I had never sat through the entire music video before, so I only now noticed the Yamaha DX7 (?) synth Martin is playing! That is one of the most legendary 80’s synths of all time. Also, I am not going to comment how much Dave looks like Morrissey…

Speak and Spell was fun and bright-sounding but consciously Vince Clarke. Written mainly by Vince, A Broken Frame still carried the same early synth pop melodies. Construction Time Again introduced a more industrial edge. And with Some Great Reward, every trace of Vince Clarke’s electronic optimism had vanished. The band was changing—adopting a darker appearance and focusing heavily on life’s substance. And with their 1986 album Black Celebration, their transition from posh school boys to pensive stars in leather jackets was final.

In my opinion, Black Celebration was Depeche Mode’s first rock-solid, awe-inspiring album. Every song is an individual, but their flow altogether is immaculate. Everything is intentional and ingenious. And the first track, “Black Celebration” is one of the most captivating opening numbers of all time. I can only compare its dynamic, darkly mystifying beginning to the ethereal “Plainsong”, a track that introduces the Cure’s Disintegration. Not only is the song cinematic, but the beat is incredibly catchy and rich variety. 

In 1987, Depeche Mode’s six album, Music for the Masses, was released…and what has to be one of my favorite Depeche Mode eras. The album begins with the sonic “Never Let Me Down Again”—a literal masterpiece meant for stadiums packed with thousands. This epic opening of impressive sound leads into an album showcasing the band’s versatility. From the techno ballad “The Things You Said” to the heavy, drum-filled “To Have and to Hold”, Music for the Masses truly displays the sheer ingenuity of the band. My favorite Depeche Mode song ever, “Strangelove”, is featured on this album!

I recently learned the catchy synth riff on my synthesizer, and it is so addictive to play! I love the groove of this song; it is so unique and dance-worthy. I also love the Music for the Masses era because of 101, Depeche’s live album recorded in the Rose Bowl. I personally believe it is one of most stellar live performances of all time. Here is a video of the legendary concert. At 45:44, the band closes with “Never Let Me Down Again”. 

Then, in 1990, Depeche Mode dropped one of the most memorable albums of all time: Violator. In a way, this album feels like a second part to Music for the Masses. The band’s most acclaimed songs—”Enjoy the Silence” and “Personal Jesus” are found on this album. I personally view Violator as the peak of Depeche Mode. The dark, sophisticated allure they had been building since 1984 had risen to its highest, most profound degree. This was Depeche Mode in all of its synth-driven, dark wave glory. Although their next album was a massive success, to me Violator will always be Depeche’s magnum opus.

May I present to you “Enjoy the Silence”! Perhaps the band’s most popular piece, this was once a typical ballad written by Martin. But Alan suggested a more electronic, fast tempo approach usually found in dance music (side note: that is Alan at 2:06 playing the synthesizer). Thank you, Alan Wilder, because this song is not only unique but a smashing success! I also learned it on my synth, and it is absolutely beautiful!

So this is Depeche Mode

This is only part of Depeche’s journey as a band. But these were my favorite years: the awkwardness of finding fame at a young age and losing their frontman, the shift between bow ties and leather jackets, the manifestation of a sound unlike any other. This group of four—Dave Gahan, Martin L. Gore, Andy Fletcher, and Alan Wilder—were unstoppable. But dark days lay ahead. Everything changed after Violator.

I have always loved Depeche Mode. But recently, I have sort of fallen in love with the band. They are beyond talented, and it is no surprise that their fans are known as Devotees (after their upcoming album Songs of Faith and Devotion and its Devotional tour). There is no mistaking the soul connection fans have to the band. And I realized this after stumbling upon a documentary entitled Our Hobby is Depeche Mode. Suddenly, my interest in Depeche Mode was rekindled. This blog, and what is to come, is all a result of that documentary; this is my interpretation, my analysis, my perspective.

Stay tuned for more! This is part one of a series based upon the documentary. In this blog, I broke down some of the band’s background. In part two, I will analyze the documentary’s contents in-depth and ponder the reason behind Depeche’s influence. And in part three I will ask, who exactly is Depeche Mode?

Thank you for reading, and come back soon!


Dissecting Songs I Obsess Over

Welcome to my blog…where I often overstay my welcome writing music reviews. In this blog post, I will dissect a handful of songs I tend to obsess over. Enjoy!

“Just Like Heaven” – The Cure

Note: the sound quality is slightly diminished in this video, but everyone likes a music video, right? Enjoy these strangely brilliant people with their funky hair.

Initial Impressions

In May of 1987, the Cure released a studio album titled Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Although this album boasted memorable, catchy hits such as “Why Can’t I Be You”, the eighth track—”Just Like Heaven”—became a smashing success and a Cure classic…and my favorite song by the Cure, ever. Now, I listen to a lot of the Cure. I love Faith with its ethereal, gloomy works such as “The Funeral Party” and “All Cats Are Grey”. I wrote a three-part blog analyzing all of Disintegration. And I am no stranger to a few underrated B-sides: “To the Sky”, “Halo”, and “This Twilight Garden” to name a few. But my favorite Cure song of all time is perhaps one of their most popular pieces.

Why? Well, it feels me with such indescribable joy. When the drums first kick in, I immediately want to get up and dance. And not to mention “Just Like Heaven” is a pop masterpiece written by anti-pop Robert Smith who loves to sporadically confuse critiques and fans; although the Cure is associated with eighties’ gothic culture, the band will write a lovesick, perfect pop song for kicks. But, yes, this a layered masterpiece that makes my heart spill! The song begins with a catchy drum beat and bass, then a low guitar and another low guitar, and then…an absolutely iconic synth riff…before one of the most delectable electric guitars still the spotlight. And Robert Smith’s voice is as smooth as raspberry sorbet and twice as sweet. 

Overall, I can never be mad whilst listening to “Just Like Heaven”. It is one of the impeccable songs in existence, and I can not help but smile and dance a little, feeling energetic. It is definitely one of my comfort songs. I absolutely can not get over the electric guitar and synth riff. This song, to me, is like the auditory equivalent of watching a sunrise, eating an orange, or smelling tangy sherbet. Ah!


“Just Like Heaven”

“Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream,” she said
“The one that makes me laugh,” she said
And threw her arms around my neck
“Show me how you do it,
And I promise you,
I promise that
I’ll run away with you,
I’ll run away with you.”

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways
I had to make her glow
“Why are you so far away?” she said,
“Why won’t you ever know
That I’m in love with you,
That I’m in love with you.”

Soft and only
Lost and lonely
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
You’re just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

Soft and only
Lost and lonely
Just like heaven

This song’s lyrics are utterly delectable. Robert’s Smith’s words are as sugary sweet as strawberry cheesecake. “Just Like Heaven” is one of the Cure’s upbeat love songs, and although it is quite simple—lacking any ulterior motive or dense metaphor—it is literal perfection. 

Robert’s voice is impeccable, his tone changing to match each word intuitively. And listeners are immediately hooked after “show me, show me, show me…” Not only is the first stanza eye-catching, as it is quite dialogue-driven and fun, but the entire plot of “Just Like Heaven” is as immersive at is catchy. With lines such as “spinning on that dizzy edge” and “dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water” Smith evokes this lovesick, giddy feeling in listeners. 

But the lyrics take a mysterious and slightly ominous turn. The protagonist in the song wakes up alone on a cliff by the sea: “…alone above a raging sea that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me.” I am infatuated with this line and its strange, significant meaning. What does it mean to have someone drowned deep inside of you? Suddenly, the story of “Just Like Heaven” has taken upon itself a negative connotation, but it is not necessarily sinister. This sudden shift is nearly imperceptible, as the musical tone appears unchanged. But “Just Like Heaven” is no ordinary love song despite its seemingly simple make up. 

Overall, I absolutely love the lyrics. With lines such as “daylight licked me into shape” and “you’re just like a dream” and “I’ll run away with you”, Smith makes me want to write a strange love poem. I love everything about the lyrics: the word choice, hazy story, and myriad of feelings it sparks. 


I feel so weightless listening to this; I want to spin in circles until my eyes swim with my surroundings and I am dizzy. I love the punching drums joined by the grounding, groovy bass. I love the piano trills, grand synth chords, and, above all else, that iconic electric guitar. And Smith’s voice is so fitting, so immaculate. Therefore, I am wholly in love with this ethereal piece, “Just Like Heaven”, and the feeling remains long after all the instruments and lyrics end with Smith’s, “just like heaven.” I mean, comparing someone to heaven? Wow!

“Big Sleep” – Simple Minds

Note: Once again I am using a video of low quality. But this is such a captivating live performance! I wish I was there back in 1983, alas…Although the singer is not dancing crazily, his careful, fluid movement across the stage is memorable. And let us take a second to appreciate the synth player…he is all alone playing that same riff over and over while managing a wall of synthesizers. 

Initial Impressions

In 1982, Simple Minds released New Gold Dream—arguably one of their best albums. Although I enjoy the majority of the album’s content, I was absolutely enamored by “Big Sleep” ever since it first met my ears. The methodical, repeating synth riff immediately arrested my attention, and my jaw dropped as the song progressed. “Big Sleep” is something to listen to with your eyes closed: your mind able to fully process the song and all of its fascinating pieces. This is a song to dance to in the rain, a song to walk with beneath the white winter sky, a song to listen to as you drive at night. It is absolutely hypnotic…everything about it: the poignant synth riff, the ti-ti-tipping drums, the whining guitar, the unfettered bass, and the smooth vocals. Ugh, what an epic song! I love “Big Sleep” with all of my heart, and I can listen to it on loop for hours. Every delicious piece of it is something to savor carefully and with your full attention. Oh, and yeah…I love this song so much that I learned the iconic synth riff. 


