Author: Victoria Jerde

It came like the winter,
and a breeze that almost blew,
my brittle bones away,
once I spoke too soon.

Never break a pinky promise,
and that was set in stone,
along with the soft rock,
playing on the radio,
he never let me turn.

As my fifth finger,
wrapped around his,
I began to question,
his own motives,
and what he stood against.

I like Indie, too.
He kept a steady eye,
on the back road,
that lay before,
his rusting pick up.

I sat in unison,
with my soda pop,
in the palm of my hand,
careful not to look,
too dreary.
For he wouldn’t approve,
of anything of that sort.

Instead I stay still,
staring at the desert sand,
that scurries past us,
as we go 80,
on a speed limit of 60.
I rest my head back,
and close my billowing eyes,
thinking to myself,
I’ve already pinky promised,
and I can’t take it back.

She came to me in a whirlwind of majestic simplicity times three.

Her ethereal beauty stood out in a way that could not be explained.

Unpredictable, one might call it,

with a touch of charisma that you could sense from miles away.

She was out of this world with her bright purple hair,

roots coated in black.

Her skin the color of a ripe green apple.

The ones on mother’s table that never had a chance to rot.

This world was never enough for her,

always in search for the lovely underneath this cruel eclipse.

Finding nothing never surprised her,

yet it always disappointed her.

Leaving as quickly as she came,

this was never her home.

Crying her back,

in hopes of a return.

Hi hello, this is just a little thing I wrote for an English project. It’s not much, but I would like to develop it into something more. It’s about being a woman and the struggles we endure. Enjoy…

Shortly after I finished college, I went out seeking a job. I was a Journalism major told that women can’t write, so that motivated me that much more.

Applying for jobs was exhausting, and there were nights where I wondered if I chose the right major, but then I got a phone call. It was a small town magazine company that was located in the big city. They wanted to interview me, and like any recent grad, I was ecstatic.

The day of the interview I prepared myself as expected, and even a bit more just to be safe. I got in my taxi and road five blocks away to the place that could be my future workplace.

Stepping into that office room, I could not explain my excitement. The interview went well, and the editor even had a few words for me.

He said, “Now if only you were a man,” and ended it will a giggle.

Right then and there I felt my face get red and my nails dig into the palms of my hands from making a fist. I said, “Thank you, have a good day,” to the best of my ability, and walked right out of that building with no hopes of returning.

I got back in the taxi and went home.
I sat at my desk with a cup of tea, and started my hunt for a job once again.

I just spent the last three days applying for a scholarship program I know I’ll never get. Now that I’m done with it, I can’t help but be upset. I’m not upset because the requirements are outrageous. I’m not upset because I’ve been working so hard to get it all done. I’m not upset that I got my hopes up. I’m upset because if I would have put in more effort in the past three years of my life, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

I’m smart. I know this, but not smart enough. I’m not brilliant. I don’t have a 32 on the ACT. Hell, I’m barely hanging onto my 3.5 GPA. I’m mediocre, and I think now that I realize this, I’m starting to realize how big my dreams are, and how I may not ever be able to accomplish them. And this is all due to the fact that I slacked off my freshman and sophomore year. 

But maybe going to this school has gotten to my head. That somehow this school is going to magically pave the way of my future, like the last two years of my life don’t matter. But it doesn’t work like that. All those B’s are still on my transcript. I know people say there is no such thing as a permanent record, but that transcript is pretty damn permanent. 

Maybe I needed all of this in order for me to realize that there’s no way I can be perfect. I’m so tired of trying to make everything I do perfect because I’m not. I never will be, and that is okay.

I’m just gonna continue to be the best me possible, and to stop trying to be this above average person. 

Lesson: It’s okay to be average. We can’t all be geniuses, but it’s up to you how close you get.

(This is all over the place, and I’m sorry about that. I just needed to say all of this.)

Hi hello, Vic here. I’ve been really connecting with music lately, so I thought, “hey why not share it with other people?” With that being said, here are my top five songs that I listen to when I’m in five different moods. Enjoy.

• I Hope to Be Around- Men I Trust

I cannot stress enough how much I love Men I Trust. They have such an eccentric vibe. This song is what I like to listen to on a calm Sunday morning when I’m sitting at my desk by the big window. I’m usually painting at this time, or collaging. You know, soaking in all that sun. This song is definitely for a more calm, zen-like vibe, I guess you could call it.

• Feels Like Summer- Childish Gambino

I came across this song on my discover weekly a few months ago, and I just really liked it for the beat and sound. However, when I actually started listening to the lyrics I realized the deeper meaning behind this song. It’s talking about how our planet isn’t doing too good. As someone who is very passionate about this earth and what it has come to, this song really hit hard. It’s all around a great song, and has an amazing message behind it. I really appreciate what Childish Gambino did with this song.

• TEST DRIVE- Joji

This is the song I listen to when I’m in my feels, but I’m trying to get out of it. The song is sad when it comes to the lyrics, but the beat and music behind it is just kinda upbeat and chill. It’s very nice, and I recommend it to any sad boyz that are in need of a pick me up.

