Month: March 2019

Feb 25

2:10 pm

My left eye is hurting and I wish it would stop because it’s the only thing keeping me from focusing.

Feb 27

12:24 pm

I feel like it’s September again.

1:06 pm

I’m in the handicap stall. I always feel guilty when I do this because what if someone actual needs it? What if I walked out and they’re leaning on their crutches, waiting. What do I say? Sorry, I like the space in the biggest stall better, and I feel less trapped? Does this make me a bad person?

3:11 pm

I drank Diet Coke thinking it would soothe my dry throat.

3:17 pm

I understand why my brother always carries a book. It gives people a reason not to talk to you and gives you a distraction from people not talking to you.

Feb 27

12;02 am

The world is cruel and unfair for no reason. Some kid today got the diagnosis that he has leukemia. He probably didn’t know what that meant. His mom probably could only explain to him that he wouldn’t be able to play soccer for a while because how do you explain to a six year old that they’re dying. It’s easier to just explain that they’re sick and tell them they’ll get better for next soccer season. If they live to next soccer season. Or even worse maybe a kid didn’t get diagnosed today and never will. They will leave silently and painfully and maybe no one will mourn for them. Today a dog got put down. Today several dogs got put down. Not even ones who got to live a long, loved life. Ones that take up too much space in an animal shelter. Ones that didn’t know love until the vet was stroking their fur while they got euthanized. Hoe does the world let a dog who has never slept in till noon in a queen size bed with a loving owner die? The same world who (Insert: and maybe cruel things don’t fit in some box. Letting a person live a mediocre life could be cruel idk???)

7:27 am

Last night I had a dream that someone told me we didn’t have school tomorrow. I don’t remember who it was but I just remember feeling loved.

March 3

1:04 am

When I was 7 my biggest fear is that when I swallowed gum it’d stay in my stomach for seven years, churning and churning. I can’t vouch that it did because was I turned 14 I was too hyper focused on other things to realize if it had come and gone.

March 7

1:08 pm

I think that’s the dumbest thing.

March 10

1:41 pm

My bones crack like tiny bird bones.

March 14

7:44 pm

I like the sound of when people in love laugh. It’s really pretty.

March 15

11:45 am

One time I saw a woman and what I assumed was her father sitting across from her father sitting across from each other at a Johnny Rockets. The woman was so tiny that wind could knock her dead over. The man was wearing overalls; could have been a farmer. The entire time they sat there, they sat in silence. The daughter couldn’t even look him in the eye. She curled herself in her seat, focused on the floor instead of him. The father looked at her, almost pleading for her to say the words he couldn’t find. Their food got to the table. I think that they both got a burger, or at least the daughter did. She scarfed down half of her burger, not touching her fries. I looked away to eat my own food, and when I looked back she was gone, and her dad was eating the empty food she didn’t eat, his own plate empty. After he finished, he wobbled up to the counter, paid, and left.

March 18

11:44 pm

I like feeling the cold dorm air against my skin.

When I was younger, I would get into my grandma’s make-up drawer. I’d cover my face with her way-to-dark foundation because back then I thought it was meant to make you tanner. I’d then cover my cheeks with bright pink blush until I looked like a piece of bubble gum. My lips and teeth would be a dark brown, and my eyelids would be electric blue. By god, did I feel beautiful. My grandma would laugh at me and take pictures of me with her pink motorola  flip phone while I strutted my stuff all through the house. Later she’d scrub my face raw and hold me in the recliner while I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t want the make-up to come off.

I used to be a pageant queen back then. I won every single one I was in. I can only really remember the last one though. My aunt did my hair for it, and I hated it. I threw a tantrum over my hair, and I just knew I wasn’t going to win. I placed third, and little me was not okay with being third. The newspaper had a picture of first, second, and me, and my hair wasn’t the mess. Mascara was running down my face in streams. Mama said I threw my trophy out the car window. I was never in another pageant. I was okay with it. In my head, if I didn’t win, then that must mean I wasn’t beautiful anymore.

Pageants were out, Capri pants and horses were in. My uncle was a cowboy, and he tended to a rich man’s horses. I’d go to the barn all the time and ride them, feed them, and sometimes just talked to them because my uncle said they liked that. One day I got a Shetland pony named Sparkle, and my brother tried to help me train it. One day Sparkle bucked me off, and I cried like I was dying. I never rode another horse. I wasn’t strong enough.

