Category: Senior Literary

Earlier this year, I came across a video that talked about a writer who liked to examine and write about people on their death beds. She had been writing on the topic of death for years, speaking from professional experience with hospitalized patients who were not expected to live very long. The book was called, “On Dying and Death” and it’s by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In addition to being a writer, Ross was also a significant figure in the health industry and began her career as a psychiatrist. She was even able to develop a general chart or a stage-by-stage explanation of the emotions that people go through before they accept that their loved ones are dying. She called them the five stages of grief, and they are ordered as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

 Although I never sat down to read this novel and experience it for the amazing book that it truly is, the author’s findings about the mental process behind accepting death stuck with me and I found myself extremely curious to know how she wrote this book, and what other factors played into her crafting these ideas.

I’m not completely sure if this piece of information is connected to Ross’s book, but I also saw that when people are close to death, they are thinking about two things, “Who have I helped, and what have I done in my life?” Hearing this really influenced the trajectory of the path I thought I was going down back then, and it made me consider the meaning of purpose and how I could use my own to contribute to the world.

Before I came to MSA, I didn’t really think I had a purpose and that’s just to say I didn’t believe there was anything that I was working on to better my future or someone else’s future. But looking back on my junior year, I realize that is absolutely not true because some of the happiest moments of my senior year stemmed from the efforts of my junior year. Now, I think it’s so important to celebrate our entire journey, because that’s how we build the courage to keep going, and to continue building whatever craft. So, if anything, my years here have taught me to welcome the hard times and be very open to experience and allow myself to be shaped by my struggles.

            Yeah, so, this quote is very special to me because I was able to carve out my own definition of purpose and be moved by it. I definitely don’t have everything figured out, but one of my main goals in life is to be conscience about the world and the people who are in it, not that it’ll make accepting death any easier, but because it’s important to me.

            One of my plans this summer is to actually read this book and probably be really immersed in it for a while. I’m interested in works that explore some facets of human existence and contemplate what they mean. Also, I wanted to write about something sad for my last blog, so I thought this book being my latest fascination matched that well, I guess.

            Anyways, if you’re interested in this book too, let me know, maybe we can go half and half on it at our local bookstore, and swap it every couple of years?

I feel like I’ve talked too much about graduating high school, too much about my childhood or how scary I think growing up is. I would have loved, more than anything, to write about what graduation means to me, how saying goodbye to this chapter of my life seems like the scariest change I’ll ever encounter. It feels like such a beautiful moment that is also so incredibly common. 

I used to hold a grudge against people that weren’t afraid of graduating high school. I used to think they weren’t consciously going about life, that they would regret not appreciating their high school graduation enough in the future.

But now, I’m starting to become exactly what I could never imagine myself to be. I’m not as scared as I used to be. And it’s funny that I can look back at how different I was before I came to MSA. My hair was wavy, almost straight. I played the oboe and the keyboard (both terribly) in my high school band, and my only sense of community was in that band. I drew every single day and could fill an entire sketchbook in just a few months. My favorite artist was Chappell Roan and I thought I had left hyperpop far behind me (not knowing a new phase was in my future). 

At the same time, not a lot has changed. I still love horror media, I still love Smiling Friends (if you told summer 2024 Stephanie that it would be over by now, she would flip. But she would also say she “knew it was coming” just like I did when Zach and Michael first announced its finale). If I met 16-year-old Stephanie, we really wouldn’t be that different. I like to think that she would say we’re completely different people but I don’t think that at all.

I think I’m more different from the Steph that was in her first few months at MSA than I am the girl before that. She had terrible imposter syndrome, comparing herself to her seniors and fellow juniors enough to think that she couldn’t possibly be a real writer. She didn’t even know what the word “prose” meant. She didn’t know anything about writing and that’s what I love about her, she just wrote what she wanted without putting a genre, or even a title, on it. She wrote short stories without calling them short stories, started novels without calling them novels. She wrote with no end goal, word count, or desire to show anyone. And if I really think about it, I’m so jealous of her.

