Month: September 2018

Recently, there have been things that ave truly brought me back to my true self. Coming here, I feel as if I’ve lost the persona that I used to have. But there are some moments, when that really make me feel that way again. Feel like I’m the girl I was without acting.

Right now, I’m feeling like myself because of a song. I just found it, but oh my goodness I’m in love with it. It’s just one of those feel good type songs. It’s called “Dance in the Living Room” by NVTHVN. Please, give it a listen!

I keep revisiting this song, just because it makes me feel like myself again.

Over this past month, I truly just haven’t felt like myself. I’ve felt like a fake. Like I’ve got this fake persona. Not saying that I’m two faced, but more of that I’ve been showing a new personality, possibly because of my new environment?

Let me explain. I’ve noticed that my ditzy-ness has been, enhanced. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been a lil’ bit of an airhead. One of my friends, Hannah, has a whole list of dumb things I’ve said. I wish I could find it, but the picture has been lost in the mix sometime since Freshman year. I’ve only been able to salvage a couple of them. 

The list includes:

“I’m sorry I don’t have my glasses on I can’t hear you.”

“I measure all my events from when the Titanic happened.”

“I can see words.”

See? But since being here, it’s been real bad. Not in the sense that I’ve been saying an abundance more of dumb things, but more of my tone and characteristics? I just feel so childish in my tone of talk. I swear my voice has raised about 5 octaves since being hereSom.

I just feel like I’m missing the sarcastic, quippy side of me. Maybe I’ve dropped this in fear of coming off as mean or unapproachable, but I’m afraid I’ve morphed myself into someone that.

It’s funny that my outward being has become so sickly sweet, because my inner dialogue has gotten darker? Or rather it has slowed down.

The best comparison of how my brain used to be, was like Dug, the dog from UP (AKA a cinematic masterpiece.) What I mean by this, is my brain used to be so scattered, but in the best way possible. It’s how I was able to function.

Now my brain is a rock. I hardly feel like I can form coherent inner thoughts. It’s so odd and foreign. Most people would love to be thoughtless, but I just feel dull. But at least I have the feel good things. 

Sometimes it’s songs, but it can be people, outfits, places, etc. It just depends where I am at my life. 

Feel good things are only temporary. I can’t have something or someone to depend on my happiness at all times. 

That’s the downside of having feel good things. 

People ask me why I chose literary. I got accepted into Literary, Visual, and Theater, so why did I go with Lit?

I hate to say the real reason. People would most definitly question my life choices for it. So I always make something up.

“Ah, I just felt literary was my calling.”

“I heard that class is the most fun.”

“They get lots of fun opportunities.”

In reality, I went with literary, because I thought it would turn me into my favorite anime character. Toko Fukawa.

It all began when I started playing Danganronpa: trigger happy havoc back in 2016. It led to an obsession. I could tell you all the characters from all the games, their talents, and how long they stay a character in the series.

So, naturally, as Kerri Bland, I cosplayed her. This is when I began to notice the similarities between us. She had long brown hair like mine, which she always wore tied back or in braids. she had a beauty mark next to her mouth. she wore tall white socks. Our birthday was only a day apart.  she thinks everyone hates her, even if they don’t. she hates blood and ghosts. At first, I thought it was so weird I had found a character so similar to me.

Then, there were the parts of her that would soon be relatable. Toko was a student at a school for Teens who were the best at what they do. Thus, she was known as the Ultimate Writing Prodigy.

So, then I began applying to MSA. I was ready to get away from my unaccepting school. that was the main thing. however, in the back of my mind, I had the thought of becoming the living version of Toko Fukawa.

So, in 2017, I sent in my cosplay to the publishers of the manga series, along with a note that told of why toko was so special to me.

They responded.

It was something I didn’t expect to happen. receiving something back from them was like receiving an autograph from a celebrity. attached was a note that read:

Dear Kerri,

Thank you so much for your letter and cosplay photos! I just got news today that the Danganronpa manga is being reprinted, which is great because it means that even more new people are getting into it ^_^

We haven’t officially announced it yet, but in 2018 we (that is, Dark Horse Manga), will be releasing a new manga in the series, this time based on the second game, Super Danganronpa 2. So we’ll look forward to printing your contribution inside one of the volumes of the new series.

Have a happy new year,
Carl Horn
Editor

Not only did they send me that, but they also sent the book cover before it was even available to the public.