“Big Sleep”

“So where did you go?
Where do you go in the Big Sleep
Going out in the Deep Sleep
Is where you’re wandering now
So where did you go
When you’re in the Big Sleep
Drifting in wildlife
And still you’re wandering now

We were on the top and the world was spinning
We were only young in the whirlpool of warning
Communication lost in the thundering rain style
A shelter from the storm in the early beginning
Going out in the Big Sleep, out in the Big Sleep
Could have been years, you know it could have been years
Or only seconds ago

Big Sleep, Deep Sleep

Where are you now?
Now that you’re up in Big Sleep
Valuable friend
They saw you leaving this way

We were on the top and the world was spinning
We were only young in the whirlpool of warning
Communication lost in the thundering rain style
A shelter from the storm in the early beginning
Where did you go?
Immaculate friend
For a lifetime I’m grateful
And it’s only seconds away

Big Sleep, Deep Sleep

For evermore
If only you could see me
If only you could see me
If only you could see
Coming home in the Big Sleep
Coming home”

Wow. The lyrics are indecipherable to me, but I am definitely amazed by the meticulous and inventive wording. After reading through the song, my guess is that Big Sleep is a substitute phrase for the word death. This song reads a bit melancholic to me in various ways, so I have some belief in my guess.

After the subtle intro, Jim Kerr sings, “So where did you go?” And a burst of emotionally-charged sound follows. I adore the interesting inflection in his voice.

One of my absolute favorite parts is when Kerr sings, “We were on the top, and the world was spinning; we were only young in the whirlpool of warning.” The meaning alludes me, but I interpret this as a glimpse into memories of once lively moments. These couple of lines maintain the melancholic, hazy vibe of the song but contrast the uncertainty and loss of the Big Sleep with youthful, head-spinning triumph.

I am curious about the significance of time:

  • “could have been years, you know it could have been years…or only seconds ago”
  • “For a lifetime I’m grateful, and it’s only seconds away”
  • “for evermore…forever”

My crude analysis: If I settle upon my interpretation that “Big Sleep” is death,  perhaps “could have been years” and “only seconds ago” mean you could die years later or only seconds ago. And perhaps Kerr hopes to live a proper lifetime, as death is only seconds away. And when a person dies, their presence becomes forever uncertain and intangible.

All in all, if I were to continue with this theme of death, I could say that Jim Kerr wrote “Big Sleep” after a death of a significant, “immaculate” friend. He is grieving and wondering of the this deceased person’s existence after death, asking, “so where did you go” and “where are you now”. He begins to reflect upon the futility of his own life and the fragility of existence. And he has potent nostalgia for younger, brighter days spent with the deceased person when death felt so far away—”we were only young in the whirlpool of warning.” And although Kerr wishes the person could only see him, he eventually views death as inevitable and makes peace with it at the end: “coming home in the Big Sleep, coming home.”


Every once in awhile, you stumble across a particular song that lifts you and assuages you like a melodious hug. For me, “Big Sleep” is one such song. Jim Kerr’s voice is hauntingly beautiful, his performance on stage hypnotic, his English accent on point, his lyrics a bit ominous in their mystery. I am in love with the groovy bass and infectiously rhythmic drums and bubbling, whining electric guitars. And I must revere the synth riff as legendary! It adds to hypnotic, thought-evoking nature of a song that is also simultaneously rich in movement. I can listen to “Big Sleep” over and over again and never grow numb to its awesome effect. Thank you, Simple Minds! This is my favorite song you sing…not “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”! This is an absolute masterpiece.

“Souvenir” – Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

Note: What a beautiful three minutes…one of the most subtle yet artistic music videos I have ever encountered. Although it follows band member Andy McCluskey in a cherry red convertible, the scene is captured with reverent lens, every detail savored. I can not express how perfect this music video is; it has made a home within my heart, and I can feel the myriad of meaning behind each detail. Also, it works with the song so magically.

Initial Impressions

This song means so much to me. The intro is soft, comforting but ominous, and reminiscent of a hushed choir of voices. And the synthesizers are sweet and upbeat but filled with longing or loss. And Paul Humphreys’ voice is so light but heavily significant. “Souvenir” was a part of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark’s 1981 album Architecture & Morality. Its early new wave sound is evident, and I am such a fan! I love OMD because of their fantastic usage of synthesizers and drum machines. In some lights, “Souvenir” can be viewed as an imperfect pop song—short, simple, and catchy…but not as catchy as “If You Leave”, the band’s smashing hit song. But in another light, this track is three minutes of sound to dream to, to discover one’s self. It is a reflective piece revealing OMD’s masterful methods of blending sounds, textures, and moods without revealing anything. the subtlety in “Souvenir” is staggering.



“It’s my direction, it’s my proposal
It’s so hard it’s leading me astray
My obsession, it’s my creation
You’ll understand it’s not important now

All I need is co-ordination
I can’t imagine my destination
My intention ask my opinion
But no excuse, my feelings still remain

My feelings still remain”

How amazingly vague are these lyrics? They can mean a number of things, and I am quite curious to know the original intent behind them. But I am confident enough to say the lyrics center around obsession. Perhaps this is a quiet voice in an argument. Perhaps it is a private realization. And perhaps the songwriter is professing their love for fast food tacos. Whatever the underlying meaning, “Souvenir” is a masterpiece of subtlety.

Although the lyrics could be discussing a person’s obsession with said fast food tacos, I can easily imagine “Souvenir” being a carefully guarded profession of love. The speaker in this song has developed significant feelings for someone they probably should not have, for the speaker fears this love will be unrequited. Maybe my interpretation is a stretch, but a few other OMD songs have similar themes: “Secret”, for instance, is an admittance of adoration. And some of the lyrics In “Souvenir” support my interpretation as well. The speaker is admitting their feelings because it is becoming an obsession, their direction; it is leading them astray from their preconceived path in life. And the speaker is conflicted because they feel it is solely their creation and their proposal. And although this obsession has become the speaker’s direction in life, they can not possibly imagine their destination. Not completely understanding the intention behind their feelings, they cover it up and deem it unimportant. But their feelings still remain, and all they want, all they need, is reciprocation.

That was a lengthy analysis! But I love it because I gathered all of that from a few vague lines. Again, “Souvenir” could have been written about a concerning love for fast food, but I love the drama of this interpretation. Speaking of, what is the meaning of the title? Anyway, I love these lyrics.


This song instills so much peace within me. It calms me down, enables me to breathe. And I love to walk with it playing in my earbuds, for it is so deliciously atmospheric. OMD is definitely one of my favorite underrated bands. The melodic synth riffs in this are absolutely stellar, but OMD, of course, is a legendary synth band. I greatly appreciate the balance in this song of soft, whispering voices and bouncy, optimistic keys. Paul’s voice is so ethereal—as is the song itself. “Souvenir” is something to listen to while cloud-watching or writing stressful essays late at night. Thank you, OMD, for creating something so comforting. It perfectly matches a mood I feel sometimes, one I can only describe as taking in a magnificent sky with watering eyes. I love it!

Peace Out

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a great day! Tune in later for more music content. (:

The Art of Disintegration – Album Review for the Cure (pt. 3)

Welcome to part three of my Disintegration analysis! In this post, I will be reviewing the final four songs of the album. I have enjoyed this journey thus far, as I revere the Cure as an insanely talented and groundbreaking band. Sit back, relax, and enjoy!

Track Nine: “The Same Deep Water as You”

Duration: 9:19

Initial Thoughts

…one of Disintegration‘s masterpieces. The melancholy contained in this piece paints Morrissey—of the Smiths—as an oblivious, happy-go-lucky guy. Although I can not deny the infectious drone of Morrissey’s voice—which is perfectly suited for melancholic songs about loneliness and despair—”The Same Deep Water as You” has a mature air of dreariness that is utterly incomparable. The song begins with the sound of falling rain, a crack of thunder preceding the eerie musical intro; the hypnotic light drums and somber strings luring listeners. And when the mysterious, entrancing synth adds a subtle but extravagant flair, Robert Smith’s voice joins in. The captivating vocals slip into the saturated setting with ease, and the overall effect is flavorful, dynamic. “The Same Deep Water as You” wraps listeners in an assuaging fog of sorrow, the vaporous guitars surprisingly groovy and the many textures rich in feeling and meditative thought. 


“The Same Deep Water as You”

“Kiss me goodbye
Pushing out before I sleep
Can’t you see I try
Swimming the same deep water as you is hard
‘The shallow drowned lose less than we’
You breathe
The strangest twist upon your lips
‘And we shall be together… ‘

‘Kiss me goodbye
Bow your head and join with me’
And face pushed deep
Reflections meet
The strangest twist upon your lips
And disappear
The ripples clear
And laughing
Break against your feet
And laughing
Break the mirror sweet
‘So we shall be together… ‘

‘Kiss me goodbye’
Pushing out before I sleep
It’s lower now and slower now
The strangest twist upon your lips
But I don’t see
And I don’t feel
But tightly hold up silently
My hands before my fading eyes
And in my eyes
Your smile
The very last thing before I go…

I will kiss you I will kiss you
I will kiss you forever on nights like this
I will kiss you I will kiss you
And we shall be together…”

Firstly, I would like to express my admiration for Robert Smith’s fantastic lyrics! Each song is a snippet of a journey—a moment—that is entrancing; the music ends, and you feel awoken from a strange dream that almost belongs to you. “The Same Deep Water as You” transports me, personally, to an ocean in the night. The water chills me to the bone, and everything lies deceiving still, filled with potential energy—disaster gathering its breath, preparing to strike. To conclude my contented poetry-obsessed heart, there is not a Cure song that fails to take me somewhere. Listening to this track, I almost want to shiver and pull a jacket tightly around me. 

