the end, so far

it’s that time of year. for some reason– in this exact moment– it doesn’t feel like it’s time yet. i mean, a part of me still feels like a junior right now, daydreaming about my final goodbye. but i’m not. i’m a senior. and this is it. this is that final goodbye.

it feels soon. don’t get me wrong, i’m ready to leave. if i’m anything, it’s that. but something just feels weird about it. this doesn’t really feel like the end right now. and while in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t, in my small little life right now, it is. i think im ready. i have no choice but to be.

a part of me still feels like that 16 year old who came to this school with no idea what i really wanted to do with my life. i knew i was good at writing, and i knew i loved music, but that was really it. i had no idea that year i would be meeting some of the most important people i’d ever meet in my entire life. and i’m happy to say that now, a year later, those people are still in my life. i would not be the person i am today without them. and even though i’ve been apart from them for the past year, i don’t feel any less amount of love for them. 

on the other end, a part of me feels like i’ve already graduated. like i’ve been in college for the past year and i’ve fully accepted the fact that i’m on my own. and that i’ve been acting like i’m on my own. i don’t know which daydream is closer to reality.

nevertheless, the present is real, and the present is nothing more than dwindling weeks leading to graduation. my best guess is i’ll be here for maybe two more weeks. i’m hoping to move out as soon as i can, because like i said, i’m ready to leave, even if it hasn’t really felt like two years yet. 

i always thought that the seniors that graduate truly knew this place. but i feel as though i know nothing about this place. i know how it’s made me feel, and i know what’s happened to me here, but i don’t really know this place like i thought i would. i don’t think anyone does. i think we all leave this place with a vague idea of what it was actually like. as if the brain is hiding all the in-between moments experienced here. or maybe it’s just me. 

i always thought my last post here would be grand and sentimental, but it isn’t. i’m writing this the day of it being due. i’m writing my thoughts as they come to me. in all honestly, i’m more focused on planning out the rest of my day. as if this isn’t a big moment. as if this isn’t one of the final thoughts of a set routine i’ve built over the past two years. it’s bittersweet– but as if the sweet side is unbearably sweet. and the bitter side is overwhelmingly bitter. everything is too much. but it’s memorable, nevertheless. the strict clash of good and bad is memorable. 

i don’t want to make this too long. or sentimental. i’m just another person passing through the grip of this school. another author lined up in the search bar. i plan to get a degree in journalism and creative writing. i want to be a writer. and i want to be a musician. and this is the final note typed by my hands on this keyboard that is not really mine but has my dna lodged into its keys. the last time i’ll press publish. this is it. the end, so far.

for the last time, thank you for reading, and i’ll see you somewhere along the line. peace out.

a mixed bag of life-changing media for when you’re sad

i don’t know if it’s the second semester of senior year hitting me, or if i genuinely need to go see a psychiatrist, because it’s getting rough. like, unimaginably rough. i can barely get out of bed. even after class, i sleep the entire day and then take melatonin so i can sleep more at night. i’ve been in this phase for a while now. the stress of this school is really starting to way down on me. when i get this way, i usually turn towards media. despite what you may think, i don’t reach out for happy media. rather, i consume media that is absolutely gut-wrenching. for some reason, it’s the only thing i can take when i’m like this. so, i thought i’d share some of my favorite gut-wrenchingly beautiful media. you don’t have to be in emotional distress to consume this stuff, but it helps.

lift your skinny fists like antennas to heaven – an album by godspeed you! black emperor

as im writing this, this is the album i’m listening to (that’s how bad it is rn). this album really changed my life. the circumstances around me hearing it for the first time is sort of a sore subject now, but we’ll dance around it so i can explain the context of this album within my life. it’s a 1 hour and 27 minute album with only four songs: storm, static, sleep, and like antennas to heaven… the album is completely instrumental, with the only voices coming in the form of samples and short dialogue. no singing whatsoever. despite this, this album makes me feel more than any other out there. i could not recommend this album more. especially if you’re listening to it alone in the dark, eyes wide open and staring at the visual deformities in your eye. the vivid scenes i see in my head from this album are terrifying, and resemble the likes of the great artist Zdzislaw Beksinski. speaking of him, he’s also included in this list. 

works by zdzislaw beksinski

the works by zdzislaw beksinski give me a feeling of absolute tragedy and dread like no other. i’m in love with them. i’ve always been a fan of surrealism, and beksinski pairs surrealism with a dystopian future and it is the perfect mix of absolute inexplicable dread. there are scenes of great walls with bodies strung from the top made out of bones thin as wire. great black birds with bellies full of blood fly above giant cathedrals made of the dead. faces are wrapped in layers of gauze and bodies crawl on all fours away from a burning fire. this is a nightmare world. beksinski creates this sense of horror and dread by making everything that is unimaginable and terrifying giant, and making us so so small. the album i previously mentioned can be best described as the soundtrack for this dystopian nightmare world. it’s a world i find myself lost in all the time. i don’t know how to describe it, but it’s everything i believe beauty and horror is. 

the end of evangelion 

if you’ve ever watched neon genesis evangelion, then you know that is has a rather optimistic ending. if you don’t know about the ending to the show, read my blog about it here for context. basically, in the movie the end of evangelion, we see a more terrifying and unfulfilling ending. shinji rejects himself, and he succumbs to his darker parts. in turn, the world around him crumbles and falls as the third impact takes place. shinji rejects instrumentality. decomposing entities and blood oceans can be seen throughout the ending scenes. what was supposed to be a new existence of endless companionship and the end of depression and loneliness is now ultimately hollow and worthless. shinji stands on the shore and looks at the emptiness, mirroring himself. this movie practically threw out the optimistic ending of the show that brought me to tears, and took the show down a route that left me feeling as empty as the world i was watching. this movie is beautiful, but almost hard to watch. i couldn’t recommend it more. 

