Month: February 2019

I’ve been in the weirdest state lately. I think I’ve reached a point where I’m so stressed that I don’t even think I’m stressed. I know that sounds stupid, but I think it’s like I’m building an immunity to stress or something. If I’m being honest, I think it’s because of my extracurricular activities combined with my classes. I’m worried about ensemble because I don’t really have time to practice my trombone, so I just continue to get worse at it. Any time I do have, I dedicate it to getting Malone’s packets done because if I don’t, they’ll never be completed. Last week, I was so dead to the world because of deadlines for literary and from working on the history packets, that I lost all motivation I had to work on my short fiction assignment. But as a little spark of positivity, the first draft will be so bad that the second draft will look like a masterpiece. I have the basic plot set up for it, but I just don’t have the time to really dig into it like I want to. If I ever find downtime, I’ll try to work on it then and continue to improve it. I know it would be a good story (and I’m not tooting my own horn here), but it would only be good if I can manage to work on it.  

Also, to deal with this stress, I’m currently listening to “Colourblind” by Hands Like Houses on repeat. It’s a great song that just makes me so flipping happy. Maybe it’ll motivate me to get stuff done. I recommend that everyone listen to the song. 

So we had to write a “I believe” lil blurb about something we believe in. We are now (by the time this is posted I’ll be finished) turning into a play. This whole thing was kind of based on my grandparent’s and their love, because it honestly was something I look up to a lot. It showed me that love doesn’t have to be this cliche thing and love doesn’t have to be romantically or even for people at all.  And that’s what the play is about.  Anyways, here is this statement. Here’s my TedTalk :))))))))

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I believe that physical closeness does not define love. People madly in love can simply co-exist. Being attached at the hip, does not equal deepness of said relationships. Stable relationships can be rooted in mutual understanding, maturity, shared beliefs and passions, etc. A couple can sleep in separate beds and lead separate lives, and still come together at the end of the day and love each other. This is not to say though, that relationships should be without affection. It can be as small as a kiss on the head before bed. I also believe that to show love, one doesn’t need grand gestures. It can range from watching their favorite television shows to remembering how they like a certain food prepared. “I love you” is not a word; it’s an action. Love shifting from something new and exciting to domestic life doesn’t mean it’s weathered either. Growing older just means you have to shift the focus on love and how it is expressed. There is a fine line between a love-less marriage, and a matured one. It takes a self-aware couple to realize this. Marriages fail because of many different reasons. The two participants need to know the difference between love and infatuation. To love someone, you don’t always have to like them. You stick with them through thick and thin because you care for them, and you want it to work. It’s a team effort. Infatuation is quick and short lived. Some people spend their whole lifetimes trying to discern the difference between the two. Some spend their entire marriage not knowing. Sometimes it’s not that clear. To love someone truly, you try your hardest to make it work. Through anything and everything. If you give up, you don’t truly love them. If it fails despite all your efforts, you still love them. Sometimes it’s the right person wrong time. Sometimes it’s the right time wrong person. Sometimes it’s the wrong time wrong person. But each person is a lesson. Lesson of self-worth. A teaching moment of how to treat others. Maybe even just for fun. For comfort. Love doesn’t even have to be for a person. It can be for a place, a thing, an animal, anything. You can be heartbroken from things other than people. Your favorite restaurant gets shut down; they no longer make your favorite night time snack; you had to put your dog down. Those are all heartbreaking things. Love can be with a person but doesn’t have to. It’s amazing to get to spend your life with a companion, but it can still be filled with love and fulfillment in the absence of that. Love is something that should be cherished.  I believe that love is everywhere, and that is defined and not defined by a myriad of different things. Love is ever changing and ever personalized to each individual person and experience.

 

Undertale, an indie game made by Toby Fox, was released in 2015, and quickly skyrocketed from an obscure game into a staple of internet culture. This game, though criticized by some for it’s rudamentary graphics and lackluster story, actually has a deeper plot behind the veil of such a simple game.

In the similar vein of such games like Doki Doki Literature Club, Undertale brings a new meaning of “meta” to the table. Early on, you learn the mechanics of the game and the different actions you can take: you can choose to be a pacifist, using your actions to placate the monsters you encounter and leave them unharmed; you can pick and choose who you kill and who you spare, leading to different ending with different characters; or you can choose to completely wipe out the entire underground, slaughtering every monster in your path until there are none left.

This game gives you a clear precedent: your choices matter. Who you kill and who you spare affects how the game continues and how other characters interact with you. Kill  certain characters, and you get different dialogue. A clear example is if you choose to kill off one of the more popular characters of the game, a skeleton named Papyrus. His dream is to be a royal guard, and to achieve his dream, he tries to capture you. If you choose to kill him, his brother then begins to show a clear contempt for you, as well as the captain of the royal guard, Undyne, who specifically asks you “Papyrus… what did you do to him?” However, if you spare him along with everyone else, he leaves the underground with his friends and brother, and in the end credits you can see him driving a fancy car down a highway.