My interpretation of this piece exists in the following: It is dark, quiet, and chilly, and the narrator is with someone who wades too far into a body of water with substantial depth; the narrator has no choice but to chase after the person, out into the frightening depths of the freezing water. Now, this stands as my literal interpretation. As for a more figurative explanation, the narrator’s muse is pulling the narrator into something fearful and weighty. Although the narrator struggles to join their muse, they succumb by the end of the song.

Perhaps my literal and figurative interpretations can be applied simultaneously. Perhaps the narrator is pondering on the aforementioned dilemma while swimming with their muse. Below I have provided my reasons why:

  • In the first stanza, the narrator is at war with what the speaker wants, but the speaker is persistent and a bit daring.
    • “…Can’t you see I try
      Swimming the same deep water as you is hard
      ‘The shallow drowned lose less than we’
      You breathe
      The strangest twist upon your lips
      ‘And we shall be together… ‘”
    • In the second stanza, I see the narrator diving into the black water after their muse. I am unsure about the use of “reflections”, but perhaps the narrator sees their muse’s face staring up at them—the narrator’s reflection of the surface colliding with this sight. But then the muse is gone, the water still—beckoning the narrator to “break the mirror” or disrupt the reflecting stillness of the water to join them.
      • “…Reflections meet
        The strangest twist upon your lips
        And disappear
        The ripples clear…
        …And laughing
        Break the mirror sweet
        ‘So we shall be together… ‘”
  • The third stanza is my absolute favorite. It realizes the narrator’s surrender to the water and the person persuading their descent. Robert Smith conveys this effortlessly—his voice at its most dramatic pitch in the song, his words seeming lost as he repeats, “the very last thing before I go.” In this one stanza, his fear gives way to something hazy and illogical.
    • “…It’s lower now and slower now
      The strangest twist upon your lips
      But I don’t see
      And I don’t feel
      But tightly hold up silently
      My hands before my fading eyes
      And in my eyes
      Your smile
      The very last thing before I go…”

To conclude my analysis, perhaps “The Same Deep Water as You” follows two people swimming beneath the stars in the black abyss of the ocean. Perhaps it follows someone’s surrender to something toxic they would rather avoid. Perhaps the narrator is talking to themselves or something. But who knows? 


Writing this analysis, I have significantly more appreciation for this track. Following the falling rain that introduces this song, methodical but urgent drums are followed by a dreary bass and eerie synth. Periodical cracks of thunder pierce the ensemble of gloom, and Smith’s vocals—although a piece of this puzzle of sound—provides a plot. Overall, the guitars are rich and flavorful, the bass and tinny drums rhythmic as they are daunting, the synths perfectly matching Smith’s tortured voice. I feel cold and disturbed but assured by the delicious melancholy of this piece. And I love Robert Smith’s lyrics and the way his voice brings them into existence: he is not simply reciting them in a singing voice; he is living and breathing them. And the guitars! “The Same Deep Water as You” is a hidden gem deserving of occasional infatuation and excessive blog rambling.

Track Ten: “Disintegration”

Duration: 8:18

Initial Thoughts

Of guilt, apathy, and painful imperfection, “Disintegration” earns its name. The song begins with shattering glass, a bass with a sorrowful drone, and quick and heavy drums reminiscent of “One Hundred Years”, a Cure song from 1982. The repetition of the rhythm is purposeful, allowing listeners to slip into the churning blend of meditative guitars and drums and various, random bits of texture. For nearly two minutes, Robert Smith does not utter a word. But when he begins to sing, the lyrics flow in an almost cathartic way. The instrumental background established earlier perfectly highlights Robert’s dramatically changing pitch—the lyrics carry substantial weight and are given the spotlight they deserve. This song removes listeners from the wary, trepid voice of “The Same deep Water as You” to examine the despairing, guilty conscious of “Disintegration”‘s narrator. This piece clarifies the Cure’s ingenuity: although it is not my favorite track from the album, the shattering glass, Smith’s narrative voice, and the ensemble of instruments perfectly capture anguish and the process of disintegrating against one’s will.



“Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The shameless kiss of vanity
The soft and the black and the velvety
Up tight against the side of me
And mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
And run in thickening streams of greed
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go
My party piece

Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The aching kiss before I feed
The stench of a love for a younger meat
And the sound that it makes
When it cuts in deep
The holding up on bended knees
The addiction of duplicities
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go
My party piece

But I never said I would stay to the end
So I leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
Screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the scenery
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew
How the ending would be…

So it’s all come back round to breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I’m made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round
And it’s coming apart again
Over and over and over

Now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces
I’ll pull out my heart
And I’ll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy
Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye
Through the eye of the needle
It’s easier for me to get closer to heaven
Than ever feel whole again

I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the end always is

How the end always is…”

Wow, that is a lot to unpack…After inspecting the lyrics—which are almost written as a stream of consciousness—Robert Smith’s singing style in “Disintegration” makes perfect sense. The words rush from Smith like a painful river of truth, but he ends his confession of a song on a relieved note. “Disintegration” deserves its name for its cathartic delivery; it embodies the album and summarizes the various themes in each track. Reality is confronting the narrator with everything it has, leaving nothing unnoticed or unfelt. I revere this track for the band’s immaculate portrayal of the act of, well, disintegration. Personally, I imagine the narrator trapped within an intangible whirlwind of all their fear and guilt. I imagine the narrator either engaged in an argument or alone in the dark or surrounded by tons of people oblivious to their suffering. Listeners have a crystal clear glimpse into this narrator’s perspective. From the overall sound and Smith’s lyrics, I feel trapped in a bleak reality I have created and can not seem to escape. I feel my lungs constrict and my head spin. Lights are blinding and streak across my vision, and I feel myself dissociating. Of course, this is all imagined—often, I listen to “Disintegration” while humming and thinking about my lunch—but I love how effective the Cure is at conveying moments! 

Robert Smith’s voice, in the beginning, is as quiet and dreary as lilting bass. He seems to choose his words carefully despite beginning to break down his resistance. Then, as synth begins to accompany the musical ensemble, the flow of Smith’s words becomes more rapid and free. He retires his composed singing featured in the track before: “The Same Deep Water as You”. He surrenders a perfect pitch to adopt one of release and admittance, his voice almost breaking as if in an argument. And after the most impactful stanza, Smith repeats “how the end always is” until the instruments have a dramatic, resonating finale and the glass is swept up. Smith’s voice is drained but not defeated.

A Few of My Favorite Lyrics:
  • “And mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
    And run in thickening streams of greed”
  • “So it’s all come back round to breaking apart again
    Breaking apart like I’m made up of glass again
    Making it up behind my back again
    Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again”
  • “Now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces
    I’ll pull out my heart
    And I’ll feed it to anyone
    Crying for sympathy
    Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
    And the three cheers from everyone
    Dropping through sky”
    • Hm…”Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd”? I love this! How intriguing…


Wow. I am definitely impressed. Once again, the Cure does not disappoint. I absolutely love the glass sound effects, whining guitar, synth (for dramatic emphasis), and the overall ability of this song to transport me to a foreign yet somehow familiar moment in time. Smith’s lyrics are brilliant, and the way he relays them is so emotional and effective. “Disintegration” is one of the most sincere songs I have ever encountered. This track benefits from high volumes…feel free to blast it while dancing at your desk at midnight while eating a bagel or crying on your cold, crumb-speckled floor.

Track Eleven: “Homesick”

Duration: 7:06.

Initial Thoughts 

In all honesty, I do not love this track. I personally feel that “Homesick” is one of the weakest songs on Disintegration. However, the album hugely benefits from its presence, as it is the beginning of the end. It carries the same themes of “Disintegration” but with much more clarity, and it sets up the mood for the final track on the album. “Homesick”: emotionally drained, contemplative, but also in denial. It refuses to refute its wrongs or face reality; it is one last pinch of turpitude. After reflecting upon the songs overall sound, it begins quite assured in its melancholy. I may not treasure the song itself, but I definitely respect and appreciate. The layering is impeccable: the sincere piano meets the carefully plucked guitar and riveting drums and the sorrow violin—viola?—and then a more electric-sounding guitar. And finally, after some bass and a three minute intro, Smith begins to sing. The piano is jazzy, the guitars slightly “rockish”…exquisite overall sound and energy.



“Hey hey!
Just one more and I’ll walk away
All the everything you win
Turns to nothing today
And I forget how to move
When my mouth is this dry
And my eyes are bursting hearts
In a blood-stained sky
Oh it was sweet
It was wild
And oh how we…
I trembled
Stuck in honey
Cling to me…
So just one more
Just one more go
Inspire in me the desire in me
To never go home

Oh just one more
And I’ll walk away
All the everything you win
Turns to nothing today
So just one more
Just one more go
Inspire in me the desire in me
To never go home”

I am interested in the perspective Robert Smith wrote “Homesick” from. Despite the title, one line reads, “Inspire in me the desire to never go home.” First of all, I have never heard of anyone desiring to avoid one’s home…one usually desires to return home. Likewise, to state the obvious, why title this piece “Homesick”? Do the title and lyrics go hand-in-hand? Was the title a guilty afterthought? Why is the overall sound somber if the song is about wanting to never return home? Is there a touch of sarcasm, irony, or purposeful contradiction anywhere? “Homesick” is definitely a head-scratcher, but I feel that is what Robert Smith has intended.

Although the lyrics are brief and inspire me as much as “Last Dance”—a previous song on Disintegration—I do absolutely adore the line, “my eyes are bursting hearts in a blood-stained sky.” Ugh! So beautiful, am I right? I also love, “All the everything you win turns to nothing today.” Overall, this is a powerful, moving track that is delicious to my ears, but I have a difficult time personalizing the song’s meaning. What do you think? The light lyrics do not match the regretful sound and the title, and I believe this to be purposeful…how clever! 