I lost confidence in myself. I gained a lot of weight, started getting depressed, and spent a lot of time alone. I was smart, but that was about it. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t strong. I was just a nerd.

Then Junior High came around, and I started wearing make-up again, maybe to much eyeliner, but my foundation almost matched my face. I lost a lot of weight, but I was also doing some really stupid things. I got diagnosed with depression. I died my hair a bright red, I wore all black, listened to screamo metal, and wrote poetry about death,but hey, I was cool and pretty now.

I hung out with the wrong crowd for a while, but I learned a lot about myself through those years. You’re going to change a lot over the course of life. We go through phases, and spend so much time trying to figure out who we are, but the truth is that we change, every day. Sometimes our failures bring us to a new chapter of our lives, and sometimes those chapter aren’t so well written, but no matter who you are, or what phase of your life you’re in at the moment, you’re strong. You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You’re worth it keep moving, because you’re heading somewhere.

I know, I know. It’s the dreaded topic: college. If y’all know me or interacted with me enough, you’ll know that I love doing research on colleges. So I started another search for colleges in the south since I won’t be able to go to college in Boston like I really want to. College Board is my go-to when it comes to a college search, and I love the site because it also doubles as a bit of a study tool for AP, ACT, SAT, and other big tests out there. For this blog, I’m going to feature a list of some of my top colleges.

For my search, I narrowed it down to a college that would have a large amount of students, has a major in English and/or journalism, has a rich student life, and would offer study abroad options. When I say student life, I mean that the college would have traditions for the students. Mississippi State has the kettle bell that they ring for every game day, for example. I just like thinking about sharing something with a large group of people. When I first started my search, I wanted to go to a college that had a football team, so I could go to games because I love the energy of others at huge sporting events. It’s infectious, I’ve noticed. However, that’s not relevant.

1. University of Houston 

I really only started to look at University of Houston Monday night, but I’ve already fallen in love with the school. To be honest, this school really does tick off all of the boxes on my checklist. A large student body? Check. Majors in English and journalism? Check. Study abroad options? Check. Student life/traditions? Check! And as an added bonus, a football team! There was also a law passed in Texas where any state-funded school has to admit anyone who applies there as long as they reach certain requirements. At the moment, I reach one of the requirement options, so I just have to focus on boosting my ACT score to get a scholarship there.

2. Northeastern University

Northeastern was my true #1 option, but my parents have already decided that there is no way in Hades I’m going to go to college in Boston. This university met all of my requirements, except the football one, which was fine. They have a hockey team instead. I’m contemplating still applying there, but it is probably best to not bother with wasting the money. I still love Northeastern though. 

3. University of Mississippi

Ole Miss is another college that meets all of my requirements, along with my football one. They also have a good baseball team. I remember going on a field trip there for a conference and seeing a game there. That’s when I realized how much I love the energy from crowds and the pride students have in their school. Ole Miss is actually the only college I’ve been at – I’ve only seen the others through videos and digital tours. 

4. Millsaps College

The funny thing about Millsaps is that my journalism teacher went there for college, and she kind of acts as their recruitment officer at school. She would tell me that I should go to Millsaps because they had a great writing program, but that was really it. She also managed to get two other kids to actually go to the college, so if I decide to go there and get admitted, we’d be reunited. She would say it so often during class that the upperclassmen in the class with me would also tell me to go to Millsaps – the two I mentioned included. The college meets all of my requirements technically, but I’m not exactly interested in their football team for whatever reason.

 

 

I just spent the last three days applying for a scholarship program I know I’ll never get. Now that I’m done with it, I can’t help but be upset. I’m not upset because the requirements are outrageous. I’m not upset because I’ve been working so hard to get it all done. I’m not upset that I got my hopes up. I’m upset because if I would have put in more effort in the past three years of my life, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

I’m smart. I know this, but not smart enough. I’m not brilliant. I don’t have a 32 on the ACT. Hell, I’m barely hanging onto my 3.5 GPA. I’m mediocre, and I think now that I realize this, I’m starting to realize how big my dreams are, and how I may not ever be able to accomplish them. And this is all due to the fact that I slacked off my freshman and sophomore year. 

But maybe going to this school has gotten to my head. That somehow this school is going to magically pave the way of my future, like the last two years of my life don’t matter. But it doesn’t work like that. All those B’s are still on my transcript. I know people say there is no such thing as a permanent record, but that transcript is pretty damn permanent. 

