Klunk

Klunk

This month marks one year since my very close friend passed away in a texting and driving accident. I have been trying my absolute best to stay calm and positive, but as the fifteenth draws nearer, the memories become more and more painful to flashback to. I have been dreaming about him, crying about him in the shower or while I’m alone. It is getting more and more difficult to cope with.

Even worse, he was the main one I went to when I was in desperate need of a smile, a hug, a laugh, or just a distraction. I cannot distract myself from this. No, instead I keep spacing out and remembering the way he looked sitting on the dock of my pond with a fishing pole in hand and complaining about how the fish never bite at my house. I remember me always responding with a snarky response about how he was too loud, or how his face scared the fish away. I remember his exasperated gasps and hard chuckles. I am so confused as to how something could warm my being up so much but break my heart in a million pieces all at the same time.

The feeling doesn’t dissipate. It is so constant that I have zoned out of at least seventy percent of the conversations I have had thus far since the month began just to see his face in my mind, or maybe I couldn’t hear what was being said because his voice plays in my head like a song, a very loud and sad song. I feel like I’m letting this get to me to much because it is interfering with my ability to associate, which already is not very good. I am either rambling or spacing out, and I am scared that people are getting the wrong idea about me.

I have never been good at dealing with problems, and I have definitely never been “good” at grieving, if that is even something one can be good at. I want to simultaneously be alone and surrounded by people, to break down and be positive, and to be away from the memories and still remember. My mind is contradicting itself and controlling it is impossible, and it is running faster than my mouth ever could.

I just miss him. Honestly, I know that all of these emotions I am feeling are nothing more than misery. I am fully aware that eventually it won’t hurt so much, and I will be able to look back and smile at the memories, as I know he’d prefer, instead of cry. I have been through this process many times before. Still, I currently can not shake the ghost that is haunting my thoughts. That green eyed, big nosed all around country boy who loved everyone and anything no matter what they thought of him will never leave my head, and I do not want him to. I will forever smell his cologne, hear his laugh, see his smile, taste his name in my mouth, and feel his presence. He will become part of me and my every sense just as those who I have loved and lost before him. One day it will not be so painful. One day his engraved name on my heart will not sting, but he will be there. He will always be with me.

Klunk, if your spirit remains, I hope you see this, and I hope you’re free. This is for you. I love you my dear friend. Rest Easy.