Sorry, Cure, but I doubt I have ever sought out “Homesick”…this is the most I have listened to the song on its own. Although “Homesick” does not possess the grand, bone-shattering glory of “Plainsong” nor the infectious “hit recipe” of “Pictures of You” and “Lovesong”, the album simply would not be the same without it. The track exists as a perfect segue from “Disintegration” into the final track of the album. It is also one of slowest, more methodical songs on the album. And it has a unique sound! I absolutely love the singing guitar in the beginning and then the addition of a more whiny guitar. And then…a smooth base line. “Homesick” is a musical dish of lasagna, consisting of layers upon layers. And how can I possibly criticize the raining melody of strings and intriguing drums and the most jazzy piano on the entire album. And Smith’s languid voice ties everything together like a bow on a present. 

Track Twelve: Untitled 

Duration: 6:30.

Initial Impressions

When I first listened to “Untitled”, I was unsure about the wheezy accordion(?)-filled first few seconds. But oh my goodness! This has got to be one of the best Cure songs, in my opinion. Why? The sound is air-tight in its stability and precision. “Untitled” is an impeccable end to Disintegration. The lyrics are absolutely stellar; Robert Smith’s voice reads so clearly and with appreciable sincerity. I absolutely love the confident drums matched perfectly with the churning bass, and I adore the singing guitar—it is more rich and tender than filet mignon! And I would have to say the same for Smith’s vocals. Also, before I summarize my impression, you got to love those cymbal crescendos, eh? Overall, this track has such a relaxing, light sound…the most fitting end to a masterpiece such as Disintegration!


“Hopelessly drift
In the eyes of the ghost again
Down on my knees
And my hands in the air again
Pushing my face in the memory of you again
But I never know if it’s real
Never know how I wanted to feel
Never quite said what I wanted to say to you
Never quite managed the words to explain to you
Never quite knew how to make them believable
And now the time has gone
Another time undone
Hopelessly fighting the devil
Feeling the monster
Climb deeper inside of me
Feeling him gnawing my heart away
I’ll never lose this pain
Never dream of you again”

Surprise! The lyrics do not match the light beat at all. The Cure has mastered the art of contradiction to better the experience and/or meaning of a song. With “Untitled”, the rhythms are refreshing and sweet, but the lyrics sting. In my opinion, these lyrics are some of Robert Smith’s best work. All I can say is…ow.

“Hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again; down on my knees, and my hands in the air again”…what an evocative entrance. This paints such a picture of bleak surrender and sorrow. Now, I could dissect this song in such a way line by line, but I will paraphrase for your sanity, hah! Smith goes on to say, “Pushing my face in the memory of you again.” Who is “you”? Anyway, he continues by admitting he has no idea what is real or how to feel. He feels as if he never said everything he hoped to. He realizes the time, the moment, has gone. He uses the word “hopelessly” again when describing a battle against futility, which he describes as being a devilish monster. The song ends as follows: “Feeling the monster climb deeper inside of me, feeling him gnawing my heart away, hungrily; I’ll never lose this pain, never dream of you again.”

Quite somber, am I right? Yes, the lyrics are quite the contrast to the relatively upbeat sound!

I absolutely love how Robert Smith ends Disintegration with these exact lyrics. It is no triumphant affair, nothing close to bombastic. His words are bleeding sincerity. And in a way, “Untitled” summarizes his whole attitude towards the album. The encompassing theme of Disintegration is futility and the battle against it. Is the album enough? Is Smith relaying everything inside of him, everything he intended to share? Does his career as an artist live up to his expectations? The whole inspiration behind Disintegration is Robert Smith dreading his thirtieth birthday because he does not feel accomplished enough. So he ends the album with all grand, explosive sounds peeled back. “Untitled” is stripped of anything that would diminish its core meaning and feel. This is the painful, hopeless reality of Disintegration.


The rich blend of guitars at the end never fail to give me chills, as they are quite sensational. And the accordion picks up once again, but its meaning has changed…I end up appreciating it a bit more, for I see someone in a dimly lit corner playing it solemnly. As for the contradicting lyrics and sound, Smith’s lyrics are despairing, but he is somewhat content with it all. He is almost telling listeners, “Look, it’s not perfect, but who cares? Reality sucks, and I’m just an English guy wearing lipstick with hair full of hairspray.” One can easily feel the pain behind Smith’s wordsto the point that the cheery sound tastes more bitter than sweet. Personally, I find this track immensely consoling. Often, we fail to express ourselves to the fullest; we constantly feel just shy of “enough” or right at it. But that’s okay.

After All of This, What Exactly is Disintegration?

For me, Disintegration is separated into three main segments:

  1. “Plainsong”, “Pictures of You”, and “Closedown”:
    1. The lyrics are all overwhelmed by time.
    2. These three all have an explosive, ethereal sound.
    3. All are a bit comfortable; these are the most stable songs on the album.
  2. “Lovesong”, “Last Dance”, “Lullaby”, “Fascination Street”, and “Prayers for Rain”:
    1. Although of various themes, moods, and meanings, these five characterize the album’s middle.
    2. All of these songs are of a unique sound, purpose, and plot.
    3. These songs share a similar tone, even if subtle.
  3. “The Same Deep Water as You”, “Disintegration”, “Homesick”, “Untitled”:
    1. Robert Smith’s lyrics become more convoluted and regretful and defenseless; his perspective almost does a 180°…these four songs feel so separate from segment one (how does “Pictures of You” belong to the same album as “Disintegration”?)

Overall, I love Disintegration with all of my heart. Although released in 1989, the album continues to have its hits blasted on accepting radio stations. Personally, every time I hear “Pictures of You” play on the radio, my heart almost bursts. The Cure has numerous albums that are absolutely stellarsuch as the fun-filled, addictive Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me (1987) and the ghastly, quiet pondering of Faith (1981). But with Disintegration, Robert Smith created one of the most “together” albums of all time. Despite its overall air of melancholy, it possesses songs for various moments in time, numerous emotions. No singular song diminishes the quality of the album. It is sincere, purposeful, and as original as any other Cure album. And the journey it contains is indescribable: while listening, I found myself standing on a windy cliff overlooking a dark ocean, dancing in a ballroom in the middle of winter, shivering in bed in confining darkness, swimming at night in a frighteningly deep body of water, in the middle of a dizzying breakdown, and in a lonely but comfortable corner. From the grand expanse of “Plainsong” to the small, pained content of “Untitled”, Disintegration holds so much. Often, I like to wrap myself in its songs like warm blankets in the wintertime. 

I know the band will never see this, but I am eternally grateful for the Cure and albums such as Disintegration. Thank you.


The Art of Disintegration – Album Review for the Cure (pt. 2)

Welcome to part two of my review of Disintegration, a Cure album released in 1989. Enjoy!

I had to rewrite it three times because it kept being deleted. (:

Track Six: “Lullaby”

Duration: 4:08

Initial Thoughts

The hook immediately reels in listeners, an eerie stringed instrument later paired with Robert Smith’s whispered vocals. Overall, “Lullaby” plays as an incredibly rich blend of plucked and soaring strings, all tied together by heavy, methodical bass and flat, snapping drums. Horror poetry at its finest, this track deviates from the album’s established sound, possessing an ambiance unique to no other song. “Lullaby” reaches an odd comfort in the depths of unease. It is of fear, of fascination. And as a result, you find yourself swaying to the morbid melody—slipping into the groove, submerged in Smith’s terrified voice.



(I spy with my little eye)
(Something beginning with S)

On candy stripe legs the spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and suddenly!
A movement in the corner of the room!
And there is nothing I can do
When I realize with fright
That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight!

Quietly he laughs, shaking his head
Creeps closer now
Closer to the foot of the bed
And softer than shadow
And quicker than flies
His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes
“Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy
Don’t struggle like that or I will only love you more
For it’s much too late to get away or turn on the light
The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight”

And I feel like I’m being eaten
By a thousand million shivering furry holes
And I know that in the morning
I will wake up in the shivering cold
And the spiderman is always hungry…

(Come into my parlour)
(Said the spider to the fly)
(I have a little something here)

Typical of Robert Smith, a myriad of interpretations surround this track. Perhaps the lyrics depict a horrific nightmare. Perhaps the lyrics follow a child cowering in bed, terrified by their own imagination: “On candy striped legs, the spider man comes…”. Perhaps the lyrics do not regard a child at all; following instead an adult struggling with mental afflictions or, as some speculate, an addiction. Or perhaps the lyrics speak of something far more malicious and even gory. Whatever the intent, Robert Smith’s talent is utterly undeniable.

The Literary Prowess of “Lullaby”
  • “…Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
    Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead…”
    • Through the repetition of the letter S along with a few literary devices, Smith achieves a satisfying lyrical sound.
  • “And softer than shadow
    And quicker than flies
    His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes”
    • This segment successfully contributes to the uneasy atmosphere of “Lullaby”—augmenting the situation to something dire in a way that listeners feel every ounce of fear.


A Cure classic, “Lullaby ” does not disappoint. It possesses a certain allure despite its disturbing nature, a morbid fascination that persuades listeners to sway in a blurred state of doom. “Lullaby” is outrageously groovy as it is terrifying, and its incredibly rich sound intrigues like no other. Smith’s unsettling vocals deserve dissection and appreciation, and the overall effect produced by his warped, hushed voice enriches the experience of “Lullaby”. All in all, this track belongs to my list of favorite Cure songs. I have endless appreciation for the impeccable lyrics and smooth yet jittery beat. Now I want a Disintegration record to play during chocolate cake eating sessions where I stare at an unfinished essay while blasting “Lullaby”—to cope, of course.

