There are things in this life that will shake you down to your core. As we grow, there is an expanding fear within us that can and will destroy us if we let it. This darkness, this blob of fright and doubt, is an emotion so simple we often over look it: anxiety.
Anxiety prevents me from doing so many things. It makes me not want to go certain places, or to college interviews, or even out to eat; it makes me not want to write certain things for fear of judgment. It’s a heavy burden that people avoid talking about.
For me, perhaps the burden is a little heavier for me. I was diagnosed with depression caused by panic when I was five years old. I’ve struggled since I was a kid to stay happy, to stay positive, to keep growing and going. It’s hard when the panic attack hits, it really is, and I won’t lie and say that there aren’t times I just want to lay in my bed and ignore the entire world. I get so depressed because of how hard things are, how seemingly insignificant I am.
Sometimes I enter this state of mind where I think: I am on a tiny planet with millions of people, in a gigantic galaxy surrounded by even bigger galaxies and planets. I am but a speck in a very, very large painting. I forget that every drop of paint matters, ever stroke of the brush is necessary for the full picture. I’m sure there are readers out there who forget that too.
I do believe in a creator, in God. I believe that he has put me here for a purpose just as he has everyone else. It’s hard to believe that. It’s hard to hold on to that, and I don’t expect everyone to be able to. But for me, if I lose that faith I lose my morality and I fade away. I am so held back from everything because of the way my brain works and it’s exhausting. I have to have something to hold onto. My greatest advice for those out there is to find your anchor, because you’ll need it when the waves get rough.
I have learned something very important through the misery though. Existing isn’t living, no matter how bad I want it to be. I can’t just go through the motions. I have to push, I have to strive, I have to make myself be the person I’ve always wanted to be. We have been lied to. Dreams don’t happen while we are asleep, they happen while we are walking in the daytime, they happen in the midst of our worst nightmares. Misery can be creativity. It’s just a matter of how we look at it.
