voluntary insomnia

When you’ve spent all night searching

And searching

Trying

In every crevice

Trying to find inspiration

Not insane

You say

Why would you be

Such a heavy head

Such heavy thoughts

Yet

You refuse to put them down

Refuse to throw them away

What an attachment

Useless attachment

Then you feel bad 

for considering it useless

You apologize

I’m sorry

Figure it out

Just please

Leave me be

I do not want this to feel like the only time i can write so freely

I do not want to have to feel like i have to reach this point to let the words flow

They are pouring

Pouring

Pouring

Through me

Did i really have to go through this so long to open myself

Just to want to close myself again

Silly girl

You do not even know what you want

You cannot be referring to want

As something you have experience with

You have such a distorted imagination

Let it rest.

Let the mind silence itself

Let the hands forget and float

Let the sentences crawl back beneath the floorboards

Where they can gnaw at the wood

Without asking to be heard

But what if the silence

Becomes another kind of hunger

You should speak up more

Stand atop a mountain of ugly beliefs

Only because you consider them ugly

State your point.

You should look around more

Describe the world from another’s perspective

Only because you are not them

But you could be.

You should peer inside yourself more

Dig out the gunk from the crevices of your brain

Only because it’s getting really musty 

Up in here.

You should dream about cutting the ocean up

Swallowing its slices whole

Only because your thirst

Cannot be otherwise quenched.

You should dance on your own corpse

It wouldn’t want you lying

Immobile, bored, unamused

Humor your released costume.

Let the body become something

You no longer feel obligated to carry

Like an apology.

Leap across earth

The chasms do not fear you

Why should you

Fear them

?

Why polish

Something that 

Tears itself up on purpose

Footsteps 

Smear

Green

Yellow

Red

Across the cracked granite

Pavement

Fade in

And out

Entice me

Further

Anything to keep me

Away from my own

Away from the room

Away from the small, persistent animal

Scratching beneath my ribs

Pleading to be named.

Morning is approaching

I can feel it

Pulling the dark apart

One fine silken thread at a time.

And still

I search

As though somewhere

In this wreckage

There is a better version of me

That can be found.