Month: February 2019

I’ve had the weirdest week since last Wednesday. It started with getting the flu, so I haven’t been in class until today. Because I have not been in class, I also have not completed any assignments which sucks. That’s just added stress on my body and soul, so if I act funny or something happens, that’s likely the reason. I can work on small things, sure, but I have a packet to finish that will cost me at least three test grades if I don’t get it done in time. I can work on it in small increments, but I don’t think I have the time for that. I also have a literary assignment that I have to complete, but I haven’t been able to complete it because I know the plot calls for so much planning and depth. Which also sucks because I really want to finish it.

As for the especially weird thing, I have been in a strange romantic lovey-dovey mood for the whole week. I’ve been trying to plan trips to random places for myself. When I say plan, it’s more like budget because homegirl has no money to just jet off across the country. I enjoy planning things like that, and I have a date in mind for such excursion as well. I have it somewhat broken down to where I go to certain sites for help. Instead of looking for a hotel, I go on Airbnb to look for cheaper homes in the area to stay in. I found this one website that helps create an itinerary for your trip if you send all your confirmations, which I find really cool. I don’t know if I’ll actually do it though. My latest issue has been driving versus getting a plane ticket. I can’t drive yet, so it’s very unlikely for me to do a road trip, meaning I will have to get a plane ticket. I’ve never been on a plane before, so I wonder how that will go. Man, long-distance is such a strange thing too, but I won’t get into that.

Those who know me know that I am truly a very opinionated person. I’m perfectly okay with speaking my mind. However, a lot of my opinions tend to be those on the unpopular side – the side that society doesn’t really agree with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna shove my beliefs down a person’s throat just because they believe in the popular opinion; but, I’ve seen and been in so many situations where people with the popular opinion are somewhat upset because of the difference in beliefs. I mean, honestly, those with unpopular opinions do the same. Which makes me wonder, why won’t people just let people have their opinions. If it isn’t racism or prejudice opinions then what does it matter? So what a person likes chocolate and you like vanilla? They literally only stated, “Hey, I like chocolate.” not “If you don’t like chocolate, I’ll hurt you.” If a person says how they feel about something, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to debate with you. A lot of problems with people today is that we can’t just learn how to deal and accept that we all have our likes and dislikes. It’s always ‘what I like is right and if you don’t agree, you suck!’ Like come on, get a grip. We were all made with different DNA to like different things. Does it really make us bad people if some of us don’t really like sweet or sour things or that we don’t really celebrate birthdays or that our birthdays are the biggest things we celebrate? No. Why? Well, because in the end, it’s how you feel about a certain thing – not another person. So what if your opinion is popular or uncommon? If it makes you happy or if someone else’s opinion makes them happy, then it should be respected. That’s my other TED talk. 

What is free will? Is free will all that it seems to be? Or is everything already set up for us, and we’re just being guided through it? Is someone controlling our actions down to what we eat for breakfast in the morning?

Black Mirror’s most recent installment, “Bandersnatch,” explores this concept with more depth than one would think that this concept would need. I first began watching this at 5:30 in the morning after getting no sleep. I can say with certainty that if you want to avoid having a complete existential crisis, then don’t repeat that mistake of mine. This hour and a half long episode of the Netflix series Black Mirror is interactive- it lets you choose the actions that the main character of the story, Stefan, takes as he tries to get his choose your own adventure game in the mid-80s.

It’s interesting to see all the choices that you can make, down to the more minute details of his life, and how they can affect the story in a drastic way. If you choose a certain cereal for Stefan to eat, you see the commercial later on a tape before the intended recording plays. If you choose a certain style of music, you hear music from that artist during the introduction and sprinkled throughout the rest of the film.

When you go to the gaming company for Stefan to pitch his game, you meet two new people: the sleazy owner of the company named Mohan Thakur, and a famous video game developer (who also enjoys getting high) named Collin. You can agree to work under the company to develop the game; however, this results in the game getting a lackluster review because of its poor quality. You can choose to start over, and when you go back to the company… Collin insists that you’ve met before. This is our first hint that not all is as it seems with this particular character.

