yo yo yo it’s ya boi

Is there a purpose?

A question posed by Morgan  

yes

no

maybe

good question though

there isn’t an answer. until you die, that is.

maybe not even then

strange

Answered by Chole.

 

In my opinion, there is no purpose in life or death. Maybe we’ll find it one day, but at present moment, what is the purpose?

To constantly stress? I guess that is just the life of an MSA student. 

I think I’m going through an existential crisis. It has come to that time. Oh boy.  

Jawbreaker

So there’s this tag, that I thought that I would answer the questions from. I wanted to write some cool, funky, fresh intro but honestly the questions and answers should speak for themselves if I write this well enough. Here’s the website I got it from: https://www.themessyheads.com/new-gallery-2

Who are you when no on is looking?

A slower, less emotive version of myself. When no one is looking it’s almost like I stop emoting. Not because I don’t have emotions, but more of because when I emote I have to think so much about it, because I always want to make sure that I’m a certain version of myself. It changes with the certain people I’m with. I think the closest version of myself to if no one was looking is the self I’m with when I’m with my friend Cady. My state when no one is looking could be described as comfortable silence. 

What does it mean to be you? 

I can’t tell if this means like ME, Emerson Moffatt Hultman, or just someone in general. Since I’m me, I’ll answer how to be me. Around people, the key is being energetic, verging on ditsy. I know people would never say it but I think a good descriptor of me is ditsy even though I’m really not. Just a lil’ airheaded. But the other side is inquisitive! Surprisingly, I have a lot of thoughts and questions inside this head. I think to be me is a balance of being lively and more gentle. 

How might friends describe you?

I already kind of said this, but ditsy, for sure. Lovable. Child-like. Needs to be protected. I don’t know, that’s how I feel like people view me. Maybe that’s just the youngest child in me, but I feel like people always have this want to protect me. Like a puppy you found on the side of the road. Which don’t get me wrong I like being cared for sometimes, but I also don’t want to lose any respect because of this. I can make my own decisions. I have thoughts that could maybe mean something. I feel like the person I display sometimes comes off as too dumb sometimes.

How does that differ from who you actually are?

I mean I am those things, but I think my real self is just wiser than one might thing. And maybe that’s extremely egotistical of me to think. Maybe I am just a child growing up that doesn’t know much, but a part of me believes that I have thoughts that are growing into something meaningful. Maybe that small part is the real me. 

Talk about your hardships.

I have negative EIGHT vision, which means without glasses or contacts I’m very blind. My dog Libby is almost fourteen meaning, she is close to death. My house burned down when I was three, right after my parents separated. I’ve done a lot of things for people I love, and despite those efforts they haven’t been enough. The other day I tripped on a rug and almost fell flat on my face. I failed two Zoology tests in a row. These aren’t it, but dang I can’t share all my trials and tribulations just yet.

Do you think you know yourself right now?

Not at all. I think for the first time in my life I’m learning to, but just because I’m learning doesn’t mean I KNOW KNOW. Not yet. 

What are you passionate about?

Photography, writing, and animals. Hence my want to be a wildlife photographer/wildlife photojournalist; haven’t really decided yet. I thought growing up I would HAVE to be a vet if I wanted to work with animals, but that’s not the case at all. It might seem like a weird thing to want to be, but I think it fits me so well. Which may be wrong since I don’t know myself too well yet. 

How do you think about where you grew up?

I grew up in two different parts of Mississippi: Ecru and Oxford. These two are polar opposites. Ecru is too close minded for me. It’s the typical small, southern, baptist town stereotype. Then in sixth grade, I moved to Oxford. While I love Oxford, and it’s such a progressive, lovely town, I think for teens it can be extremely toxic. I describe the high-school life there, as “pre-college.” There’s this even bigger need to feel older and be a college kid since it’s a college town, and I think it’s a real problem for it’s students. 

Talk about a moment that changed you.

I’m not going to go into detail, but sitting in my best friend’s car one night, I just asked her a question, and she answered, and then there was silence. And I think her support and love really changed me in that moment. I could feel it in the silence in the car. 

What is your greatest attribute?

I love hard. For most people. I think this to me translates into me being easy-going, but really I just don’t want conflict, and want people to be happy. Maybe this isn’t a great attribute for m e, but it helps others, and that’s okay with me. 

What is your biggest accomplishment?

Getting through the worst part of my life in one piece. September-December of 2018 was so mentally difficult, but somehow I managed to get all A’s and make friends and learn to be kind to myself, and I’m so proud that I did that. It’s not easy still, but I did it!!!

What is your biggest failure?