• Goodie Bad- Still Woozy

Still Woozy is currently my favorite artist. He has this funky taste with his music. It’s very unique and different, and I very much so enjoy it. Still Woozy is what I like to listen to when I’m at school or just walking around downtown. I’m not sure exactly why, it just serves me well, honestly.

• Somebody- Bazzi

This song is what I listen to when I’m in need of motivation and focus because the song itself is about reaching your goals and the obstacles and people that get in the way of that. It always reminds me that I have something that I’m committed to and nothing can get in the way of that.

Hello everyone! Me again. I don’t feel that I put myself personally on this blog, so I thought, what the heck, why not?

So, I had an intervention with a friend in which they told me that I read into things too deeply as if there is a hidden meaning in every little thing. I was shocked by this observation because after all, it is VERY true.

I guess I do this because I in fact do this. I almost always leave little hidden meanings in the things that I say. I don’t think I exactly mean to, and I wouldn’t exactly call it being passive. I think I just think differently.

I asked my friend if this is a bad thing. If hiding and looking for deeper meanings and hidden meanings in things is so bad. They then responded with something that completely changed my entire perspective of this: “Not everyone thinks the way that you do.”

I was taken back for a second because I guess I never really thought about this. Of course I didn’t think that everyone thought like me, but I also didn’t go around thinking that everyone thought completely different than me.

They also said, “Some people see things as black and white. You say something, and you mean it.”

This all ultimately led me to realize that it is okay for me to hide deeper meanings into the things I say, but to not expect other people to reciprocate or understand it.

It has been exactly nine days since I’ve been to school, and I see this as a blessing in disguise. During these last nine days I’ve been torn down in every way possible. My confidence has been tested and maybe even diminished. My aggravation has skyrocketed, and my stress has been high. I have let the words of others circulate my mind until it’s all I’ve been able to hear. I have procrastinated looking in the mirror, too scared of what I might see.

At the same time, I have this new level of assurance, like I’ve fallen and I’m just starting to get back up. I’m not fully up, but I’m right there on the edge. I have this little voice in my mind telling me, “their perceptions of you are false,” and I chose to believe it.

This week I realized I have to take things day by day. All this time I’ve been living in future thoughts that I’ve missed out on half of my high school career. I am so behind in the achievements that I could possess right now.

I believe I have awoken. Time has gone by so quickly and I can’t help but wonder, “did I waste it?” But see, I don’t believe I have.

One thing I learned this week is that everything I’ve ever done has led me to this moment right now. Every decision I’ve made. Every single mistake has led me to this moment right here. I’d be lying if I told you I’m not okay with the person I’ve become because I am so proud of myself. I’ve overcome so many challenges and barriers throughout these past few years. These events have taught me brilliant lessons that I will forever hold dear to me. I know now that if those situations would have never occurred, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I also learned that the only thing that is holding me back from achieving my goals and dreams is myself. Myself. I can accomplish anything I want to. Absolutely anything. When my mind tells me I’m tired, I will keep going because the only thing holding me back is me.

If I would have known this sooner I probably wouldn’t need to work so hard, but I refuse to let my mind focus on ‘what ifs’ because it is WASTED TIME. And at this point I have no time for wasted time.

I refuse to let myself get down because certain people have left my life. I realize now if they were so willing to leave so quickly, they don’t give a damn about what I am about to become. I almost let them determine who I was going to be and if I was going to make it or not.

In these last nine short days I learned that the day I stopped listening to what everybody else said was the day I started getting stuff for myself done.

I believe I am finally awake.

Change me.

Form me into the person I so desperately long to be.

Take my walls and knock them down,

but leave the pieces behind,

so I’ll be able to see the self-development.

Keep me.

Hold me so close that I mistake you for myself.

Pour your positivity into me for I know no such thing.

Strike the voices in my head with love,

so I can finally sleep just one night without sobbing.

Love me.

Bundle me up in what it is I lack.

Tuck me into the nooks and crannies of my favorite storybook.

but don’t let me get lost in the fairy tale islands.

Always bring me back to reality even if it kills me.

Stay with me.

Clothe me in your passion.

Sit me down when I’ve been pacing back and forth.

but teach me how to do so myself,

so that if there is a day you can’t take me anymore,

I’ll be able to replace you with the unrecognizable reflection on the wall.

I want someone to tell me how to be happy.

I want someone to take me to the end of the rainbow,

where they have found their very own happiness.

Take the corners of my fallen mouth and turn them upright.

Sew them up with purple thread because that’s my favorite color.

Take my tears and store them somewhere sacred.

Where someday I can go back and spread them,

on the dead ashes of the sadness inside me.

Reattach my hair back together with my scalp.

Do so carefully because they are delicate too.

Pinch my cheeks to give them a rosy color,

even if the only way is through pain.

Lift my drooping shoulders and arch my slumping spine.

So that I can stand tall in hopes of seeing the light,

at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve been traveling through.

Take a magic marker and erase the darkness under my eyes,

Because the pigmentation is taking away from the beautiful blue eyes,

I used to get complimented on some time ago

Put my puzzling mind back in place,

One by one so I’ll know if I’m missing a piece or not.

Piece me back to whole because I can’t remember what that was like anymore.