Am I Better Off?

Do not ask me how my summer went. All I will say “Good! How was yours?”. I’m lying. It is so much more complicated than that.

My summer was filled with high highs and extreme lows. Everything I was looking forward to was canceled, everyone I wanted to hang out with was quarantined, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m writing this in order to put a positive spin on what I’ve been through. I want to know if the months of little to no social interaction and constant intake of information from the media have done me any good at all. Am I better off than I was six months ago?


 

Feelings are weird

Quarantine took a toll on my mental health, as I’m sure it did with everyone. I felt very deeply about missing out on the final months of my junior year at MSA. For me, MSA is a safe, happy place where I live and work alongside friends and can create freely. Sure, I have freedoms at home and can create there if I wish, but it’s just not the same. The atmosphere of MSA is unique to it alone and being deprived of it kinda sucked.

Along with MSA, a lot of other summer activities that I was looking forward to were canceled due to COVID. My family had planned to take a trip to Washington D.C., I had planned to help with the summer children’s show at my local theatre, and I wanted to take my friends on a road trip for my birthday! Suddenly we couldn’t take a plane anywhere, the theatre canceled the summer show, and my birthday party happened over Skype.

I guess in a way I was mourning. I had lost the last bits of my junior year and most of my summer to something completely out of my control. Sometimes I felt bad about feeling bad. Thousands of people were (and still are) mourning loved ones who lost their lives to COVID, so me not getting the birthday celebration I wanted really shouldn’t have been a big deal.

The thing is though, I was allowed to be upset about it. The way the world works, people will always have it better or worse than I do, and I really can’t change that. So I was allowed to feel bad when I can’t go back to school. I’m allowed to feel bad about the bad things that happen to me.

I understand that this may seem obvious to some people. Maybe you’ve lived your life just being able to feel whatever you what to whenever you want to. If so, good for you! But for me, it’s harder to recognize my feelings, accept them, and move on. After quarantine though, the process has become a lot easier!


 

I kinda like me now?

When you spend a lot of time with yourself, you realize a lot of things you didn’t before. For instance, I’m a very affectionate person. I did not realize how much I depended on physical affection until I stopped receiving it. I thought that the occasional hugs from my family would be more than enough, but I was surprisingly mistaken. It’s kinda cool to know that even though you’ve been suck with yourself all your life, you can still learn new things about yourself.

I also spent a lot of my time in pajamas with no makeup. I’m a very self-conscious and the idea of leaving my house with no makeup used to rattle me quite a bit. But after the months in quarantine with no makeup ever on, I became used to it. After a while longer, I finally stopped wearing makeup for the wrong reason. Well, the wrong reason for me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using makeup to cover blemishes or lighten dark circles or anything else like that. But when I used to do that, it became less of me covering up the occasional pimple and more of me wanting to change everything about my face. It got to a point where I seriously didn’t enjoy looking at it without makeup on. However, over quarantine, I seemed to have made peace with my face as is. I can’t change it, so I’m going to love it as is. Now when I wear makeup, I wear it as a way of expressing myself. 


Overall, I enjoyed the time I spent with myself. Sure there were more lows than highs, but now I know that I can make it through and come out stronger. It makes me so much more appreciative of myself and who I am. If I can make it through months of quarantine during a global pandemic, then I can make it through a heck of a lot more!

So to answer my question, I think that I am better off now than I was six months ago!

From the Queen

With the end of the school year fast approaching, I wanted to share my final story as a Junior at MSA. Yes, it is sad thing, but also it is a good thing. Life continues to move along in the midst of all this chaos. Honestly, I am quite proud of the piece. I think it is one of the most thought-out works that I have made. It is exactly how I want it to be. Enjoy! (it is a bit long, so sit back…relax…and stretch your neck!)

 

From the Queen 

The sound of eager footsteps approached my door. Heavy breathing with a hint of wheezing travels through the mouth of whatever poor fellow had to run to my room. A ghost of a smile falls on my face before I throw on my emotionless facade when I open the door. Behind the door stands a boy holding a black, quill pen and light brown paper with the look of fear etched across his face.

The boy hesitated to talk. “Queen Alana, there has been a request for your signature by the king. I was told to bring you the document.”

“What is this document about?”

The boy gulped. “There has been a robbery in the market. They have the thief down in the sitting room waiting to be executed.”