Now, we know the correct choice: say no to working under the company- rather, have Stefan insist that he can get the game finished by himself, and the company can publish the game. Now, the story can continue properly.

As Stefan continues to work on his game, he begins to spiral more and more into a state of anxiety and stress. This comes to a breaking point, and his dad tries to take him to a therapist. However, you can choose to go with Collin instead. And this path brings us even more questions than we already had.

Collin tells us about everything that he seems to have learned everything about the meaning of existence. He reveals that he knows that nothing is truly his own choice: everything has already decided for him. The government is planning their lives, they put drugs in their food, they record you no matter what you do.

I won’t spoil anything else for you, but this show does make you start questioning your reality. It’s definitely a strange feeling, to be intervening with the life of a relatively normal person. This feeling of existentialism will cause people who watch this show to start viewing reality in an entirely new light. Overall, I highly recommend this episode, and the series Black Mirror as a whole. Maybe I’ll dedicate another blog post to this series… as long as someone doesn’t choose a different path for me.

Lately, I’ve been particularly infatuated with lyrics in songs. And in every single song without fail, there will be a lyric that I always look forward to. It gets to the point where if I miss it, I just have to rewind so I can hear it.

“Crush Culture” by Conan Gray

“No one cares if you two made out

I’m sick of the kissing cult“

I think this lyric is overall just interesting. The whole song is describing how  Conan is sick of crushes, and everything that comes along with them, specifically with other people. Describing it as the “kissing cult”  is so funny to me, but oddly accurate. It just sums it up perfectly, and I commend Conan for thinking of this lyric. (This music is also super duper aesthetic, and I’d give it a watch if you decide to listen to this song.)

“Banana Bread” by Cavetown

“Banana bread before I go to the bed will put the bees to sleep

Otherwise they’d buzz and sting my lungs all night inside of me.”

I honestly don’t know why I like this lyric so much. I think it’s just my love for banana bread that’s calling me. Good song though, would give a listen if I were you.

“Peach Scone” by Hobo Johnson

“She’s a peach…

Scone.

She’s a peach scone.”

This song plays around with lyrics and poetry/rap like lyrics that are soooo cool. This lyric makes a lot more sense if you listen to the song, so obviously you should, but anyways. Hobo Johnson  has an interesting style that isn’t exactly rap but it isn’t spoken word?

“Death & Taxes” by Daniel Caesar

“Surely my sins have found me out

God rest my soul, but show me out.”

The religious aspects of this song are memorizing. They’re so dreamy but they speak wonders to Daniel Caesar views religion, and it’s really cool to hear that. The melody is gorgeous as well, making the song wrap up nicely.

“Mona Lisa” by Monte Booker

“I’m on a first-name basis with danger

It’s stranger when I’m there

I’ll let the narrator tell you how it goes.“

I enjoy the idea that we each have a narrator for our life? And while this isn’t the exact purpose of this lyric, it’s cool to think about how our narration would go if someone else was doing it. Like if we were all characters in our own book. How n e a t.

Anyways! That’s that! I didn’t wanna bog y’all down with TOO many song if you get what I’m sayin’.Hope you enjoyed some lyrics!! And my perspective on them :))))))))