Track Seven: “Fascination Street”

Duration: 5:16

Initial Thoughts

What a masterpiece…”Fascination Street” steals the spotlight with its absolutely stellar body of sound. A grinding bass demands attention, driving the beat, and adamant electric guitars vie for priority. A simple but effective drum beat adds incredible flavor, as does Robert Smith’s bold vocals. This song ends too soon, taking its entrancing rhythms and sweet guitar voices with it. Although Smith’s vocals add a certain spice that characterizes the Cure, “Fascination Street”‘s instrumentals never fail to steal hearts.


“Fascination Street”

Oh, it’s opening time
Down on Fascination Street
So let’s cut the conversation
And get out for a bit
Because I feel it all fading
And paling and I’m begging
To drag you down with me
To kick the last nail in
Yeah, I like you in that
Like I like you to scream
But if you open your mouth
Then I can’t be responsible
For quite what goes in
Or to care what comes out
So just pull on your hair
Just pull on your pout
And let’s move to the beat
Like we know that it’s over
If you slip going under
Slip over my shoulder
So just pull on your face
Just pull on your feet
And let’s hit opening time
Down on Fascination Street

So pull on your hair
Pull on your pout
Cut the conversation
Just open your mouth
Pull on your face
Pull on your feet
And let’s hit opening time
Down on Fascination Street…
…On Fascination Street

Yet again, Disintegration‘s tone shifts. Robert Smith abandons the belittled terror of “Lullaby” to embrace something dramatic and a bit dec. Despite their vague read, the lyrics suggest a place of oblivious, carefree fun infatuated with all things frivolous and gaudy. Daring but laced with, perhaps, a regrettable edge, “Fascination Street” joins the Cure’s 1989 album boastfully—a successful hit.

I admire how Smith effortlessly incorporates his vocals into the sound. First and foremost, his lyrics exist flawlessly alongside the riveting pulse of the song, Smith’s words clarifying the drama foretold by guitarists and percussionists. Not only this but I admire the ease Smith has when matching his lyrics to the intensity of the instrumentals—it is honestly immaculate. The vocals and instrumental voices are one pitch, seamless in their separation.


I love the heavy bass that saturates the entire track and establishes a serious tone. High-strung guitars whine and dance in a mood set by the bass that leaves nothing untouched. “Fascination Street” exists as a dramatic experience dripping in excess; it is an ocean of complexity and disaster. I must say, out of all the tracks on Disintegration, this one provides the most infectious, dance-inspiring rhythms. A dance or bobbing head to “Fascination Street” is irresistible, and I love the bass and Smith’s vocals. I can not possibly express my adoration for the amazing pitch and tone. Often times, I listen to this track and slip into the sound, forgetting all of my obligations.

Track Eight: “Prayers for Rain”

Duration: 6:05

Initial Thoughts

Listen to this track with a sufficient sound system and a volume raised to one hundred! The introduction is mystifying, its tense climb building towards a sonic, reality-altering bass. The tempo is methodical, dark, assured. The beat is forlorn, caustic. Robert Smith’s lyrics add a touch of spite and clarity that enhances the backdrop of heavy, authoritative sound. All in all, “Prayers for Rain” is an intense, flavorful masterpiece that is very much aware. I highly respect the quality of this song, and it lives among my all-time Cure favorites as well. I can not get enough bass.


“Prayers For Rain”

You shatter me your grip on me a hold on me so dull it kills
You stifle me infectious sense of hopelessness and prayers for rain
I suffocate, I breathe in dirt and nowhere shines but desolate
And drab the hours all spent on killing time again all waiting for the rain

You fracture me your hands on me a touch so plain so stale it kills
You strangle me entangle me in hopelessness and prayers for rain
I deteriorate I live in dirt and nowhere glows but drearily and tired
And tired the hours all spent on killing time again all waiting for the rain

You fracture me your hands on me a touch so plain so stale it kills
You strangle me entangle me in hopelessness and prayers for rain
Prayers for rain…

Smith’s lyrics read as prose, loose and undefined—almost a stream of consciousness. Unlike in “Fascination Street”, Smith’s vocals separate from the instrumental voices; he intends for the lyrics to stand out. His words are restrained but reflective and full of feeling. As the lyrics are as vague as other Cure songs, I have only interpretations.

The narrator is involved in something quite unpleasant—tied to someone or something, a “you”—that they wish to escape. The detriment in question has an iron hold on the narrator, so much that the narrator prays for “rain”. After examining the lyrics, I infer that the narrator is experiencing a drought of sorts; rain is the relief. Smith also repeats the following words: dirt, stale, kills/killing. Smith also features feelings of suffocation as well as the dimming and deterioration of something. The narrator is broken, ripped inside and out, fractured, strangled. With strong, captivating language, Smith paints a desperate scene of realization. 


I greatly admire Robert Smith’s attention to the vocals. His words play as thoughts bubbling and bursting in a mind or an argument. With the added meaning of Smith’s beautifully sung lyrics—I love, love, love his voice—”Prayers for Rain” draws listeners into a contemplative mixture of soaring, sonic sound that resonates long after the six minutes conclude. The overall sound is incredibly rich and meditative, and I personally find myself absorbed into this grand world of immense, pessimistic feeling. “Prayers for Rain” exists, in my opinion, as one of the Cure’s most masterfully created songs. I thoroughly enjoy raising my headphones’ volume to a dangerous level and picking apart every minute, savory detail. I love this song! It has such a hypnotic sound.

Peace Out

See you all soon for part three! Only four songs remain…then I have other plans (dun dun dun). Have a good day and know that you are all loved and special. (:

All That I Am

Note: I wrote this spontaneously during a bout of insomnia spurred by an overactive mind: the night before, I had finished a life-changing piece of fiction that liberated me from previous writing fears. It is abstract, messy, and different from my usual blogs, but it is relevant in its early morning authenticity. (:

I feel so much—more than I want, more than I understand. But I am nothing but alive. I feel the breath in my lungs, the black of the night, the reality of failure. I feel the light rain on my skin like a scintilla of some feeling; I feel everything.

Whenever the walls creep in too close for comfort, I escape into sky. I spend hours outside searching for sanctuary: I walk in endless circles until my ankles bleed, listening to lame music and mulling over deadlines; I spend hours lying in the grass, unbothered by curious insects; I drink my coffee in rocking chairs and think of nothing but the moment and the hushing of pain. I feel safe here, wrapped within the limitless depth of the ever-changing sky. I feel the soft blue reflected deep within me; I feel the clouds swallowing all of my apathy. I chase the sunset every evening, as I feel whole when the dying sun eats me alive with all of its desperate color. In those moments, I am. I exist, and that is enough. The light warms my skin, and I am revered, restored. This is plenty.

Life hurts. In so many ways, it does, and it hurts for everyone. 

I attend one of the best high schools in Mississippi, and I love it. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed of (and deserve), and so many more months remain. I near the precipice of my true beginning, of my own unapologetic existence in this vast, horrifying world, and I do not fear the strife that awaits me. In my dorm, I have two drawers overflowing with snacks, and I now have the ability to play “Jump” by Van Halen on random keyboards. I have dreams and aspirations, and I am balancing my stress with creativity. I am surrounded by people I care about, and I want so much. I want to succeed; I want to awake each morning; I want to be alive.

But my sleeping schedule lies in anarchic ruin. Every minor grade is directly connected to the state of my future. Radical changes manifest in every aspect of my life. I have no stability. I have no certainty. I know nothing but deadlines and stress and the need to escape. I want out of my skin; I want to rid myself of every worry, every doubt. An incessant river of chaos rushes within me, and I feel it bubbling towards the surface of my control. I feel so lonely or so crowded at times. And I long for my junior year: I never wanted it to end, and time felt so infinite as I indulged in every moment of this new adventure at MSA.

But I am alive. 

There is something so powerful about resilience, about the will to adapt and overcome. And I feel this every time I submit an essay I panicked over, every time I close a hundred tabs. I feel this every time my head hits a pillow after midnight, every time someone smiles because of me. I am alive in this moment, and this is enough. The pain is necessary because it is a good pain—the kind that results from feeling too much and aching to accomplish more than humanly possible. It is trying.

Throughout the years, writing has served various purposes for me, but it has always existed as an escape. As I forget myself in my work, I feel the words escaping me, this year. I feel them growing more bold, more bare. Every piece is of desperation, for I am beginning to relinquish all that I have, all that I am, to the page. I am beginning to surrender to myself and my fear. I am escaping. I am no longer bound by the same insecurities. I am beyond myself and my fragile understanding; I am the words I speak. My fingers punch the keyboard, and I see myself for what I truly am: a living being. The stress evaporates, I slip into a comatose state, and I emerge hours later feeling not quite like before. This all sounds quite pretentious, but I am in love with slipping outside of my body and just being. I exist only as a writer in those moments (meanwhile, the piece is about tacos…HAH!).

You are more than your pain, your past. You are everything and more. You are indomitable. You are your own artist, your own home, your own breath. Fall in love with the little things, and you will feel full. Discover your own meaning, your own truth. Surrender. Trust in the strength of vulnerability. Learn to let your heart die, sometimes. Learn from everything that surrounds you, and you will understand. You will feel full.

The Art of Disintegration – Album Review for the Cure (pt. 1)


Is this? A blog post? I believe so, my friend.

It has been eons since I last posted any glorious content. And this is my first post as a senior! I am required to write a literary review of something once a month, but I hope to upload more regularly than that. Stay tuned! I am dying to inform you all of my quarantine.

The Art of Disintegration – Album Review for The Cure

Originally, I planned on reviewing a Michael Crichton book, but guess what? It is my first blog of the year! So I decided to review an entire album, dun dun dun.

