the suburbs (pt. 3)

modern man // arcade fire

we were stuck.

we all were.

we’d gotten ourselves caught up in the suburban life, allowing ourselves to succumb to the fate of growing up in a small town and never getting out of it.

or worse: getting out and finding ourselves crawling back home.

but i always wanted to get out. i always wanted to run away from the community that never truly made me feel welcome.

and i knew i could. i knew that one day i would drive past the welcome signs and never once look back. i knew that my life wouldn’t stagnate in the town i never really belonged in.

so they ask, “who do you want to be?” “what do you want to be?”

and i reply, “i want to be a writer.”

“pick something more realistic,” they demand. they wanted a change, something practical.

so i give it to them.

“i want to be a teacher.” “i want to be a doctor.” “i want to be a hematologist.” “i want to be a pediatric surgeon.”

sure, the dreams i told them i had were still things i was interested in, but they weren’t passionate. and i think dreams have to be passionate for them to become anything at all.

i let them change what dreams came out of my mouth, but they could never change the dreams the grew from my brain like wildflowers.

i kept my dreams to myself and watched as they left their own dreams behind. i watched as they assimilated to never leaving the state to go to college, and never leaving the county to start a family. i watched people bloom and wither away into caricatures of the american south.

i saw people open their mouths when asked what they want to be when they grow up only to close them again, returning to the question with something thought more appropriate by the adults who had their dreams shattered by suburbia. they’d let suburbia cloud their ambitions and hopes, and they were trying to make us kids do the same.

but i wasn’t going to let them turn me into another suburban machine. i wasn’t going to let them make me be something i didn’t feel. they weren’t going to poison the wildflowers that grew in my brain.

after all, it was those very wildflowers, that very determination to be what i wanted to be when i grew up, that brought me here.

Author: Madison Cox

madison: known for being very loud and very short and also a little sad. finally embraced her inner hipster. typically can be found listening to music or writing something. very fond of sweaters, hugs, and chucks. thinks capital letters are overrated. enjoys typing like a child but speaking like an adult. really wants to write books one day. View all posts by Madison Cox