Month: January 2019

1. ladybugs are lucky

both of my grandparents preached this, even my grumpy ole’ grandfather. Anytime i’d bring back a ladybug, they’d preach about how it was gonna be my lucky day. i can’t tell if they actually believed it or just said it for us to believe in something. when my grandfather passed in 2016, my grandmother’s house became infested with ladybugs. she swore up and down is was barry talking to her from beyond the grave.

2. watermelon is a dessert

when i was younger a detested eating anything remotely healthy. i was on a strict diet of little debbie cakes and mac n cheese. i never ever strayed. that’s why i never understood why my grandparents got so excited to finish dinner so they could dig into the big plate of watermelon sitting in the middle of the table. to them it was dessert. well, first dessert. that didn’t stop us from digging into ice cream sundaes and drumsticks (the lil ice cream cone with the chocolate at the bottom, not actual chicken) after dinner was over.

3. cereal can talk

this one may stick out, and i’ve kind of had to realize that this might be an only my family thing. lemme explain. rice krispy cereal pops when you pour milk over it. so, when i was younger, and would wake up for breakfast, i’d have a generous bowl of that. my grandma would always tell me it was whispering to me. i’ve never really understand what it was saying though.

4. antiques are something to be treasured

so at my grandparents house we have the living room and then the den. when i was little it always made me so mad, because i’d say it’s in the living room, but the actual “living space.” was the den. the living room was only for antiques to be displayed, nice dinners (i.e. thanksgiving, christmas, etc.), and for the christmas tree to be kept. both of my grandparents enjoyed hunting for antiques, placing them in the perfect spot, and then keeping them spic and span. it broke my heart when my grandmother took some of them down since my grandfather died. she said it was too much work. yes it is, but it wasn’t too much work before. i guess heartbreak makes everything harder.

5. surprises don’t have to be big

i vividly remember getting four shots in the same day when i was four years old. i was wearing my “fancy” dress, and my grandmother had taken me to the appointment. she said to me “now emme if you don’t cry, you get four surprises.” i you know i sure as heck didn’t cry. so we first went to McDonald’s, and i gobbled down a happy meal, content that that was my first surprise. the next three, were that i could pick out any three things at the dollar store. it seriously was the best day ever, and they weren’t the huge extravagant things. i was so happy, and it shows that you don’t have to go above and beyond for people to be appreciated.

overall, i love my grandparents, and they’ve taught me a plethora life lessons i’ve kept with me.

underestimate it.

block it out.

ignore the painful screams of those before you.

they don’t matter,

they never mattered.

right?

or are you lying to yourself again

just so you can get your way

just so you can rush yourself into another happening

just so the chaos can trick you into being entertained

happy.

and maybe it will

is it worth it?

maybe you should carve scars into your cheeks

that way the boys won’t tempt you anymore.

being beautiful is a curse

so don’t wish for it

it isn’t worth the glares

the mutters as you walk passed

they wouldn’t even like her if she didn’t-

stop listening

tune that part out

maybe it’s true or maybe it isn’t

doesn’t matter

they made you feel loved at the time

maybe one day you’ll stop fooling yourself

maybe one day you’ll stop overthinking.

for now

just be

∇Δ∇Δ

Lately, I’ve been finding myself singing a whole lot more than usual. So much that I’ve seemed to have conjured up an old hobby, re-song-writing. About a year or two ago, I would find a song I really liked and re-write it. It was pretty good then, so let’s see if the skill is still there.

 

Losin’ Control Re-Write

[Hook]

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright

[Verse 1]

He’s fallen and he doesn’t know where love be

‘Cause his last relationship flew right past me

Accusations and we act like we don’t know why

Yeah we’re waiting on him, he’ll tell us on his own time

Should’ve ended it before it started

All he ever got was broken hearted

He got cheated on, tried to flip it back on me like a victim

Now we’re all alone and starting over

Now he’s got baggage on his shoulder

But the new guy really loves me

He loves me, but he doesn’t know himself anymore

[Hook]

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright, boy

[Verse 2]

