I Blame The World

Sometimes, the world just was it out for you. I know I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. Sometimes the world just gets angry and needs someone to take it out on. It’s horrible because you start to question what you could have possibly done to make her (the world) so vengeful. Maybe she is heartbroken, and you happened to have waltz into one of her tears. Now you’re drowning, and there honestly seems to be no way out.

Now, I guess I have conjured up this idea because I need to blame something. I don’t want to blame you. Despite the fact that I should and that I need to, which everyone has been very vocal about, I just can’t find it in my self to hate you. Do you remember when I used to write you letters? Or that leather bracelet I gave you and you wore until it fell apart? That piece of toast I drew on your wall because you were sad and I wanted you to be able to look at something and smile? All of this was before we fell in love. Part of me wishes we could go back to then. The other part of me isn’t ready to let you go yet.

I can’t blame cancer either. I mean, if cancer was personified I would probably beat it with a steel pipe, but I can’t do that. I can’t really put my finger on cancer, yet along point at it. I can’t blame cystic fibrosis either, for the same reason. I’m sure cancer and CF didn’t get together one day and decide over tea that “hey, let’s kill Savannah’s friends a week apart.” No, I don’t imagine they know each other that well.

So I come back to you, and I want to scream and cry, but I feel like I’ve done too much of that already. I want to say I never want to talk to you again, but I would be lying. I want to say I don’t love you anymore, but that’s just not true. I can apologize to everyone that disappoints, but all of these tragic events have made me miss you more. I guess part of me wants to hold on to something.

I don’t blame you. I don’t blame cancer or cystic fibrosis. The world just has it out for me right now. Maybe I’m naïve, but that’s what I want to believe. I’m tired of asking you why you had to do this to me, so I will just blame the leaves and the grass and the air. I’ll get angry at the pink and purple sky. It’s easier to blame one thing for my problems rather than multiple different things. The world put all three of you here, so I feel justified. I can handle being mad at the world. That’s an easier pill to swallow than grieving… or being mad at you.