six feet under

six feet under is a television show that follows the life of a family that owns a funeral home. every single episode starts with a death. the first episode, the death of the family’s father. the final episode, the death of the family. everything in-between is various deaths of unknown strangers. yet, we find ourselves getting to know those strangers through the actions of the main family. this show basically deals with death. all kinds of death. there is not a single episode of this show that doesn’t have some kind of death in it. this show left such an impact on me because of the way it ended. it is said to have one of the best endings in all of television. i think this is true. you watch these characters change and grow and in the end you watch every single one of them die. as a teenager with a suffocating fear of death, the ending broke me completely. i couldn’t take it. this show takes a very long time to finish, so i only recommend it when you truly feel like you’re at rock bottom, and you won’t be getting out anytime soon.

bojack horseman

this is an obvious one. bojack horseman is a show that follows the life of former tv star bojack horseman as he navigates his personal grievances and mental issues. there are so many different characters in this show that i feel like represent a different part of me. the empty longing and cycle of suffering of diane. the self sabotage of bojack. the unfulfilling life of princess carolyn. there is so many things i could say about each character, but as a whole, this show is 100% life changing. not sure if it’s in a good way or not. but if you haven’t seen it, then it’s a must watch. the ending isn’t satisfying– not at all. and that’s because it’s real. this show doesn’t bullshit you. it doesn’t try to convince you that any of these characters are redeemable, or that they’ll get their final closure. because that’s not how life works. this show puts the ugly on show. it shows you the real grit of life. and that’s why it always hurts so much to watch. but i love it. 

cry of fear

cry of fear is a video game that i hold very close to my heart. i’ve played it over 5 times now, and it’s a game i turn to often. it’s older and flawed, but is universally an agreed masterpiece. the game follows 19 year old simon after he gets into an accident. when he wakes up after the accident, he is alone in a world full of terrifying entities. as he navigates this world, all other signs of life get slim and slimmer. the girl he loves dies in front of him. he chases after a crazy doctor only to fall behind over and over again. he goes through these nightmare episode worlds that are surreal and terrifying. and he all wants to do is go home. when he finally reaches home, he realizes no one is home. and as he turns around, he is met with himself. there are many different endings to this game, and each reveals a new secret about the story. the real underlying truth about the storyline is that simon is immediately paralyzed from the waist down after the accident. he is brought to the hospital and told by his doctor to write a book to help him deal with the depression and depressing thoughts made prevalent by the accident. when simon wakes up alone in the game, that is where the book starts. the book ends when simon decides the fate of his own life. there are no happy endings to this game. in each one, death lingers and takes the lives of someone close to simon. in most, simon is that person. the game itself is terrifying and one of the most life-changing video games you can play for free.

so yeah, that’s all i have for today. i have plenty of life-changing media that i could share, but these are the things i reach for when life gets pretty hard, as it is. if you decide to look into any of them, i hope they comfort you like me. that’s all from me. peace out.

“dramamine” by modest mouse: an analysis

“dramamine” is a song by modest mouse that means a great deal to me. it’s one of those songs you don’t listen to often because of how beautiful and impactful it is. i just can’t. i can only listen when i’m ready and when it is needed. the song is praised by many, even finding its way into the car seat headrest song “the ending of dramamine” (with the lyric ‘the ending of dramamine scared david’). anyways, i really love this song & i thought i’d write about what the lyrics mean to me. i’m fully aware this may not be the “correct” meaning, but it’s my meaning– and that is more important in the end. this is what dramamine is to me.

“traveling, swallowing dramamine. feeling spaced, breathing out listerine.”

to start, dramamine is a medication that is used to treat nausea. listerine is a mouth wash. got it? good, let’s keep going. on the surface level, it is evident that our speaker is using dramamine to lessen the uncomfortable side effect of nausea. rather than working through it, he decides to muffle it. keep that idea in your head, it’ll be important later on. 

“i’d said what i’d said and i’ll tell ya, that you killed the better part of me. if you could just milk it for everything, i’ve said what i’ve said and you know what i mean, but i still can’t focus on anything.”

the speaker of this song has an evident grudge against the partner he is speaking to. the relationship they shared left him smaller than he was before. in their arguments, things are being used against the speaker over and over again. their relationship and arguments have left him broken and depressed. he cannot focus on anything after his partner and him have separated.

“we kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.”

this. this is my favorite lyric from the entire song. it is so powerful with such a small amount of words used. in their relationship, they shared intimacy and committed to all the easy things in life, but did not want to commit to the harder things. they still cough down their sleeves– they don’t want to share the serious parts of a relationship. they are cowards in their own romance. …instead of working through the nausea of their connection, they down dramamine.

“traveling, swallowing dramamine. look at your face like you’re killed in a dream. and you think you’ve figured out everything. i think i know my geography pretty damn well.”

his partner thinks they have everything figured out, but they don’t. these things they argue about are written on the speaker– he knows what is right and he knows what his wrong. his partner is arguing against something he KNOWS, most likely driving them either further apart during their arguments.

