Month: October 2018

Yay!! It’s October!! I love October, guys it is one of my most favorite months. It’s great because I always have a lot of shows in October. This time being Ole Brook, Atwood, and the Halloween show we have every year. Also, Halloween is amazing. I love dressing up and scaring little kids, and I love haunted houses and scary movies. Halloween is also the beginning of the holiday season, which means Christmas is getting closer.

Although I love the holiday season, I hate allergy season, and sadly these seasons come hand in hand. Right now, I am suffering through a cold and my throat is literally wrecked from all the singing I’ve been doing. Two performances are this weekend and I am praying that this goes away so I don’t sound like a dying animal on stage.

I’ve been looking up some remedies for a sore throat and I am going to try a lot of them tonight. One of the biggest tips I have found is to not talk. Which, is extremely hard for me. Not really because I talk all the time, but because every time tell myself I can’t do something it immediately makes me want to do it even more.

Anyways, if anyone has any tips for a sore throat, let me know because I need some help.

Near the end of the school year last year, my best friend, Cady, pointed out to me that during the school  year especially, everyone has an “unconscious routine.” This is exactly what it sounds like, a routine that we all follow without really knowing. My routines are so different this school year, from last year.

My routine at the year of the year last year was, I’d wake up at around 6:30, get ready, and leave the house for school by 7:00. I’d be the first one at school at 7:20, so I’d go bother a friend in debate who had an earlier morning class. Then Cady would soon follow in suit, and get to school. She’d come get me, and we’d go to the area we call the “commons.” More friends would arrive, and we honestly would just wander around the school until the first bell rang at 8:10.

I’d go about my day until 2:50, which is when I got out of school since I had an online class. Again, I’d go bother friends in the band hall or sit in on Cady’s English class, until everyone got out at 3:45. Me and Cady would usually go to either Chick-fil-A or McDonalds, where we would get frosted coffees and waffle fries, or chocolate chip frappes and fries respectively.

And that was our day.

I think that it’ll be forever be ingrained in my mind.

Now it’s a little bit different.

I wake up at 7:10, and get ready as quickly as possible so I can go check in downstairs at 7:30.

We get to Brookhaven High at around 7:50, where I just sit in my English class until the bell rings at 8:00.

Then after school I eat dinner outside with people, wait an hour to let my food settle, work out, and then do whatever until it’s time for room check. After room check, I hop in the shower, and then it’s time for bed.

It’s crazy how much my routine has changed. I really need to ask Cady how her routine is now. It’s usually different for the both of us depending on if it’s the first semester or the second semester.

My first semester routine of sophomore year wasn’t at dynamic, but I’m glad I got second semester to have with more friends.

I wonder if that’s gonna be true for my second semester of junior year. Will I grow more as a person, like a did second semester of sophomore year? I swear, that semester is one for the records for me.

School was settling down, I was meeting new people and making new memories. I honestly miss it a lot. Miss that dynamic I had.

I need to embrace my new routine, and look forward to second semester.

I hope it’s a good one.

Have you ever felt like your entire world was tumbling down? I feel like that a lot now. It is hard being this far away from home, with no one to call my own. I am used to having something or someone to depend on. Now, I am really depending on myself. A lot of people are quick to say, “Let me know if you need anything” or “I am always here, if you need me.” But, they do not really mean it. If they did, I would not be in the position I am in now. I am LOST, among many dangers. I am afraid of what will happen next. It is easy to say, lean on God. But, I do not need to lean. I need resting. I need time away from this place of disappointments. Do not get me wrong though, some of what is happening is my fault. I let some things get to me. I let myself, let go. Now that I am trying to fix all that I have broken about myself, I am lost and confused as to why I would let it go this far. I do not even know who I am anymore. I am taking my life back though. Slowly, yes. But please be assured that I am doing it. Mentally, I need rest. Emotionally, I need healing. Physically, I need building. With the help of absolutely no one, I will make it. I just do not know where to start. There is so much that I still have to do throughout this time. There is no time for me to sit around and cry. But, that is stressing me out. Think about it! Try figuring your ENTIRE life back out, while still having to go through a daily routine that does nothing but tear you down some more. Now, I am fixing what I had already done and then some. The craziest part about all of this, is that I am perfect at giving other people advice on how to fix things, but my life is in complete shambles. I am not crying out for help because I know that after this is all over, I will be stronger than ever before. But, what scares me, is the thought that there will be times in life harder than this. I need some reassurance, some hope, some love, some understanding, some SUPPORT. Support from someone who does not have to give it to me. Sometimes, the feeling that somebody cares, is enough. Unfortunately, I do not even have that.

