Month: March 2019

if only i had been there when you were born

i bet your eyes were beautiful

and your nose rounded, tiny as a button

i’m sure the nurses and doctors

swooned as they set you in your mother’s arms

little did they know…

if only i had been there when you were brought home

when your brother held you

when the mystery man that was your father

probably wasn’t even there

if only i had been there when your sister

was brought into this world with pneumonia in her lungs

and her tiny chest clenched under clouds of cigarette smoke

if only i had been there when you were nine years old

walking around the streets  alone

with nothing to protect yourself but your baby teeth

already visiting milestones you shouldn’t have had to-

that you shouldn’t have even known about

if only i had been there when you lived in that hotel

when your mother came home

still decked out in her revealing work clothes

and passed out on the floor

then proceeded to cover herself in

feces, urine, and bile 

and as your sister poked at her

your brother told her to stop because

she was probably going to die

all the while you ate chips in front of a TV

if only i had been there when you poured alcohol

down your throat for the first time

such a young age to be destroying your liver

such a young age to search for escape

if only i had been there the first time you

questioned your existence

which was probably much earlier than i’d like to think

if only i had been there when your tummy

began to cave in on itself

because there wasn’t enough food

and if their was the roaches would claim it first

when your skin was frail because there wasn’t enough love

if only i had been there when you smoked your first cigarette

just to cough and continue

because a habit made you feel more real

if only i had been there when your mother came home

piss drunk and higher than mount denali

when you drug her inside and she hit you

and hit you and hit you

until you pushed back and she fell

screaming

you’re not my son, you’re not my son

if only i had been there when you

swore to yourself

you’d never fall in love

but did it anyway

all for girls who would break you down

and use you

and lie, and lie, and lie

to break your trust

just like all the rest

if only i had been there when you gave up

on anything and everyone

just to yell  

to clouds

secretly hoping God may hear you

if only i had been there when you told girls

they were beautiful

to fill in their insecurities

not because you meant it

but because it was easy

and they would open up every time

so that you could find release

since that is what you were taught to do

by your own mother

to use and use and use

until there is nothing left

and you have to find another fix

if only i had been there.

if only i had been there.

now you are the plate your mother flung at the wall

behind her boyfriends head

where it broke and shattered

i am still sweeping up the pieces and

picking shards from the carpet

i will find all of them soon

and slowly glue them back together

there will still be the jagged lines form the forceful blow

but there won’t be a single missing piece

you will be whole

no matter how scarred

if only i had been there

i would have rather been there

not because my life was worse

god no

it was sunshine and daisies

and lilypads and water hoses

open fields and love

slip ‘n slides and winter coats

weekends with my grandparents and trips to disney world

where i complained about the blisters on my feet

while you begged for a light in the dark

my father built me a swing of rubber and rope

and i would fly as high as the house

to jump into a kiddie pool my mom had bought

i remember the feeling of the sun on my skin

and the wind in my face

and i can’t help but wonder what was happening to you

in those moments

i would give up every memory

to have been there

if only i had been there

if only i had been beside you

if only i had held you

if only i had carried you away from hell

if only i had been yours.

if only i had saved you the heartache

if only if only if only if only

“what would you have done?”

now you are looking at me

strange smile

almost angry

disbelieving

i touch the palm of your hand to my lips

“well…” i lay my cheek in your hand

“i would have loved you… and i think that’s all you ever wanted.”

Hi hello, this is just a little thing I wrote for an English project. It’s not much, but I would like to develop it into something more. It’s about being a woman and the struggles we endure. Enjoy…

Shortly after I finished college, I went out seeking a job. I was a Journalism major told that women can’t write, so that motivated me that much more.

Applying for jobs was exhausting, and there were nights where I wondered if I chose the right major, but then I got a phone call. It was a small town magazine company that was located in the big city. They wanted to interview me, and like any recent grad, I was ecstatic.

The day of the interview I prepared myself as expected, and even a bit more just to be safe. I got in my taxi and road five blocks away to the place that could be my future workplace.

Stepping into that office room, I could not explain my excitement. The interview went well, and the editor even had a few words for me.

He said, “Now if only you were a man,” and ended it will a giggle.

Right then and there I felt my face get red and my nails dig into the palms of my hands from making a fist. I said, “Thank you, have a good day,” to the best of my ability, and walked right out of that building with no hopes of returning.

I got back in the taxi and went home.
I sat at my desk with a cup of tea, and started my hunt for a job once again.