Maybe I needed all of this in order for me to realize that there’s no way I can be perfect. I’m so tired of trying to make everything I do perfect because I’m not. I never will be, and that is okay.

I’m just gonna continue to be the best me possible, and to stop trying to be this above average person. 

Lesson: It’s okay to be average. We can’t all be geniuses, but it’s up to you how close you get.

(This is all over the place, and I’m sorry about that. I just needed to say all of this.)

I’m low-key (very high-key) jealous of people who are constantly on the go. That’s something I’ve wanted to do so often. Since I was little, going to different states always satisfied me. Going to different places and seeing the difference between them and Mississippi is one of the best things in the world. I love enjoying different home restaurants and foreign scenery. It gives me a sense of hope, in a way, and I feel completely good inside. However, it seems like I traveled a bit more when I was younger than now, when I really need it. Although, last summer I traveled quite a bit. I went to the mountains in North Carolina, Detroit, and Manhattan. Being in those places made me feel so free and staying here makes me realize just how badly I miss going out and seeing those different places. 

It’s also allowed me to see that I can’t stay here. I feel that I’ve become a person who can’t stay attached to one place for too long, especially not Mississippi. In no way am I trying to put down the state and say it’s disgustingly terrible, but it’s genuinely just not for me. It’s home but I know it’s not home home – my permanent home. I find myself seeing people on Instagram and other social media platforms that live in different states and countries and it makes me kind of sad. It makes me feel like I’m missing that place that makes me completely happy. I’ve already made up different plans in my head, like traveling to Okinawa, England, Australia, and Canada to see if they’re for me. Those aren’t even half of the countries I want to visit. I want to go all out and experience all of the culture and meet new people. That’s all the medicine I need. 

This is an art piece I am very proud of. It is very powerful and meaningful.

This Piece is simply titled “dinosaur tennis.” As you can tell, there is no capitilization, and that part is completely intentional. Dinosaur tennis is a metaphor for life, as we are all dead on the inside, and have indulged in the good fun of not only tennis, but many other sports. Dinosaur tennis is representative of those tired teenagers who long for the weekends, or the future days in the sun.

The color pallet is very limited. primary colors with the exception of the stegosaurus, who is the outlier in the crowd. The stegosaurus wants everyone to be unique and individual, just as they are to this piece.

The tennis ball represents the sport of tennis. However, it can also represent alot of other things. The void. The light. The hopes and dreams we all hold dear to our hearts. Everything in life can be rounded, and unending. the circular tennis ball is the same. Circles have no end.

The tennis net is more than a net. It is our feelings. our emotions. A net that means we are trapped. We are caught in whatever is holding us back. When can we break free? One may never know, but at least we can laugh and have good humor while we wait. Life is a waiting game. Dinosaur tennis is a waiting game.

While the sun is not intentionally representative of a religious figure, One can perceive it that way. If you wish to take it as a figure watching down upon you, seeing  your every action, i have no right to stop you. Art can be metaphorical, but all metaphors are different. I only wish for the sun to be the sun. A big wad of fire, just as the tennis ball is a circle. Circles are reoccurring in ones life. My life has a lot of circles. Donuts in the parking lot, donuts in the cafeteria. I love circles that are donuts.

What do you get from dinosaur tennis? do you see meaning and value? or do you see something much more simple than that? what is your dinosaur tennis? Have you seen a dinosaur before? Is tennis real? Is anything real? The earth is a sponge and I am its oyster.

Who are you?
What did you do to me?
When did you trap me in this love?
Where were we? 
Why not someone else?

Who am I to care about you?  Who am I to worry about you, every day? Who am I to run to you, even when I do not want to?

What is this feeling I feel when we talk and when we do not talk? What is this sound my heart makes when I hear your voice? What is this smile that comes, when you make me laugh, or the frown that comes when you make me cry? What is this disappointment I feel, when you let me down?

When did I fall? When did you fall, if you fell at all? When did we fall, if we fell together? When will you fall, or will you ever fall?

Where did I meet you? Where did you meet me? Where did we meet, what day, what time? Where will we meet again? Where will my heart meet yours, if they are on their way to the same destination?

Why do I love you? Why do you love me, if you love me at all? Why will you not tell me, or let me go?