• Eating animal crackers on a fold-able table in a carpeted room.
• Wearing white sandals with flowers on them, I think I was about three at the time, because we were building the house I live in.
• Ordering cookies from another state while at a summer camp.
• Singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at that same camp.
• The phrase “Some people are just a grain of salt in a bag of sugar”
• The protein song.
• My fifth grade math teacher being on Wheel of Fortune.
• playing Club Penguin at 3AM during the summer.
• Making a diss track while at another summer camp (which you can still request to listen to)
• Going to a recycling place with the gifted class in third grade.
• Building a small town out of Popsicle sticks in the fourth grade.
• My third grade teacher used to let me write and direct plays during and after break for some reason. They really weren’t that good, but, hey, i’m a literary now. I guess her letting me express myself payed off.
• Playing Glenda the good witch in the Wizard of Oz at my hometown theater, and throwing together my outfit in a single day using local thrift stores and poor sewing skills.
• Making my first cosplay on my grandmothers dining room table over the course of an entire summer.
• Going to Krystal Burgers once a month on a Tuesday. Specifically Tuesday.
• Playing a really weird piece in jr. High band in which I had to make incredibly demonic sounds on my oboe.
• Being in symphonic band and counting how out of tune we were using dimes and quarters. This tradition I made is apparently still carried on in the band?
• Me and my friend Diana watching the emoji movie, and drinking icees
• Hitting a spider with a baseball bat in my world history class.
• a character I used to write a series about, called Legman. He is a simple Leg.
• My old school letting me work on my costumes during class.
• That circus that they don’t have anymore.
• My grandma giving me a sewing machine.
• My first trip to jo-anns.
• A full-out wedding for two stuffed animals in Oxford.
• Waking up at a sleepover with a circle of people around me. I’ve always wondered what they were doing, though I never asked.
• Attempting to be a cheerleader for 2-4 days.
• Eating spaghetti every day I worked on my Azura cosplay. Now every time I eat spaghetti I think I should be working on Azura, even though shes been complete for over a full year.

Happy Black History Month to all! This year, I have found myself drowning in different poems and quotes that show some form of tribute to the “African-American community” to celebrate this month. For example, one of my Poetry Out Loud pieces:

BLK History Month by Nikki Giovanni

If black history month is not viable, then wind does not drop the seed and carry them on fertile ground. Rain does not dampen the land and encourage the seeds to root. Sun does not warm the earth and kiss the seedlings and tell them plain. You’re As Good As Anybody Else. You’ve Got A Place Here, Too.

The simple comparisons in this poem make the point she is trying to make so bold. I absolutely love it. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I find a quote that I can go to throughout the day to help me to make it through. Here are a few:

“I consider myself a crayon… I may not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.” -Lauryn Hill

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.” -Booker T. Washington

“I didn’t learn to be quiet when I had an opinion. The reason they knew who I was is because I TOLD THEM.” -Ursula Burns

“The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.” -Malcolm X

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change we seek.” -Barack Obama

And the one I have chosen for today is…

“The arts are not just a nice thing to have or to do if there is free time or if one can afford it. Rather, paintings and poetry, muscle and fashion, design and dialogue, they all define who we are as people and provide an account of our history for the next generation.” -Michelle Obama

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know these are some great motivation to start and end my day. To know that there are still people who care and appreciate the lives of black people puts a huge smile on my face.

Oh, I almost forgot… MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS MONTH!!!!
So, if you see me on February 28th, if it won’t cause you a problem, tell your boy HAPPY BIRTHDAY, please. K, thanks. LOL!

hung by a single word

not a feeling

or a kiss

tied together by a sole emotion

no touch

forbidden

if you be my fruit

then I’ll be your tree

you’ll bloom from me

and I will stay healthy for you

my veins are roots

and your heart is an apple

what is that word that separates us?

i forget

i always forget

until you are picked rudely from my branch

and I am immobile

I may do nothing to stop it

I cannot move

You reassure me as you are bitten into

all that work to make you ripe

to be eaten to your core

---

 

 

Every time they numb me up at the dentists office, I have the same hallucination. This has been happening for years, and I’m not sure on whether or not I should be concerned.

My trip to the dentists usually goes like this.

I walk to the front desk madly sobbing about any events that will soon take place. If you dob nonstop for at least half an hour, you’ll already be very numb by the time you’re in there.

Then, once my name is called, I go in, and they hook me up with this pig-nose looking thing. They call it “laughing gas” but i call it the scent of a 2007 justice store. Its super hard to breathe in, So I breathe through my mouth until they catch me doing that. Then i breathe through my nose.

After I’ve ascended into another dimension, they come over and say something about numbing shots. At that point, with over an hour of odd fumes being pumped into your body,and sobbing wildly, you’re too numb to even feel number. By that logic, you wont even feel the shot they’re about to put in your mouth.