I envy people that feel really comfortable in their own skin. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself or feel just at the lowest of lows with myself. However, I’m not too pleased with everything about myself. Of course, it’s typical teenage insecurities but I just want to do something about it. When I was younger, I didn’t really care too much about my appearance. I’d wear whatever and I didn’t care if I looked ‘cute’ or not. It didn’t matter. Now, though, it matters so much to me. It honestly surprises me how much I care about these matters now because I hated anything that dealt with dressing up or looking nice. I go on social media and see so many people wearing aesthetic or vintage clothes that look so nice and cool and I want to wear those things. But then I look at myself and immediately doubt that I could wear those things. I don’t think I’d look right in them. I try on clothes that I find so cute but immediately put it back if my arms show too much or my legs look too big. If I have to go a size up, I just don’t get it – especially if it’s not meant to be over sized. It just really sucks. I want to find confidence but I don’t have the motivation to exercise daily. But, thinking about all this kind of gives me the adrenaline to push so that I can be smaller again and feel pretty. I know it’ll take a while but I can get there. My goal is to go back to my original weight when I started high school. I’m going to get there no matter how much it takes. I just want to be able to be comfortable when I go out. I’m gonna do it, though. I swear to it.

Something I find infinitely inch resting, is that everyone has their own text messages on their own phone, and nobody’s is alike. Like the one’s on my phone aren’t the same on your phone, unless we are texting each other that it is. And even if the messages are the same or similar, they could have completely different meanings! Which just blows my mind!! And it just made me think, what was on my phone. It’s also very inch resting to see mine and other people’s texting vernacular and patterns. So,here’s a list of text messages I have on my phone. (me, other people)

is it just me or does Hamilton exude serious Sagittarius energy?

yoga looked like a cult last night

I’m gonna buy some mice from the pet store and release them into the yard so Sarah has something to do

i feel like the rapture could be happening and you’d still be there

Yeah, kill the economy by drive insurance premiums while tanking the job market. 

I’m trying to decide if I slept too long and that’s why I hurt all over OR I have the flu.

Will update

I’ll forever feel bad about what I did

anything old school Miley speaks to my soul on a spiritual level

the sky was this pinkish peach color that you talked about one time tonight on the beach and I swear to the sky above if you were a color that’s what you’d look like

only weenies cheat

He has the heart and body of a weasel

I miss you

Like in my heart

miss you too

In your heart?

in my heart

Costar is out for your blood sis

you.  got aloe?

///////////////

Would my dog eat me if I died?

She wouldn’t even think about it. She would lay beside you and wait for you to get up, and when you don’t she would paw at the door until someone notices. When they do, she’ll lay where you once were, and wait. Wait forever. 

How do I keep my tulip from dying?

Love it with everything. Water it gently, turn it towards the sun, and play soft music for it. Talk about your day, tell it how your’re feeling. Give it a name. Maybe something like Lily or Delilah. Make it your best friend. Comfort the tulip and let it comfort you.  Doing these things, it will never die on you. 

Is it certain that the people you love most will stay in your life?

Even if they leave for a while, they are always set to return.

What comes after death?

Whatever you believe is going to happen. If  you manifest it, then it will be true. The afterlife is what you make it. 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Sometimes, the bad situation makes them a better person in the end. They learn and grow and then emerge the other side stronger. 

I saw a doe get hit by a car last week, and on the bank of the road I could see her babies. What is going to happen to them?

They will become apart of one of those viral stories where a dog, most likely a golden retriever, adopts them, and raises them as one of her own. Then when they’re fully grown, they will venture out, but always coming back to their golden. 

Will those fawns be hit by cars too?

Of course not. They’ve learned to not cross roads. 

Are you telling the truth or are you saying what I want to hear?

I would never lie to you. 

a wise person once said “life is measured in how many wizard hats one can wear.”

I have finally achieved the true potential of life, which is otherwise known as wearing a wizard hat. Hats made specifically for wizards. only the chosen few can wear such an item. In this scenario, I am said chosen one.

But this blog isn’t just about my wizard hat. Its about the life experiences I have had since obtaining the wizard hat.

Finally playing something at full volume on my portable speaker 

I played some Beach Boys songs at full blast. Yes, I know, i’m such an old soul. Only listen to classics. Not really though, I just like the music and felt the proper way to play it was at full blast while alone in my room. It’ an expierence everyone should have at some point.

Eating a flower

I saw someone eat a flower, so naturally I ate one too. Apparently some flowers are safe to eat. Some are supposed to help with things. Like salads, and how they’re more healthy than cookies and soda. Except eating salad is more socially acceptable than eating flowers

Not getting my ACT score

Everyone else keeps getting their ACT scores. I’m still patiently waiting on mine. Hopefully it’s decent.

Nevermind I actually just got my score

It’s decent.

Waking up before my alarm

I woke up before my alarm, and was very happy to wake up to silence, instead of a blaring WHO’S PHONE IS RINGING? MINE! MINE! As I do most mornings

getting my card declined on a $6 pizza

I got my card declined on pizza. I struggled alot that day.

Getting outbidded on Ebay

;(

Revising a play

I had to take a lot out of it, but, hey, it has been completed.