 “you say what you need so you’ll get more. if you could just milk it for everything. i’ve said what i said, and you know what i mean, but i can’t still focus on anything.”

his partner will use anything against him to win these fights, but deep down they know they’re wrong. no one is going to win here, and nothing is going to be fixed. their relationship is fundamentally flawed. they have to take dramamine to get through the ride.

so yeah! good song. listen to it if you want. that’s all for this month. bye.

emo regression and recent obsessions

hello, blog. i forget u exist sometimes. i have a literary analysis of a song i like that’s been in the works since november but my focus isn’t good enough to finish that right now…. so i’m basically just going to infodump everything about my life within the past month on you. hope u enjoy that. 

sudden emo regression: i’m 13 again

i would be lying if i said i wasn’t exactly sure how it happened. since you guys never knew me in middle school, let me describe my past self to you. EMO. i was SO EMO. that probably gives you context to why i am the way i am now– im literally an evolved 2015 emo. i used to be obsessed with the “emo trinity” (my chemical romance, fall out boy, panic! at the disco). my chem was always my favorite, but i was also a pretty big panic! fan (i even saw them live in 2019 before all hell broke loose and brendon spiraled into the worst person possible). i never was too big of a fall out boy fan. i had a couple shirts and a poster (and actually so much more than that. idk why, i always liked them the least of the three) but i never really listened to them as much as my chem or panic!. well, it’s been forever since i listened to the emo music i loved as a kid. that was until i saw that the previous my digital escape member johnnie guilbert was trending on tiktok. when i was in middle school, my digital escape & our world away was two of my favorite channels to watch, along with dan & phil and crankthatfrank (so basically all emo youtubers). i thought “oh, okay. that’s cool. i haven’t seen johnnie in a while, i wonder what he’s up to now” with no knowledge that going back and watching his videos would send be straight back to my emo phase. he wasn’t the only factor in this, as i also started slowing inching towards my ryan ross phase around this time too. those two things combined and what i believe to be me attempting to relive my middle school memories before i graduate sent me straight towards an obsession with all the bands i used to love… except, some things have changed. i’ve been listening to WAY more fall out boy than i used to, and all the panic! i listen to is now pre-split or anything written by ryan ross. my chem is the only band out of the three that i haven’t gotten obsessed with again, which is insane considering it was always my fave out of the three. i’ve also gotten OBSESSED with kellin quinn & sleeping with sirens… same thing with pierce the veil. i listened to a couple of their songs when i was younger, but i’ve gone all in now. i’m absolutely in love with all of their songs combined. also, not really emo, but i’m sort of having a Tool phase too. i’ve been absolutely drowning in music and old favorite frontmen for the past month. 

final college decisions & letting go of my ego

i’ve made my final decisions & it took tons of self-reflection and deciding what was best for me. i felt like i’ve been seen as the really smart kid my entire life, and if i didn’t go to some impressive college then everyone would be disappointed in me. well, i don’t care anymore. i’m not going into debt for the first two years of my college life when i can easily go completely for free & live back at home (i’m tired of sharing things with people). i’ve decided i’m going to go to holmes community college in ridgeland and commute from my home every day. i’m also going to get a job and work at the same time so i can have some money saved up for when i transfer, because that is most likely when i’ll be moving out of home. i’m working on getting my license right now and looking at possible jobs. coming to this college conclusion has completely taken away my anxieties about college and has made me excited to go. i’m so easy to please that the idea of just getting to listen to music on the way to class in my own car makes me happy. 

so many concerts- so little money

guys, going into the new year i remembering telling myself i would go to more concerts this year…. i didn’t expect every artist i love to go on tour all at once. i mean, green day & smashing pumpkins, pixies & modest mouse, BOB DYLAN, and Tool??? i do NOT have the money in my bank account for this. it all started off when i saw green day & smashing pumpkins going on tour together & asked my best friend if he wanted to go with me to see them. we made plans and decided on it and i worked on getting the money for tickets and finding an airbnb… then the pixies and modest mouse announced THEIR tour… and then BOB DYLAN…… and now as we are both going through a Tool phase, we find out Tool is playing in biloxi THIS WEEKEND. how am i supposed to live like this guys. i want to see every concert ever.

ready to graduate & get out of here

i’m sure you all can agree with me here. i am so ready to graduate and GET OUTTA HERE. i miss all my friends from last year SO MUCH and i cannot wait to be able to get to hang out with them over the summer (if my job lets me). i am excited for college and feeling like an adult and just…. everything man. i’m so excited for my own income and getting to spend my own money on what i want (every pierce the veil shirt that has ever existed). i’m excited for concerts and making memories with friends and hopefully meeting new people that will stay in my life!!! i cannot wait for the friendships and relationships that i’ll find myself in within these next couple years. i’m not ready for life after college just yet, but as of right now, i’m starting to warm up to the idea of change.

so yeah! just a yapping blog today. i’ve been wanting to talk a lot recently so i guess this was my chance to get it all out. love u all, read u next time.

the end is nero: seeing queens of the stone age live

hello rockers and freaks. i recently saw queens of the stone age live in dallas for my 18th birthday and i am buzzing with things to say about it. i can’t keep it in any longer or else i’ll explode and there will be a huge mess to clean up so lets get into it.