All the questions I should not have if we were falling in love... together.

9:14 pm

The smell of six day old Diet Coke from Sonic is soothing. It is mostly melted ice but it still smells exactly like Sonic Diet Coke and last weekend when it was dark outside and I begged to stop for Diet Coke. I’m heating up pizza rolls for the second time today. Why can’t I have a 50 count if I want to? My brain would say its because it’s too much and I’ve already eaten so much today, and maybe I have, but if I were to verbalize it I’d say it’s because I’m full. That’s a lie. I’m never full and maybe it’s because I haven’t been hugged today or I haven’t had enough pizza rolls or maybe because I remembered that my parents put me down and never picked me back up or maybe I realized that everything is so fleeting and I’m just grasping at air like tickets at Chuck E. Cheese. Like when I’d go to some kid’s birthday party, never my own because mom always told me next year, even though I always knew next year we wouldn’t have the money either, when the birthday kid would grasp at the floating tickets. Except I can’t cash in tickets for some temporary tattoos or bouncy balls. Except I don’t catch any either because it’s not my birthday, even though in my daydream it is, because my Chuck E. Cheese birthday party is next year, right mom? Six pizza rolls are left on the plate and if I’m still not full after that I’m not sure I have the heart in me to heat up the rest. However, after those ten pizza rolls left in in the bag I’m sure it wouldn’t do much. Maybe those Chuck E. Cheese prizes have been the missing link. My birthday is in in a couple of months and I really hope that this is the year.

I am writing this for the comfort of others, in case there is anyone who feels and/or thinks the same way as I....

I constantly tell people it is not safe to leave me anywhere alone. Simply because it means all that I have is me and my thoughts. Those things are not safe, at all. Most of the time, I do a mental re-cap of my day. I think about the things I did,the things I could have done, the things I should not have done, the things I said, the things I could have said, or the things I should not have said.

And if I am not doing that, I am over-thinking about the things I have to do for the next day, week, month, or year. Lately, I have been finding myself doing it more than usual though. I honestly believe it is because of the time of year it is. It is getting close to the end of the year, which means that I am about to be a senior. That also means that next year, people are going to be really looking up to me. In my mind, I keep asking myself, “Is this really happening, right now?” Surprisingly, myself answers back and says, “Yeah, it is. There is nothing you or I can do about it. So, buckle up and prepare for the ride.” It is just…. unbelievable.

I am already planning out all of the activities I am going to do or lead, the room I want to reside in, who I want to reside with (both room and suite wise), and what all I want for the room. I did not realize that I am such a critical thinker, especially of myself. I do not necessarily think it is a bad thing though. It just makes me feel as though I have a lot on me. Even though I know most of this stuff is not due until NEXT YEAR. I will be alright though, I think.

See what I mean about leaving me with my thoughts. This is what happens when I'm left with my thoughts. SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!

Wow, I’ve been really busy lately. Its convention season, which means you guys get to hear all about my convention experiences and costumes I’m working on. Not much I can say at the moment, but i’m planning a whole bunch of Danganronpa cosplays. Maybe a big sewing project over spring break. Lots of props.

Recently I turned seventeen, which is pretty cool I guess. I’ve survived a whole bunch of days. In the grand scheme of things, it may not be that long. But it could be half my life. We won’t know until later in life. Interesting thought. Live your best life, just in case a bad day at seventeen ends up being your actual midlife crisis.

Last weekend, I worked at a local dad/daughter dance. They needed a princess, and I happened to cosplay Princess Ariel. It was really fun! I got to do a lot of improv to answer all the questions that were thrown at me. I got to dance around with my ‘new’ legs. As you guys know, I have two versions of Ariel, one of them being the mermaid tail, and the other being the dress she wears in the boat scene. The mermaid tail isn’t too fun to move around in.

I celebrated my birthday with some of my hometown friends by going free prom dress shopping. you heard it right, free prom dresses. We had went to the mall to hang out, and ended up getting dresses. It was some type of charity or foundation- ill look up the details sometime- that gave old prom dresses to girls in the seventh-twelfth grade. It was a really cool experience to go dress shopping with a few friends. We weren’t even planning on doing that! it was very in the moment.

I’m waiting on some pictures from a cool photo shoot I did recently to come in. I recreated a scene from the exorcist, and its pretty cool.

So, overall, lots of cool things going on!