I have an unimaginable hatred for speaking. I don’t like the way words feel as they make their way up my throat. My ears ache when I have to hear my own voice for too long. It’s an odd thing to have to deal with because at some points of the day or the week I might feel like imputing on a conversation or voice an opinion of mine, but I don’t feel like it. Talking takes a lot of energy.
I once read a book about this girl who went so long without talking that her parents put her in a mental institution because they thought she was sick in the head. Psych doctors tried to trick her into speaking, but she had gone so long that she just didn’t need to. In her point of view, she explained how little talking people actually need to do. Her friends and parents could tell when she was upset just by the way she acted- no speaking required. Facial expressions conveyed when she was happy or sad or frustrated, etc… Anyway, at the end of the book they didn’t even get her to talk, she fell down the stairs or something and had to talk to doctors about the pain. I don’t really remember. I just know that in the end she did what she wanted to and was happy.
I don’t know how that correlates to me other than the fact that I’m afraid my mom will put me in some psych ward. I just don’t like speaking. It does make it hard to form relationships with people that don’t already know me or how I think, and that’s an unwanted side-effect.
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Another thing I can add is that I haven’t had a whole lot of inspiration for writing lately.
(as you can tell by this post)
I want to blame it on putting so much into the short story and play that we had to do for our nine-weeks test, but it’s probably just me being obnoxious to myself. I’m not really sure.
This post has no real meaning. I have nothing that needs to be said.
(no pun intended)
An update: Since making this draft I have differentiated my lack of speaking for, usually, not caring. I guess that should have been apparent from the beginning, but I like to be hard-headed, even against myself. I figured this out mostly by just being around a person(s) that I genuinely wanted to be around; I had so much to say to this person- things that I had thought I was comfortable keeping in my head, but I guess not.
We really don’t need to talk all that often. Animals only make sounds and use expressions and body movements and they get along just fine. Humans complicate everything. You also may need a break from writing to regain your creative juices.
This aspect of you has always confused me. I truly believe that you have many things that need to be said, despite you stating otherwise in this piece.
I love this and I appreciate what you do have to say.