i love this band

ok so. it’s actually crazy thinking about how much i’ve loved this band my entire life. like, as a sixth grader, i would write down the lyrics to “go with the flow” all over my notes and get in serious trouble. i would sit in the backseat and blast the album “songs for the deaf” and pretend like i was the coolest little guy ever. well, i pretty much was. still am. anyways. i’ve gotten some of their albums on vinyl and learned so many of their songs on guitar. i’ve been a fan for the longest. well, the weekend of my birthday i went home but had to stop by my dad’s house to pick up my laptop (i fell down in the hallway during cleaning night and broke it and begged him to fix it) and when i walked into the house he showed me what he got me for my 18th. two tickets to see queens of the stone age live in dallas. i didn’t even know they were TOURING so of course i was all over it. i don’t travel much at all and i’ve never been to texas so i was super excited about getting to go to another state. the best part was that the concert wasn’t even that far away: it would be sunday, december 10th. well, it’s three days after the fact and the concert was so damn good that i’m still pretending like i’m still there (and secretly ordering tickets to see them again).

the concert

the concert was at the pavillion at the toyota music factory and me and my dad had two seats together in section 303 (the back section). despite being in the back, we really weren’t far from the stage at all. i could see all of josh homme from where i was (though i wish i could see even more of his face) (he’s my man who isn’t my man but is kinda my man). my only complaint about the venue was the sound wasn’t the best (the bass wasn’t as loud as it should have been in the back) and the crowd wasn’t as energetic as they should have been. me and the people in front of me however were absolutely into it. we did not care. i do think the opener, spiritualized, is part at fault for this though. while i don’t think it was a bad set, it definitely was a mood drainer. he sat down the entire time and lots of his songs were moody and slow, a complete opposite to the composition of queens of the stone age songs. anyways. the doors opened at 5:30, spirtualized was at 7:00, and queens came on around 8:30. i missed half of the opener because me and my dad were outside buying merch (the hoodie i’ve been wearning nonstop this week). still, i got as much as i could handle of that guy. the wait in between the end of the opener and the start of queens absolutely crushed me. my last concert was in 2019, and i have been begging to go to another ever since– and now it was finally happening. i tried not to get sick (in a good way) when i heard the beginning notes of the intro song. the entire concert was so good, i can barely describe it. one of my favorite moments was when someone in the crowd threw josh homme a die with tons of song names on it and he threw it to see what song he would play next. it landed on an unreleased song and he said “not that one” (sadly). then, he looked at the die and settled on “avon”, a song from their first album. i’ll write the setlist later, but basically they played all of my favorites EXCEPT the very two songs i was hoping they’d play: in the fade and sat by the ocean. that’s okay tho, because they played sick sick sick. i could genuinely keep going on and on about this concert, but i’m just going to end it on the fact that i haven’t listened to a single artist BESIDES this band since the concert. i wish i was still there with my entire being.

the setlist

if you’re a queens fan this is for you, and if you aren’t, well i guess this is a list of songs you need to listen to then.

  1. Regular John
  2. No One Knows
  3. Monsters in the Parasol
  4. Smooth Sailing
  5. My God Is the Sun
  6. Emotion Sickness
  7. If I Had a Tail
  8. Time & Place
  9. Into The Hollow
  10. Carnavoyeur
  11. Avon
  12. Sick, Sick, Sick
  13. I Think I Lost My Headache
  14. Paper Machete
  15. Domesticated Animals
  16. Make It Wit Chu
  17. Little Sister
  18. God Is in the Radio
  19. Go With the Flow
  20. Song for the Dead

( link to official setlist w/ talking notes: )


ok here are some photos i took from the show !!



just going to preface this by saying all the videos linked were not taken by me! but i am going to link some moments other people recorded from the show. and yes, i did record my own videos, i just don’t feel like putting them here lol.

here is when a fan threw josh the die with song names on it:

and here’s a couple songs that were played live! 

yeah so that’s everything !! i’m excited i have an outlet to talk about this concert and how much it meant to me. hope you enjoyed reading !!! rock on

mckamey manor and reckless ben’s exposé

as the days go by and we get closer and closer to halloween, more and more haunted houses are popping up all over the country. people line up for miles just to get scared and experience the thrill of total simulated terror- to appreciate the art of the scare… or, if you’re russ mckamey: the art of torture.

mckamey manor: “you really don’t want to do this”

mckamey manor is a haunted house created and founded in 2001 by house owner russ mckamey. it is marketed as the “scariest haunted house in the world” and is regarded as an experience only the toughest and fittest can go through with. the house claims to have a waitlist over 24,000 people, with citizens from all over the country flooding to tennessee just to go through the haunted house. the house is year long, and you have to sign a waiver stating that you give russ mckamey and his scare actors permission to subject you to physical and psychological torture for hours on end. for such a renowned and extreme haunted house, you would think there would be a heavy price to pay at the gate, right? well, you’d be wrong. all russ asks for in return in two bags of dog food… and a big chunk of your mental and physical health, of course. in return for making through the house, you receive $20,000. as suspected, no one has ever actually made it through the house… supposedly. 

reckless ben: a new-generation investigative journalist

reckless ben is a youtuber i found randomly one day that has completely changed my perspective on how we track investigations in the journalism community. his content is crazy entertaining and is so daring and real that some days i even fear for the guy’s safety. reckless ben is no newbie to risk, as some of his most popular series on youtube include him infiltrating the yellow deli cult and even scientology. he also holds the world record for the closest someone has gotten to the bohemian grove cult after the security increase following alex jones’ infiltration. pretty cool guy, right? well, three months, he decided to start a series on mckamey manor. he and his close friend signed up for the tour and quickly discovered that both were not able to get to the actual haunted house. not because they gave up, but, get this, because there is no haunted house. neither ben nor his friend ever said the safe word (which, by the way, wasn’t even allowed until a couple years ago) but russ both deemed them “too hurt to continue.” what really happened was ben was forced to do petty-exercises outside and then when he asked to go to the haunted house, russ brushed it off and eventually refused to allow him into the house. ben was promised to be covered in rats and snakes, go through an underwater maze, and so much more, but was never even able to enter the house. doesn’t that raise some questions?