I think over his words. A robbery in the market? It seems as if the current ruling of execution for thieves has not yet registered in the minds of the commoners. A wave of anger washes over me as I realize that the people of this kingdom refuse to obey our rules set as royals. I pick up the sides of my dress to keep from falling over the train. I push past him but stop a little ways later.

“Excuse me, boy. You say he is in the sitting room?”

The boy gulped harder. “Yes, your majesty. In the sitting room of the south living quarters.”

I make a swift turn, carefully maintaining my balance as I do. On my walk, I pass through the hall of looming portraits of all the past members of my family. I stop to let my eyes wander over my mother. Her portrait was the last one added to the collection after she died last year. When I married Charles, he gifted this portrait to me after her funeral. She was my family and now that I am a royal, she is a part of this family as well. I often stand and watch the picture. I look for anything that could give me answers on how to live this life the way it should be lived. She would have known. After my moment with her, I start my journey to the thief.

As I walk through the large, wooden doors, I see a man in the middle of the floor. His head hung low and his skin was covered in purple bruises. The other people in the room bowed down to me, greeting me in the same exact way. I nod my head with the intent of acknowledging them and immediately move my eyes to my husband. His eyes were already set on me, indicating he was watching me. I make my way to his side and lay a kiss on his cheek.

“My king.”

He smiles at me before laying a kiss on my lips. “My queen.”

With my lips tingling and my cheeks burning I turn to look at the man. His head is still down and his body looks even more slumped over.

“Did they beat him?”

My husband is many things. He is a nice, kind man, but he is also a king. He can switch off his kindness and replace it with a ruthless man in a heartbeat.

“Until he cried for them to stop.”

Sadly, I had to be the same way as queen.

“Good.”

“Did you sign the document, my love? I need to let the royal court know to prepare for his execution.”

I shook my head. “I wanted to see him first. I wanted to see the thief.”

The man on the floor shot his head up at my words. “I am not a thief!”

The guard standing behind him jabbed him in his side with his sword. “Shut up.”

The man simply kept talking. “I am not a thief. Don’t call me a thief.”

I scoff at his words. I look around the room to see everyone staring at me, awaiting my next words. Charles notices this and begins to talk, but I stop him.

“Then what are you? Are you a good man? Did you mistakenly steal from the market? Was it an accident?”

The man shut his mouth. That’s what I thought.

“I can not seem to figure out why people insist on stealing. We, as royals, have set rules. We have rules in place to keep these things from happening. Tell me why.”

Confusion fell on the man’s face. “Tell you why? Tell you why what?”

I released a frustrated sigh before speaking. “Tell me why people insist on stealing.”

He stuttered his reply. “I-I could not t-tell you why p-people steal b-but I-”

“But nothing. If you can not give me a reason, I will find one.”

I turned my back and lifted my hands to my face, bored with the conversation. I know the outcome…it is his death…and I have to be the one to announce it.

“Tomorrow at the crack of dawn you will have your head cut of-”

“Wait. Wait I-I have a reason.”

Silence fell in the room. He dared interrupt the queen? Charles grows in anger and is on the brink of killing the man himself. I calmly raise my hand to stop him.

“I can handle this, my love,” I swallow and clear my throat, “it is my job to do so.”

Charles steps back and signals for the other guardsman in the room to lower their weapons pointed in the direction of the man. I turn around slowly in anger and stare at the man. It is at this point when I realize that I do not know his name. Normally, in these cases I sign the document and let Charles handle the execution ceremony.

“What is your name?”

The man stares at me in disbelief before replying. “Joseph. My name is Joseph Willingham.”

“Well Joseph…you better have a good reason or so help me God…I will do more than cut your head off.”

The look that crossed over Joseph’s face stunned me in my place. He looked so scared…so terrified. My stomach dropped at this. I’d never seen anyone that scared of me. The boy who came to my room did not even look this scared of me. I looked down at my stance and saw how close I walked to him. I see how menacing I look. My eyebrows furrow and I take a step back forcing myself not to apologize. A queen never apologizes.

“I-I do have a good reason but… my queen…could I speak with you alone about it?”

I stared at him in confusion before looking around to see that everybody in the room was just as confused as I. I speak to him in a softer voice than before, feeling guilty about how I spoke earlier.

“Why must you speak with me alone? Whatever you can say, you can say in front of everybody here.”

He lets out a humorless laugh. “Well your majesty…you are the only one in this room who has not laid violent hands upon me.”