If you are curious, I still listen to Tears for Fears. In fact, I am listening to their third album right now. By the way, I wrote a blog series about them my junior year, and the posts are still trending. What the heck? I honestly love it.

But newsflash: This may surprise you, but I listen to other music! 

The Cure? Huh?


(note 1: This is so informal, I know, but if you are curious about the source of an incorporated image, drag the image to a tab or simply click it, if that works.)

(note 2: I am referencing Wikipedia).

The Cure is an English band that formed in 1978—characterized by various, changing members and one constant: Robert Smith. Wikipedia classifies their music as gothic rock, post-punk, alternative rock, and new wave. I believe that they have about thirteen studio albums, all released not too far apart. In 2019, they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And despite The Cure producing anything but plastic, overly manufactured pop, the band has found quite a bit of success.

Disintegration: The Album in Question

  • Released: May 2, 1989
  • Alternative rock, gothic rock, post-punk, new wave, dark wave, dream pop, ethereal wave
  • Eighth studio album
  • Charting at no. 3 in the UK and no. 12 in the US, Disintegration lives as the highest selling Cure album to date. 
  • Included on Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the “500 Greatest Albums of All Time.”

Track One: “Plainsong”

Duration: 5:12

Initial Thoughts

What a proper intro! I have fallen in love with the soft bells interrupted by the truly extravagant, soaring synth sound (the synth is so awe-inspiring that I have tried learning the notes by ear on my own synthesizer). “Plainsong” is an ethereal, simply riveting opening to Disintegration, perfectly capturing the essence of the entire album and leaving listeners feeling quite grand. 


Characteristic of the Cure, this piece is predominantly instrumental (by that, I mean that the lyrics are not the focus by any means; the effect of the overall sound is spotlighted, a variety of instruments creating an entire universe of so much feeling). However, also characteristic of the Cure, the lyrics are definitely something to appreciate.

I think it’s dark and it looks like it’s rain, you said
And the wind is blowing like it’s the end of the world, you said
And it’s so cold, it’s like the cold if you were dead
And you smiled for a second
I think I’m old and I’m feeling pain, you said
And it’s all running out like it’s the end of the world, you said
And it’s so cold, it’s like the cold if you were dead
And you smiled for a second
Sometimes you make me feel
Like I’m living at the edge of the world
Like I’m living at the edge of the world
It’s just the way I smile, you said
Robert Smith’s lyrics are often incredibly vague and even abstract, but he is notorious for writing songs with brilliant lyrics. In fact, I admire the poetry of his words and view him as a sort of inspiration. I love abstract poetry meant to convey only feelings drawn up by interpretations. To me, it makes the piece so much more profound and meaningful to the reader. 
Although I can not confidently analyze any lyric from Robert Smith, I would love to offer my personal interpretation. (:
Listening to “Plainsong”, I have to realize that the lyrics perfectly match the sound. I love the place the music transports me: I am standing at a cliff’s edge under a sky filled with immense grey clouds. The wind is berating me, and all is grey and soggy and dark. But all is not necessarily dreary. This is a moment of feeling, of memory. This is a moment worth translating into the opening track of a superb album.
This piece fills me with a certain dread. It is about growing older and fearing you never leave an impact on the world. It is about a dreary landscape, both literal and metaphorical. It is about being on the verge of so much.
I love the flow of the lyrics and how it is a conversation. And the last stanza contains such a sincere sweetness. I love it. “Sometimes you make me feel like I’m living at the edge of the world,” and in response, “It’s just the way I smile, you said.” Despite never witnessing it, I feel this moment within me; it is bittersweet and so close to something vast and a bit terrifying—yet almost indescribable. 


“Plainsong” is one of my favorite tracks on this album! It is definitely captivating, and it creates such an ethereal moment in reality.

Track Two: “Pictures of You”

Duration: 7:24

Initial Thoughts

Oh my goodness. “Pictures of You” is one of the most famous Cure songs of all time…and it is nearly ten minutes long! But listening to it, the song’s appeal is evident. “Pictures of You” is truly a masterpiece, a rich blend of various instruments and guitar texture. I can not describe how perfect Smith’s vocals mix with the sound, and the overall effect is quite heavenly. There is so much subtle variety to this piece, and the end leaves listeners feeling breathless. Experiencing “Pictures of You” in an upbeat mood, this will make you dance or bob your head while feeling an upwelling of positive feeling. But when experiencing this song in a nostalgic state of longing or even mourning, “Pictures of You” will tear you apart in the most delicate way.


Unlike “Plainsong”, this piece contains quite a bit of lyrics, and the words are definitely deserving of attention. I contemplated only including excerpts, but the decision-making of which lines tore my heart in two.

“Pictures of You”

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering you running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go
Remembering you fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I’d thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I’d thought of the right words
I wouldn’t be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you
If I could summarize the emotions of this song into one statement, it would be, “if only.” This piece is packed full of so much feeling. It is nostalgic, but the kind of nostalgia that proves quite visceral. You can understand the love the narrator has, but loss of some sort is also apparent.
Yes, “Pictures of You” feels like a piece written about loss. Is it death? Time? Space? However, we know that only “pictures” remain. 
A few of my favorite lines:
“I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel.”
“…And screamed at the make-believe—screamed at the sky—and you finally found all your courage to let it all go.” 
“Open my eyes, but I never see anything.”
“There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart.”
All in all, I adore the lyrics in this. The meaning is more straightforward than other Cure songs, but it can be interpreted in so many different ways. Whether you spend the seven minutes dancing dramatically or sobbing freely, the lyrics remain unchanged. The effect is that powerful. And when Robert Smith sings the last stanza, this extraordinary feeling washes over you, a feeling nearly unknown. Smith’s voice is full of anguish, regret, and gratitude, breathing life into the stellar poetry that will live in your heart long after the song ends.


“Pictures of You” is truly a moving piece by the Cure, characterized by a vast blend of sound to sink into. It is reflection, reminiscence. It is loss and adoration. It is regret and gratitude. And it is all of the feelings of yesterday. I can not express my level of appreciation for this song…some days I skip past it because it is, well, popular and played constantly. But if you endure the seven minutes of reflection and overwhelming feeling, then you understand. It is an unbeatable Cure classic.

Track Three: “Closedown”

Duration: 4:16

Initial Thoughts

This song, to me, is reminiscent of “Plainsong”…but in an incredibly satisfying, necessary way. It is aware; it is afraid. Time is moving at an alarming rate, traveling at the speed of the heavily percussive intro. I love the drums being layered with the bass. And I love the random synth and guitar melodies. Such as with “Plainsong”, “Closedown” contains a limited amount of lyrics—Robert Smith’s vocals complimenting the instrumental details that subsist whole-heartedly in the spotlight. This piece is meditative, grand, and a balance between grating, heavy bass and light tones produced by synthesizers and rich guitar. 



I’m running out of time
I’m out of step and closing down
And never sleep for wanting hours
The empty hours of greed
And uselessly always the need to feel again
The real belief of something more than mockery
If only I could fill my heart with love

Despite their brief simplicity, I have respect for “Closedown”‘s lyrics. The words flow so naturally, and the pace conveys the urgency of Smith’s message. And so much is packed within this one stanza.

I interpret “Closedown” as nearing the end of something monumental. The seconds are flying by, and you are left comprehending how this impacts you. It is about growing older and slipping into routine, and it is about envy. I adore the line, “If only I can fill my heart with love,” and I can clearly feel the trance-like mix of fear and awe this piece carries. The lyrics are startlingly aware yet…stuck.


“Closedown” is definitely something to listen to while hastily meeting deadlines at the last second. And, on a more serious note, it is a song worth playing when you feel too old or beyond the present, a song for days spent in worry and longing as the end is felt before it is seen. Grounded by heavy bass and drums that echo in your heart, “Closedown” effortlessly communicates the dread and awe of the change that arrives with inevitably.

Track Four: “Lovesong”

Duration: 3:29

Initial Thoughts

Layer heaven! The soft, meditative lull of an organ-like sound carries guitar cracks and lilting melodies, a lovely bass beat, and upbeat drums. Robert Smith’s voice, full of adoration, elevates the incredible mix of sound to the next level. And random trills and variations to the hypnotic beat create a never-ending intrigue. The overall effect of every musical voice is utterly astounding. Another Cure classic, “Lovesong” refines the recipe of a traditional love song to something so savory and fresh, you lose yourself in a world of sincerity.



Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Fly me to the moon
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
“Lovesong” is outrageously perfect in its simplicity. There is no need for extravagant moments of jaw-dropping, literary prowess, as every little moment speaks for itself. 
Robert Smith effectively uses repetition to allow the sound to carry his words and amplify his message. The lyrics are not a separate body; every voice in “Lovesong” combines to communicate the song’s overall intention. I have no choice but to admire this trusting creative process that, in turn, influences the piece in the most perfect way.
A Few of My Favorite Lines
  • “Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.”
    • There is something so impactful about “home.”
  • “Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again.”
  • “Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again.”
    • This contrasts one significant element of “Plainsong” and “Closedown”! The muse of Smith’s writing, his wife, challenges his ceaseless worrying of time.
  • “Fly me to the moon.”
    • This is spontaneous yet so organic and real.

I love Smith’s voice throughout every moment of this piece! “However far away…,” finds its way into the spotlight, and the song benefits from its repetitive, rich effect. The Cure is not a stranger to love songs—two examples of other pieces being “Halo” and “This Twilight Garden”—but “Lovesong” exists as an incredibly bare yet impressive piece that boasts nothing but sincerity. 

“Lovesong” lifts listeners in preparation for what lies on the horizon of Disintegration—a bit of respite in the darkness of time and space.


