i had a rough week. monday started off with missing assignments, then ended with a write-up from the person i never thought would do it. tuesday was when the realization (or anxiety, i’m still not sure) set in that i don’t spend enough time with certain friends, but not by my own accord.
i lost a few people that night, and it was all downhill from there. i laid in my friend’s bed, sobbing, for almost an hour and a half that night. had we not been assigned a curfew, i likely would have stayed there all night.
wednesday, i didn’t really have the energy to do anything. one of my closest friends came up to give me a hug in the morning, and i broke down in tears.
thursday, i had a great day – fantastic, even – i was on top of the world, i was walking with my shoes clicking against the concrete, and i was wearing the red leather jacket i hadn’t had the heart to pull out of my wardrobe yet this year.
thursday evening, i took a walmart trip with three friends. on the way there, the driver let me play every single song on my sad playlist. that little indie girl who despises the sound of a southern drawl let me play “you promised” by brantley gilbert at the highest volume, and the girl in the back seat had absolutely no problem with my tears collecting in a pool on her jeans. when we finally got to walmart, i spent every dollar i couldn’t afford that was in my bank account, and i regret not one second of it. someone else pushed the cart and i stocked up on comfort items and school supplies. i bought $50 worth of food that i knew i wouldn’t eat and $15 on an overpriced valentine’s day stuffed sloth. i named him buddy.
thursday night, i crashed. it was like… thomas rhett “crash and burn” type situation; when i went down, my entire world came down with me. i hadn’t showered in three days, my hair looked like it could be invaded by the US military at any given moment, and i’d taken care of my scent, but that doesn’t mean that i was clean. two of my friends pulled me onto the tile floor of my bathroom, locked me inside without my phone, and stayed there with me until i took a shower. one of them offered to wash my hair.
she looked at me in the eyes and said, “we’re not doing this because we feel bad for you or whatever else, we’re doing this because we love you,”
and that was the exact moment i smeared my mascara-stained tears off of my face, then uncrossed my legs and picked myself up from the bathroom floor. it wasn’t until later that i found out i hadn’t completely rinsed out the shampoo from my hair, so it was dry right behind my ears for the next little bit of time.
friday, my brother came to pick me up early from school. we stopped by the gas station near school, so i picked up a stick of beef jerky. i only ate half of it. a few friends from my old school offered to stay with me that night, as did a few from further north. it was 1:28am when my friend offered to make a 3 hour drive just to make sure i was okay.
sunday, i came back to school, and everything was better than we’d left it.
on tuesday, my friends offered to bring their stuffed animal to class with them. i had mentioned that i wanted to, and they stepped up so i wouldn’t be alone in my endeavor. it was a small gesture, and it still means so much.
i tell this story from the perspective of a girl with anxiety, but one with such good friends that she’s slowly letting her guard down, and trusting that they have her best interest at heart. it takes a lot of love to separate a person from their anxiety, nearly impossible, but some incredible people have made it happen, and i am eternally grateful.