Deltarune, however, is almost completely different from the first game Toby made. Yes, there are returning characters, and the art style is similar, but other than that, the story is far from what most were expecting when Toby dropped the game on Halloween after a few ominous tweets. You create your human, only to have it all erased with the message “we can’t choose who we are in this world.” You play as Kris, a silent human who goes to school and has to deal with the formidable bully of the class, Suzy. You are both sent to a dark world, and after meeting the kind prince Ralsei, you embark on a journey to bring peace to the land and bring yourself home. What options you choose do very little to do with the game as a whole: you can choose to fight everyone, only to have them run away before you kill them, or spare them, leading to a slightly more peaceful ending. The message is clear: your choices do not matter anymore.

I find it fascinating how one man can create two vastly different games. His first game was a huge success and brought about a new era to the indie gaming industry. Many were anxious to see what his next project would be, hoping it would live up to the legend that was his first game. I can only imagine how stressful it would be to have the entire world watching you, waiting for your next “big thing,” unknowing on how your next idea will be delivered. He confessed during a series of tweets that he didn’t know whether or not he would ever finish Deltarune in his lifetime, because he had so many ideas and mechanics he wanted to put into the next installments of the game.

This duality is something that many creators experience: burnout. We are pushed to create, build off of past successes, but what if we don’t want to be known for what we’ve done in our past? What if we have new ideas, but we don’t know how they’ll be taken, because it’s different from our known content? We don’t know until we try it, and that’s a scary thing. So we keep chugging out sequel after sequel, using the same ideas over and over until they become old and stale. It leads to a society that doesn’t know what original content truly looks like because everything is just a copy of everything else. We need to learn to push past this fear of failure, embrace new ideas, and accept that not everything is black and white all the time. And that’s okay. We choose to keep looking forward, to new ideas, and that is truly art.

Sometimes new content is as simple as making an anagram of a title you already used, turning it into something new.

Dear Mr. Kevin Hart,

             This book was an inspiration, aw well as somewhat of a mirror of my life. Much to my surprise, we have gone through some very similar situations. You know sometimes when I go through things, I feel like I am the only one, so it was like a breath of fresh air to know that I am not alone.

            The chapters that stood out the most were: Life Lessons from Dad, Life Lessons from Mom, Life Lessons from The Grind, Life Lessons from Obstacles, Life Lessons from Loss, and Life Lessons from Success. If you don’t mind, I would like to tell you why.

             When I read the title Life Lessons from Dad, I thought it would be about how your dad taught you how to be a man growing up. As I began reading, I saw that your dad taught you what not to do instead of what to do. Mine did the same thing. Then when I read the title Life Lessons from Mom, I thought it would be about the few things in life your mother could teach you about being a man. As I read, I saw that your mother showed you that when you must take care of business, that is just what you had to do, especially when there are children involved.

             Next, I read the title Life Lessons from The Grind, I thought it would be about the things you learned while trying to make a name for yourself. It was exactly that. Then I read the title Life Lessons from Obstacles, I thought it would be about the things you learned during the times that bad things started to happen. It was exactly that.

             At this point, I’m just not knowing what to expect, which is great, may I add. So, I read the title Lessons from Loss, and I thought it would be about the people or interest you would lose in certain things/people. Although it was that, it was also about the loss of the things and people you cherish too. And when I read Life Lessons form Success, I thought it would be about the wonderful things that come with success. It was like that, but much like Life Lessons from Loss, you would lose a lot with success.

             I say all of this to simply say that the way your formatted, organized, and wrote the book not only kept me wanting to read more, but also kept me not knowing what to expect. When writing something as grand as a book, that is a great thing to be able to do. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this. I’m more than positive that I am not the only person who is inspired by this book. Please keep doing your thing.

 

It has been exactly nine days since I’ve been to school, and I see this as a blessing in disguise. During these last nine days I’ve been torn down in every way possible. My confidence has been tested and maybe even diminished. My aggravation has skyrocketed, and my stress has been high. I have let the words of others circulate my mind until it’s all I’ve been able to hear. I have procrastinated looking in the mirror, too scared of what I might see.

At the same time, I have this new level of assurance, like I’ve fallen and I’m just starting to get back up. I’m not fully up, but I’m right there on the edge. I have this little voice in my mind telling me, “their perceptions of you are false,” and I chose to believe it.

This week I realized I have to take things day by day. All this time I’ve been living in future thoughts that I’ve missed out on half of my high school career. I am so behind in the achievements that I could possess right now.

