Sometimes I think about my future. I know that I will try to be a writer, but I also know that what I write is not what has been traditionally popular. I’m afraid that I’ll try to be a writer but will never be successful because of what I write about. My favorite band is probably the Beach Boys, and my favorite album of theirs is Pet Sounds. Pet Sounds is a near masterpiece, and I love every song on it. Critics have said from its release that the album was incredible. Despite being called nearly perfect, it sold far less than Brian Wilson had hoped. One reason for this is that the music was entirely different from anything that had come before it; it was even vastly different from the other music the Beach Boys had previously made. I feel like that might be what happens with me, but I won’t even be called great by few and retrospectively called a genius. I feel like I’ll just be buried. I know for a fact that I cannot change who I am as an artist. I know that I will never sacrifice my artistic integrity for money. My art is what is most important to me. If I had money, I’d use it to fund my art. I would not make art that does not represent myself to just to get money that I’d spend to continuously make things that I don’t care about. I know that this is not the kind of philosophy that someone that wants to be a successful writer in this time should have, but I cannot change that about myself because it is so much of who I am as a person. Maybe I’m lying to myself. Maybe I’m making art that I know won’t be popular on purpose. Maybe I’m building a wall. Maybe I just want to be able to say, “Oh, that was never supposed to be popular,” so that when my art never becomes popular, I can have something to blame it on, so I won’t have to take responsibility or say that I failed to make something good. I’ve been depressed lately, and I don’t really know why. I’ve just gotten to a point where if I were somebody else and I met myself, I don’t think I’d like me. I don’t know how to change this person that I am or if I should or if I just don’t want to.
Sometimes change is necessary, but there are also times when it’s not. Jackson, I’ve read your work. Not at lot, but enough that I feel like I have a good sense of your style and voice. What you write is very profound and thought-provoking, and you accomplish all this in a minimalist manner. Your sentences are short bu they say so much. I understand self-doubt. I have it all the time. And when I imagine people not liking my work, I just think that’s only one person. Or one group. Or maybe an entire state of people. But there are other people. Other groups. Other states. Maybe “one person” may not like your writing and that’s okay. But I know others will, myself included.
wow, this makes me pretty sad because i love you and your writing so much and i know for a fact everyone else does as well. i wish there was some other way than just telling you but showing you how enjoyable and enticing it is to read your work. <3
i always look for your posts on wednesdays and i always love reading them. self-doubt is something i don’t think writers can ever truly escape; there will always be that little voice in the back of our heads that makes us feel inadequate. there will always be a voice that tells us that we aren’t good enough, but i promise you there so many more voices outside of our heads that love what we do, love what YOU do. writing is so hard because every piece holds a piece of ourselves, even if the piece is as impersonal as we can make it, and we’re scared of how others will react to that little part of us that permeates every word on the page. i love your writing, and while i can’t make that doubt go away, i can tell you i love your writing until my voice goes out because i really do mean it, and there’s a whole world of people out there in this world that mean it too.