Guys,
I know I promised a post about chapbook, but when life hands you lemons… sometimes you fall apart.
I am a person who thrives on order and control. However, my life has been anything but the last few weeks. I haven’t been completing any of the tasks I’ve written in my planner, and I’ve seriously considered not planning anymore. The world has been turned upside down, so it’s hard to plan ahead in a time where nothing is certain.
Today, I moved out of my dorm, and it was bittersweet, but it was also eye opening. I HAD SO MUCH STUFF, like if you know, you know. It’s honestly crazy to me how much stuff I had. I am definitely going to be doing some SERIOUS purging. I have also learned that just because you like something does not mean you need 50 of them 🤦🏽♀️. This time is a time of reflection and learning for me.
I also think it’s God forcing me to let go and let him guide me, instead of me trying to do it all on my own. Growing up, my parents were always working and my siblings were all way older than me, so I was alone a lot, and I did, in some ways, have to take care of myself. It made me independent, and I think that’s my problem— I’m too independent, for my age at least. Sometimes I forget that I’m only 16, and that I don’t have to have it together 24/7. Sometimes I can just be a kid! My mom reminds me of that one all the time 😅. But it’s not my will, it’s God’s. I can’t control everything, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to.
The past 2 weeks have been especially trying for me. I forgot what it was and turned my blog in way late, and the two after that, I typed on the day they were supposed to post. Then, I missed my first assignment deadline. It’s been a sort of downward spiral for me, and I feel like a failure. I know that a couple late assignments aren’t such a big deal to some, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I’m not necessarily competitive, but I am very insecure about a lot of aspects in my life, so I overcompensate by trying to be “the best” and being on top of things all the time. However, I am learning about a thing called forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t just for other people; it’s for myself too! And I forgive myself!! I’m not perfect, and it gets exhausting trying to be all the time. One of my goals for 2020, was to “Let go and let God”, so that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not easy, but I am slowing giving up that control and those burdens I put on myself, so that I can be made new.
I know that this blog is titled, “Who Am I?”, but the truth is” I don’t know anymore, and maybe I never really did. However, I am learning and growing, so I may not know who I am right now, but I hope by the end of all this, I will.
Thanks for reading!
Okay, Maleigh, I adore you. You are amazing, and I hope you know that. I, too, have been asking myself who I am recently, and it has proved quite difficult to answer. Who are we when everything we know is altered? But when everything is uncertain, all that is important will become clear. You are growing through this, and I definitely believe in you. I wish you the best, truthfully, and I hope that life will regain balance. And it will; I promise that it will even if life tips sideways once again. You are not a failure; you are an inspiration (the coolest). I can not wait to have class with you again. You bring such an amazing energy to the literary table everyday. Anyway, I loved hearing your honest thoughts and emotions, and I will be thinking of you throughout the break. For now we can only breathe and take one step at a time, being patient with ourselves and the world. Thank you for everything. ((:
I ask my self this question often. To hear your feelings and see how familiar I am with your feelings makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing this with us, Maleigh.
I completely relate to this post. At times I feel like we put too much pressure on ourselves to be great or to be perfect. When we have to realize that we are only 16, and have so much to experience. So it’s okay that you don’t know who you are anymore. That is completely normal. We have to let go of this idea of control. We can’t control life, it has its own plan. All we can do it go where God takes us.
Aw Maleigh. I understand how you feel. I’ve felt so unstable lately, and have surprised myself by how far behind I had let myself get. I definitely need to forgive myself too. Best of luck to both of us on this journey.