Pretentious Food Reviews

Hello, my fellow bored human persons. (;

I have a lot of blog posts planned…so consider yourself warned. But, first, I want to call your attention to a pressing matter in our current reality. Before I reveal my jaw-dropping topic, however, I want to check in on everyone. Hello, how are you? Personally, I stand somewhere between stress and apathy, but I have hope that this will all end…sometime. I want fast food. I want to wander through Dirt Cheap. I want to drink overpriced coffee in a bookstore as I browse the shelves and stare longingly at ten-dollar novelty socks. Well, that made me sad. Anyway…

Oh, yes, my pressing topic: food. In this blog post, I am reviewing food. I would recommend leaving to preserve your sanity, but why not stay and torture yourself? Take me seriously when I say that I have crossed a line. Hearts will be broken, and stomachs will feel empty. Do not say that I failed to warn you.

And so we begin…

dun dun dun

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Hm, what should I—a certified food judging person—review first?

Yes.

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Pizza

(Viewer Discretion Advised: A whole lot of people are about to be offended.)

Why did I start with pizza? Well, it obviously has nothing to do with it being literally everywhere in America despite being Italian. Oh, what should we serve at a birthday party? Pizza. Class parties? Pizza. Get-togethers? Pizza. Probably even wedding receptions? Pizza.

Why? When did American society conspire together to agree upon this? I need answers.

I mean, sure, pizza is a pretty easy solution to the crisis of what food to serve a hungry, obnoxious crowd of extremely picky and unsatisfied people, but come on! Every single gathering?

Some pizza tastes golden, especially with soda. You have stuffed crust pizza, pizza that costs more than five dollars, different styles of pizza, supreme pizza, thin crust pizza, and pizza with topics other than pepperoni.

But the rest of pizza? The pizza that everyone buys in bulk for parties because of affordability? I have had so much of it that I am convinced that “hot and ready” refers only to the fire that consumes my hopes and dreams when I eat slices of pizza the temperature of desolation and despair. My taste buds have all died from the taste of cooked, stale, cardboard bread and desecrated tomatoes that have surrendered golden opportunities to have themselves massacred and squashed into the cardboard.

Dear, pizza, I apologize. I love you sometimes; you surprise me. But I despise eating you day after day out of frozen pizza boxes and “hot and ready” lies from a mockery of a Roman emperor.

To everyone deciding that I am an enemy, I eat pizza; I am not a snob. But my #tragic backstory featured so much pizza that I am desensitized to its deliciousness. Call me a coward, but, yes, I guess I have fallen asleep to the wondrous taste of pizza.

I would apologize, but the damage has already been done.

Rating: a black hole of sadness and despair

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Tacos

Hate me all you want, but I pity those that fail to see the undeniable beauty of tacos.

Thank you, creators of the lovely taco, I owe you all of my respect and acknowledgement.

(Tacos are better than pizza; sorry Italians.)

Although I am not of Hispanic heritage and blessed with the beautiful traditions of creating tacos, I know a thing or two about the essence of the taco.

Commercialized Tacos (Taco B*ll): 4/10…pretty good—especially for quantity over quality.

Normal Restaurants in America: 6.788800999/10

Fancy Restaurants in America: 10/10

Homemade Tacos Made by Clueless Americans: 10/10 (A+ for love, dedication, and doing whatever you want.

Guacamole, I love you. No, not you, store-bought guacamole. I mean the guacamole with the colors and flavors of life itself. I mean the guacamole with cilantro and citrus and avocados squashed with care. I love you with all of my heart.

Dear salsa, I love you too.

Dear tacos in general, you are my one, true love. I would sacrifice eating chicken nuggets for you.

Here is a love poem I wrote (it is an excerpt from a vignette titled “Love and Its Flavors):

 

On a blue plastic plate sits 

The reason for my heartbeat:

A crunchy corn shell 

Glimmering gold,

Encompassing an expanse

Of savory goodness. 

Ground beef,

A product of thirty minutes

Spent crumbling a

Cold slab of meat,

Glows with a tantalizing

Orange that owes its

Existence to a sauce packet.

Above this foundation of 

Flavor, a medley of crisp

Lettuce and tomatoes 

Contrast the saturated 

Protein, and all of the 

Colors and textures of

Salsa and guacamole dance

Beneath melted cheese.

 

This is a description of a basic taco, but keep in mind that I am not a taco amateur.

That aside, I have finished my appraisal of the existence of the taco.

Rating: what heaven tastes like

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Spaghetti

Not that I have pizza out of the way, I do not have anymore vehement words. But since I am a critic of prestige, I will venture into grey waters.

Oh, spaghetti. I am not sure how to feel about you. You are not my favorite pasta, but you surprise me sometimes. However, I am saddened when you take the form of merely noodles and tomato sauce. You need flavor and variety.

But most of all, I dislike chicken spaghetti. I am sure that an acceptable versions exist, but I have had some chicken spaghetti that had the taste and consistency of my eighth grade poetry. Blah.

Spaghetti, I accept you, especially when you are made with care. But I love tortellini.

Rating: a hearty thumbs up

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Potatoes

Every other food can go ahead and leave; we all know the true winner.

The best vegetable in the entire world: the potato. I mean, come on—baked potatoes, fries, mashed potatoes, you name it. Wow.

I love potatoes with all of my heart. If I could serenade one vegetable, it would be a potato. Because it is so modest and simple yet filled with so much opportunity.

I love mashed potatoes (gravy? sure).

I love baked potatoes, wow (unless I have only a meek plastic fork).

And most of all…I love french fries. Oh, thinking of fries makes my heart burst. I have not had a good fry in so long, so I believe that I am suffering from the side effects (heavy eyes, overcast spirit, blah blah blah).

But, yes, I love the potato.

Rating: a heart

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Honorable Mentions for “Eh” Food:

• Sloppy Joe’s (whatever the heck that monstrosity is)
• Repetitive chicken sandwiches (you know it)
• French fries that taste like twigs
• Really sad fast food burgers (not naming any names…)
• Leftovers when you have absolutely nothing in the refrigerator
• Some box dinners
• Really dry or burnt abominations

Honorable Mentions for “Thumbs Up” Food:

• Sushi
• Nachos
• Certain casseroles
• Key lime pie
• Lemon bars
• Reese’s
• Sherbet
• Cookies
• Lasagna
• Certain soups

Okay, that could continue forever, so I will go ahead and stop.

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So, I hope you enjoyed reading my incredibly biased ratings. I may or may not have another one of these, but I have a lot planned; we shall see.

In the mean time, I hope everyone is well and not too hungry.

When I am out of quarantine, I will savor every second spent eating in restaurants and buying groceries. I will never complain about L*ttle Caes*rs again because at least it is from the outside world, and that is a privilege in itself.

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Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Legend has it that the dreaded part three to a band blog lies on the horizon…(evil laughter cued)

Wash your hands or something…whatever the cool kids say these days (in case you did not already know to wash your hands).

peace out