hello, blog, and hello, 2023! this month’s blog is something kind of silly, but inspiration struck me for it, and i knew it’d be fun to write! i’m going to be discussing the latest horror sensation, m3gan, and what other villains i think she could defeat.
yesterday, i watched m3gan for the first time in a theatre, and it was one of the best movie experiences i’ve had in a while. i won’t spoil anything here, but i’ll say that even though it was undeniably unsettling and creepy, i haven’t laughed as hard as i did watching that in a long, long time. i mean, you know a movie is good if your friend has to get up and leave the room because they’re laughing so hard.
despite the comedic moments, at the end of the day, m3gan is no doubt a stone-cold killer. she’s extremely durable and strong and is equipped with limitless intelligence. this led me to think about what makes a horror villain truly effective like she is. eventually, the formula for this blog came together–i thought of my favorite horror villains and chose to decide if i think they could defeat her in a hypothetical fight! of course, this is in no particular order.
michael myers from halloween
one of my favorite horror movies is halloween, and there’s no denying that michael myers is one of the coolest, most dangerous villains ever. he’s very large and incredibly strong. once you’re in his grasp, there’s really no chance of survival. he’s essentially a killing machine with no compassion. so, why do i think that a 4 foot robot doll could take him down?
one word–intelligence. admittedly, if michael surprise-attacked m3gan, he could likely give her a run for her money, but the likelihood of that happening is really slim. because of her artificial intelligence, nothing really gets past her. she could even use her short stature to her own advantage and knock michael down. once she does that, it’s over for him. those robotic hands can move like lightning–and if she has a weapon, michael stands no chance at all.
turns out, what haddonfield police really needed to take down michael myers was a children’s toy.
m3gan’s chance of success: 8/10
pennywise from it
this classic horror clown has terrified readers and audiences for years with his creepy looks and affinity for violence. he mainly targets the kids of derry, which makes it easy for him to overpower his victims. in this case, however, that’s exactly what would lead to his demise.
m3gan dolls are designed to be a friend and protector for whatever child they belong to, and they have been known to take out anyone who harms that child. so, if pennywise ever decided to set his sights on a kid with a m3gan doll…his career and life would be swiftly ended, i believe.
in this case, i think the main weapon m3gan would be able to use wouldn’t necessarily be her physical strength or intelligence. i think she’d rely more on her ability to communicate and her lack of fear.
as the losers club learns later in life, pennywise’s most primal need is fear, and his most vulnerable weakness is ridicule. the less you fear him, and the more you mock him, the less power he has, until he eventually crumbles. m3gan is gifted with the ability to absolutely verbally drag people that she doesn’t like. give her five minutes alone with pennywise, and he’ll be nothing more than a puddle of watery clown makeup.
m3gan’s chance of success: 9/10
annie wilkes from misery
my favorite stephen king novel, and one of my favorite movies of his! i think that annie is a brilliantly written villain, and she’s horrifying in her own special way. however, much of her evil doings do depend on the vulnerability of her victims. as a nurse, she had access to sick and injured patients, and with paul sheldon, he was bedridden. if she had an active…lively opponent like m3gan, i think she’d be easily defeated.
honestly, i could see annie having a m3gan doll purely for her own entertainment. she’s a lonely person, and i think having someone to always listen and obey her orders would be right up her alley. if anything ever went sideways, though, getting rid of annie would be child’s play for m3gan. (yes, i did that on purpose.)
she could pretty much just use her physical strength and durability to fight annie. i doubt annie would be able to do much damage to m3gan or defend herself well.
m3gan’s chance of success: 10/10
norman bates from psycho
there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that miss m3gan could obliterate norman bates in any context. now, norman is definitely creepy, and i’d never want to meet him in a dark alley; but i definitely don’t consider him to be a particularly brilliant or effective villain in the practical sense. he did some horrible things, but he is just so very vulnerable and weak. his ego hangs by a string on the verge of tearing, and his track record with women is so dismal that it causes him to resent them to the point of dreadful awkwardness.
m3gan could do no more than make one of her passive aggressive comments, and he’d probably perish on the spot. however, all the rest of her attributes would also guarantee her victory. she’s capable of overpowering him intellectually, physically, emotionally, and probably even spiritually if it came to that. he does not have a singular chance, in this life or the next, of escaping or surviving m3gan’s wrath.
m3gan’s chance of success: 10/10
esther from orphan
i just recently saw orphan and its sequel for the first time, and i’m obsessed. esther is one of the most interesting villains to me, and upon seeing m3gan for the first time, i couldn’t help but wonder who would win in a brawl. this presents an interesting scenario because the chances of esther and m3gan being paired together are actually pretty high. i can definitely see a situation where a family gets a m3gan doll for esther. i think that they’d be onto each other’s bad behavior, and it would lead to an epic showdown.
though, esther is extremely intelligent, m3gan’s intelligence is literally unlimited. she can outsmart her easily. they’re about the same size, but m3gan’s machinery would do a number on esther. once again, m3gan’s got it in the bag.
m3gan’s chance of success: 8.5/10
thanks for reading this silly blog, and have a good new year!