I want to preface this by saying that I’m not trying to overstate my anxiety and how badly it affects me. I mean, I’d freak out every single day at the drop of a hat before I was medicated, and even now if I go around 3 days without medication, I become a sniveling mess who constantly thinks someone is gonna pop up and slit her wrists or that I have a chronic illness I wasn’t aware of that’s gonna cause me to drop dead in 5 business days. I’m still nowhere close to the poster child for severe anxiety and paranoia. However, I do know enough about myself to talk about how it has impacted my development and everyday life.
I believe my earliest anxiety attack/derealization episode, that I can remember, happened when I was 8. So, yeah. I’ve had this for over half of my life. It’s all hereditary so there was never something I could do about it, and that affected the way I went about making friends and keeping them when I was little. I’d find someone I thought would “protect” me from my irrational fears and then I’d hang onto them as hard as I could. As you can imagine, this got me into some bad friendships.
I remember my anxiety hitting its peak in 8th grade, where, if I was sat near someone who tended to make noise, I would break down sobbing from them just tapping the desk or talking to themselves. This continued throughout that entire year, and it really impacted my relationships with my peers. They thought something was wrong with me.
And I’ll be so honest, I get why.
I’d lash out and cry at certain stimuli. (I know this sounds like other mental disorders, but I swear anxiety is the real cause for all of this). I’d even sit in class with my wrists constantly tucked into me so that no one could run up and slit my wrists.
Then, I started high school.
This was a new environment.
I cried often from the sheer amount of people, and chose to sit alone whenever possible so I wouldn’t get on someone’s nerves.
I isolated myself on purpose, and that continued till the second semester of my freshman year, where I would finally become medicated.
And I have to say… meds were DEFINITELY the answer in my case.
I can finally have normal relationships.
I can finally have a fairly normal day to day life.
And while it is true that meds didn’t help all of my symptoms and are nowhere close to an end all be all, (I still can’t leave the house without the thought that someone will run up and shoot me out of nowhere) they have significantly improved my quality of life.
Obviously, meds are not the answer for the majority of people, and, as I said before, I am in no way representative of all people with anxiety and paranoia. This is just my personal story of my struggles. I’m not proud of it, but if it’ll help at least one person realize that these are real symptoms that real people feel, then it’d be all worth it.
i never realized how intense that can be, thank you for sharing <333
wuold yoo like stiba foo u twuble. it make oo feel bebber
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this for majority of your life</3. I completely understand where you're coming from because I have had similar experiences from my own chronic anxiety since I was young as well, and I'm so happy that you've found a solution that helps you live better!!
gah I get this so much. Not exactly with anxiety, but meds were the only thing that could help life long depression that was kinda ruining my life and all the relationships I had with people, I’m glad that I can relate to someone in that sense!!