Not a fan of love songs? Give this one a try. It is not delusional or for show, and it is characterized by a medley of unique tones and voices. Honestly, despite “Lovesong”‘s popularity, it is quite hypnotic. I have attempted to translate it into purely synth music, and let me tell you…playing the ba dum duh duh duh duh duuuh duuh on keyboard is so satisfying it should be unattainable.

Track Five: “Last Dance” 

Duration: 4:42

Initial Thoughts

This piece sticks out to me—an unusual contrast to the swirl of similar feelings before. “Last Dance” is somber, yes, but in a way that is polished and contained; no bleeding emotions saturate the sound. This song is a step away from the contemplation of before, and the tone of the album begins to darken. Although “Last Dance” feels miles away from “Lovesong”, it still focuses on time and some associated negative feelings.


(note: For the sake of brevity, some lines have been omitted; they are marked with ellipses.)

“Last Dance”

I’m so glad you came
I’m so glad you remembered
To see how we’re ending our last dance together
Expectant too punctual but
Prettier than ever
I really believed that this time it’s forever
But older than me now more constant more real…
…I’m so glad you came
I’m so glad you remembered
The walking through walls in the heart of December
The blindness of happiness
Of falling down laughing
And I really believed that this time was forever
But Christmas falls late now flatter and colder
And never as bright as when we used to fall
All this in an instant before I can kiss you
A woman now standing were once there was only a girl…
…Reluctantly cautiously but
Prettier than ever I really believed
That this time it’s forever
But Christmas falls late now, flatter and colder
And never as bright as when we used to fall
And even if we drink I don’t think we would kiss
In the way that we did when the woman was only a girl
“Last Dance” is a separation from the adoring simplicity of “Lovesong”; it is more austere, and that is conveyed by eloquent wording and an overall succinct sound.
A hint of either sarcasm or absurd wonder can be detected, as Smith sings, “I’m so glad…to see how we’re ending our last dance together.” By examining the lyrics and Smith’s use of, “a woman now standing where once there was only a girl”, I can infer that the subject of the song, perhaps, was once an old muse, and a great deal of time has passed since the narrator last encountered her.  
Throughout the piece, Robert Smith is processing the events unfolding before him while reflecting on the path. The month of December holds significance, and Smith realizes that the current Decembers are not quite like before.
In general, I found the lyrics fairly intriguing—especially their tone. One of my favorite lines is, “the blindness of happiness.” 


I appreciate the sound of “Last Dance”; it fits the mood of the lyrics and adds a greater effect to Smith’s vocals. I love the crying electric guitar and the melodic foundational beats of drums, bass, and synth. Although “Last Dance” is not among my all-time favorite Cure songs, I respect the details which make this piece extraordinary: the blend of intense rhythms that combine into one flowing, unstoppable river, Robert’s versatility in songwriting, and the way Smith emphasizes the pronunciation of each word—this adds to the austerity! Love.

End of Part One

As my blog has surpassed three thousand words, I will need at least a part two. My apologies! Stay tuned for the remaining seven songs! Peace. (:

This Year Was…

Well, this is officially my last post of the year.

It has been quite a journey, has it not? I had a lot of hope for 2020, but a micro-terror had other plans. But on the bright side, I have learned a lot, and now I have time to catch up on projects.

My first blog post was titled “This Year Is…”, so I felt compelled to bring this year to a full circle. Feel free to read that ancient post to see how much I have grown. (:

I typed a poem created as black out poetry. It was made on the first day of school, and I found it quite ironic:

“This year





some creative role.



now on display.”

If you are unfamiliar with black out poetry, you basically take a permanent marker to a page full of words, select a few that stand out, and mark out everything else. And mine somehow predicted my year on the first day of school? (objectively, of course).

“This year is depicting feeling and some creative role.” 

I started this year feeling so out of place. How could I live among so many creative individuals? How could I possibly write anything I was willing to share? How could I exist in an environment filled with so much talent? I processed everything too narrowly and relied on strategy to carry me into every tomorrow. But I had been this way for quite some time. I spent so many days erasing every written word and staring into books in crowded cafeterias. I spent so many days feeling swept away in a sea of people, having nowhere to go. I wanted to write. I wanted to create. But how could I ever write something I felt proud of enough to share?

This year, I threw everything from the past few years out of a window. Good-bye, being afraid to share writing. Peace out, grey. Adiós, taking a book to lunch.

This year was the happiest I have felt in awhile. I stopped relying on logic so much and allowed my creativity to flourish. I grew so much, and I needed it. And I no longer feel like I am smothering.

“Existing is now on display.”

This is kind of a peculiar piece of the poem, but I feel like it holds a lot of wisdom. You are connected to so many people. You influence the earth in some way. And what does your art say about you? What do you display?


I applied and auditioned for MSA without much expectation. I only wanted to grow as a writer and survive two years of living in a dorm surrounded by people. I did not care if I sat alone during meals, and I could not care less about making friends.


 I spent the first week afraid to leave my dorm room and mystified by the assumed enormity of the campus. And somewhere between panicking over classroom locations and speaking only to my roommate, I started to feel lonely. I watched the seniors hug their teachers and converse with one another with ease. And I felt discouraged by all of the surrounding possibilities. I had so many questions, and I often entertained the idea of being home.


The beginning of the year had so many pleasant surprises, however, and I miss the newness of everything. I spent my breaks eating oranges beneath massive oak trees. And I loved discovering the abundance of clubs and opportunities. Candlelight dinner, also, was such an experience. I did not expect it to be such a significant event, and I hope I can experience it as a senior because…cheesecake and candles, obviously.


With the end of August, positive change arrived. I remember my first coffee house. The lights were dimmed, and coffee in Styrofoam cups accompanied cookies. Everyone clapped for one another, and I remember being amazed by the poetry of my peers. People sang and played instruments as well, and I remember feeling so glad to be a literary student at MSA. There is something special about coffee house, something special about the way people laugh and cry and celebrate art. I realized the importance of having a community.


September had a lot in store for me. I began to truly appreciate my discipline and looked forward to our classes together. We all had a chosen computer in the literary lab, and I miss mine. Sometimes I had more inspiration in class than anywhere else, and that has never happened before. I miss changing my desktop’s wallpaper and drinking coffee out of a Stitch mug and sinking into leather rolly chairs. The literary lab is such a comfortable, creative environment, and I miss the laughs or the days we all silently typed at our stations. I miss workshop and doodling on each others’ papers, and I miss leaving a workshop and feeling as if I had awoken from a dream. I miss laughing at comedic plays and reading all of the amazing, beautiful pieces of the people I have learned to appreciate and trust with my writing. I miss the dimmed lights and jazz music. And I miss our assumed seats at the table. I always loved seeing everyone in the morning or after lunch, whenever we had class.


I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to learn at MSA; only 3/4 of a year taught me so much. I thought I would grow to despise writing, but I love it even more. I have direction, and I am learning to develop my voice. I have accomplished more than I thought was possible at my level, and I want to further pursue writing in the future (with more seriousness). I went from filling up one journal with poor poetry to lugging around at least seven.



Sometimes I can only say thank you. I would have preferred a final day and a good-bye, but how could this be the end? Time is a river flowing nonstop and in a direction we are blind to, but we gain more memories from the journey than from the destination. Thank you for the spider lilies in the fall and the continuous jazz hands. Thank you for surprising me with more than I could ever imagine. I filled so many notebooks with yellow words and smiley faces, and I saw a myriad of color.



I will miss living on the sixth floor. I never quite grew accustomed to the stairs, but I have sprinted down six flights so many times that I deserve some kind of award—(with a fifty-pound backpack?) that takes talent. I miss waiting years for the elevator, especially on mandatory go-home weekends—which are hilariously painful—when I would eventually give up and drag my luggage down the stairs.


I will miss procrastinating essays and mopping the hallway while listening to Tears for Fears. I will miss randomly receiving hugs, gifts, and tacos. And I will miss the random knocks at my door and the coffee conversations. I appreciate it all, thank you. I loved waking up tired but ready to start a new day. I loved seeing everyone’s faces, and I always looked forward to it. I appreciated all of my teachers, and I had the most fun at a school than ever before (despite the stress).



I will miss hoarding salt packets and commenting on the nature of cafeteria food. I miss their potato soup. ): And I miss picking gingko leaves and dandelions, sharing songs, and laughing at absurd pieces. I will miss eating oranges outside and staring up into the limbs of impressively tall trees. I will miss lying on the sidewalk and sitting in rocking chairs and walking in the rain. I will miss watching clouds and running in the wind and playing a broken flute, and I will miss blogging every week.


Why am I typing this like an obituary? Well, anyway, I miss fries and the occasional iced coffee. I miss complaining about short weekends and then sometimes spending them thinking about school. I miss staying up late working on assignments and unpacking my bag Sunday night. I miss complaining about homework and eating rapidly melting ice cream and walking for hours. And I miss the dashes to class and the pink sunrises and the way my keys clattered against my badge.


I have learned how to write proper poetry I am (somewhat?) proud of. I have discovered that I love creating moments of dialogue. I have learned that I prefer short fiction over poetry, and I have discovered that plays are worth further exploring. I have so, so much more to grow as a writer, but now I have some direction. I have learned so much, and, most importantly, I have remembered how much writing means to me.



I moved out of my dorm room about a week ago. A weight of sorts had grown within my chest like a tumor, but it disappeared that day. It is so bizarre to see familiar faces obscured by sterile masks. It is so bizarre to see your room after a month, March still frozen on your calendar. It is so bizarre to see the place you have lived in emptied for the first time since August. But I saw MSA in the spring, and I am grateful for the hope and sense of relief that day provided me. Needless to say, I am ready for next year.