I stare at him for a while before I accept his request.

“You can speak with me alone. You have 10 minutes to tell me why you should not be killed while I am eating my breakfast tomorrow.”

I start walking back through the doors I came in, “Two guards pick him off the floor and follow me to my room.”

I don’t stop to look and see if they heard me…I know they did. As I walk back to my room, I walk in silence. My thoughts scream in my head as I think over the scene that unfolded in that room. This is the first time I will interact with someone waiting to be executed. This is my first time.

As we get closer to my room, we enter the hallway with the family portraits. I catch the eye of my mother and suddenly yearn for her comfort.

What would she do? Would she listen to his reasoning?

I did not have time to search for the answers to those questions as we passed through the hall and stood in front of my room. I open the doors and the smell of lavender settles in my nose. I tell the guards to get Joseph a seat while I go to my vanity and sit down.

Joseph stares at me as I stare at him. We watch each other. Him, I’m sure, in fear of what I could do. Me, in fear of what he could do. Once the guards brought in another chair, Joseph sat down and let his head drop. He released a deep, tired sigh.

“Joseph, let me remind you that you are only being allowed 10 minutes to talk.”

Joseph quickly lifted his head and began to speak. “I am not a thief.”

“Maybe try words you have not already spoken to me.”

Joseph releases another sigh before replying. “I am not a thief, but I am a father. I am a father to two girls, born at the same time. Twins.”

I think about this information only to realize that killing him would practically shatter his family. I refuse to talk, letting him have his 10 minutes.

“I didn’t steal from that market just to steal. I worked in the mines down in the Gutter before I was let off because of refusing to participate in the strikes they held. I could not participate, I would have been taken to jail. I needed money for food. I needed to feed my wife…my babies. I only took one thing. I took an apple. It was the only thing I could force myself to steal, I do not steal. I have never stolen anything before today.”

As I stared at him, I could tell that he was being honest. Tears pooled at his feet as he began to cry. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t let up easily on him. I needed to be sure I was doing the right thing.

I whispered his name in a comforting voice. “Joseph.”

He watched me walk to him and bend down to his level. He never looked away from me.

“We have rules. To steal is to be killed. We have no room for thieves under my rule nor the king’s, but… you are no thief. In order for an execution to not be administered, you have to have a trial with the royal court. My ruling will decide but they have to hear your story as well. This will be a first…we do not hold trials for thieves and yet…”

I release a final sigh before standing straight up. I motion for the guards to follow me outside the room.

“One of you take him to an empty room and have the maids come clean him up and redress him in cleaner clothes. For the other, go to the king and let him know we will hold a trial for Joseph. Tell him to gather the court. It will be held tomorrow,” I look back to see Joseph keenly listening to my words, “tomorrow at breakfast.”

With a deep sigh of relief, I see Joseph slump his body back over as his shoulders begin to bounce up and down. I bid the guards goodbye and watched as one of them took Joseph away. I close my door and lean against it in pain. A wave of sickness falls over me as it dawns on me how many people I may have wrongfully executed. The people I killed…the people I murdered for no good reason at all. As the thoughts dawn on me, I rush to the water closet to release the upcoming food in my mouth. With sounds of gagging and spit finally leaving the room, I slump over before laying on my back to ease my stomach. I sit in silence despite my thoughts screaming in my head. Tears pool in the dents of my face.

I can’t let it happen again. I can’t let them kill people like Joseph again. 

I manage to peel myself off the floor and gather myself quickly. I look outside the window in my room and notice the dark sky shining bright with many stars. I remember my mom telling me that whenever I felt lost all I had to do was look into the stars and find my path. My neck strains itself looking up for so long, but it was worth it. I found the path…I found my path.

With a smile on my face, I close the window and climb into bed. Tomorrow brings change.

The birds wake me with their morning song. I stretch my stiff limbs and allow the maids to come in and dress me. After 20 minutes of silence mixed with the occasional grunt from me, I head out of my room in the direction of the room where the trial was to be held. On my journey, I pass by my mother’s portrait. While staring at the picture, a feeling of content settled in my stomach. I felt…at peace. I felt like I had the answers. I felt like I was doing the right thing. With a bidding smile goodbye, I left my mother and went to enter the room.