I thought that was a sign to become a literary like Toko.

And then more signs came.

While at a convention in my toko cosplay (her scissors are v important to her crazier self), I heard a voice that sounded oddly familiar. Like, ODDLY familiar. Josh Grelle. Big deal Josh Grelle. Yuri from Y.O.I., Armin frrom A.O.T., Tokoyami in M.H.A. Most importantly, the voice actor for Toko’s in-game love interest (who doesnt quite return her feelings) Byakuya Togami . He recited a few of his lines, and I DIED.

I

D I E D

literally, after that, I screeched for the rest of the day.

He ended up taking a picture of me and sending it to Tokos voice actress. Who, Incidentally, I met the very next weekend.

Yes, the legendary Amanda Miller. you may recognize her as Sailor Jupiter, Junko Enoshima, Boruto, and, of course, Toko Fukawa.

The first thing she did when she saw me was run up to me, grab my hair, and exclaim, “Oh My God is this real!?”

She was very funny. We had a full on conversation about our favorite characters from literally everything. I told her I had been trying out for this school, and was supposed to get a letter soon to see if I’d gotten in. Then, I got her autograph.

In this, she congratulated me for something I wasn’t even sure I had gotten into. Though, I guess she saw my determination. So, thanks Amanda Miller. She also references Byakuya Togami, who she knew I had met just the week before.

Overall, this big situation inspired me to be the most anime I could be.

Yep, that’s why I picked Literary.

Anime.

Lately my mind has been running wild. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know what I need.  Everything in me wants what I need to be him, but I know it’s not. I’m tired of being treated like dirt, I’m tired of forgiving him, I’m tired of encouraging him to be better when he won’t even listen.

My words don’t matter to him and I have to accept that. I’m not this thing that he can play with anymore. I am a person. I need to learn how to love myself more than I ever loved him. I know that I can do that. Eventually. Right now is just so hard.

I can’t force him to change, I can’t make him “better” and my thinking that is nothing short of naïve. I guess the reason why I can’t stop hurting is because I gave so much to him. I gave him everything. Yet, because of all this, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I know I seem dramatic and immature, but he was my first love. He keeps coming back and messing with my head over and over and I never seem to learn my lesson. I know I have to be strong. I have to cut him off. I have to stop.

I just hate this feeling and I’m ready for it to go away. I hope one day I have someone who appreciates me and loves me as much as I love them. And if I don’t get that, I just hope that I can learn how to truly love myself and not have this need to have another person tell me my worth.

 

There is a reason behind my isolation. I never sleep easy because I am afraid of the next broken friendship. Tears, falling like rain– because I see the broken promises running away, one by one.  A lot of people may not cherish the bonds that are established between them and others, but I do. I pay it much attention. When in all reality, it could be anyone of us to go at any moment and we will be stuck with that last negative thought. We live in a world where popularity over rules authenticity. Although I do not like this, I cannot be the only one to change it. But, what I can change is who I associate myself with. So, from this point on, my focus is thriving mentally, physically, and emotionally. I will no longer make time for the incapabilities of those who do not wish to not give up on our friendship when times get rough. I am not asking a lot of people when it comes to friendships because they are a give and take, just like a romantic relationship. With this new environment, comes new responsibilities. I refuse to surrender myself to negativity. I have to work harder in all aspects of my life. With that, I must have people on my side who are understanding of that and are willing to do the same. I want people around me who are all going for the same goal. That goal is to become better, at everything. I have allowed too many people to alter my mind, negatively, throughout the past couple of years. I have not been as vocal as I used to be about it, but those days are over.  I am ready to take on every challenge and implement God every step of the way. If you are in for the long run, ready, set, let’s go! If not, it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for your time and your lessons. May God forever bless you and your family.

This weekend was so carbonated. My mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend all teamed up and threw me a surprise birthday party. It was the sweetest thing. I knew about it the entire time, but its just the fact that they put the effort in to do something special for me.

Some of my friends from my old school came. That was a big surprise. It was hilarious when I went to walk into my room, and he walked out, looked right at me, turned back into my room, and slammed my door in my face. Apparently, I had gifts and people in my room. That includes my boyfriend and my cousin.