Letting myself go Sophomore year. I didn’t do the things I should have to pull me through and make the grades I should have, and I regret it a lot. I think I blame my mental illness too much on it. I wish I would have kept my grades up. I felt like the school year of 2017-2018 was a stagnant growing year and I hate that.  

Do you love yourself if not, why not?

I don’t. There’s so many factors that play into that. Appearance, personality, etc. I think that it’s possible for others to love themselves, and maybe even it’s just a love they’re born with, not a journey they have to go on. I’d for sure have to go on a journey to love myself, and it’s just not on the top of my to-do list right now. I’m trying to focus on getting through to summer while spending as much time with my friends before they graduate. Maybe this summer will be the summer I get around to finding myself and loving myself, but that’s a really big task. Rewarding, but daunting.

Do you believe in yourself?

Depends on what I’m doing. I know I can write a killer essay, but I also know that I can’t solve an algebraic equation to save myself. So, yes, I believe in myself to a certain extent. 

What is your first thought in the morning?

I honestly don’t think I start actually thinking until afternoon, so N/A is my answer.

Who are you at the core of yourself?

How can I know that if I haven’t even found myself yet? Geesh. 

What are you trying to do with your life?

Survive until at LEAST 24. 

What advice do you have to give?

Not only know the difference between Love and Infatuation, but learn how to know if someone else has Love for you or Infatuation for you. 

Have you found yourself?

This question seems redundant. Maybe not. Maybe knowing yourself and finding yourself are different things, but no to both. 

What does society prevent you from being?

I honestly don’t think society is what’s holding me back, I think it’s just me. Do I count as society in this instance? 

Everyone i meet knows something I do not. what do you know that I don’t?

A tree fell in my backyard, and took down an entire post. No one noticed. I only figured it out because my dog, Sarah, kept getting out of the fence and I had to figure out where she was getting out. A whole tree in my backyard. Not a single soul noticed. People are so oblivious to their own surroundings. They’re missing so much. 

What code of morals do you live by?

Do things because a better outcome will come for others, not for yourself. This might be bad advice but that’s how I try to live. 

What do others assume about you because of your appearance?

I have no substance to me. I’m NoT lIkE oThEr GiRlS!!!!!!

Hard Working Man

i had forgotten what is was like to be loved

maybe I had just never felt it 

I was lied to 

I was never felt 

or seen 

I was only touched 

or gawked at 

until you 

who looks past my skin 

into the muscles that move only for you 

who feels me 

every freckle and scar

it has been so long since someone worked to have me 

actually 

it never has happened 

you are a daydream I had when I was young

how is it that you feel just like it?

how is it that no matter what you do I crave you?

you don’t have to be perfect for me 

you can be impatient 

short tempered

as long as you come back down to love me 

as long as you keep looking at me the way you do 

I can still see the love in your eyes through the blaze

I can see the future in your calloused hands

 

 

 

ahhhh!!!!

It’s about to be almost two months until summer and I am not ready!!! One, I’m gonna miss my senior (don’t tell her, though) and two, that means start of senior year!! I’m about to be a hella near-adult. It feels like just yesterday I was in third grade running around on that rickety, but comforting playground at recess. Now, I’m running around a campus at an arts school with no recess or time for that matter. It feels as if time is slipping out of reach and then I realize that I’ve never had it in my reach. That’s something really scary to think about, in my opinion. I always told my family that no matter what, I’d never grow up. No one on this round, green earth could tell me that I’d become an adult one day and once you’re almost there, it happens in a flash. It feels as if the years of my life are just patting me on the back for two seconds and then running away, rather than when they used to hug me for weeks as a kid. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it scares me so much. I’m practically afraid of what’s out there. Sure, my mom’s prepared me well and I’m in that mentality but the thought still throws me into an absolute panic. Let me tell you, I cannot fathom what my life’s going to be like once I leave this place. I honestly just want to be happy with my life and be able to do what I can in order to make that happen. It would just be so nice, though, to be able to go back and actually enjoy those moments of my childhood where I was wishing that I could hurry up and grow up. I regret saying that I couldn’t wait to be an adult because I can’t get those years back. This is so much in so little time.

I REALLY want to eat fast food RIGHT NOW

As a person who writes their blogs during fifth block, I find myself thinking of one reoccuring topic. Food. Food is described as something one can physically touch, and use to get rid of hunger. Food is literal, rather than metaphorical.

I want fast food RIGHT NOW. As I am writing this, I am imagining the crisp shell of a chicken nugget, and the unhealthy amount of salt on a french fry. My hunger has never been more intense, except for like, every other day of the week.

 

10. I want some MCDONALDS

Mcdonalds is known for their awesome fries. I love fries. I want to eat them NOW. other than fries, their burgers are really good, especially without bread. I don’t like any sandwiches that have bread on them. The McChicken nuggets are another favorite of mine.

