12/11/17
I am sad and angry and I wish I had bigger words to use to explain my sadness and anger, but I feel like they’ll do just fine for all intents and purposes.
(4:46a.m) This is a simple reminder to myself that moving schools is hard and complicated. Life is hard and complicated.
My mind is running and wondering but my fingers can’t type fast enough or correctly enough to keep up. I feel like this happens to me a lot and that’s why I’m a more subdued person. My tongue never keeps up with the thoughts that run through my head, therefore it’s easier to be silent and just listen. Ponder all the things that are said and stock them away for later evaluation.
Lemonade is awake with me again. She has a fever. She can’t go home because she’s missed too many days. July is also awake because she’s afraid if she goes to sleep her heart will stop working. I suggested trying to turn it off and back on again. She declined.
The older I get the harder I realize life is, which is weird considering my life now if drastically more comfortable than it was when I was younger. Maybe I didn’t realize the things that were happening when I was little. Maybe they didn’t seem that bad because I didn’t see them at all.
Suppress, repress, success.
Maybe that’s not the best motto for getting through life. It’s worked so far. To an extent, I suppose. I’m not the most rounded person in the world, in terms of psychological health.
I’m on the floor now. Lemonade made me hot. She is cold. It’s the fever.
(4:58a.m)
I’m worried. People around me are unhappy and it’s worrisome because I have a ‘protect now, ask questions later’ kind of personality. I don’t know what to protect them from. Growing up? Getting older? Preservatives? Everything in between?
My brother got all of the competitive genes. He tells me the only competitive bone I have in my body is my pinky toe. I agree. My mom agrees. God has nodded his approval.
It makes it really hard to get involved any sort of sport, obviously. That’s why I’m Active, not Athletic. That’s why I run. I pretend that I’m physically and theoretically out-stepping my problems. And the cookies in my dorm room.
July has closed all tabs and is in the process of update and restart. Lemonade is on vine compilation number 7. The rug smells funny.
I need to stop doing this to myself intentionally . It wakes up my insomnia. He’s been hibernating for a few months now. I say ‘he’ because to cope with odd things that are for some reason hard to talk about, I give them names. My insomnia is a he and his name is Adam because every Adam that I have come into contact with is tiring and obnoxious. (Disregard if you know a pleasant Adam, I speak only from personal experience.)
Please do not judge me for this abnormal coping mechanism. I know it’s weird.
Some of the things I am writing right now will never see the light of anything but the notes on my phone. Isn’t that weird? There could be paragraphs that you don’t even realize you’re not reading.
These paragraphs are odd and probably incoherent with no point or plot or meaning. Merely my internal ramblings that I have no one to share with at the moment, if I would even share them at all.
Lemonade is rebooting. I hope that if, and when, I attempt to post this as a blog it won’t seem like terrible writing, even though that’s exactly what it is.
One day I’ll be able to talk about un-talked about things without being self-conscious. I’ll take a page out of Jackson’s book and be honest with someone, maybe even the whole blog, about what I think and feel. But feelings are a new and foreign thing for me. I say that not to sound ‘edgy’ or ‘cool’ but because I’m learning what you call ‘emotional range’ and like Adam, it’s exhausting. (5:25a.m)
I might try to sleep now. My eyes and head hurt. Geometry is gonna suck. I want to call my grandma. (5:35a.m)
I am just remembering now that I have made the probably bad decision to text not one, but four people things that I will probably not regret in the morning.
(6:02a.m)
I’m definitely calling my grandma tomorrow- today.
This post was really different and interesting. The way you complied your thoughts into hours was really cool. I related to the fact that I ramble so often on my phone that I have pages of late-night notes no one will ever read. This post was really thought-provoking and I liked everything about it. It has a nice flow from thought to thought. I also really enjoy that you name things that don’t have names 🙂
You did a really great job of capturing a specific state of mind and making the reader feel everything that you describe. I related too much to this, and I envy you’re ability to share your late night ramblings. I end up deleting most of mine in the morning despite knowing that I could work it into something worth having with some time just because I hate it so much in its raw form.
This is really cool writing. I haven’t read a lot of your work, just a few poems, but I really like this. I know it’s nighttime thoughts and there is a seriousness and weight to them, but there’s also a carelessness to the writing. Like, well, whatever happens happens. Then beside it there might actually be a concern for what will happen. I don’t know man, there’s a lot of thoughts, feelings, and lack of feelings. It’s really cool, though. Good job dude!
I love you immensely, I love your writing immensely (when it is not forced). You have such a beautiful way of stating simple things, surrounding the ordinary with this little “Charlotte” bubble. It is amazing to read and listen to, keep working, man.
I love this so much. I love the changing of names and the creating of personality of your insomnia. I also love the honesty and openess. The references are great and so is the mentioning of your grandma. I love mine so much and feel you relate to this.
This is so deeply personal and I feel it in my entire body and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that
I don’t think i can describe how much i like this. For one thank you for sharing your emotions to us and for another thing i’m really happy i’m not the only one that gives my problems or emotions names . But i understood everything in this and this hit me on some sort of spiritual level i can feel this deep in my core and i’m really happy that this exist and that you exist for writing this and i hope things get better and easier to say and do and be because the world is a odd mixed up place and i wish you the best in forming it to your own thing, best of luck.