This is where the hallucinations begin.

In my reoccurring hallucination, a table will appear next to mine, with this lady dentist attempting to have a conversation with her patient. The little girl will talk about her sister going to Disney, and the fact that she is going to chic-fil-a after her dental work is over. this same conversation will repeat, but every time it repeats, it speeds up and overlaps itself. eventually my vision goes gray and its nothing but fast paced talking. At first, I thought the woman and little girl were real. but then five or so years later, they still kept showing up. They never aged. Their conversation never changed, and I’m pretty sure its that nitrous-oxide causing these hallucinations.

 

Am I crazy? do you guys hallucinate at the dentists office as well? If so, let me know what you hallucinate, and if it occurs on a regular basis.

I believe in fate. Maybe we are all meant to be exactly where we are and every moment that we live is life-changing. Maybe we are each fated to certain events, decisions, people. I believe that if it is meant to happen then it will happen. There are a lot of people who stress and overwhelm themselves with things they cannot change, but if they leave it to fate, maybe it wouldn’t be so rough on their mental health.

It is going to happen, whatever it is, one way or another, and we can’t change it because we have no clue what we would be changing. I believe in fate because once it happens, it’s irreversible. We have no idea or true warning, and I feel that if the universe had any other intentions for our lives other than what we make out of it, then we would have reset buttons and time machines.

But I also don’t believe in fate. Maybe we live and do a bunch of unnecessary shit just die. Maybe we are all just completely accidental and a total coincidence. I believe that nothing we do matters what so ever. We meet a guy or girl. We marry them. We get a dog. The dog dies. Our wife or husband dies. We die. Maybe the only thing fated in life in death, everything before that is just whatever happens, happens. We don’t know. it’s irreversible and it only happened because we allowed it to. Maybe it is all without purpose but believing that all the bad things that happen to us won’t necessarily lead to something better, or that those wonderful moments with the person you love might just fade away, is kind of depressing.

You can call me indecisive, but what is wrong with me believing in fate, and the lack of if I can explain them both. Fate is a beautiful thing, maybe everything is already planned for us, and no matter what choice we make, it will be the right one because fate has already decided our choice. There is no right or wrong, because whatever we do, rather it is morally correct or not, it’s fated. On the other hand, the lack of fate and reason for living, leaves us to make our own happiness that will just lead to death anyway. We are kind of left with a “what does it matter” view on life, so we do what ever the hell we want because it doesn’t matter anyway.

Yeah, I believe in both, but at the end of day I really just believe in doing you, whatever that may be. Rather you do it because of fate, or because you feel there is no purpose to do otherwise, just do it. I just hope that what you do makes you happy, because life, fated or not, shouldn’t be sad.

I’ve never really liked valentines day. In fact, I believe that valentines day is just a set up for people to spend their money to try and prove their love to their significant other or whatever. But, why can’t you just show that everyday? Why do you have to flash your money around or compete with your friends to see how much more you can buy than them? It’s just a run for your money. Commercial crap. Plus, I don’t like chocolate too much, and cheesy valentine’s day cards just seriously make my stomach hurt. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but really? The overall concept of love at this point has been twisted and ringed up over and over again and the hype that people feel over this thing – I don’t get it. To me, love is being able to show you care through simple, small things on a daily. If I were to love someone in that way, I’d always pay attention to the small things that make them happy and always continue to different little small things. The reward in it isn’t some big teddy bear or a huge box of chocolates or even a 15 karat ring that I’d probably never wear – it’s the small smile that crosses their face when they notice it. I want to be able to tell their moods through the smallest things to make sure I’m able to be there for them without them even mentioning anything to me. That’s what love is and I’d like to receive the same back. I don’t even care about the constant ‘I love you’s’ that may come from a person’s mouth. It was drilled in my head that actions speak louder than words and that’s how I would like my relationship to be. So, yeah. I really don’t like valentine’s day. If you love and care about me, show me through the small things everyday. Don’t wait until valentine’s day to flash your love. Love me now. <3