what ben has proposed so far regarding the manor

while i can’t retell every little thing ben has uncovered in his investigation, i can tell you about some of the main points. as you may have guessed, the haunted house actually doesn’t exist. the terrifying, thrilling, snake-ridden underwater maze haunted house actually doesn’t exist. not surprising. this point was proved when ben got in contact with an infamous mckamey manor hate group online. russ begged ben to help shut down the group, and so he did, but the group had one thing they wanted to see before they quieted down for good. all they wanted was to have russ show them at least one live animal that he keeps in the haunted house. this could include rats, snakes, or any large collection of bugs. after desperately wanting this group to be taken down, russ heard this one final term and chose not to show any animals DESPITE wanting the group to be taken down, effectively telling us that there were no animals in the house because the haunted house never existed at all. so what actually happens in the house if there is no haunted house? well, russ pretty much just makes you do rigorous exercises or he’ll beat you up as much as he can, making you “unable” to go through the house. also, you probably already guessed that the cash prize at the end is 100% fake, too. when you enter the house, you have absolutely no chance of getting the grand prize and making it through… not because the house is too hard to get through, but because it doesn’t even exist and russ would never let you win. if anything, you might go home in an ambulance instead.

reckless ben’s mckamey manor series and why you should watch it

what else good do you have to do with your time? this series is so interesting and is an excellent showcase of the new generation of investigative journalists. reckless ben has infiltrated so many different organizations so many times and the bravery he has is absolutely incredible. mckamey manor has been under the spotlight for many many years, and while so many people have suspected it of wrongdoing, ben has been one of the only ones who has had the courage to attack it head on and attempt to get it shut down. whether not you believe mckamey manor is an extreme haunted house or a man’s excuse to torture people legally, the infiltrating mckamey manor series is one of the most fulfilling you can find on the youtube platform (of course, many of the videos are being taken down as ben himself is getting sued by mckamey manor, lol). oh yeah, did i mention that ben managed to actually file paperwork that says he is the true owner of mckamey manor? despite what you may think, everything he did was legal- just absolutely crazy. if you’re interested in a skinny guy with the guts and audacity of a soldier do absolutely insane things (legally) to take down unfair corporations, cults, or scams… then reckless ben on youtube is for you!

here is a link to the playlist of the series (the video linked down below is the latest of the series, but it allows you to see the previous ones in the playlist). please let me know if you end up watching it, i’m a huge fan of him and all his videos ! well, that’s all from me. see you next month, scare fans.

the ending of neon genesis evangelion is perfect and here’s why

around this time last year, i was writing about the series “goodnight punpun”- a manga a close friend recommended to me that changed my life (and also ruined it.) well, apparently this friend can’t help sending me into episodes, because over the summer they convinced me to finally watch neon genesis evangelion. everything was fine. i was enjoying the show, for a while. i really enjoyed the graphics and i was very happy there wasn’t too many episodes, as it’s really hard for me to commit to a long-running show. everything was great, then i got to the final two episodes. i don’t think i’ve ever had such a strong emotional reaction to something like i did to the ending of neon genesis. i was hyperventilating, sobbing my ass off, on the floor WRITHING. my eyes were bloodshot. the ending of the show touched me in such a life-changing way (no, like, literally- my philosophy on life changed after i watched this show). so it’s no surprise that when i saw people absolutely hated the way the show ended, i had some thoughts. well, here are those thoughts. enjoy.

a quick explanation of the plot for context

so, the plot of evangelion can be hard to understand. i caught on pretty quickly, but i was also actually watching the show, not just reading a blog online. i’m going to try my best and explain the premise of the first part of the show. so, the show starts in 2015- 15 years after the “second impact.” the second impact was a global disaster that led to the death of half of the earth’s population. it was believed that the second impact was the result of a meteorite landing that changed the earth’s axis, but this was later proved to be false. the actual cause of the second impact was contact and experimentation with what would later be the first of the angels, adam. the angels are beings that are destroyed over the course of the series- they are adam’s offspring. these experiments were done by two organizations: SEELE and Gehirn. in 2010, Gehrin changed into a paramilitary organization called NERV. it is located in tokyo-3, which is a militarized civilian city. NERV’s mission is to destroy all angels predicted by SEELE, but the higher ups of NERV have a different mission. commander gendo ikari- the main character’s father- is the head of the human instrumentality project. the human instrumentality project is an effort to unite all human minds into one entity, effectively ending all human problems and loneliness. associated with NERV is the Marduk Institute. the Marduk Institute has the responsibility of finding pilots for their giant mecha machines: the evas. the most capable of piloting the evas are children born after the second impact: 14 year olds. the evas are used to destroy all angels. 

a quick retelling of the story for well… for context

okay yeah i know: lots of lore, but it’s essential. so basically the story of neon genesis evangelion follows 14 year old shinji ikari who is summoned to tokyo-3 by his father, gendo ikari. the year is 2015, and tokyo-3 is being attacked by the third angel. shinji doesn’t know much about his father– just that he works for something very important. shinji later finds out that he’s been summoned by his father to pilot the eva unit 01. he reluctantly agrees and lives with captain misato katsuragi in tokyo-3. shinji and fellow pilot rei ayanami defeat the third angel and are the two main pilots until they are later joined by asuka soryu, the eva unit 02 pilot. later in the show, there is a fourth pilot, but these three are the main characters. for the majority of the series, these three (and then four) go off to defeat each angel, getting increasingly more injured as the days go on. while this is happening, the true intentions of NERV become more apparent. also happening includes the deterioration of each character’s psyche, self esteem, physical body, etc. relationships grow tense and fall apart. visuals and story go haywire and almost unexplainable, and it all leads up to the final two episodes. those last two episodes are pure peak film, and i believe they end the series perfectly, despite popular opinion.