Like any day, when I walked in, everything stopped to watch me enter. Soon enough, heads and bodies bowed for me. The other 5 members of the royal court sat in high chairs overlooking the room. My husband sat in admiration of me. I could feel his eagerness to have me near him, so I obliged. I walked in confidence to the chair that sat beside him. With a quick kiss on his lips, I sat down and moved my attention to the man standing in the middle of the floor. It is Joseph. He looks scared…terrified even. His eyes keep moving between every person in the room except mine. I stare at his head until he feels it. When he does, his eyes slowly find me. I send him a quick, comforting smile. After he visibly relaxed, I began speaking.

“Today we gather. We gather to give a fair man a fair trial. I had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Wilingham and I want you all to listen to what he has to say. I feel a change in the air, my people. I feel good change coming and I think it starts here,” I look at Joseph, “The floor is yours.”

Within 10 minutes, Joseph tells the court and myself the same story he told yesterday. From the faces of the members of the court, his story had the same effect on them like it did on me. Even my husband seemed to have a change of heart. His hand squeezed mine, bidding me to look at him. His eyes held regret and guilt. He knew exactly why I called the trial. I give him a reassuring smile, my eyes telling him we will converse at a later time.

Once Joseph finishes his story, silence fills the room. Everyone turns to me for the next words to be said.

I speak lowly at first. “Everyone in this room has killed a man. We have all killed a man because we did not take the time to listen to his story.”

Heads started to go down. Eyes started to wander around the room. Guilt started to seep into the room.

“How many Joseph’s did we kill? How many more could we have killed?”

When no answer was given, I stood up.

“This will no longer happen. Every person to come in this place we call home will have a story. Every person deserves to be heard. From this day forward, each person convicted of a crime will have a fair trial and an ear to listen to their story.”

The same heads that were down picked back up at my words. Faces full of respect filled the room. I turned to look at my husband to see a wide smile plastered on his face. I send him a smile before turning around and going to stand in front of Joseph.

“As for Joseph Wilingham, you are to be set free to return home with the promise to have royal protection for yourself and your family for as long as you may live. I will see to it that your family receives monetary compensation for the pain and suffering we have caused you. On behalf of every person in this room, I am deeply sorry.”

Joseph covers his mouth with his hand in disbelief and falls to the ground.

“My queen! Oh, how can I give more thanks to you?”

I smile before replying. “You do not have to give me more. I know. Pick yourself off the ground and join me tonight for supper before you depart back home.”

Joseph slowly builds himself back up to a standing position before agreeing to stay. I soon release everyone to go back to their duties.

My husband and I stand in the middle of the room that was just filled moments ago. He holds me as I hold him.

“My queen. A noble woman with a good heart. You are so good, my love.”

I shake my head at him with tears in my eyes.

“Oh, my love! The people we killed. We can not bring them back and it hurts. It hurts so much.”

I break down and cry in his arms. He pulls me close while whispering words of reassurance into my ears. After sharing our moment together, he bids me goodbye as he goes to make the arrangements for Joseph’s family. Exhaustion finds me and I start back to my room. On my walk back, I stop at my mother’s portrait and send her a bright smile.

“Even in your afterlife, you manage to make me see all the answers.”

I continue my walk to my room and soon find myself falling into bed. With the deeds of the day done, my eyes close to welcome rest at the time a smile creeps its way onto my lips.

I may not know all the answers yet, but today was only the beginning.

Please, God, Give Me Freedom!

I typically do movie reviews, book reviews, other reviews of the like, but today I’m feeling a bit reflective so I’m gonna complain about my uninteresting start of 2020. I’m not gonna lie, though. This year has been so eventful internationally with the fear of WW3 and the corona-virus, but in my everyday mundane life? Definitely not. My days have been filled with school, eating, exercising, Disney+™, and finally sleep – and trust me, I’ve been fighting for my time to watch Disney+. I’ve gotta feed my Simpsons addiction. With all that, I was thinking about how I barely have the energy to watch my shows after school. I feel so burnt out after school, probably because it’s so close to the end of the year. But, geez, I wish I wasn’t so tired so I could actually do things that I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

Like read! God, it’s been so hard for me to read lately. It seems like every time I try to sit down to read, I either get distracted or extra tired. I’ve been stuck on the same chapter of Beautiful Boy for at least three months. It’s genuinely the most obnoxious thing in the universe, too, because you literally just want to finish the book but you can’t because AH! You know what I mean? I have so many books just sitting on my shelf that are calling my name, but my bed is so enticing I just can’t help but to lay in it. Have you ever come back from an 8 to 5 school day, immediately walking over to a gym with terribly intense classes that you can’t keep up with, only to come back and trying to read after taking the most god-sent shower ever? Because, dude. It’s harder than staying awake at church after a Saturday debate tournament. T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. 