 

9. I dont mind having SONIC

I want fries NOW. I will take fries from Sonic. Sonic is a drive-in restaraunt that has nice ice cream. Their food is good, but usually not what you ordered. They have wonderful cheese fries. I want fries.

8. fries from WENDYS?

Wendy’s is similar to mcdonalds, especially in the sense that they have fries. you know what I’m really craving? FRIES.

7. CRACKER BARREL?

They might serve fries?

6. I actually got fries, I’m pretty content. I think I wrote this like last week, so theres no point in continuing on the locations from which I wish to eat fries. They were from Sonic, and they were pretty good. some stories really do have a happy ending. This is one of those stories. I’ve had many disappointments in my life. However, this was not a disappointment. This was a triumph. My life has really taken a turn for the better….

If I could describe my feeling, it would be happiness. I have a feeling of being happy. My salt intake is quite high right now. Maybe salt makes me happy? Most foods i eat make me happy. Food is very nice. Being happy is very nice. Lots of things in this world make me happy. Some things make me sad. Fries make me happy. Never has a fry made me sad.

Lost Friends

A couple days a go I found out that a friend of mine, who had been fighting cancer for quite a while, had passed away at only seventeen. Another friend that will never know life without homework, or get to see something so spectacular that it changes everything. Another friend who will never get married, who will never grow old. I have lost five friends now, some I was closer to than others, but the pain still explodes in my chest at the thought of them. Three to depression. One to a rainy night and bad tires. Now, one to cancer.

The thing that is messing me up the most is that the last thing I said to her was “stay strong”. Are you kidding me? I’m a writer. I had every capability to type out something extraordinary, but instead, I chose to be generic. I chose to tell her something that hundreds of people had already told her. Granted, we hadn’t talked in a while, but this was the girl I used to face-time everyday for an entire summer. This was the sweetheart that just wanted to love and be loved. Just like that, she is gone. Knowing that I will never be able to randomly message her and talk about god only knows what is killing me. She was a beautiful soul, and I hate the world for taking another one of the few flowers left amongst all of this ash.

I’ve been trying to ignore it. Telling everyone that I’m tired because I’m still getting over being sick when really, I’ve spent the last couple nights staring around the room, crying, and trying to find that one memory that defines she and I’s relationship. I’m struggling, and I think that is why I don’t want to talk about it. The first thing people ask me when I lose someone is if we were close. They want to know about the person. Well, she and I weren’t the type of friends that didn’t talk about the personal things. There was this state of awareness that we had both been through a lot, but talking about it wasn’t our thing. Instead, we talked about gummy bears, boys, and music. We sought distractions in one another, and I think that might be why I’m trying to distract myself from the fact that she is dead.

Either way, I hope she knows that I am grieving, and that I’m screaming on the inside, because people like her don’t deserve to suffer like that. I wish I had said more to her, but once again, life, and the end of it, has left me speechless.

3 Talent(s)

I started thoroughly enjoying music around the age of four, listening to Fantasia Barrino and Lee Williams. After listening to these artists for a while, I began mimicking the words and sounds in their songs. Four years later, I grew a strong interest in singing. So much so that I joined both my school and church choir. One afternoon, my school’s choir director heard my voice and encouraged me to perform a solo at the next school event. I did and I have been singing every day since then. Now, I occasionally perform at different venues. Audience members often say that I have a beautiful or soulful voice. That alone is all the motivation I need to keep going. Then, I was introduced to the band in the sixth grade. After taking the certification tests, I chose to study the saxophone. In the sixth grade, I could barely play the B-flat scale. By my middle school years, I had grown so much that I could play clarinet parts. Once I reached high school, I had become so well that my band director considered naming me the drum-major. Overall, music has been not only been influential, but an experience of growth. 

Dance has been more of an outlet for me. It all began with my cousins and I dancing in my living room, which lead to me joining the praise and mime ministry at church. Because of the rush I got from it, I explored different styles of dance and stumbled upon interpretive dance, hip-hop, and drill. From that point on, I spent day in and day out watching and attempting to execute the moves of those styles of dance. Now, I use those movements as an outlet for my emotions to flow through my body. For example, when I am under a lot of pressure, I use a more aggressive style of dance to release some steam. If I’m feeling down, I’ll use interpretive dance to release the energy. At school, people will stop in front of the gym and watch. Then, they will come in and say, “I just love how you dance.” Although it is a therapeutic mechanism, I am glad other people can enjoy it as much as I do.