When the twins from South Pike showed up (Neveah and Destiny) I was blown away. I hadn’t seen them in a good four months, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed them. My best friend was in charge of the guest list, and I’m really grateful she went to the extent of bringing people she knew I would want to see.

My big brother came with his fiancé. He was just as annoying and embarrassing as usual, but I just let it happen. I never see the idiot anymore, and I suppose I miss the rough-housing a little bit. To top it off, he got me a polaroid camera! I was so freaking happy. I have been wanting one for ages now. I barely see him, yet he still knew what to get me.

My future step dad’s family came. His mother gave me a plague that she painted a feather pen on to symbolize my writing. He gave me a beautiful necklace with my name engraved on it. It was all so thoughtful, and I am so grateful.

My best friend showed me how much she really knows me. she bought me a pair of unicorn slippers and a cacti covered wallet. It was so sweet. I had mentioned my want for the two items to her before, but she took it to new extent and really showed me how much she pays attention.

It was a great party, and I truly enjoyed myself. I love everyone who came, and I am forever grateful to my mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend for going through all that trouble and caring for me so much that they’d do this for me. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.

It is dark, it is late. My heart cannot be replaced. My smile, it is fake. The clothes are a cover. A cover for a love that I cannot get over. I am hurt, mentally and emotionally. I will never shed a tear about it though. Because besides the hurt and the anger you’ve brought into my life, I still love you. Yes, I’m unhappy. But, I guess this will just make me tougher. But where do broken hearts go? I wish I knew.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do now want to be on a love high, but I do now want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

My days are sunny now, but I know I will not be feeling like this much longer. See, it is gone already. Normally, when I am in an okay place, just thinking of the actions you have taken to change my life, and not for the better, infuriates me. That is why I wrote this. The craziness, I don’t need it. My heart is filled with grief. The hurt is still there. My love and kindness, you’ll never find again. No one could EVER compare. Where do broken hearts go? I wish I knew.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do not want to be on a love high, but I do not want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

I honestly thought I would find that happiness with you. Well, you would be a great actor because you had me fooled as if you would love me forever. I wonder who it was that convinced you that they would be a better companion to you than I would. I would love to meet them. I cannot be that upset though because that just shows your ignorance. You would rather live your life entertaining someone who would make you feel good, in that moment, rather than love someone who would love and/or worship the ground you walk on. I will never understand.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do not want to be on a love high, but I do not want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

 

I feel like I’m falling to pieces.

I miss him, though I know I don’t need him.

Forcing myself to not text him

Or talk to him

Or think of him

Has proven itself harder than anything I’ve ever done.

I think what hurts the most

Is that losing me hasn’t hurt him

Or at least, it hasn’t yet.

I’m so tired of crying.

I’m so tired of this brick in my chest.

I can’t make any of it go away.

He was my world

And now he’s just gone,

Like he was never there to begin with.

And now I feel like I’m not good enough

And I wonder what makes her better than me.

Is it her laugh?

Her weight?

Do her eyes shine brighter than mine?

I don’t know.

All I know is

Is that this hurts

And that I want to go a little crazy.

Kiss so many different guys that I can’t even remember your name.

I’m ready for this to be over.

 

Over the summer, I made it a point to read as much as I could. I had a goal in mind before I started school: to read some of Shakespeare’s most popular works. I bought about five of his plays from Amazon; specifically, I read the SparkNotes’ “No Fear Shakespeare” versions (if you want to read Shakespeare and have a hard time understanding the language, I highly recommend this, because it puts an easy-to-read translation of the original text right beside each other, and you don’t have to spend fifteen minutes trying to understand what each word means).

I read Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, and Much Ado About Nothing. My expectations for these plays were low: I didn’t expect myself to be able to understand what was happening the first time I read through them. However, I ended up exceeding my expectations. I enjoyed reading these plays, and I was quickly able to understand them entirely.

I read most of these plays while I was on a mission trip to Honduras, because I had a lot of time to read when I wasn’t doing bible school or doing a water run to one of the nearby villages. And just like that, I was enraptured by the worlds that these plays contained. I often found myself whisked away so much that I would sometimes miss the call that dinner was ready until someone pulled me away.

My favorite, by far, was Hamlet. I know that sounds like a somewhat stereotypical thing to say, but it’s the complete truth of the matter. My mind was enraptured by the story. I made it a point to myself to try to memorize his “To be, or not to be” monologue- I never succeeded, but I got pretty far.