Over the two years I’ve spent at MSA, my writing has obviously changed but my dreams haven’t. I still want to ultimately write horror novels, but now I can see myself writing a romance novel, memoir, short story collection, or poetry collection. It’s important to note that I wrote my first ever (successful) poem to audition for MSA. I had only written one (terrible) poem before that in the seventh grade. I remember it being really difficult, but in the end I loved it. I should’ve known that I would love poetry years later.

Over my time at MSA, I loved writing about my childhood and how attached I am to it. It’s certainly magical, but I think I’ve dwelled on it too long. How many times can you say “I’m terrified of growing up” before people get tired of hearing you? How many times can you say “I’m not ready to be an adult” before you’re eighteen and you have no choice? And how many times can you keep lying to yourself saying you’re not ready when you are, you just don’t realize it?

I’ve made excuses for myself time and time again: I don’t know how to do taxes, I’ve never had a job, I still don’t know how to drive! But I can learn, like I have with everything before. And if I don’t learn the first time, I have no choice but to try again.

I’ve realized that some people know me for writing about how scary this transitional period of life is for teenagers. Sure it’s great hearing them say I’m relatable or “real”, but I’m ready to move on. There is so much more I want to write.

My senior showcase has certainly broken a part of my brain. I’ve realized that there is no going back after “AMERICAN GIRL/AMERICAN BOY”. I lost a part of myself after focusing on my time in Indonesia for the first time in twelve years. Something about not knowing what happened those six years made me the girl I was. The Wasian girl that thought of herself as entirely White, because that’s how she was raised, the girl that dismissed her time in her home country because it hurt too much to think about. 

I don’t fully know who I am yet, and I don’t think I ever will. Maybe I’m getting closer to knowing, maybe this is the closest I will ever be. But I’d rather dwell in the uncomfortable honesty about my childhood than ignore it and make that ignorance part of myself. I want everyone to know about how difficult it was for me, because that’s how I became who I am today. Maybe being closer to my culture, my childhood, and the blocked memories brings me closer to my best self. 

On a lighter note, I really love sharing this website to anyone outside of MSA that’s interested in my writing. Not only do I get to promote my peers’ casual pieces that display their personality and how I know them, but also I feel like the people I share it with know a little bit more about me when they read my blogs. I also love going back in time and reading my old posts. It’s embarrassing as hell, but I only say that because it’s me. 

Outside of this website, I also love searching random internet topics and finding a 10-year-old blog post by a teenager who only had one thing: a website domain and passion. There’s something so charming about reading an internal monologue typed out for all of the internet to see.

When I’m in college, I want to be able to look back at this website and read my old, embarrassing blogs. Maybe they won’t be such a pain to read in a few years since hopefully I won’t remember writing about Chappell Roan for my first ever blog and started it with a clickbait title. 

I also want this final blog post to be like a time capsule. I’d love to compare my changes even further in the future when I look back. So:

My name is Stephanie, but I prefer Steph. I’m a senior at the Mississippi School of the Arts and I’m graduating in less than a month. I used to be afraid of becoming an adult, graduating high school, and moving on to college. I am really childish. I cram playing my favorite video game, the new Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream, in my thirty minutes of free time every day. My favorite artists (and band) right now are underscores, Jane Remover and Paramore. I’ve just realized my love for graphic design as I work more on my showcase. I’ve stopped drawing as much as I used to. And I love having pink hair. I can’t wait to read this in a couple of years and go “Wow, that’s funny. I don’t even listen to underscores anymore.”

I’m proud to say I’m not afraid of growing up anymore. I’m not “comfortable with the idea of graduating” like I said in January, I’m excited to graduate. I can’t wait to move on and change. I can’t wait to compare these moments in my life and I can’t wait to cringe at my blog posts years in the future. I can’t wait to become a different person, hopefully closer to the best version of myself.

I was originally going to write about the 2012 “The Lorax” movie. I was going to write about how O’Hare could potentially be Asian American representation, how The Onceler should’ve never been viewed as a forgivable character (at least not any more than O’Hare), and how motivations of Ted were only for a girl way too old for him and he didn’t even care about saving Thneedville for real. I was going to write about how much potential that movie had to be a genuinely good critique of capitalism and how powerful that movie could’ve been and how you can see it in the concept art and the demo songs (that are on the soundtrack!).

