Dr. Sudduth

For years now, I’ve been dreaming of the title “Dr.” being by my name, never “Mrs.” Of course, getting married and maybe even having kids one day is something I would consider an achievement, but not a priority. This priority that I have is making sure I’m fulfilled in this lifetime, while also helping others. The way I want to help people is through mental health support. I know how important it is to be incorporated into society—especially since I was one of the many people who suffer from the lack of it.

Now that I’m a junior in high school, I’m really starting to understand that I don’t have a lot of time left. I’ve been trying to focus more on my schoolwork and refining the things that I’m good at, but I can’t help but feel this anxiety within. I’d say that I’m nervous to start living—I mean, I am living, but what I mean is taking full control of my life. Like, the fact that whatever I do from now on is going to affect me in the long run.

Everyone tells me I’m so responsible, so resilient, so confident. Everyone is so sure that I’ll be successful and make a minimum of six figures. They don’t realize I’m fragile like them, so they expect the best from me. With my timidness, my stutter, the way I cry at minor inconveniences. (I’m working on that.) What if I let them down?

It may not even be me letting them down. What if the world comes crashing down, and I can’t become Dr. Sudduth? Psychology is a male-dominated profession after all, and I’m just a black girl from a small town in Mississippi. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth trying to aim that far in life. It’s rigorous, competitive, and grueling, so what if I fall out of love with it at the last second? Right before I become Dr. Sudduth, I suddenly don’t want to be her anymore.

The idea of falling out of love with my passion or letting everyone down is truly haunting, but I’m not going to let it hinder me. Simply because of my own story. How I grew up, the people around me, and the community I live in (and for some reason still have love for) fuel my love for psychology. I know that getting help and recovering from trauma, yet still being a good person, exists because I am living proof of that. I have every right to be inconsiderate, ill-mannered, and downright violent, but I don’t choose to feed into that negativity.

Instead, I chose to work on myself and be kind to those around me. I know everybody goes through hell, so why not be a place for hurting people to heal? The thought of a child like me struggling to survive hurts me in a way I cannot explain. Maybe I have a soft spot for kids—maybe I am soft. Either way, I know helping people is something I’ve been called to do. 

So, whenever I do get to become Dr. Sudduth, I will make sure that I stay dedicated to my work. Doing research for black and brown women’s mental health (since no one else wants to). Maybe I’ll open my own practice. Or work for the National Institutes of Health (NIH). Maybe I’ll even get married and have kids of my own one day.

Probably…

Author: Maryana

Literary Junior at MSA View all posts by Maryana