Over the course of a year, I have been trying my absolute hardest to change. At my old school, I was, well, weird. This ideology (that people enforced around me) reminded me of a hamster ball or even bubble wrap, something to encase my “all-around strangeness”. No one wanted to get my kind of personality on them.
In my head, I have always seen myself as the equivalent of human sludge. Slow moving, never taking form, and leaving traces where I go. This doesn’t bother me, as I want to make an impact, but other people tend to see me as some sort of detriment because of this.
I know I am a freak of nature. I am not wanted in a regular conforming society, nor do I want to be wanted.
Its as simple as this: conforming would kill me. To be the same as another carbon-cut life form drains me of my personal whatever-it-is I’m trying to seek. I purposely broke the fourth wall with the intentions of finding the fifth, if that makes sense. I am beyond the realm of normal, and I am having trouble even remembering what normal feels like.
(It might be that I have gone too far into the land of the crazies.)
I can feel this uneasiness collecting like dust along my shoulder blades. I am uncomfortable in this skin, same as the last. I will shed and shed and grow and break and build once more, but will ever be a definite concept? A whole substance?
Yes, that is what my personality needs-substance. I need to stop shifting with the water and lean into the comfort of just alright for now.
Three years from now, I see myself being irrational. Twenty years from now, I see nothing. I guess that means my prediction of “dead after 23” must be what my future is expecting to happen.
(I don’t know what I am trying to get at, and I think I changed what I wanted the point of this to be.)
Anyway, at this school, I have been deemed as less than. A weaker link. Submissive.
I want it to be said that if any of you actually believe this, you haven’t been paying attention. I am playing this game like this on purpose, I promise.
My whole “thing” is that if you let people believe you are less than them, they will give you more information than they would have at first. I sit, I watch, I wait. (And I react crazily to throw everyone off my trail.)
Here’s my big secret, guys. This is it. I act on impulse to watch the reactions of others. I have no limits in order to understand the condition of my surroundings better. I am too self aware to focus on myself when I do irrational things. Instead, I am only focused on the social situation. Also, I do think through everything I do, and how it affects others. It’s exactly why I feel the need to do it.
I have never really needed to explain what I am to anybody, but I am starting to realize how off people are when they think they understand me. I would love for people to believe I am not just insane, but intuitive.
And if you don’t believe any of this, congrats! You are entitled to your own opinion. My praxis is something hard to understand, I get that. Just please, know that I let myself get pushed around or into situations it’s because that’s the only way I know how to “control” the situation.
(I am not making sense, sorry, I’m trying.)
I am the owner of a predicament if I cause that predicament. I create, then destroy. I am the beginning and end to my own problems, the designer of my catastrophe.
No one needs to give me excuses.
I let myself look dull for the sake of time. I do not have the patience to please everyone, but I go out of my way to do that sometimes, so that I might learn more a bout their human nature, and my own.
I’m just trying to figure things guys, and I’m not weak or submissive.
I am only waiting.
I absolutely love the line, “No one wanted to get my kind of personality on them.” I also love how this piece makes me feel and how it perfectly captures a time (and feeling) in your life. We all long to be different from the “norm”, but a lot of us don’t make it a priority. I thoroughly appreciate that you made a mission to not conform to the “normal” in high school. Until this year, I never really made it a priority. But now that I’m surrounded by others’ creativity, I have tried to be more “myself”. I’ve always noticed that you’re so “yourself”, and I’ve always wanted to be that too, never really having the courage to do so. Thank you for writing this and making me think a lot about things I normally don’t think about, but should. 🙂
This was really insightful, dude. I’m not going to say I understood you, because I didn’t, but I did have some of these thoughts about you, it was just your motivation I was always unsure about.
I like this. And your motivation is kind of cool, though it does seem to lack self-care. But whatever, great piece!
I agree with Janey that I didn’t understand you; I did try. But, as she said , I like this and while your motivation is out-there and unique to you, it does lack self-care. I hope you go far and prosper in your own purpose, dude!
i definitely struggle a lot with my lack of desire to conform paired with my desire to be liked. it’s a bad combination, but also the result of my nature according to arbitrary personality tests. i was always the weird kid that nobody liked, and i could never tell who i wanted to be more.