Reminder of Exhaustion

There are times when my chest convulses. My lungs tighten and twist around each other; my rib cage ties together into a tight knot. I let it happen. I don’t breathe for hours, days. I never let it stretch to a week. My mouth begs too desperately for breath. Tears cut deep lines into my face, my throat wails. No one ever hears it. I make sure to muffle my madness.

There are times when my friend stays with me. She distracts me from the constant want of oxygen. It grows dark and still when i finally roll over and ask, “Will I ever get over it?” my voice is so small she shouldn’t even hear it, but she always answers. “No. You don’t get over first loves. There isn’t a moved on, just stepping away.” I breathe a light yes and she takes it as a cue to sleep. In the darkness, she can’t see my tears. In the darkness, she can’t feel my pain.

There are times when I pretend I don’t love you. I pretend that hearing your name doesn’t feel like I’ve poured acid in my ears. I listen to stories about you and laugh, but I’m not laughing at what you’ve done. I’m laughing at how pathetic I feel.

There are times when I write about you. A pretty boy with pretty curls. You are just such a character. These words used to be happy, but now they are tainted with emptiness. My biggest wish is to not have the need to put you on paper.

There are times that I think I will never love again. I don’t know how to give my heart to someone else when it looks as ugly as it is: covered in thick duck tape, poked and prodded, bleeding through my soaking fingers. But the boys still smile and take another bite. I won’t let them take as much as you did, though.

There are times I feel like I’ve gone mad. When I’m heaving over a simple reminder, when I scream every time a phone rings, when I blast my radio too loud when driving past your house, when I cry next to my friend in the dead of night, when I call you drunkenly and tell you how my body craves you.

There are times when I think of all our first. Our first kiss under a dim yellow light on the front steps of our favorite place. Our first laugh walking to our first date. Our first time saying I love you in a ragged parking lot.

There are times when I think of all our lasts. Our last kiss in the back room after practice. Our last car ride together. Our last date when you smashed an iced cupcake in my face. Our last embrace on a curb before I left and swore never again. Our last I love you whispered in secret.

There are times I think of you when I shouldn’t. Kissing someone else. Walking with someone else. Dancing with some else. Painting a whole new life with someone else. I can’t help but see you; to just close my eyes and picture you instead for just a moment, then let it go.

There are times I want the thoughts to stop. These are the ones I have most often. I feel as if it would have been easier to let a bullet fly through my chest than to hear you say you can’t do it. I’ll never understand what is wrong with you.How did your heart become so corroded? How do you love me and not want me all at once? You are the essence of misery, yet I love to be in it’s company. You made me into you, so now here I am. Breaking the hearts of the innocent, just to distract myself from all the pain.

There are times when my chest convulses, but I always know that I will breathe.

Author: Chloe Russell

Life is strange and people are complicated, and that is why I love to write.

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