Despite his past, he can’t help the attraction

He tells me that I’m nothing like the last one

He relives in every way what love was

He fell for me and still hasn’t found love

Every now and then, he goes off, though

Beating on his chest like a bongo

I understand he’s coming from a hurt place

He never answers all the questions on the survey

Doesn’t get jealous, doesn’t break trust

Doesn’t call me, after hang-ups

He gives me everything I ever wanted

And even though he still feels haunted

[Hook]

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright

He’s falling in love now, losing control now

Fighting his truth, trying to hide

But I think it’s alright

Yeah, I think it’s alright

 

I know I may be a little rusty, but you get the point. I’d consider myself a little poetic, don’t you think?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yoyoyo, so, I really like musicals. That’s really all I ever listen to. The idea of being able to tell a story through a series of songs is very cash money to me, y’know? Like, If you sit next to me and see my entire body making demonic movements, I’m probably just listening to a musical.

so, without further ado, here’s my favorite musicals, and favorite songs from those musicals

Hamilton

Hamilton is super cool because its REAL. Its based on history, so therefore its like- fan fiction.

• The Election of 1800
• Washington on Your Side
• What Did I Miss?
• Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?
• Satisfied

• Phantom of the Opera

This ones kind of obligatory, because it was the first musical i had ever seen. The characters are pretty cool, but I do NOT like Raoul. He is the main source of all of my anger issues. Every other character is cool.

• Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh
• Down Once More
• Masquerade

• Newsies

I watched this at 3am, and i have only vague memories of it.  I believe its about a newspaper strike. They win and its cool, everyones happy, happy ending, happy life.

• Carrying The Banner
• The World Will Know
• Seize The Day
• Brooklyn’s Here
• Once and For All

• Hairspray

I believe it should be a legal requirement to watch this at least once in your life. It addresses so many issues that we still face in society. Its so relevant, and it fights for justice.

• Good Morning Baltimore
• I Can Hear The Bells
• The New Girl In Town
• Without Love
• You Can’t Stop The Beat

• Grease

Literally just high school.

 

• Summer Nights
• Beauty School Dropout
• Greased Lightnin’
• We Go Together
• There Are Worse Things I Could Do

• Mamma Mia!

I also watched this one at 3AM and its something about an island wedding, except the girl is having issues figuring out who her family members are. Pretty good dance scenes, pretty good music.

• I Have A Dream
• Thank You For The Music
• Slipping Through My Fingers
• Voulez-Vous
• Super Trouper

Jesus Christ Superstar

I really only remember bits and pieces from my Sunday school classes when I was young, but this musical really has some snazzy tunes. Like Forreal, give this a listen.

• The Temple
• Trial Before Pilate
• Could We Start Again, Please?
• What’s the Buzz
• Blood Money

Change me.

Form me into the person I so desperately long to be.

Take my walls and knock them down,

but leave the pieces behind,

so I’ll be able to see the self-development.

 

Keep me.

Hold me so close that I mistake you for myself.

Pour your positivity into me for I know no such thing.

Strike the voices in my head with love,

so I can finally sleep just one night without sobbing.

 

Love me.

Bundle me up in what it is I lack.

Tuck me into the nooks and crannies of my favorite storybook.

but don’t let me get lost in the fairy tale islands.

Always bring me back to reality even if it kills me.

 

Stay with me.

Clothe me in your passion.

Sit me down when I’ve been pacing back and forth.

but teach me how to do so myself,

so that if there is a day you can’t take me anymore,

I’ll be able to replace you with the unrecognizable reflection on the wall.

 

Sometimes, I look back and remember what it was like to be a child. First crushes, first time holding hands because I thought I was old enough to be in a relationship, first best friend, first favorite and least favorite teacher. This was the time to figure what subjects I enjoyed the most, and I started showing my parents how to write my name because I wasn’t old enough to understand that they already knew how to spell my name. It took me until fourth grade to learn my middle name. I was smart, but I could never figure out the small  things. That hasn’t changed.

I really miss those days. They were so simple. Homework took fifteen minutes, the worst a guy could do to you was wipe his snot on your favorite jacket. College was just a word, not yet your future, and all you wanted to do was grow up. I’ve been in a nostalgic rut. I’m always thinking about what could have been if my childhood would have played out differently. If I chose different friends. If I didn’t take things so seriously. If I didn’t carry my heart on my sleeve. I wonder who I would be if I didn’t throw that third place pageant trophy out the window, or If I got back on that horse after it threw me off. It makes me sad, not knowing. What if my firsts weren’t my firsts. What if I had loved different people. What if that strawberry blonde friend of mine didn’t leave.

