a wish i can never have

if only i had been there when you were born

i bet your eyes were beautiful

and your nose rounded, tiny as a button

i’m sure the nurses and doctors

swooned as they set you in your mother’s arms

little did they know…

if only i had been there when you were brought home

when your brother held you

when the mystery man that was your father

probably wasn’t even there

if only i had been there when your sister

was brought into this world with pneumonia in her lungs

and her tiny chest clenched under clouds of cigarette smoke

if only i had been there when you were nine years old

walking around the streets  alone

with nothing to protect yourself but your baby teeth

already visiting milestones you shouldn’t have had to-

that you shouldn’t have even known about

if only i had been there when you lived in that hotel

when your mother came home

still decked out in her revealing work clothes

and passed out on the floor

then proceeded to cover herself in

feces, urine, and bile 

and as your sister poked at her

your brother told her to stop because

she was probably going to die

all the while you ate chips in front of a TV

if only i had been there when you poured alcohol

down your throat for the first time

such a young age to be destroying your liver

such a young age to search for escape

if only i had been there the first time you

questioned your existence

which was probably much earlier than i’d like to think

if only i had been there when your tummy

began to cave in on itself

because there wasn’t enough food

and if their was the roaches would claim it first

when your skin was frail because there wasn’t enough love

if only i had been there when you smoked your first cigarette

just to cough and continue

because a habit made you feel more real

if only i had been there when your mother came home

piss drunk and higher than mount denali

when you drug her inside and she hit you

and hit you and hit you

until you pushed back and she fell

screaming

you’re not my son, you’re not my son

if only i had been there when you

swore to yourself

you’d never fall in love

but did it anyway

all for girls who would break you down

and use you

and lie, and lie, and lie

to break your trust

just like all the rest

if only i had been there when you gave up

on anything and everyone

just to yell  

to clouds

secretly hoping God may hear you

if only i had been there when you told girls

they were beautiful

to fill in their insecurities

not because you meant it

but because it was easy

and they would open up every time

so that you could find release

since that is what you were taught to do

by your own mother

to use and use and use

until there is nothing left

and you have to find another fix

if only i had been there.

if only i had been there.

now you are the plate your mother flung at the wall

behind her boyfriends head

where it broke and shattered

i am still sweeping up the pieces and

picking shards from the carpet

i will find all of them soon

and slowly glue them back together

there will still be the jagged lines form the forceful blow

but there won’t be a single missing piece

you will be whole

no matter how scarred

if only i had been there

i would have rather been there

not because my life was worse

god no

it was sunshine and daisies

and lilypads and water hoses

open fields and love

slip ‘n slides and winter coats

weekends with my grandparents and trips to disney world

where i complained about the blisters on my feet

while you begged for a light in the dark

my father built me a swing of rubber and rope

and i would fly as high as the house

to jump into a kiddie pool my mom had bought

i remember the feeling of the sun on my skin

and the wind in my face

and i can’t help but wonder what was happening to you

in those moments

i would give up every memory

to have been there

if only i had been there

if only i had been beside you

if only i had held you

if only i had carried you away from hell

if only i had been yours.

if only i had saved you the heartache

if only if only if only if only

“what would you have done?”

now you are looking at me

strange smile

almost angry

disbelieving

i touch the palm of your hand to my lips

“well…” i lay my cheek in your hand

“i would have loved you… and i think that’s all you ever wanted.”