I remember constantly being worried about how others felt about me. Whether I was funny, if my shoes were nice, or whether people thought I was the kindergarten equivalent to cool at that time. A five year old me was so worried about being accepted that I developed the habit of second guessing myself no matter what I did. If I thought someone else wouldn’t like it, I refused to continue. And that habit affected me in everything I did. The habit developed and got worse and it became my worst enemy when I started to write.
In middle school, I obsessed over writing novels and I had composition notebooks filled with different story ideas and starts to the novels I had in mind to write. I was inspired by so many authors like James Patters and Sarah Dessen. However, I didn’t write necessarily based on what I liked. Instead of just self-critiquing and figuring out what I wanted in it or out of it, I would consistently ask my classmates and teachers to read over it. I was in need of approval and a say-so from people. I had never thought about how I wanted the reader to feel or the general audience I was looking for. I just wanted it to seem good enough so that I could get a pat on the back and a well done.
So what if they didn’t like it? I’d throw away ideas that I had. Even if I got the approval that I wanted from those people, I would irrationally think of all the worst possible outcomes if I were to continue on with the work. That’s when I just gave up. Many pages that had brilliant ideas and great starting points were pushed aside and abandoned all because I second guessed myself and doubted my abilities.
As an artist, a part of our job and the future of it is, sometimes, based on people’s opinions about you. Given. However, there is a completely fine line between making your work okay for yourself and others and just making work specifically for everyone else and not giving yourself a chance to incorporate risky, original ideas. It’s not fair and you’re robbing yourself. Writing or any other art is based off of what you feel is right. It’s a form of self expression. Meaning it belongs to you and what is yours is yours.
Consistently wondering whether millions of people read or see what you’ve created can lead to so many hinderances. That’s where second guessing often occurs. You continue to throw out ideas and work that seemed perfect to you at first but just because a couple people didn’t enjoy it, you decided to throw it away. You shouldn’t throw away art that easily. Whether many people like it or just a handful of them do, what matters is if you feel content. Does it make you feel happy? Does it make you feel sad? Does it strike the intended audience the way you wanted it to? You are apart of that intended audience, regardless of if you realize it or not. Never second guess yourself if you feel in your heart that your work has served its purpose to you. Just continue to edit, push, and release.