The important thing is though, and I am coming to realize this, I can take these “what ifs” and use them as inspiration, but I cannot mourn something that never happened. it is important to appreciate, amongst the questions, the facts. The childhood that I had was beautiful, and it made me who I am. I am beautiful, strong, intelligent, and talented. Yeah, I could possibly be a cowgirl or a pageant queen. There are an infinite amount of maybes out there, but I deeply love who I am, and I’m pretty proud that all my choices made me a writer.

 

Ever heard of the game “Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy”? Well, let me tell you, it’s a doozy. It’s one of the hardest games that many people have ever played. Many YouTubers made videos of them playing the game, and many of them soon began to scream in rage at the unfair controls and construction.

In Getting Over It, you start at a rocky plain. A cauldron sits on the screen. The cauldron trembles and shakes. From the cauldron rises a bald man holding a long-handled axe.

Ah, Diogenes. So many people ended up hating this man, not because he’s a bad character, but the game is very hard to control. All of the control you have is your mouse, controlling the tip of an axe. You can use the axe to swing yourself up and over objects that are in your path. That’s it.

Soon, Bennett Foddy himself begins to speak.

He tells us that learning to get over difficult situations is hard to do. Whether it’s ruining a nice shirt, leaving your wallet at home, or having a disagreement with a friend, it’s hard to get over a difficult situation. He tells us that if we’ve already been having a bad day, we shouldn’t play this game, because it will be frustrating.

And from personal experience, let me tell you, this game will enrage you. It will make you scream and want to throw your computer across the room in anger. I will admit, I ended up slamming my laptop shut in frustration more than once while playing this game. I cursed at Foddy’s voice saying meaningless inspirational quotes after I had fallen once again, losing thirty minutes of progress in the span of two seconds.

I’ve never gotten past the first incline.

Normally, when I play video games, I have patience. I usually enjoy a good challenge, which is why I love playing games such as Undertale and Cuphead, games that require problem solving, quick reflexes, and skill. However, this game felt different. Foddy was a constant presence in the game, and would often make light commentary as you continue your ascent higher and higher up the mountain made of the most ridiculous things (construction cranes, a table with oranges on it, and furniture). He makes commentary on how he beleives our society is slowly degrading in what we deem as “art” and “culture.” He calls it a “B culture,” one in which you can take trash and pile it together, and it becomes the next sensation that is popular for five seconds before we move on to the next thing. His commentary is thought-provoking, and you cannot help but pause and take a moment to listen to what he’s saying.

Foddy makes a point in saying that those who succeeded in climbing up the mountain that he has made are different than the rest. He claims that the players, in looking for a challenge, have a stronger sense of resolution and concentration. As you continue your ascent, he begins to become more vulnerable, talking about how he feels drowned in our culture, and wishes that it were different. He wants to make a difference in the world, but he doesn’t know how to go about doing so. He feels trapped under all the rubble that he’s created. He wants to not only share what he’s made, but also share an experience. He wants someone to listen to him. He wants what society as a whole cannot give him: the time out of a busy day to listen to his ramblings and make him feel worthy.

What are we getting over? The feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of inadequacy that gets stronger when we look outside of ourselves. The feeling of being trapped in a substandard culture. Getting over the hope that society will change, because it won’t, at least not on it’s own. We need to get over our own identity and look out into the world we live in.

We need to get over our own sense of self to find meaning in the world around us.

There are times when my chest convulses. My lungs tighten and twist around each other; my rib cage ties together into a tight knot. I let it happen. I don’t breathe for hours, days. I never let it stretch to a week. My mouth begs too desperately for breath. Tears cut deep lines into my face, my throat wails. No one ever hears it. I make sure to muffle my madness.