I believe I have awoken. Time has gone by so quickly and I can’t help but wonder, “did I waste it?” But see, I don’t believe I have.

One thing I learned this week is that everything I’ve ever done has led me to this moment right now. Every decision I’ve made. Every single mistake has led me to this moment right here. I’d be lying if I told you I’m not okay with the person I’ve become because I am so proud of myself. I’ve overcome so many challenges and barriers throughout these past few years. These events have taught me brilliant lessons that I will forever hold dear to me. I know now that if those situations would have never occurred, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I also learned that the only thing that is holding me back from achieving my goals and dreams is myself. Myself. I can accomplish anything I want to. Absolutely anything. When my mind tells me I’m tired, I will keep going because the only thing holding me back is me.

If I would have known this sooner I probably wouldn’t need to work so hard, but I refuse to let my mind focus on ‘what ifs’ because it is WASTED TIME. And at this point I have no time for wasted time.

I refuse to let myself get down because certain people have left my life. I realize now if they were so willing to leave so quickly, they don’t give a damn about what I am about to become. I almost let them determine who I was going to be and if I was going to make it or not.

In these last nine short days I learned that the day I stopped listening to what everybody else said was the day I started getting stuff for myself done.

I believe I am finally awake.

This is a poem that I wrote spur of the moment while waiting for the bus for a Walmart trip one day. Honestly, I have no clue what brought it on or what inspired it, it just came out. I’ll be the first person to say it sucks, but I’m still gonna embrace it. Please enjoy ‘Midnight’!

Midnight

This is your chance.
Run for your life.
Skip out on town.
Make it back before midnight.

Look around at the sights.
This is your chance to excel.
Make it back before midnight
to escape this hell.

The clock hits twelve.
Made it back before midnight.
You have no more chances.
You’re stuck here now.

Make it back before midnight.
This is your chance to change yourself.
Look back at your wrongs.
And move forward to create your rights.

Learning to handle stress is very stressful. I start to worry about things and try to calm down, but I can’t and wind up even more frustrated. I honestly don’t know how to control myself sometimes, but I have been working very hard and am finding new ways to distract myself from stress.

1. One thing that I have been finding helpful is yoga. Stretching out my tense muscles really helps me with reaching a calm state of mind.
2. Taking longer showers. Some studies may show that long showers indicate loneliness, but I have found that the hot water relaxes me and the humid air helps me with good breathing.
3. Reading. I know this is a more obvious one, but you may be surprised how much a good book will help you destress. Books allow us to escape and enter another world that has nothing to do with us.
4. Walking. This is another obvious one, but walking is very beneficial. As it turns out, committing to healthier life choices and exercising  habits can do wonders for your mental health and ability to fight stress.
5. Don’t spill tea. Stop gossiping. If you spend your time talking about other people’s problems and what they are doing, you lose time for yourself. Also keeping up with other people and what they are doing can be exhausting. Focus on yourself instead.
6. Drink tea. Try rewarding yourself with a cup of non-caffeinated tea with just a little sweetener if needed. Many herbal teas have great relaxing ingredients. Caffeine and sugar can make you a little jittery though, so read into your tea before you drink it and don’t over do the sugar. Here are some of the best teas to help with stress: Chamomile, Lavender, Lemon Balm, Passion Flower, Valerian, Golden Root, Ashwagandha, Tulsi, Catnip, and Ginseng.
7. Aromatherapy. Get a diffuser and try filling your room with relaxing scents. The smells can be used as a stimulant for your mood. Many essential oils will tell you if they can be used in this way, but just in case, I advise these scents: Lavender, Rose, Vetiver, Bergamot, Roman chamomile, Neroli, Frankincense, Sandalwood, Ylang ylang, Orange or orange blossom, Geranium.
8. Don’t Procrastinate. A lot of our stress as students comes from our work load, but procrastination can really get you spiraling. It is important to get your work done as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute because waiting will lead to stressing and perhaps lessen the quality of your work.
9. Breathing. Even something as simple as breathing can help you with relieving stress. When you are caught up in a moment, and you catch yourself over doing it, sit down and focus on your breathing. This can relieve the tenseness in you muscles and chest as well as control  your heart rate.
10. Do what you love. It doesn’t matter what you write, draw, sing, or dance. Do it, but make sure you don’t treat it as an assignment. When relieving stress, we have to center ourselves and remember what makes us happy. Do what you love because you love it, not because you have to. This will really help find yourself in a hectic moment, and with that you will have the confidence to keep pushing.

