Hey guys. I know I normally write about cooking, but today I just didn’t feel it.
It’s that time of the year again. Yep. Spring. Everyone has a few months out of the year where they just feel sad. Mine are in the winter and spring. Yes Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Prom. Those events have one thing in common: companionship.
The winter holidays are one of the most stressful times of the year. First there’s the pressure of exams-fun. Then there is the pressure of buying the perfect gift for your loved ones and panicking if you got the wrong one. The stress of going home for the holidays. And for us students dealing with COVID, the stress of being quarantined during the holidays (me).
But for me, the worst part of these events is being lonely. I’ve always been alone. I’ve never had any real friendships that have lasted. I’ve definitely never had any relationships that were good.
So, every Christmas, while my friends are doing secret Santa or throwing parties without me, or my sister spending all of her time with her boyfriend, I do anything to take my mind off of my loneliness. I play video games, or listen to the unbelievably cringy depressing music that makes me numb inside. When it gets really bad and I can’t stand it, I go outside and find a remote part in my humongous yard, play some Chester Bennington, and cry until I get mad. Then I start pulling the soft clover from the ground and rip up fallen leaves. It helps and… just for a few minutes I’m no longer angry. I’m just…sad.
But the spring is different. In the spring, I’m here at school. There’s no peaceful beds of clover for me to unleash my wrath upon, there’s no crying into my sister’s shirt, there’s no blaring Linkin Park in my empty dorm. There’s only crying in my shower for hours playing quiet classical piano until my legs can no longer hold myself up. There’s only shielding people’s questions about prom plans because I can’t tell them that I don’t think I could survive watching them dance happily with loved ones. There’s only sitting alone at meals with my headphones in to mask my anxiety and sadness. There’s only skipping those mealtimes so I don’t feel so lonely in the crowds. There’s only me avoiding everyone who flocks to do school activities. There’s only friendships that don’t last and love that never blooms.
