I dyed my hair. I know I know, it’s the third week , what was I thinking? I wasn’t. That’s the answer. You’d think being the anxious person I am I’d be freaking out about this, which I guess I am, but a LOT less than I thought I would. Quite frankly, I’m calm about it. Don’t really care. Now my mom finding out, kinda makes me nervous. Hey mom, if you’re reading this! Yes, I dyed my hair pink! I love you! See you soon! New year, new school, new hair, new me. Well, hopefully not a completely new me.
I’m trying so hard to hold on to aspects of my old life. I keep seeing photos from people at my old school, and it feels like I’m just away for the week. Like maybe I’m having a sick day, or I’m at a summer camp. It’s super surreal not being there. Not a bad surreal, but for sure surreal. I can’t tell if this thought process is by my own doing, or if my mind is doing all of this autonomously.
I can tell though, that I’m changing as a human being. For better or for worse I can’t tell yet, I’ll update you at the end of this school year, but it’s happening. Maybe that’s why I decided to bleach and dye my hair on a Sunday before school, to show outwardly that I’m no longer the exact same girl that went to Oxford High School.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m terrified of showing this new me to Oxford. Not because they will see this completely, brand new model of myself, but rather that these two sides of me will be one? I can no longer morph between two different people like Jekyll and Hyde when I’m in the two cities. Outwardly, I’m different. Before, I could go back to Oxford, and act as I used to there, and then come back to MSA and pick up my personality I use here.
These thoughts seem silly I realize, all of it being sparked by me making a impulsive decision, but it’s something to think about.
I’ve realized that I do weird things to keep these lives separate, and I’m not sure why. Just yesterday I couldn’t even use Pages, because it was something that we used at Oxford, not MSA. Microsoft Word is an MSA thing to only be used here, and Pages is to be used in Oxford. I know how to use both well, it’s just I think the two should be separate. Maybe my goal for this year should be to morph the two worlds together. Both have been and will be important in my development as a person, so why should they stay separate? Or maybe they should. We’ll see.
It’s weird how different people view us different ways. It’s also weird how first impressions, can be so different from the person we are judging. I wish I could compile a book of people’s first impressions of me versus how they see me now. That would be interesting.
Will my hair change people’s first impression of me? Will this new color completely dictate how I’m viewed? Will I have a completely different life because I made the decision to alter my appearance? Probably not, but hey, the butterfly affect is real thing. Maybe this hair color change is one little pebble in a grander scheme of things.
It doesn’t matter anyways. This hair color is temporary. Hair re-grows. It changes. Within a year’s time I will be different, but still connected from the cotton-candy me I am now.
love this. I feel like I kind of do the same things as far as the surreal thing.
I feel the same way about a lot of things you said. I dyed my hair purple over the summer and just got it redone so it’s brighter than ever, lol! but it is a strange feeling to not be around most of the people you’ve grown up with
Your hair is so fluffy. Also, I totally feel ya with the two worlds thing. Like, Pontotoc? Never heard of her.
You’re changing, growing accustomed. It’s a great thing and I’m very happy for you
Personally, I have always had different sides of me. There’s the normal (normal?) side, which is really just a compilation of everything I like. I’m not sure if there is a real me, and if there was, it is now completely overshadowed by cartoons and video games. The other two are my silly and serious sides, which I believe are both coping mechanisms I’ve developed. I’ll act silly and ignorant in some settings, and serious and somewhat intense in others. I’m pretty much the same as I was at my old school. The thing is, I couldn’t really be myself there. The silly and serious sides were really the only sides that came out, as few had any interest in how I normally behave. Not only can I be normal, I’m starting to feel comfortable being normal. I try not to think about first impressions, otherwise I might have another existential crisis (and I have too many of those already). Y’know, I should dye my hair one of these days now that you mention it. I might look into that…mwahaha…