You never know when life will tip sideways and shift everything into disarray. You never know when your last day will be. Why should you not take graduation or the last nine weeks of school for granted? I can only say that I have appreciated my junior year, and I have enjoyed all of the luxuries of normal life (fries…sigh…). I remember my last day, my last week, and I do not regret it. Thank you, everyone who gave me reason to miss a school in Brookhaven.



So, in conclusion, I have enjoyed my year quite a bit. I started out full of questions and doubt, but now I want to truly sink myself into existence. It has been nearly two months since my last school day on campus, and I only hope that I can return in August. Agh, I am so ready for next year. To be completely honest, I am afraid of the incoming students. And I dread certain senior obligations. But I look forward to more days in the literary lab and beneath the cafeteria’s colorful ceiling tiles.


I had so many more blog ideas, so I might carry them into next year. I mean, who else will educate you all about certain pressing matters? I hope I have a synthesizer by then…and some fries…and maybe a milkshake. I would very much like to pick more gingko leaves, also, and see people in person (for the first time in at least five months, ow). But for now I love listening to music nonstop and going on daily walks. I love being able to watch television again, and I have eaten so many chips.


I have learned a lot. For instance, eating outside instead of a crowded cafeteria is a lot more peaceful (that is, until you end up chasing your napkins and swatting away mosquitoes). I have met people that I will hold onto as long as I can, people that I will appreciate for the rest of my life in some way. I have loved meeting the people at MSA so much, and they are one in a million. They are the kind of people that want to understand the world and feel deeply. They are the kind of people that want to make a difference, and I am always amazed by their awareness and want to succeed in life. They are of substance and color and resilience, and I have loved spending hours of my free time with some of them in particular. I have grown in their community, and I have loved giving and receiving in such a foreign place (now it feels so familiar). For some of us, this is the end of living in one central location. And for the rest of us, our time is winding down. But we will each carry a piece of one another into the future, and we will remember all of the days spent together. This is not the end, only the beginning of what is to come. So, good luck, and I hope next year means something more after all of this minor yet heavy loss. Existence is “now on display”, so why not exist greatly and with purpose? (;

Thank you, everyone, for the memories and the laughter. I wish I could type more, but I must face reality: I type a book each blog post. I will keep most of my memories and appreciation to myself. Anyway, stay safe and keep trying; I believe in all of you. I hope to be back next year with more explosive content (haha), so let us hope. Until then, stay groovy and addicted to writing lasagna poems or whatever brings you happiness. Dang, I wish I did not have to go. There is so much I want to say, nooooo….

Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Water is (not) wet.

Peace out.

No, wait, I want to say something super important. Before I go for…10,000 years…I wanted to say that I—

April (In a Few Words)

Hey, guys. I hope quarantine has been groovy for all of you. (:

(except the people throwing parties everyday…yeah, you know who you are; I hope your fries have too much salt)

Well, it looks like I am typing my second-to-last blog as a junior. For awhile, I debated about typing something intriguinglike an examination of the secrets of the universe—but I decided to stick with my good ol’ monthly series (my last one…probably forever…). Besides, you can not handle the vast expanse of knowledge that I have gathered from my travels through the star systems, I—have been watching too much Star Wars apparently. 

I have typed so many regretful blogs in which I have ranted. Dear committed readers who have traveled through my excessive explosion of words, I pity you. I pity you because you probably know all about my love for new wave music, tacos, and synthesizers. I pity you because you probably know more about Tears for Fears than the average individual (they are releasing a new album probably next year, so run for your lives before I type another review). I pity you because I have subjected you all to my humor, my words, my existence. My blogs are adventures that few survive, but I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Because, past all of the random typos and slightly pompous (and idiotic) phrasing, this is who I am.

(This is my second attempt at writing this blog post…sigh.)

So, school was practically cancelled. I usually anticipate the worst, but hearing the news made me realize how much hope I had.

I am so sick of seeing houses with twenty cars parked nearby, inflatable bouncy castles, and convoys of speeding cars driven by teenagers. Hm, I wonder why the number of cases will not drop?

I feel like we are in the midst of summer…only with virtual learning, stress, and apathy. Time and time again, life proves itself to be a roller coaster of events and emotions. On one hand, you can seize the opportunity to make use of your time and plan for the future. But on the other hand, why? When will this end? What is the point of planning ahead when an impossible number of days exist between now and tomorrow?

Some days, I could not care less. I love all of this extra time. And when online work ceases to exist, I will have time to approach long-awaited projects. But some days I wake up bitter and annoyed. I want to do nothing. I immerse myself in anything but reality, or I dwell on the bottomless amount of negatives. The workload, although minimal, feels impossible. And I count the days despite not having anything to count down to.

What is the point of anything? Pessimism arrives without fail, day after day. I read my old blogs and hate them. I read anything I have written…hate it. And then I think of my laughable attempts to stay optimistic and help people. What is the point of optimism and humor if it does nothing? What is the point of moving forward if you only run in place? I hate constantly finding myself captured in in-between places.

But guess what?

Running in place is not a useless exercise. Anything counts. Tomorrow does exist, and what is the point of tomorrow if you ignore today?

I wake up in the morning and think of everything I have lost and all that is uncertain. But seriously? Does it matter? Yes, it does, but is quarantine that horrible? I used to wake up in a rush, and I drank the majority of my coffee in a crowded elevator. But now I savor it. And everyday I have coffee, and everyday my mom pours me a cup. She does this without me having to ask…everyday.

Sometimes I allow the fog of pessimism to absorb my attention, shrouding everything with a grey tint. But the sun has continued to set, streaking the sky with pink and purple. I love sunsets beyond belief; they fill my heart with something indescribable. Sometimes I want to lie in a patch of clovers and watch the pink clouds crawl across the sky, watching as the world slips into a purple pool of fading light. Sometimes the sky seems so immense, so appealing. I wish I could sink into it.

I am sick of hearing about the “new normal”. I am sick of fear and uncertainty and disappointment. I am sick of holding onto what used to be; I want to let go, let my mind breathe.

Allow yourself time to settle. Get sick of daydreams or loudly cry into your journal. But you need to wake up; do not spend this multitude of “todays” asleep in life. But then you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the days you grieved over stale chicken sandwiches, for all of the days you stared at your ceiling for hours and ignored those you should have thanked. Forgive yourself for all of what you took for granted. Forgive yourself for not saying good-bye.

I have spent so many days asleep in life, lately. I have lived only halfway; I have wanted to live halfway. But why? Some of it is justified, I will say, but come on…

Yes, this—to state it plainly—sucks. I am introvert who dislikes large social gatherings, but even I think this sucks. 

But you must move forward. Let go, please. You are only hurting yourself. Stop counting the days. Stop wishing. And stop pretending that everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

I was forced to learn a lot this month. I spent many hours staring at my computer and plowing through homework, less stressed but lacking motivation. I listened to music ninety percent of every day (which will not change), and I clung to useless fragments of a past routine. But I learned to persevere even on the days I felt overwhelmingly grey and empty. I learned (and am still learning) to be patient with my surroundings and appreciate the privileges I once had (*an empty dorm room*).

All in all, I have felt unnecessarily irritated, bitter, and apathetic. I have listened to The Cure at a loud volume (but I do that anyway, hah), and I have hid in my room like a hermit detesting much interaction. But I have realized the benefits of such an extraordinary (extra ordinary) occurrence, and I am learning to have patience and greater appreciation. I am learning to resist over-dramatic reactions (school being cancelled does not warrant a hundred journal entries of complaints). Anyway, I have had to learn a lot. And although it sucks to have the end of this school year ripped away, I still have my senior year (cue the confused panic).

I am about to empty out my dorm room, so hopefully that should establish a sense of finality in my mind. Because, for some reason, I feel that I will wake up in my room on the sixth floor and see my fantastic suitemate next door before we run to class. I feel that I will take the elevator with my seniors and see them in class. But I am about to be the senior. I already had my last day as a junior on campus, and I can do nothing to change that. I can do nothing to change the fact that everything will be different.

So, after all of this rambling, what is my message?

Well, when online work ends, I am about to wreak havoc. Flower pots need painting, music discoveries need to be made, and synthesizer riffs need attention.

Oh, wait, the message, yes…enough about me.

Stop hating everything. Wake up, please. Let go of what is holding you back, even if it is temporary. Explore today and have hope. Indulge in dreams and wishes for the future, but do not detach yourself from reality. Get out of your head; do not sink into a convoluted headspace. Take care of yourself, and extend your attention to the well-being of others. In-between places will drag you into an inescapable abyss if you possess the wrong mindset. You need to escape your worries, your uncertainty, and you must take control of the present. What can you do for yourself right now? What can you do now that will positively affect your future? How can you help those around you? Never give up.

There are times when I despise everything I create, everything I have influenced. There are times when I read old blogs and cringe because I am an absolute laughingstock. And there are times when I would rather isolate myself completely than confront obligations and disappoint everyone.

But the sun rises; the sun sets. The moon, although often out of sight, always brightens the darkest of skies. Dandelions grow between the cracks in the asphalt, resilient as ever. Your lungs take in oxygen without much conscious thought (you are now aware of your breathing…haha). Do whatever makes you happy, even if it is ranting about new wave music to exasperated listeners. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds and dream of impossible things like stepping into the sky and falling into a world of color. You influence the earth in so many ways; you are connected to so many other individuals.

Therefore, in conclusion, I have one last question: Who are you in spite of all of this?

Thank you.

Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Monstera deliciosa (Swiss cheese plant):

Monstera Deliciosa Care — House Plant Hobbyist

This is one of my favorite plants. I love the leaves and the name. Perhaps it translates to “delicious monster”?

Until next time. (: