Month: October 2018

This blog will be about my experience with realizing and getting over some things. I took the time to find Peace in the Valley.

In the midst of the all of the drama, the mess, the misunderstandings, the confusion, and the pain, I knew I had to get it together. The only way I was going to be able to do that was to accept some things for what they were. Nicki Minaj said something that inspired me and showed me “the light”. She said,” People will love you and support you, when it’s beneficial.” As I thought back on the times that I felt like I was done wrong, that is exactly what had happened. As long as I was there to help them, everything was fine. But, as soon as I needed them, they were gone. 

It is gonna hurt, really bad, but never give people the power to alter your lifestyle in any way, shape, form, or fashion. You have to find yourself and stay secure in who you are. Never let anyone make you wonder about yourself. Do not get me wrong, in every situation there is a lesson, whether it be good or bad. But, those lessons are meant for you to become stronger, not lose yourself. 

Sometimes it takes some mental, physical, and emotional healing. Mentally because when things happen to us, we tend to overthink the other person’s intentions or our response. So, we have to stay calm and come to terms that everything will be fine. Physically because it is not only a stress reliever, but a healthy way to let it all out. The movements and stretches of the body and limbs help a lot. Pushing yourself helps tremendously. And emotionally because at times, we find ourselves spiraling down when it comes to being stable enough to handle certain things. We have to make sure that we are not allowing anything or anyone to degrade our values, as people. 

Peace leads to rest. Rest leads to energy. Energy leads to hard work. Hard work leads to success. Success leads to happiness. Happiness leads to an everlasting feeling of relief. Don’t allow people, no matter who it is, to degrade you. You know what you want out of life. When you get it, you be proud of it. People will try and make you someone you are not. Allow yourself room to celebrate the accomplishments for yourself. 

 

I have been working on a new song. I wrote the basis of this shortly after my break up when I was at a really low point. These lyrics convey how I felt on those nights when I couldn’t sleep, when I wondered what I did wrong. This is still a work in progress, also it sounds better when it is sung, but these are the lyrics:

---

There’s a hole inside my heart,
it’s killing me, it’s tearing me apart.
There are bricks inside my chest
they weigh me down, won’t give me any rest.

 

I’m not saying my heart isn’t breaking
every time I look into your eyes
I’m not saying my soul isn’t shaken,
an aftermath of all of your lies.

I hate to say it, but you can’t kiss me anymore.
I hate the way that you taste when I’m not yours.
I just wish we could start over.

 

There are thoughts inside my head,
they keep me up, won’t give me any rest.
There are cracks within my bones,
it breaks me down to do this alone.

 

I’m not saying my heart isn’t breaking
every time I look into your eyes
I’m not saying my soul isn’t shaken,
an aftermath of all of your lies.

I hate to say it, but you can’t kiss me anymore.
I hate the way that you taste when I’m not yours.
I just wish we could start over.

---

Those are the first two verses and choruses. I will probably add some type of bridge in the near future. I’m super proud of myself for getting back into song writing because I had honestly dropped it for a while and I’m not sure why. It’s my favorite outlet for how I feel about things, and I think it is because it combines both of my passions. Thanks for reading!

I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m enjoying October so far. Not so much the school aspect, but everything else is great.

Ice Nine Kills has released their new album, The Silver Scream, and I must say, it is fucking bomb. I love it so much, and I’ve been listening to them everyday since last Monday in preparation for this album. All the songs are based on different horror movies like IT, The Shining, Friday the 13th, that’s just to name a few. And they’re all great. I recommend everyone listen to it, and some of their other songs like Hell in the Hallways or The People in the Attic, based on Stephen King’s Carrie and Anne Frank, respectively. It’s all great to me because of the stories behind the songs or the allusions made in them. INK’s album Every Trick in the Book was their experiment at creating songs from other media. And they perfected it to me. To true lovers of literature or movie buffs, some of their songs may seem to be a flop, but I give them all a solid 10. And it’s just in time for Halloween, making it so much better – a smart marketing tactic, if you ask me. 

The song A Grave Mistake resonates with me. It’s about The Crow, a movie where a man and his soon-to-be wife are murdered, however, his life doesn’t end there. On the anniversary of their death, the man comes back to avenge their deaths. Some reason, the song hits hard to me, with lines like “buildings burn and people die all of the time” and “you can’t save yourself/ or save your soul”. They may or may not affect others the same way they do for me, I guess that’s just your opinion. I’m not here to preach about the greatness of Ice Nine Kills or anything, I’m here to say “Hey, check this out. I think it’s pretty good, and I’d like it if you gave it a listen.” I didn’t say it like that to my best friend though… I demanded her to listen it, but that’s different! Anyway, those lines I mentioned before. I think they affect in such a way because of how blunt it is. Buildings do burn and people do die. It happens daily and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Same thing for saving yourself. You can try your best to not bring yourself closer to your end, but there are some things that can’t be prevented. It’s simple as that. I think that may be the point of the song: to show how helpless we are against life. With that being said, I’m gonna leave a couple of links to the songs mentioned and to the album. Please do give them a listen!

A Grave Mistake – The Crow

Hell in the Hallways – Carrie

The People in the Attic – Anne Frank

The Silver Scream

Go listen. Or else…

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I love to read.  When I was younger, around 10 or 11 there was a time that I ditched going outside to play with my friends after school to stay in and finish the book I was reading that week. It got to a point where my mom was a little worried about me, but my reading level was at a 9th grade level by the time I entered 5th grade. I loved the idea of escaping my life and entering another. I used to get so attached to the characters, and it would almost feel like I was in the book.

My life has gotten a little busy, and I haven’t picked up many books in a while. Here are my top favorites out of the many books I’ve read in the last 16 years and a little insight on each one. Enjoy.

Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell: Someone who played a very important role in my life recommended this book to me, and I’m really glad I decided to read it. I could relate to it at the time which I really loved. I enjoy books that I can relate to. It’s pretty much about two teenagers who are in love and they face some obsolesces. I love it because it’s so innocent and sweet. It’s definitely one you will cry with, so get the tissues ready.

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven: WOW, this is actually a great book. It’s very symbolic and it deals with issues that not many people like to talk about(you’ll have to read it yourself to get what I’m saying.) It made me cry a whole gallon of tears. It is definitely the book that has made me cry the most. I just really like Jennifer Niven’s writing style, and how you kinda have to figure some things out. It keeps it interesting.

The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur: Okay seriously, this book changed my life. I read it at a time where I was going through a lot. It really helped me to realize that in the end I’m going to be okay. It in a way helped me find self love for myself. I recommend this to anyone who just needs to be uplifted honestly. It’s a very empowering book.

I have so many other favorite books, but these are just the ones that mean the most to me. I think I want to start a series where I go into greater detail about my favorite books, and how they have impacted my life. I just want to take a second and say thank you to the women that created these works of art. Thank you.

The most sought after form of game these days are Indie games. What are Indie games? Indie games are games that aren’t published by a company like Nintendo, SEGA, Sony, or Activision. Famous Indie titles include: “Undertale,” created by Toby Fox (who also worked on Homestuck); the Five Nights at Freddy’s games, created by Scott Cawthon and currently include seven main series games, a spinoff game, three story books, a game guide book, and an activity book; and “Bendy and the Ink Machine,” created by a person known only as theMeatley.

Well, things are starting to get interesting for such Indie titles.

Recently, a game came out on the app store called “Granny.” It’s a horror game that follows a simple enough story line- you are trapped with an old woman known as Granny, and you have to escape within five days or you lose the game. Actually, it sounds a lot like FNaF… but that’s not the point.

Well, during a recent update, they decided to add more plot. Yay.

This same group of developers also developed a game a few years ago about a female Slenderman, and it was just another survival horror game. So what does that game have to do with Granny? Well, during the game, if you put a teddy bear into a cradle that can be found in one room, during the end credits, Granny can be seen with the bear, and Slenderwoman (that’s not what she’s called but I don’t know what else to call her, really) can be seen standing behind her.

Well, you can imagine how people reacted. They started clue hunting. Were the two characters connected? Was the Granny Slenderwoman’s mother, or grandmother? HOW WERE THEY CONNECTED?!

Five Nights at Freddy’s was the first game to use this sort of storytelling. When you played the game, you could find newspaper clippings scattered throughout the building that alluded to a case that happened at the restaurant: five kids went missing, and the place was shut down becasue the animatronics were “oozing.” People began to dive into the lore, and of course, a series of (in my opinion) lore-heavy games with mediocre mechanics was born.

Why do I bring up FNaF? Well, because of this technique, many Indie games after it used this same method to tell a story: they had simple mechanics, and hidden within the game, you found bits and pieces of lore, and people would try to solve the “mystery” these games held within their code. And honestly? It’s starting to get old. So many Indie games have the same basic concept, and it’s starting to become a staple for these games, just like Mario’s jumping on turtles and Sonic’s speed.

Indie games were once about doing things that had never been seen before- they were Indie because people didn’t want to sell their ideas to a big company that would just end up merchandising their games until they were just stale. Unfortunately, Indie games have started their own market, and are becoming just as merchandised as their name-brand counterparts. In fact, I’m currently wearing a “Bendy and the Ink Machine” lanyard.

What was once a fresh and unique market has quickly turned stale, with the same kind of storytelling and the same kind of gameplay. FNaF was the first, and becuase of it’s success, people all across the world stole the idea for their own. And now, what happens? Will games of a similar vein continue to be produced by famous Indie developers? What happens when wer’re no longer interested in solving the mysteries hidden within these games?

I think things are looking up for me. Or well at least they are for a little while.

When I first got here, not gonna lie, I was not hopeful about anything. I think being thrown into new surroundings, conflicts within my own life, and overall mental struggles all worked together into coaxing me into a pit.

Now however, I’m over that hump over the first month of school, and I’m excited for what’s to come.

Due to more free time than I had at more old school, I’ve decided to take up more hobbies. Cross-stitching, learning a new language, etc. are all things that are on the table for me to do. Now I just need to start one.

Cross-stitching seems like a fun hobby, but I have a problem. I get frustrated, way too easy. If I’m not good at something the second I start it, then I’m not gonna do it. I know that’s an awful habit to have, and that’s probably something I should work on breaking this year.

Learning a new language, or at least starting is something that I think I could attain. The question though is, which language? I took German my freshman and sophomore year, and I’m not sure if I wanna continue for college, or even just as a hobby. There’s that familiar feel about it, and I already know basic grammar rules and vocab, but I’m not the biggest fan of it. Maybe I need something new.

Another thing I know I need to start is studying for the ACT. I want to take it around April, so that I have enough time to study my huge 5 lb book the school gave us.

Usually, I wouldn’t have done this, or even thought about doing this, but being more hopeful, means looking into my future more. ACT scores are vital in this, because it’s so so important when thinking about colleges.

So that’s something I need to take up. Pray for me, I’m gonna need it.

College is so exciting to me. Just the thought of having a place to call yours. Being able to be proud of your college is something I can’t to have. I want to be able to tell my family where I’m going for school, and it be something that we’re all proud of.

I have a couple of colleges on my list already, and surprisingly, most of them are in South, but that’s also because I’m dead set on going to college in Texas. My love and infatuation with wanting to live in Texas is another story though. Bottom line, I love Texas with my whole heart, and I would have an amazing time going to school there.

Anyways, the point is, is that I’m looking into the future. Things are looking up folks.

This is an update on the first week of my diet.

I am not losing pounds, but I feel like I’ve dropped a couple centimeters considering that my pants are beginning to button again. I know that it’s not much, but it’s the first week. I feel like it’s a real accomplishment.

It has been really hard though. I never realized how much I actually eat throughout my normal routine, and my body is very confused. I usually eat late at night, so now I’m getting these hunger pains. They aren’t that bad, but sometimes they wake me up. Drinking water is helping a lot with the hunger. If my stomach starts getting angry, I just chug some water, and it shuts up. I cannot call out to many cons at the moment. The first week actually went pretty well.

I will tell you a pro that I am really enjoying though. I have so much energy. I have gone from being so tired I cannot stay awake anywhere to being fully aware and awake. I’m so energetic that it kind of keeps me up at night, but it’s okay because I’m still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after I wash the sleep off.

I wake up, fix my coffee, eat my yogurt, get ready, and go down stairs to eat breakfast. I am very grateful that the breakfasts here are a decent size. I honestly don’t think I could handle eating so little for lunch if I didn’t have a good breakfast, and dinner is a godsend. I am appreciating the concept of dinner more and more. It’s not because I’m starving, but it’s more because I’m actually hungry. Usually, I’m never actually hungry. I just eat when I see food. Now, my body actually wants it, and that makes the meal so much better.

I am getting a little bit of judgement, as I expected I would. People just really don’t understand why I feel the need to lose weight. I understand that I am not fat, but I’m also uncomfortable living in this body at the weight I am currently at. This weight loss I’m on a quest for is for my confidence and the way I look at myself.  I don’t want people to think that I am doing this because I’m fat, or even because I want to look like or better than someone else. That is not the case here. I’m doing this for myself and myself only.

For those of you who have been supporting me, or even just letting me do what I wish, thank you. I have high hopes here! I truly appreciate the acceptance.

Halloween is probably the most stressful time for me. Not only because i’m scared of like, everything, but because i’m a cosplayer.

Every Halloween I hear the same thing

“oh, you can sew? can you make my kids Halloween costume”

“do you still do skirt commissions?”