And please do not get me started on all the k-dramas and anime I’ve been planning on watching for the longest. I keep seeing all the commercials and getting these recommendations, but I can’t even watch them. It’s so disheartening when you want to chase your childhood and watch what these creators have gifted to you, but the world keeps shoving reality into your face over and over again until you feel the need to nap or watch Tik Tok every free moment you get. PLEASE, I want my happiness back! Actually, it’s been a pretty good week, BUT STILL!

I really miss watching my shows and reading because people are out here being stingy with giving inspo. I’m suffering from lack of change and creativity! But in all seriousness, to my younger people, do not waste your free time. Do everything you love, grab that creativity, enjoy being able to keep your eyelids wide open. Lord, knows I can’t. Reality has been settling in and honestly, I’ve just been sitting back and observing. I mean, what more can you do than that? I’m too tired to fight back right now. I’ll write again after this much needed nap.

Here’s to New Life

It’s finally 2020 – the ‘Roaring 20s’, if you will – and it’s the year that I thought would never come. It’s the year of adulthood, ultimate responsibility, and becoming more than what I thought I was last year. As a kid, I constantly talked about wanting to graduate and become an adult because of typical preteen angst. However, being a senior in high school and having adulthood look you straight in the face is a bit scary. In starting my senior year, I was sort of afraid of what the future would hold, especially when looking for colleges and what the costs were. I began to panic because I felt that I wasn’t ready for whatever was about to come. Eventually, my viewpoint began to change and little by little I began to receive these opportunities that guaranteed my future because of the work I put into determining what I want to do with my life. 

To those of you who find yourself worrying about your futures, it’s okay. It’s okay to worry, as it’s a natural part of life, but try not to always get so caught up in what you fear you cannot do. I will give you a huge tip on this type of issue, though. Grind while you can. “Work hard now so you play hard later.” I heard that so much and never took that into consideration. To be completely honest, I thought it was a little stupid when I was younger because I had the thought that regardless, you still had to constantly work hard for what you wanted your entire life. But that’s just really not the case. When I started to work harder last semester and put my full focus on the things I wanted, I was able to get such satisfying results. And it is the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. Getting accepted into my first college was such a big achievement to me. I had been stressing to the max because of an irrational fear of not being able to get into a good college yet I’ve been accepted into six colleges and counting. I even got into my dream college and it’s an honor to even have been accepted, even if personal circumstances do not allow me to go. My writing, which I worked so hard to improve over the past few years, got me that opportunity along with scholarships. 

And, I promise you, it’s not as hard as you think. It’s only a matter of breaking old habits and teaching yourself discipline. Will it take hard work? Yes. But you’ve got to want it. I remember sitting down last year and having my own type of consolation to figure out what I wanted to do. There was no more time for slacking and I needed to get my head out of the clouds. Even this year, I had moments where my head was stuck in the clouds, but I was able to ground myself again and become more realistic. 

It’s been stressful but it’s been fun. I’ve got 14 days to enjoy my childhood and then it’s just that. Sure I have a couple months of school that’ll serve as extra time but there’s a new door that I’m prepared to open. And I want to pass down the motivation that’s gotten me to where I am today. Be the best version of yourselves and work hard for your future. Do it for yourself. : ) 

Confusing, but Inspiring

Cave Johnson once said,

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your  lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

…and that’s a quote I live by.

Assignment wise, this blog is supposed to be inspiring. Ultimately, it’s up to the reader to determine whether or not I have succeeded.

When I was in the fourth grade, I wrote personalized fan-fiction for my peers, and sold it to them for $2. That was what I consider to be the start of my writing career. Writing those glorious, tragic, X Reader stories, the kind I read on Tumblr and Deviant art on a daily basis. Everyone loves a good tragedy. Even Shakespeare, he was all about some tragedies.

All that to say, now I just let people read my writing for free. Could it be possible that I’ve downgraded in that sense? Not entirely. I enjoy free things, so therefore, so should other people.

You know how- when you go to McDonalds, and they ask you if you want to make your meal a large size? And you know you can eat a large fry, but couldn’t get halfway through the drink, and so you end up just keeping your meal a medium size? That’s kind of how life is. sometimes you gotta downgrade, but its for the best. You aren’t wasting anything, you’re just conserving fries for the environment. metaphorically. It’s not really a downgrade- more so something that just… makes sense.