I used to know a little girl. She spent the entirety of her days swinging back and forth on the worn down swing set her mother worked so hard to get for her birthday one year. She collected caterpillars wondering why they always ended up dead by morning. She was oblivious to the world around her, and yet she was happy.

She had bigger dreams than her little hands could hold. She wanted to be a singer “like Taylor Swift.” She even wanted to be an astronaut at one point. Her mother described her as free, a little wild even. And that she was.

This girl knows the best parts of me. She praises them when no one else notices them. This girl knows the worst parts of me as well, yet she smiles at them even. She excepts them both, and comforts me when no one else will. She sends little messages to me that help me to keep my head up.

I’ve grown up from this girl, but I miss being young like her. How everyday was a new adventure. I miss the simplicity of it all. She was the voice in my head that told me I was beautiful when the rest of the desperate voices begged to differ. She got me through the walls I never thought I could break through. She helped me to grow into the person I am today.

I had forgotten about this girl for a while, but she never forgot about me. When I believed I was alone, crying on my own, she was the only one that saw. She was there. I now realize that she has always been there for me, telling me that I’m okay. I’ll always be okay.

I guess this is a little appreciation blog for the girl that shaped me into me. Her drive and imagination has taken me to places I never knew I could go. She not only took me places, but she taught me how to love the one person that’s the hardest to love: myself.

You’re such a forgetful youth,

Going and dropping off your childish ways in a nearby landfill,

trying to grow up too fast.

But I guess maybe it may be time to cut ties.

Break your bond with that past self you enjoyed so much,

When words didn’t mean too much and there was always happiness after tears. 

Smiling was never questionable, then.

Only vibrant, rosy cheeks, and laughter.

You seem to be forgetting already?

Why?

Why are you so ready to give that up?

It’s not as bad as you think.

Do you not remember when you allowed words to spill out of your mouth without a care in the world?

Can’t you recall the weightless feeling that flowed through your body as you ran through open fields,

Rolling peacefully in the grass and flowers that’d eventually make your allergies bad,

But still not caring at all.

Are you really that forgetful?

All the times mother was there to kiss your bruises and brush away your tears –

You won’t even allow her to see the streams now.

You’ve been wrapping your own wounds,

Attempting to help yourself.

You’re trying, though –

Choosing your words carefully, 

Building barriers taller than buildings around yourself.

You’re right.

You’re pretty dang stuck, so grow up and be a forgetful youth. 

I know I write quite a bit about youth and childhood and blah blah blah but I feel like a legitimate forgetful youth right about now. I’ve been really reminiscent and I just kind of wish I could go back to the days when smiling was a lot easier and the school work was a little simpler and the kids didn’t judge you so much. I don’t really remember the happier feelings from back then. When I was younger, I constantly talked about how I couldn’t wait to turn 18 and that I was going to immediately leave home without any care in the world because I wanted to be an adult. I wish I could punch that Imani in the mouth lol. I mean, I am excited for that independence but the fear of it is way stronger than my excitement. I mean, come on. Who wants to worry about finances and work or having to pay the bills or rent on time? Literally no one. It just blows. 

Lately, life has really been hitting me in the face. Every time it does, I think to myself, “Hey! Two years and you’ll have to be on your own! You know how you stress now? Multiply that by a few thousands and boom! That’s adulthood. You’re gonna do so bad. <3 ” And that, my friend, is my exact thought process when anyone asks me what college I’m going to go to or what I want to major in or even where I’m going to be in the next 10 years. Heck, I want you to tell me where I’m gonna be in the next 10 years, Auntie. Because, I sure as heck don’t know. All these future responsibilities drive me mad and I’m not even a senior yet. I can only imagine how they feel. I keep saying that I’m going to ‘live in the moment’ or ‘live for right now’ but in reality I stress out over so many things that I won’t even encounter in the next 3 years. Crazy, right?

I just hate the fact that I tried to grow up so fast at one point that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my youth. I was so ready to be like the other kids and I was ready to throw away my childish ways for their acceptance but what even is a group of snot-nosed rug rats’ attention compared to that sweet child-like happiness that you feel. In the end, those people didn’t even matter. It was just the happiness that I felt. However, I wasn’t grateful to that and I wanted to leave behind that sweet happiness and become a forgetful youth but I’m so tired of being a forgetful youth. So, screw it. I’m just gonna have to get my memory together and remember better.