Confusion

Lately my mind has been running wild. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know what I need.  Everything in me wants what I need to be him, but I know it’s not. I’m tired of being treated like dirt, I’m tired of forgiving him, I’m tired of encouraging him to be better when he won’t even listen.

My words don’t matter to him and I have to accept that. I’m not this thing that he can play with anymore. I am a person. I need to learn how to love myself more than I ever loved him. I know that I can do that. Eventually. Right now is just so hard.

I can’t force him to change, I can’t make him “better” and my thinking that is nothing short of naïve. I guess the reason why I can’t stop hurting is because I gave so much to him. I gave him everything. Yet, because of all this, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I know I seem dramatic and immature, but he was my first love. He keeps coming back and messing with my head over and over and I never seem to learn my lesson. I know I have to be strong. I have to cut him off. I have to stop.

I just hate this feeling and I’m ready for it to go away. I hope one day I have someone who appreciates me and loves me as much as I love them. And if I don’t get that, I just hope that I can learn how to truly love myself and not have this need to have another person tell me my worth.

Author: Chloe Russell

Life is strange and people are complicated, and that is why I love to write. View all posts by Chloe Russell