I understand society.

Society is like the plot of Cats! The Musical. It is confusing. If you fit within one of these categories, however, you should be able to live a long and prosperous life

  1. Having very little respect for authority
  2. Having too much respect for authority
  3. owning a candle
  4. being a meteorologist

Any of these sound familiar? If you fit in to one or more of these categories, you qualify to be a jellicle cat. With that title, you don’t have to worry about selling your fan-fiction for a high price. In this world, we gotta love and accept ourselves for being alive, and being who we are in this sentient shell. We cant focus so much on material things, because that’s what the economy wants us to do, and we gotta be some star-wars level rebels.

I hope that somewhere, somehow, this has brought someone peace. I will now drop my mixtape for some extra inspiration.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbpP3Sxp-1U&list=PLFezMcAw96RGvTTTbdKrqew9seO2ZGRmk

 

Rock on, sentient shells.

 

Happy New Decade

Have you given up on life at this point in your life? Don’t worry, I have too.

That wasn’t a good way to start this semester….

 Happy New Year! We’ve entered a new decade, and maybe we’ll see some change. However, it’s okay to not change, but you can strive for improvement! Small steps is the best way to accomplish things. For instance, it is currently 1:40 A.M., and I am working on this blog post. After I finish this, I plan to work on my passion project, but if I’m too tired, I might try to go to sleep. Yes, this does sound like a bad habit, but when compared to the fact that I have done almost nothing this whole weekend, that sounds like improvement to me. 

The moral? Improvement is a relative term that you can bend to whatever you want it to mean. Don’t strive for perfection; just try to do a little better than last time. Now, being the cheesy person that I am, I thought that I should include some quotes that I actually connected with somewhat. For those that don’t know, I don’t relate or associate myself with quotes very often, so looking for senior quotes was a trip.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” — J.P. Morgan

The words are self-explanatory, but I feel like I have to be told to do some things. My first step this year/decade is acceptance. I will accept that staying up until unreasonable hours of the night is not good at all. I also accept that there’s a very small chance that I will go where I want to for college, and that I probably won’t land my “dream” job. And at this point, that’s okay. Instead, I will make moves to become a better student. I have spent this whole year procrastinating, halfheartedly doing my work, and distracting myself at any time I could. This decade will be my time for becoming a better version of myself. I want to come to peace with myself in terms of everything: romantically, socially, mentally, academically. None of this will happen within a week, month, or year. It’s gonna take time, but I think I owe it to myself to take some time for myself. Basically, I don’t want to be stuck in a rut where I constantly question myself, and I need to stop while I’m not too far behind. That’s what the quote means to me.

“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” — Brad Paisley

This particular quote will actually inspire a possible passion project if Mrs. Sibley would approve of me switching out another project. We’re all literaries, minus Blake but he’s an honorary literary. Writing is more than a hobby for us. If we compare our lives to a piece of writing, what would it say about you? My book wouldn’t even be a bestseller, but that’s okay. At least I know my closest friends would buy a copy, or maybe they’d share one book and lend it out on certain days. However, I plan to change that. I want my book mean something, and if I need to alter something about myself, then guess what I’m doing?

“What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t even happened yet.” — Anne Frank

As my idol of sorts wrote, we don’t know what the future is bringing to us. At most, we know we’re graduating, but that’s it. This year, one of us could meet the love of our life. Another could get their dream job. Someone could adopt a pet and love it to pieces. The point is that we don’t know what’s in store for us, and it’s a beautiful thing. Mystery can be great, but that depends on your outlook of life. I think we should live every day focusing on the positive of that day. Give whatever bad moment you encountered a thought, but discard it for the rest of the day. Unless it’s something extremely sensitive.

“We are the authors of our destinies.” ― Nike Campbell-Fatoki

Again, we’re literaries. A good part of our lives revolve around writing. Well, it does at this school. It’s up to us how our life will turn out. Sure, bad decisions can’t be avoided, but even then, that depends on the angle you look at it from. The only thing we can do is take control and rewrite whatever was already written for us.

And so, as of 3:15 A.M., I will begin improving upon myself for the rest of this decade. I encourage those who read this post to do the same. Happy New Decade, literaries. Here’s a great spring semester, and seniors, we’re so close to the end. Hang in there because in 140 days, we’ll officially be done with high school. Then it’s on to the next stage of our lives.

