I often feel inferior to the people I meet here. So many of them are extremely multi-talented, and I’m just not. I love writing. Writing is my passion, but it is also the only thing I am actually good at. I hate to use the word envy, but it stands bluntly honest in the way I feel. I can only dream of being agile enough to dance, having an angelic voice, knowing technology enough to create film, or even have the ability to keep a straight face while reciting lines from a script.
I can practically hear my mother’s voice in my head saying “You can do anything you set your mind to.” Don’t get me wrong, I do not doubt my ability to create art through words. I simply wish I could do more. I suppose I just wasn’t created to be an intense multi-talented right brain artist, but I look at the art created by the people around me, and the feeling of hopelessness cascades over my admiration. I hate it. I truly hate it. I wish I could just be happy with the gift I do have and not be so selfish as to crave more and more. Why do I feel the need to excel in everything? Why do I feel the need to bash myself when I do not succeed. I remember making my first B in third grade. I cried for days. I would not let go of the fact that I wasn’t the best anymore. I am fully aware I cannot have that mindset here. You do not have to tell me. It is just really hard to grow from my habits.
I turned ambition into something dark and evil, and it eats away at my every thought. I have this constant need to compare myself to everyone and everything, and the most ironic part is that my mind never allows me to come out on top. I suppose that is just the intelligent side of me saying “Accept that you will never be perfect.” But, that part of my head is too quiet. The ridiculous and unpleasable part likes to scream very loudly, so the gentle and logical is drowned out to a very dull murmur. It is torturous never being good enough for myself. I am so tired of never being able to fully enjoy other’s art because it is better that I can do. I honestly just want to be happy with myself. I guess that is to much to ask of myself.
I feel this deep to my core. It’s hard being surrounded by creators, and having such high expectations for yourself. Comparison is quite the killer. Trust me though, you’re not alone in this feeling.