I’m hungry.

I am always hungry. Food is amazing. Fast food is really nice too. Don’t eat your food too fast. It makes your stomach hurt. And don’t survive on a strict diet of Dr.  Pepper. I’ve learned my lesson with that. It makes your stomach hurt. Make better eating choices than I do.

As you can see, the wizard hat has given me many life experiences that I would not have had without a wizard hat. The wizard hat has a magical property that gives me cool stuff like flowers to eat. What a life I’m living.

Thank you for your time.

The Mask

Jack’s mask is a shroud of mystery
He comes off as a dark, brooding menace;
a role he plays well
He acts as if he’s ready to fight anyone

No one knows what lies under his mask
They’re too scared to get close
‘Will he hurt me if I say the wrong thing?’
Is a collective thought among our peers

They don’t know what’s under his mask,
But I do.

Under Jack’s mask is a sensitive, caring boy
He means no harm to anyone
He only wants a friend, someone to talk to
But his mask doesn’t allow that

His mask is made of thorns, sharp and ready to cut
While Jack is made of bright, blooming roses

His mask hides his true self
His happy, gentle side is being consumed
Consumed by his mask
Jack is losing himself, and I can see it

He’s hardly ever himself, even around me

I wish that I could destroy that mask of his

Because at this point, who is he really?
His mask or my Jack?

tired. of trying

tired. of caring

tired. of wondering

tired. of wanting

tired. of breathing

why try? why try when trying leads to confusion. confused by people’s reasons and thoughts.

why care? why care when caring leads to disappointment. disappointed by the world.

why wonder? why wonder when wondering leads to pain. the pain of a man just trying to make it.

why want? why want when wanting leads to emptiness. the emptiness of a mind, body, and soul.

why breathe? why breathe the same air as those who hurt me? why breathe the same air as those who chose to tear me down? why breathe the same air as those who feel as if they are superior to me? why breathe the same air as those who leave me to bleed? why breathe the same air as those… those… those people.

I’ve said in the past that I love indie games. Indie games come in all shapes and sizes, from adventure games to simple farming rpg’s. One of my favorite games of all time has to be Stardew Valley, a farming simulator made by a creator called ConcernedApe. Even though this game has a very simplistic goal- farming… basically- the art style of the game is what really makes this game stand out in my mind. The aesthetic of the game is amazing… I mean, just look at this!!

It’s absolutely beautiful!!

The premise of the game is very simple: you’ve inherited a farm from your grandfather, and you’ve traveled to Stardew Valley to rebuild the farm and help the villagers along the way.

The case of NPC characters is filled with interesting personalities.

There’s Lewis, the kind-hearted mayor who helps you get started on your farm…

Elliott, the introverted but kind writer who dreams of being published…

Abigail, the daughter of the town grocer who wants to venture beyond the small valley she’s called home her entire life…

And many, many more!!

I’ve spent more time than I care to mention on this game, really. Probably days worth of hours spent exploring this world, farming, making friends, and exploring the caves.

The best part about this game is that you don’t necessarily have to spend time farming to do well in the game. You can spend your time mining the ores, or fishing, or cutting down trees, and at the end of the day, selling all of that can give you a quite sizable profit. You can use this money to expand your house, upgrading your tools, or even buying farm animals to raise.

Did I mention that there are farm animals in this game? They’re all so cute! Except for the grown pigs. What went wrong, little piggy… what went wrong…

Who hurt you…

In any case, I love the farm animals. Chickens give you eggs, cows give you milk, et cetra et cetra. It’s another way to get money without actually having to build up a farm.

Even better, you can decorate your farm! You can decide what kind of fences you have, what kind of pathways you want, and even what kind of wallpapers you have on your house walls!

Overall, I really enjoy this game. It brings me a lot of peace. It’s like a digital safe space, almost. You can forget about your worries and just water some crops.

people would rather you be sad 

than bitter. i suppose they

find that easier

because at least when

you’re sad, 

it’s only you,

and your contemplation of

suicide

isn’t their fault

bitterness forces them to look in the mirror

and god forbid them having 

to see them selves. 

Bukowski was a wonderful poet

who became bitter 

following his sadness. 

the people liked him better before

when he slit his wrists, 

tried to suffocate himself with gas

they thought that better 

than a life spent 

drowning himself in liquor 

and hating the world.

regardless of opinion,

the bitter made him live longer.

he died at 74 

after battling leukemia

i can’t tell if that’s better.

often times he wrote

that God is dead.

his poetry was madness

disgusting

disrespectful

sometimes none of that

sometimes all 

maybe that made him 

interesting 

despite his flaws,

i am curious

if he went to heaven. 

do men who live a life

in hell

deserve to return in death? 

or is that another question

i’m not supposed to ask.