I believe that mental entrapment is deadly. That sounds very odd and out of place on many levels but I believe that to be true in its entirety. In fact, I have so many factors as to why and it’s very common in my family. When I say mental entrapment, though, I don’t just mean not being able to escape those wild thoughts that someone may have at five a.m., but the emotions that hurt the most. Many people would wonder how that could be mental entrapment but those hurtful emotions feed into your innermost thoughts and it starts to become such a huge issue in the lives of many. Mental entrapment for me defines being stuck in your mind for what seems like forever. It is the continuously getting lost between what is real or fiction or even just feeling as if there’s a bind or blockage in your mind, holding you back. Mental entrapment could be caused by many things, including mental illnesses like depression or bipolarism, or even just the simplest of heart breaks. There are so many symptoms and outcomes of what I refer to as mental entrapment. Mentally, it could most definitely affect the way a person thinks and handles a situation. However, it could affect a person physically, as well. From a personal experience, it feels as if someone’s physically squeezing walls against you, blocking your way. The entire feeling is completely different from a panic attack, though they seem the same. Either way, it feels like you cannot escape or get away from whatever is affecting or bothering you. There’s often an urge to run away and due to the fact that you cannot, the feeling gets worse and your chest begins to tighten very harshly. It’s very frightening when it happens and it feels like there’s no way to help it. Personally, that’s why I enjoy travelling so much. Many of my friends or people that have talked to me know how much I talk about travelling and leaving Mississippi. It’s because of the entrapment that I feel mentally. There’s not a particular reason that I can pinpoint, exactly, but whenever I leave the state, I feel free. Those small bursts of freedom are enough to help me get by and when I have to come back, I crave it again. As weird as it sounds, I feel as if I get a broken heart when I come back from a trip away from here. It hurts so much, too. My chest starts to hurt and I get so heart broken. It’s such an odd thing to think about and it seems so weird writing it out. It would probably sound crazier if I said it, but it’s what I feel to be true. It’s such a hard thing to bear through, and I’m often described as someone who has wanderlust. I just hate being trapped. Emotionally, it’s even crazier. I’m stuck with my consistently racing thoughts from sun up to sun down. Sometimes, it’s so bad that sleep becomes a stranger to me. If I tell others this, I’d probably sound like I need to be institutionalized but this is how I view such things.

Underneath your clean fingernails

beyond your soft hair 

inside your empty pores

into a heart full.

I love to swim through your veins 

I’m sorry for pricking your smooth skin

there are a few of my edges that haven’t rounded 

I’m sanding them down

making sure I don’t miss any points.

you bite my lip 

prevent me from kicking over loose stones again. 

I’m sorry I’m not quite steady.

I’m working on it 

I’m going to be.

Soon, I’ll be such a good swimmer your body will have to absorb me 

as a necessary protein

or vitamin

you’ll need me without consciously knowing it 

I will be the one who is there when your sugar is too low 

when your blood pressure soars 

when your skin cracks from the lack of sunshine. 

let me show you how it feels to be taken care of. 

 

 

So, as you all know, I have a deep love for video games. A very deep love. Specifically for Nintendo games. I live and die by Nintendo. Every day I wake up and forget to charge my Nintendo systems, and then get really upset when I cant play pokemon at midnight. It’s an endless cycle- but its special, and it’s a part of me.

Anyways, for prom, I really want to do something that is very…. me. Something that represents me as a person. Something that represents me as a nerd who doesn’t have much of a life outside of the virtual world. Me as a cosplayer. I essentially want a dress that could somehow captivate my entire world.

I began thinking.

“Kerri, you can modify anything. why not modify a dress to fit your needs.”

therefore, I came to the conclusion that my dress will be inspired by ……

 

Princess Zelda!

(without the sword)

I plan on modifying a white dress to fit her style. I’m thinking of finding some type of gold twill/bias tape to sew along the bottom edges, and then either handsew in some type of lace, or embroider the details.

Of course, i’ll be able to use my own hair. Very happy about that.

 

 

UPDATE:

I began writing this a few weeks ago, and I wanted to update this because I found something that worked well. I searched across many many cosplay sites to find a decent dress, but they all seemed to use rather cheap fabrics, and the ones that didn’t use cheap fabric were crazy expensive.

I went on Facebook, and went to the buy/sale/trade pages for cosplay (which actually exist! and i probably shouldn’t spend too much time on them,,,, that could be quite disastrous)

Long story short, I was able to get a pretty good prom dress for a pretty good price! its a bit big on me right now, but ill be able to take it in! I’ll be sure to update you guys on the progress of the dress as i work on it.

I know its a bit early, but, I’m really excited! This is one of those things every teen movie focuses on, so it has to be pretty memorable. If it’s got a scene in high school musical, it has a place in my life. Maybe that’s not the right way to live ones life by, but it works for me!