My writing, however, comes naturally. Because I am a firm believer in “no one can tell your story better than you can”, I write from personal experience. There are times when I can pull out a sheet of paper, start writing, and not know one word that I am writing. But by the time I put my pen or pencil down, there is an entire story on the page. I cherish every syllable, word, paragraph, poem, essay, story, and play. My discipline teacher has even stated, “I enjoy that you have taken the initiative to start stepping out of your usual writing style. It is working for you. Keep it up.” So, this must have been one of the best decisions I could have made as a writer because I am growing every day. I aspire to one day write an autobiography about my journey and upbringing. I cherish my beloved pieces of work, for it is my passion.

Little Life Update: A Realization

Hello everyone! Me again. I don’t feel that I put myself personally on this blog, so I thought, what the heck, why not?

So, I had an intervention with a friend in which they told me that I read into things too deeply as if there is a hidden meaning in every little thing. I was shocked by this observation because after all, it is VERY true.

I guess I do this because I in fact do this. I almost always leave little hidden meanings in the things that I say. I don’t think I exactly mean to, and I wouldn’t exactly call it being passive. I think I just think differently.

I asked my friend if this is a bad thing. If hiding and looking for deeper meanings and hidden meanings in things is so bad. They then responded with something that completely changed my entire perspective of this: “Not everyone thinks the way that you do.”

I was taken back for a second because I guess I never really thought about this. Of course I didn’t think that everyone thought like me, but I also didn’t go around thinking that everyone thought completely different than me.

They also said, “Some people see things as black and white. You say something, and you mean it.”

This all ultimately led me to realize that it is okay for me to hide deeper meanings into the things I say, but to not expect other people to reciprocate or understand it.

 

eiwk

everyday, i wake up
with a head-ache and a heart-ache 
now knowing what the day is going to bring
but still living with the same pain from yesterday
and the day before
and then the week before
and the month before
and then the year before 
because no one can see right through me
no one can see that this life in shambles
is it because i hide it so well?
with this perfectly shaped box
with these glistening eyes
with these glossy lips
with this heavy tone
with this bright smile 
with these dressy clothes
but who am i, really?
do you know?

Daytime Passes

The first man I ever loved was my grandfather. He was better than my father at the time. He loved me with every shred of his soul and my heart filled with joy every time he held my tiny hands. I remember being very young and seeing how much he loved my grandmother. He showed her in every way: words, actions, smiles, and the genuine amount of care he held in his strong hands.
My grandmother was very sick, so when I wanted to go out somewhere PawPaw was my
Go to. At least once a week we would go to Wards in the afternoon, where I always ordered popcorn chicken and greasy fries. He wouldn’t let me eat it until we got to a park called Coopers Ferry.
Cooper’s Ferry was a beautiful place when I was little. The bridges wrapped around the bank of a lake and there was an old water wheel that I loved to watch spin. Upon entrance to the park were sidewalks that let up to the pavillion where picnic tables were set up. There, I would eat my ketchup- drenched food while he ate a salad and either a chicken sandwich or a burger. After, we would walk on the bridges.
Above the bridges were Sweet Gum trees that dropped their seeds called Sweet Gum Balls. These Sweet Gum balls are spikey and usually brown once they’ve fallen. In the summer they covered the pathway of the bridge. I loved them, for whatever reason, and would lift the hem of my shirt to my belly button, creating a pouch to hold as many of them as possible.
My PawPaw would laugh at me for this, and crunch them under his raggedy brown sandals, just to see my aggravation. However, I could never stay frustrated with him long. I always broke out into a fit of giggles. We would stay at that park for hours. As a child, those hours felt like years. I loved those moments then as much as I do now. I didn’t know it, but i was feeling love at its purest.
Time went by and suddenly I was fifteen, searching through boys. I tested out a few, one of them I let hang on a little too long. He hurt me and broke me down, but my pawpaw was still there. His smile was still as bright as the sunny summer days, even with the deeper laugh lines. He told me, then, that God would give me someone who I needed, I just had to have faith. He told me that God gave him my grandmother, despite every hardship they encountered, and they ended up just fine. I realized in these moments I needed a love like that: one that was made in heaven.
And there you were. Always in the background, always encouraging me, always honest, always pushing me to be better. How could I have not known these past few years? Maybe I was afraid of it. Afraid to be truly loved.
Now, you are nothing like my grandfather. From the outside, you seem harsh. Beaten. But within you there is so much more. My grandfather is the opposite: soft and beaming on the outside, keeping his struggles within himself so that he could steady everyone else. But the intensity of the love is the same. It’s like fire, engulfing things completely.
You are what I always dreamed of, and I pray it never leaves. I pray that we can have faith to get through every hardship we encounter, and end up just fine.