I don’t really have a specific topic to talk about in this blog, it’s kind of just me emptying my brain in a somewhat coherent way.
Recently, I’ve been having really traumatic nightmares, not your typical “oogie boogie”, rather, things that are so mentally scarring they feel like a real burden I carry. It is mainly a mix of traumatic events I have faced to create new traumatic events; which is absolutely not what I need. I have too much trauma as it is. My brain hates me, it makes everything so much harder, why must it torment me in this way.
I’ve also gained a good bit of weight, which I am still very upset about. I used to be overweight and that is the last thing I want to be again. To make it worse, my psychiatrist says my face looks like I’ve gained, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted to hear. I’m super self conscious about how much I weigh, but sometimes I can’t avoid eating junky food. Like for basketball games we get fast food after away-games, and it’s pretty much that or being super hungry. I really just want to have a flat stomach, I work out everyday but nothing ever seems to help. Diets are pretty much guaranteed to fail, they are designed to take a few pounds off and then it comes right back, maybe even more. I’m actually pretty happy with my body other than my persistent beer belly, even though I don’t drink beer. I do crunches and sit-ups and all of that and nothing ever seems to help. I barely eat anything but my weight just goes up and up. I don’t really drink soda or anything either, I carry around a water bottle and that’s pretty much all except maybe an Envy or two. I know being a low weight number isn’t really that plausible with my height, but I just want to be able to wear my practice shirt without my stomach sticking out several inches from the rest of my body. It is so humiliating.
Also, I have been feeling a lot more depressed lately. It might have to do something with the previous statements, but I also have started a new medicine that can cause worsening in depression symptoms.
I just really want to be hugged tightly by someone and just let out a good cry.