I started to find that, over time, those plays gave me a new outlook on my creative nature. They turned on the creative switch in my mind, and I was all for it. I wrote as much as I could in that week, and I found myself making some pretty decent progress in my world-building efforts. Through these hundred year old stories, I found a new spark of energy.

I think I’ll keep reading more and more of his works. Maybe I can read some of the historical plays, or find more of his comedies. I feel like his words would definitely help as I go on this journey to find my true creative spark- but a little boost from Shakespeare wouldn’t hurt.

Those late, summer nights,

have always given me the best memories.

We’d sneak out and go to a field,

just watching the stars,

talking all night long.

You’d tell me about you’re movie star dreams,

And your mile long bucket list.

Your car always smelled like pizza,

It made sense because you worked a summer job at Papa John’s.

I miss getting free bread sticks,

and listening your bizarre stories about your co-workers.

I loved those nights the most,

when we would eat out at Waffle House,

because it was the only place open in our old farm town.

Remember when we saw my mom’s best friend there,

and had to leave before she recognized us?

That was so funny,

now that I’m looking back on it.

We got so scared even though she probably wouldn’t have cared.

Oh, and the cliche walks on the beach.

How huge of a crush I had on you,

Just wondering if you felt the same for me.

When you held me close,

you smelled like a fresh cappuccino,

waiting on my marble kitchen counter.

It made me feel secure and protected,

from the breathtaking darkness around us.

I remember the night time crickets,

would attempt to hoodwink our perfect nights.

We were smart enough to not let them phase us,

but dumb enough to let them get a scare out of us.

We knew if our parents ever found out where we were,

we would be forever looked down on.

Forever chastised.

I’d be forced to never see you again,

but we would just go through the same routine,

we’ve been doing for months.

But like any great love fling,

they all die.

Our love was thrown in the gutter,

with the rest of the summer lovers.

Looking back, those nights were so wicked.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,

and screaming out the window at the top of our lungs.

I know I don’t see you now,

and I want you to know I’m doing quite swell.

Just remember to swing around the back way to my house,

when the summer nights revolve around us again.

All I really want to do right now is sleep, read, and listen to music. I’m in such a blank mood right now, I can barely think. I left my earbuds back in my dorm, so I can’t focus on that while typing. I nearly froze to death in my first block this morning. At this point, I just want to sleep. I messed up and didn’t sleep until two in the morning, so I’m running on four hours of sleep, which is what I’m normally accustomed to, but it’s different here.  During the summer, I stayed up until at least 3 every night, but now I’ve been going to be around 12 or 1 so I’m slowly getting used to sleeping for at least five hours over four. Boy, does that one hour make a difference. I crashed during first block, so I’ll probably take a nap during fifth block. But that’d just lead to another night of scrolling through Instagram on my phone until two. It becomes a cycle, an annoying one. 

Sleep sounds good right now, but can’t exactly sleep in class unless I want to fail so… Guess I’ll just force myself to stay up then. I need my own personal Mr. Sandman. Just so I can sleep at night. Nothing keeps me up except the quiet and overactive thoughts. I’ve tried to look up some ways to remedy that, but they haven’t worked for me yet. So I’ll just stay up on my phone until I pass out while texting a friend or while reading. 

At one point, I couldn’t go to bed without music playing, and not classical music or anything labelled as ‘sleep music.’ I would listen to pop or rock music instead, and often times, I could hear the songs in my dreams. I vaguely remember having a dream about Cody Simpson singing “Pretty Brown Eyes” because that’s what was playing on the music channel. I’ve graduated from listening to music to just playing around on my phone until I conk out for the night. That’s probably not a good tactic honestly, but it works for now, I guess.  

On the topic of sleep (or rather lack of), one of my favorite bands, Set It Off, has a song called “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead.” When I listen to it, the song feels like it’s about insomnia. A man just pacing back and forth in his room as the world around him sleeps. Of course, a big clue of what the song’s about is probably when the singer says “All insomniacs please raise your right hand, and kindly repeat after me: ‘I guess I’ll sleep when I am dead!” But you don’t get to that part for a while, so you have to draw your own conclusion. Anyways, because of that song, I actually started a story called Insomnia, but it’s not about true insomnia. I’ll have to work on that some. That’ll be my goal for today, but that’s all I have to say for now. Ciao!