 

Moving Forward

Mountains of crumbled up sketches would regularly pile up by my trash can. Entire sketchbooks would be filled with hundreds of drawings I would later be ashamed to look at. As much as I enjoy drawing, there are times when I had to push through drawings I did not want to finish. Much like life, my artistic journey has ups and downs. The frustration of not living up to my own expectations makes it difficult to find any energy to keep moving forward. There are times when I wonder if I can even live up to my vision at all. “Maybe I should not continue down this road.” “Maybe I am not good enough.” These thoughts would haunt me regularly.

However, since I have decided to continue my journey, I now see a glimmer of hope in the darkness before me. I do have a chance. Now I actually feel like I can reach my goal. All I needed was patience. Personal endeavors worth pursuing do not change someone’s abilities instantaneously. It confirms that what I do is much more than just a hobby. Without a shadow of a doubt, art is my passion. My creative vision is something I must see through to the very end, despite the many hurdles in the shadowy road ahead. My art is the torch that helps illuminate the uncertainty before me. It is a torch I will proudly continue to carry.

Sometimes all it takes is staying true to yourself and having patience to eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. After all,the results of a worthwhile project do not show up immediately. If you are doubting yourself, just remember that you may just need a little time before you can reach your goals. We may all walk very different paths with many twists and turns, but it is important for everyone to have that light in their lives. In the meantime, do not forget to appreciate what you can already do. It is easy for many people to feel like the days start blurring together, but being mentally present each day makes the journey feel fulfilling rather than a means to an end. Not every day will be great, but there are days worth appreciating. Some days might even be a blessing in disguise. No one can guarantee what your future will hold, but we must all remember to keep moving forward.

2019…. hooo boy.

Oh, 2019. You were complete, utter, festering trash. You seemed to last forever, and good god, did you leave like you came: stumbling through the door with a blood-curling scream.

The last year started out well enough for me if I’m honest. In January, I got to visit my partner who lives in Arizona, and it was very nice to get to visit them for the first time. Also, in mid-April, they were able to come to my hometown to go to my prom, and we had a blast during it. However, I would call most of my experience with 2019… a hot mess. Just… a hot mess.

I found that many times during 2019, I was succumbing to what I like to call “writer’s fatigue.” This is a condition that I find myself often succumbing to- where I get exhausted with a piece- and try as I may, I found that it was very difficult to overcome this sense of fatigue.

And even though I found myself often battling this fatigue, I found that I was still able to create some fantastic works both for school and for my own projects as well. I want to show one of them here:

Pandora

Pinned with the blame
of releasing all that is evil;
my beauty was created
to bring destruction to mankind.

I was created with clay
like every other man,
but life was breathed into me
by the winds of the earth.

I was clothed in majesty,
given a heart of lust,
a mind of lies,
and given the name “All Gifted”

I did not have a desire
to be brought into this world-
my creation was a punishment
to those who dared to trick a god.

My beauty was bestowed
upon my body
to hide the very venom
that one could see in my eyes.

I did not choose to be created.
I did not choose to unleash evil.
I did not choose to be hated by men.
I did not get the chance to choose.

“Pandora” was written as a part of a poetry collection I began to work on that I titled “Heavenly Vices,” and if I’m honest, it’s a collection that I am very proud of. I also created a collection of poems about cults and their leaders, like the following:

Gates of Heaven

Listen closely
oh children of mine,
so I may show you
God’s newest sign.

In Hale-Bopp’s tail
Heaven’s ship rides;
now it is time
to say our goodbyes.

We’ve communed together
for years and years-
we’ve shared our dreams,
our secrets, and fears.

So fill your pockets
with quarters and pennies,
cover your heads,
and repeat after me:

“Our God will now
take us away-
we’ve been preparing
for this day.

Heaven will be
a sight to see;
we’ll see again
our savior, Ti.

Our shoes are tied,
and still we lie.
Prepare yourself-
do not cry.

So count your blessings
and swallow your pride.
To Heaven’s Gate
we now will fly.”

“Gates of Heaven” and others in that collection are the ones that I am the proudest of. Because of this, I am hoping that I can continue to make works like this in the upcoming year. Thankfully, it appears that my writing fatigue is finally starting to fade away, and I am finding more and more that I am able to focus on projects and stay on task. It is my hope that this year, things will get better. I want to improve as a person just as much as I want to improve as a writer. And my ultimate goal is to end this new year better than I started it.