“are you selling any of your cosplays?”

“are you in need of a cosplay supporting bf?”

to which i always reply, no, yes, no, Please stop messaging me.

Halloween is usually when I make the most money off of cosplay. Now, I can’t complain about that, but orders start stacking. especially with me being here at MSA. The only time I have to actually work on my commissions are every other weekend. When i’m spending the whole weekend working, it doesn’t feel like a weekend.

Other than making stuff, Halloween is the best time to buy stuff. Spirit Halloween stores are literal cosplay heaven. where else can I conveniently get 10 pounds of latex, and a variety of elf ears?

Though, if you plan on getting a costume and/or wig from there, I wouldn’t recommend it. If you want something that’ll hold up fairly well, but don’t wanna make it, i’d say MicCostumes and Arda Wigs. Of course, you may not want to spend a lot on a Halloween costume if you’ll only wear it once. However, if for some reason you want to wear this costume to multiple things throughout the year, go ahead and get it from a cosplay site.

As a person who lives and dies by cosplay, I am often asked how I choose which of my cosplays to wear for Halloween. The thing is, I never choose one I actually have. I just cant. I look in my closet with tons of costumes, and I feel like its yearbook day all over agian. like,

“Omg, I have nothing to wear.”

I

Have

Nothing

To

Wear

 

This phrase is how I end up being more broke at Halloween than at Christmas.

Halloween is pretty much the only time I can go into a restaurant in full costume and not be questioned. Its always very awkward when Subway is filled with an army of clowns, Harajuku girls, and Pokemon trainers. Especially if its in the middle of June. But this is different, for Halloween is

 

S o c i a l l y  a c c e p t a b l e  c o s p l a y  t i m e 

Sometimes I think about all the things in my life that led me to this point in my life. All the people that I’ve grown up with, helped me become the person that I am today. When I do that, I always feel like I’m giving in to some sort of invisible force that wants to hold me back from moving forward. “You’re forgetting everyone, you just want to go on with your life.” And in a way, that voice is right. 

Sometimes, however, when I do that, I end up thinking about all the people I know that aren’t here anymore. They’ve left this world. And that just makes me feel more saddened. Yes, I loved them, but I feel like sometimes, I should just… never forget who they are, no matter where I am. And that has led to a lot of problems with me making progress in the most mediocre of things. 

I just want to move on. I just want to go on with my life and live happilly and healthily. But I just can’t seem to do that. 

My own mind is like a sandpit; the more progress I make out of it, the higher the chance is that I will inevitably fall again, back to square one. So many times, I have tried my best to go on with my life, to live in my own way, to just tell my brain to leave me alone for just a minute so I can live my best life. But I just can’t seem to do that.

I just want to be able to live to my fullest potential, but as long as these hands have hold on my mind and my spirit, I will never be able to go forward. 

I want to be free. 

It’s officially fall now, and while it doesn’t feel like it in the glorious state of Mississippi (there was sarcasm there), I’m ready to be in the spooky mood. I could do the typical horror movie marathon (something I’m very partial to) or look up creepypasta stuff online. but, as a literary, I think I’ll attempt to write a horror story! I usually write gore, but the closest thing I’ve gotten to a horror story would be my bus story. And that was not scary at all – it was better suited for children to read and giggle at. But whatever! I’ll take on a bit of a challenge, and speaking of challenges or contests… There are several horror contests! I don’t think some of them run during October (a superior month) though. Which is silly, but who cares about my opinion? 

Anyways, I’m going to include some contests I’ve found here:

Horror Writers Association – This association is a non-profit organization of writers and publishers that started in the late 1980s. They host several contests and awards like The Bram Stoker Awards,  The Dark Poetry Scholarship, the Mary Shelley Scholarship (for females only, sorry boys!), and some others. I’ll include the links at the end of this post for those who are curious, but don’t want to do too much searching. I found the Dark Poetry Scholarship and the Mary Shelley Scholarship through Fastweb, a site that shows you scholarships that you qualify for. I’ll leave a link for it too because it’s a great resource for those needing scholarships, and I know a good amount of us want scholarships; I know I do. 

Bram Stoker Awards

Dark Poetry Scholarship

Mary Shelley Scholarship

The Scholarship from Hell

Fastweb

Sponsored by Every Writer, the 5o Word Horror Story Halloween Contest deadline is October 28, 2018, so if you’re up for a challenge, try that out! The prizes are $500 and endorsement on their website and social media.

50 Word Horror Story Halloween Contest

To anyone applying to those contests, good luck!