the end: instrumentality is completed

shinji kills the final angel and the instrumentality project is set into motion by his father. SEELE wants instrumentality to happen because of the spiritual belief that life is not fit to live in its current state; ikari wants instrumentality to happen to carry out the plans of his late wife– shinji’s mother. gendo has a desire to see her again and allow humanity a better future whereas SEELE desires a permanent reset. as the instrumentality project is set into motion, the show begins to look wildly different. each main character in the series begins to confront themselves in what can be described as an animated schizophrenic manner. shinji travels deep inside of himself and confronts the parts of him that he ignored throughout the show. he faces the reality of becoming his father, and he faces the comforting thought of being able to change his reality by accepting himself and redefining his worth. instrumentality is working, and dark is explored before light is found. as shinji slips deeper and deeper into his own mind, he realizes that his self worth has not only altered himself, but his friends and partners. visually, everything is stripped from us except for the image of shinji (and other characters and they too are depicted going through instrumentality). he begins to imagine him and his friends as normal teenagers in high school, and he begins to realize that this is only an alternate reality: an impossible possibility. shinji finds self-freedom, and he is able to realize his own self worth. there are two main endings to this series (i have not seen the others), and this one can only be described as the most hopeful and positive ending possible. shinji has a breakthrough and realizes his worth; everything is brought back and shinji stands surrounded by characters in the show. he has changed his path and is congratulated by all characters in the show. here is the final moment in a transcript.

Shinji:         The real world might not always be bad.
                But, I hate myself.

Makoto:         It's your mind that conceives that the reality is bad
                and hateful.

Shigeru:        The mind which confuses Reality with the Truth.

Maya:           The angle of view, the position. If these are slightly
                 different, what is inside your mind will change a lot.

Ryouji:         There are as many truths as there are people.

Kensuke:        But there's only one truth that you have,
                which is formed from your narrow view of the world,
                It is revised information to protect yourself,
                the twisted truth.

Touji:          Oh, yes. the view of the world that one can
                have is quite small.

Hikari:         Yes, you measure things only by your own small

Asuka:          One sees things with the truth, given by others.

Misato:         Happy on a sunny day.

Rei:            Gloomy on a rainy day.

Asuka:          If you're taught that, you always think so.

Ritsuko:        But, you can enjoy rainy days.

Fuyutsuki:      Through different ways of conceiving, the truth
                will change into very different things; it's a weak thing.

Ryouji:         The truth within a person is such a cheap thing that
                people wish to know deeper truths.

Gendou:         It's only that you're not used to being liked by people.

Misato:         So, you don't have to look to others' faces.

Shinji:         But, don't you hate me?

Asuka:          You idiot! It's only you who is always trying to believe

Shinji:         Yet, I hate myself.

Rei:            Those who hate themselves cannot love or trust others.

Shinji:         I am wicked, cowardly, weak and ..

Misato:         If you know yourself, you can be kind to others.

Shinji:         I hate myself.
                But, I might be able to love myself.
                I might be allowed to stay here.
                Yes. I am nothing but I.
                I am I. I wish to be I.
                I want to stay here!
                I can stay here!

People:         Congratulations!

Shinji:         Thank you!

                        Thank you, my father.
                        Good  bye, my mother.
                        And to the all the children,


these words completely destroyed me– but in such a great way. i too felt like i found a new worth in myself, and have been carrying that idea ever since. it’s truly like philosophy to me, and the final two episodes of this show completely changed my life and reality. everything about it is perfect.

final thoughts: the end of evangelion ruins every good thing about the ending of neon genesis

so, small fact, a lot of people really didn’t like the ending of neon genesis evangelion. they weren’t happy with the metaphorical and different approach it took– they would have much rather seen the true action-based ending. i am not one of these people, but oh well. in response to the backlash from the ending, hideaki anno basically said oh, you want a different ending? and gave us the disaster (but really great) that is the end of evangelion. to sum it up without explaining every detail, the end of evangelion is the ending in which shinji is not able to grow and expand himself. it is the ending in which instrumentality begins and he is unable to accept growth. everyone is shrouded in a disgusting and appalling light, much like shinji himself. nothing is positive about this ending, and instead of all characters being redeemed, they just get worse. one notable scene from this movie includes shinji choking asuka after she simply tells him the truth about himself. later, in the very final scene of the movie, he chooses to choke asuka once more. they are two washed up beings from the sea of humanity– the only two people– and he chooses to choke her once more. he does not grow. he becomes disgusting.

end: reality is not linear

while i like to tell myself the original ending of neon genesis is canon, i have to remind myself that there are infinite possibilities and endings in the evangelion universe. there are even some more recent movies that i have never seen with COMPLETELY different endings. it’s like a grab bag of endings, and you can pick which one you like the most and attempt to rid your mind of the other endings. hideaki anno described the series as a jigsaw puzzle with no reference photo: everything fits in the end, but every person who completes the puzzle will have a different finished piece. no two completed puzzles will be the same, just like no two perspectives and ideas of evangelion will be the same. there are infinite ways to analyze this series, and the implications are beautiful. it is truly a perfect and devastating series, and while i do love the end of evangelion, nothing compares to the final two episodes of neon genesis evangelion. absolutely nothing.