Learning To Be Alone

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself, and it has been the hardest, most uplifting time of my life. About two months ago, I ended up getting a room by myself, and it was really scary for me at first because I had never been truly on my own in my entire life. I always shared a room with my sister or (of course) had a roommate. The feeling was very new to me, and I knew that it was going to take some time to get used to.

The first two weeks were really rough. It was very silent when I woke up, and throughout the entire day as well. I had two off blocks at the time, so I spent a lot of time in my room. I know you’re probably thinking, “Vic, don’t you have friends?” and the answer is yes, I do have friends, but at the time, everyone was studying and worrying about their own problems. Therefore, there wasn’t much time to hang out. I spent most of my time on my phone watching Tiktok or making Tiktoks (HA). Looking back at this, I wasted a lot of valuable time that I could have used to do more productive things instead of trying to distract myself from my loneliness.

It wasn’t until during Thanksgiving break that I started to improve myself and make myself be more productive. I also had the house to myself for half of the week, so that too was a time where I was forced to be alone, but it helped me so much. During the break I really self reflected. I evaluated myself and my toxic traits, and this led me to realizing that it’s okay to be alone sometimes.

Once I got back to school, I spent even more time in my room. I liked it. I could be myself and do the things I wanted to do. All of the things I thought required the company of other people really only required myself. After the break, I decided to tap into my creative side because I realized that I hadn’t done that in a while. I painted a lot more and journaled every day. I prioritized not only my school work and the things I needed to do, but also my mental health and loving myself. It was through all of this that I realized that in the end, you’re only going to have yourself. Sometimes you are going to have to be your own best friend, and that is okay. It’s okay to detach and take personal steps towards growing and developing as a person.

Through these past two months, I’ve not only learned how to be happy when I’m alone, but I’ve also learned how to balance my social life with my work life. I prioritize my work and put everything else second. For me, I’ve really fallen in love with working on things that I’m passionate about. It used to feel like my discipline work was a chore, but now I’m so eager to get the next assignment.

I’ve also stopped using sleep as an escape from my problems. I used to sleep in order to get away temporarily from my problems, which is not a good coping mechanism at all and could dig your hole even deeper than it already is. I found that staying up just a little longer to work a bit more on projects or to study for tests can show such a large improvement in your life. If anything, I definitely feel more prepared and less stressed.

These past two months have really helped me to calm my stress. I didn’t realize that most of my stress was coming from NOT being alone enough, not giving myself time to recollect myself and do the things I needed to do.

Anyways, that’s my spill on self love and doing what’s best for you. New chapters are good; I promise. Even the worst memories can turn into great ones if you change your perspective and find the lessons within them.

The Year of Change

Happy New Year! I figured that this year would be one of the most significant years of my life. Not only am I graduating high school, but I am also turning eighteen. Those are two really great accomplishments, taking into consideration the way this cold world is going right now. I have heard so many young black males not making it to eighteen or graduation due to violence and lack of structure or discipline. So, I decided to make a pretty big decision on the first Saturday of this year. I cut my hair. I had the same hairstyle for roughly seven years.

The number one reason I had to let the hair go was that so much came with that hair. Not even taking into consideration the upkeep of the hair. The constant washing, moisturizing, and shaping of it. There was a bit of trauma and disaster that came along with it. Though it was beautiful, it was damaged, and so was I. At the time, I felt the best thing I could do was cut it all off. It took a bit of a tole on me, and still sort of is, but that is only because of the length of time I kept it.

I always said that I was ready to make a change in my life, but how can I make a change if I have been looking at the same person for a number of years. In order for me to change positively, I had to cut some things out of my life. The hair just happened to be a part of the things I had to change. I am growing it back, but that will take months. I am allowing myself those months to heal from the things that dismantled any unstable components of my life.

This year, a lot is changing in my life. I will be considered a legal adult soon, I will be leaving a school that I consider home, and I will be starting a higher education process at a new school. There is no possible way I will allow myself to carry the burdens and baggage of the version of me from months and in some cases, even years ago.

At this stage of my life, I just plan to take the lessons I have learned and apply them into my everyday life so that I can achieve so many exceptional things in this lifetime. Then, take those same lessons and pass them down to those behind me and hopefully make a change in this world.