There are times when my friend stays with me. She distracts me from the constant want of oxygen. It grows dark and still when i finally roll over and ask, “Will I ever get over it?” my voice is so small she shouldn’t even hear it, but she always answers. “No. You don’t get over first loves. There isn’t a moved on, just stepping away.” I breathe a light yes and she takes it as a cue to sleep. In the darkness, she can’t see my tears. In the darkness, she can’t feel my pain.

There are times when I pretend I don’t love you. I pretend that hearing your name doesn’t feel like I’ve poured acid in my ears. I listen to stories about you and laugh, but I’m not laughing at what you’ve done. I’m laughing at how pathetic I feel.

There are times when I write about you. A pretty boy with pretty curls. You are just such a character. These words used to be happy, but now they are tainted with emptiness. My biggest wish is to not have the need to put you on paper.

There are times that I think I will never love again. I don’t know how to give my heart to someone else when it looks as ugly as it is: covered in thick duck tape, poked and prodded, bleeding through my soaking fingers. But the boys still smile and take another bite. I won’t let them take as much as you did, though.

There are times I feel like I’ve gone mad. When I’m heaving over a simple reminder, when I scream every time a phone rings, when I blast my radio too loud when driving past your house, when I cry next to my friend in the dead of night, when I call you drunkenly and tell you how my body craves you.

There are times when I think of all our first. Our first kiss under a dim yellow light on the front steps of our favorite place. Our first laugh walking to our first date. Our first time saying I love you in a ragged parking lot.

There are times when I think of all our lasts. Our last kiss in the back room after practice. Our last car ride together. Our last date when you smashed an iced cupcake in my face. Our last embrace on a curb before I left and swore never again. Our last I love you whispered in secret.

There are times I think of you when I shouldn’t. Kissing someone else. Walking with someone else. Dancing with some else. Painting a whole new life with someone else. I can’t help but see you; to just close my eyes and picture you instead for just a moment, then let it go.

There are times I want the thoughts to stop. These are the ones I have most often. I feel as if it would have been easier to let a bullet fly through my chest than to hear you say you can’t do it. I’ll never understand what is wrong with you.How did your heart become so corroded? How do you love me and not want me all at once? You are the essence of misery, yet I love to be in it’s company. You made me into you, so now here I am. Breaking the hearts of the innocent, just to distract myself from all the pain.

There are times when my chest convulses, but I always know that I will breathe.

Today I decided to do something regrettable. I  google translated my favorite song from the school idol anime Love Live. While I haven’t watched the anime, I have played the mobile game, and listened to many of their songs. Over time, I have found that Printemps “Puwa-Puwa-o” is my go-to song. Something about it is so inspiring. It has a very energetic tone, and a nice beat. Very positive all around.

However- I have absolutely no clue what its about. I mean, it could be talking about the 500 ways to walk out of a door wearing gucci flip flops. Unlikely- but possible.

SO! today i want to find the true meaning of the song! and from none other than our 100% accurate, totally reliable, Google Translate.

 

Here are some of my favorite lines… the ones of which I will attempt to derive some meaning from.

“Scissors Ski Genuine Shake it!

I want to see wings sooner

Please catch me when you find me (Puwakuwakuwakuwa)

Only one LOVE YES!

do not wake me up!

There is nobody BABY”

Some may say this holds no meaning. I beg to differ. This can hold so much meaning and value. For example- “Scissors Ski Genuine Shake it!” can represent someone facing their fears. scissors. Cut through your fears, face them head on with your head held high. Maybe in this case, you are afraid of skiing. Climb your own personal mountains as you climb up the hill you will ski down, and let go. Be genuine, and shake the world. one small hill for you, one giant leap for humanity. Brave, strong, powerful. Scissors ski genuine shake it.

 

“I want to see wings sooner” can be taken in 2 ways. Perhaps the singer wishes to find a holy meaning in their life, and meet an angel. However this could also represent a better day. When the sun shines, and the birds chirp, many are able to bring that joy into their day, and further their quality of life.

Further down, I would like to highlight the phrase “Do not wake me up.” Which can suggest that the singer wishes to get a full nights sleep. Getting the recommended hours of sleep per night can have many health benefits, and can help one function at a higher rate than what they may usually do.

 

Therefore, the song “Puwa Puwa-o” is about staying healthy and becoming the best version of yourself. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.