thank you to my father, goodbye to my mother, and to all the children, congratulations!


the importance of understanding impulsive vs. intrusive and why the “letting my intrusive thoughts win” trend is harmful

i’m sure at some point you’ve seen a video of someone acting out in a unpredictable way- most likely acting on an impulse that most ignore. you go to the comments and every single one says something along the lines of “letting my intrusive thoughts win.” you get a laugh; it’s just a harmless joke, right? what you see as a harmless joke is what people with ocd- like me- see as a kick to the face. if our intrusive thoughts were something harmless like that, i’m sure we’d be laughing too. when we try to explain to people the difference between impulsive vs. intrusive, they get hostile: offended even. then you have those who claim to be an english professor who blindly explain what intrusive “actually” means while idiotically ignoring the idea of a clinical term. people don’t take the differentiation seriously enough, and as someone who has had such crippling struggles with ocd and intrusive thoughts, i’m sick of it.

let’s talk about what “intrusive thoughts” actually are

intrusive thoughts can be defined as unwanted, distressing and repetitive thoughts that often go against your morals. these can include acting out towards people you love in violent or morally unacceptable ways. intrusive thoughts are not exclusive to people with ocd- but they are a common (and arguably the most debilitating) sign of the illness. they can make you question your own morals and convince yourself you actually want to act out on your thoughts. this is not the case. intrusive thoughts are the manifestation of your worst fears and the things that disturb you the most/go against your morals. someone who has intrusive thoughts about hurting themselves or hurting someone they love does not want to act out on those thoughts. actually, it means that they are incredibly disturbed by those thoughts and would most likely do anything to ensure they don’t happen- like acting out compulsions, another common sign of ocd. people who experience intrusive thoughts are not their thoughts, and their thoughts do not represent their urges or morals at all.

now that we know what intrusive thoughts are, what are impulsive thoughts?

impulsive thoughts are exactly what they sound like. they are thoughts of acting out on an impulse. an impulse is defined as a strong urge or desire to act on something. that is one of the main differences between impulsive vs. intrusive- an impulsive thought is something you have an urge/desire to act out on, an intrusive thought is a thought that is uncomfortable and more often than not disgusts you: it is something you would never want to act out on. impulsive thoughts could be something like wanting to cut your own hair at 2am even though you know you’d botch it, or the urge to grab and eat food you see in the fridge that isn’t yours. the difference is drastic, so why do people insist on using intrusive when they really mean impulsive? maybe it’s unwillingness to change, or maybe it’s pure disregard for mental health. 

how is using “intrusive” when you mean “impulsive” harmful to others?

i first started getting intrusive thoughts when i was 14, and i was too scared to tell anyone about it. i thought everyone would think i was a horrible person and call me crazy- the one word no one with ocd wants to be called. if you use “intrusive” when you mean “impulsive,” it gives people the wrong idea about what intrusive thoughts actually are- so when people with genuine intrusive thoughts explain what they experience, others react in a negative and disgusted manner because they have this false idea that intrusive thoughts are harmless impulses that wouldn’t harm anyone in any serious way to act out on. this makes people with ocd feel crazy and misunderstood, and being understood is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with ocd. another thing is how people say they “let their intrusive thoughts win.” if someone with genuine intrusive thoughts “let them win,” they would be imprisoned or dead. telling someone with intrusive thoughts to “let them win” is disgusting and disrespectful, and it only showcases how uneducated you are. 

now that we understand the difference and how using intrusive when we mean impulsive is harmful, where do we go from here? 

as someone with ocd, when i see the misuse of the term “intrusive thoughts,” i educated immediately. you should too. if you see someone using the term intrusive incorrectly, you need to correct them and explain the severity of their mistake. if you ignore it and allow them to use the incorrect term, you are harming MILLIONS of people with ocd and worsening the mindset around genuine intrusive thoughts. it is not hard to switch “intrusive” to “impulsive.” if you are not willing to make that change, then you are the exact problem i have described in this blog. don’t be complacent. speak up when you see misinformation regarding ocd. don’t just let it happen- for all of our sakes. 

a final note to everyone who has ocd and/or experiences intrusive thoughts

you are not your thoughts. that’s right, you. are. not. your. thoughts. there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone. if you are someone i know reading this, just know that the only reason i wrote about this is because i experience it too. you are not alone. please come to me if you need help dealing with this crippling disease. i’ve struggled so that i can  help others, and i will not hesitate to share this wisdom with you. it’s going to be okay. you’re going to be okay. everything is going to be okay<3.

a final note to everyone else

the best thing you can do to help is educating yourself on ocd and the difference between intrusive and impulsive. you can even start right here on the msa literary blog! my beautiful friend and former roommate emma stapp has many articles about ocd and i 100% recommend reading each one she has posted: they are beautifully written and so important.

here are additional resources about ocd and intrusive thoughts to learn from:,mind%20without%20any%20apparent%20trigger.

i sincerely hope this blog helped you & inspired you to educate yourself on ocd. let’s come together and end the misconceptions about ocd and intrusive thoughts!<3 

also please check out emma stapp’s article “ocd is not an adjective…”

an ode to goodbyes

when i first arrived at msa, i knew only a couple seniors and my roommate. during the first week, i felt so alone and could barely keep myself together. i wanted to go home. i called my mom and told her i had no friends, and i didn’t want to be here anymore. she simply told me to go out and at least try before coming home. so i did. during the water park trip at the beginning of the year, i went out and tried my best to talk to people- and that’s how i met some of my closest friends. others reached out to me on social media, and we quickly became close. others have been by my side since the summer. this blog is dedicated to them, as each one will be leaving. i love all of you, and remember to stay in touch:)

an ode to locklyn:

locklyn, you are one of my favorite people on the planet. we met over the summer and immediately had a connection. i enjoyed talking to you so much, and i was so excited to have a friend. when i moved in, i was awkward and nervous, but being around you helped me so much. despite my disposition, you wanted to hang out with me and you loved being my friend- something that helped me value myself more. we have had so many moments together that i can’t even have a favorite. every second spent with you is enjoyable, and i’m so glad that we met. music is one thing we have connected between us, and i cherish that so much. you got me into slipknot, and i got you into elliott smith. you’re the jonathan davis to my fred durst. i’m so excited to see you at ole miss and hopefully live with you there too !! stay cool, and always remember to damn the man. i love you!

song dedicated to you: lover, you should’ve come over by jeff buckley

an ode to cain:

cain, i would have never guessed that we would become friends. which doesn’t make sense, really. i followed you before i moved in, but when i first saw you, i didn’t say a single word. it wasn’t until the water park trip that i even said hi to you. then, suddenly, we became close. ever since then, we continue to get closer and closer. anytime i see you, my day is brightened. i genuinely love you so much. sometimes you can be a little silly and do little stupid silly things, but it doesn’t make me love you any less. one of my favorite moments with you dates back to artoberfest where you gave me the biggest bruise of my life. you roughed me up so bad, but because it was you, i didn’t mind. my arm still shivers when i get near you. other moments include watching you laugh so hard over your own story, every time you’ve ever yelled super loudly in public (as much as i hated it), and the long talks we’ve had on the swings outside. you’ve been there for me since day one, and i will continue to be there for you. i’m so excited to see you over the summer. stay awesome, cain:)

song dedicated to you: alameda by elliott smith

an ode to emma:

emma, my dearest roommate. i surprisingly don’t have many photos of us together, but i like to think it’s because we’re too busy making awful jokes to notice. i met you towards the beginning of the year, and i instantly knew that we had so much in common. like, a scary amount in common. when i got the news that my roommate was leaving in december, you were the first person i messaged. i’m so glad i did that, because now i have the best roommate anyone could ever ask for. seeing you walk into the room instantly makes me so happy. there is never a dull moment when we are both in the room. even when i’m not feeling well, you never fail to make me laugh. i will forever miss walking into the room and hearing you instantly have something to tell me, or almost being asleep and then hearing you absolutely laugh your ass off- immediately sending me whatever it is you’re looking at. you’re so talented and i’m absolutely so excited to see what your future holds. you’re one of my closest friends and an excellent singer of the wishing tree song from south park. have a great summer, emma:)

song dedicated to you: needles and pins by jackie deshannon

an ode to kameron:

kameron. we don’t have a single photo together, which is crazy because you are genuinely one of my closest friends of all time. you followed me over the summer, and i followed you back after some time. when i moved in, i didn’t connect you to the account i had been following. all i knew was you seemed super cool and i desperately wanted to be your friend. i remember posting something on my story about wanting new friends and after about thirty minutes, you messaged me. it was an awkward start simply sharing music, but it turned into one of my most cherished friendships of all time. we have talked to each other almost every single day of this school year with no breaks. i introduced you to elliott smith, and you got me into what is now one of my favorite manga series of all time (goodnight punpun). punpun became a huge part of our friendship, and now all your drawings of him that you have gifted me are on display in my room at home:) i genuinely have never had such a kind and caring friend like you, and i know neither of us will let our friendship die out. i can’t wait to see you over the summer (hopefully we can actually communicate like real human beings). stay cool kameron, and yes, you do look like will toledo.

song dedicated to you: there must be more than blood by car seat headrest

if you aren’t featured here, please do know that i still love you and care about you. this blog is dedicated to the people who have made the most impact on my life. there are still so many others that i love and am so grateful for. with that being said, here’s to the year of 22′-23′, and here’s to the people that got me through it. i’m endlessly thankful for you all. see you later:)<3

signing out,


guardians of the galaxy 3 review/thoughts

oh dear god.

i have been the biggest fan of the guardians of the galaxy series since the very first one came out. i’ve seen each movie in theaters within two days of it coming out. i love it. i’ve also seen the specials (i love them as well). so obviously when i found out that the last one would be coming out, i was destroyed but excited. i love james gunn- he is one of my favorite directors, and he never lets me down. i knew i would love the third installment, but i didn’t realize the extent of the affect it would have on me. not only do i think it is my favorite movie in the series, but for the past couple of days, it has completely changed my way of thinking and made me so emotional. it might just be because of the point in the month, but i have been sobbing everyday since seeing it. ya’ll, when i watched it, i wanted to bang my head against the wall until it exploded. i genuinely could not take it. i’m very sensitive to harm towards animals, so this movie really got to me. my favorite character has always been rocket, so i was especially interested in this movie. it wasn’t until after my mom told me that she sobbed during it that i debated even going to see it in theaters. but of course i couldn’t break the streak, so i went with a couple friends. don’t do that. i held back tears for the sake of saving face- and now i’m going to go watch it again with my boyfriend, and i will not be holding back a single damn emotion. i grew so attached to these sweet characters just to- i won’t spoil it, but it gets super dark and super depressing. you will cry. you will sob. and then at the end you’ll attempt to smile as florence + the machine plays but inside you will be sobbing. 10/10 movie, 10/10 series.

it’s great to have friends.