I was so excited until I realized it would’ve been my last blog post as a student at MSA. As funny as it would’ve been, I did not want that to be my legacy. So I went for a personal essay (if you squint) about how I have nothing to say about graduation. And I think it’s really funny that “nothing to say” equates to 1,300 words. I’m really happy to say goodbye. AMERICAN GIRL/AMERICAN BOY is on May 4th at 6 PM in the Black Box.

I didn’t know what I wanted my last blog to be. I have so many saved drafts that are never going to be anything because well, it’s over. I feel like two years have never gone by so quickly before. People always said that high school would fly by, but man they really meant it. Anyway, I had a blog draft named “Robert Pattinson Vs. Christan Bale’s Batman.” So, effortlessly, I will be showing how someone can be so similar yet so different, and while doing that, explain how these two years have changed me in so many ways. So, let’s start with Christan Bale’s, or I guess Christopher Nolan, who is the director. 

Christan Bale was the Dark Knight. He did an amazing job playing Batman and Bruce Wayne, and I guess I can say this is the adaptation of both Batman and Bruce Wayne people tend to enjoy the most. Unfortunately, I did not watch Batman Begins. I got the DVDs from my grandma and that one didn’t work but just know it’s when he becomes Batman. Now, I don’t know much about that movie, so anyways. The Dark Knight!!

We don’t see Batman until ten minutes has passed in this movie. IN this universe, there are people who dress up as Batman to help fight, but they use guns, which Batman is strictly against. The main antagonist of this movie is the Joker. Christian Bale’s Batman has this more defensive fighting style, while still being aggressive and scaring his opponent, but he makes very quick work of getting them down! Though he does tend to get overly aggressive when angry, as seen in this scene with the joker. 

He also has a very close father-son like relationship with Alfred, and in the third movie Bruce fakes his death to stop being Batman, and when Alfred finds this out, he is SO happy. Also, in the third movie we meet Catwoman, who ends up getting with Batman because love interest Racheal dies in the second movie… Glad he moves on, I guess.

Okay!! Bruce Wayne. This Bruce Wayne is the one everyone knows. He always has a woman on his arm, he’s an airhead, and like however else you can explain him. In the Dark Knight movie, Joker puts a bounty on a man’s head. If he does not die, he will blow up a hospital. So, people were trying to get him, and when someone was about to crash into the car the man was in, Bruce intervenes driving his car in between them, saying he was only trying to catch the light, which I thought was funny. Also, in the Dark Knight, Harvey Dent is there, and Harvey makes Bruce want to quit. He believes that Gotham needs a hero who doesn’t wear a mask. Harvey Dent becomes Two Face after half of his face burned in a fire, and he flips this coin to decide whether or not his victim lives or dies. Harvey ends up dying in the end of the movie after falling, and Batman tells Gordon to never tell anyone, in fear of the hope Harvey put into the city will disappear if they find out what he did, which was kill like three or four people.

I LOVE this movie. So, this Batman is newer, only doing this for about two or three years now. The movie takes place on Halloween, and it begins with a very emo Bruce Wayne monologuing about Gotham, and how just because he hasn’t been doing this long people are still afraid when they see the Bat signal. The antagonist of this movie is the Riddler, but the biggest thing about it is Batman going from a symbol of fear to a symbol of hope. The Riddler is ruthless, and continues to leave notes to Batman, who is working with Gordon despite the police wanting to arrest him, and I LOVE Gordon in the movie. The Dark Knight Gordon sucks, and is lowkey the real villain… Anyway, in this THREE-HOUR movie, Batman figures it all out, obviously, while going through so much, so why is this Batman different? I’m not completely sure what comic he’s based on, but I do know that this Bruce Wayne is a recluse. He does not leave the house unless he needs to. He’s awkward and everyone knows him because he is still the prince of Gotham, but in a way that’s like Thomas Wayne was so goated, and Bruce is just his son.

Battison is SO aggressive, like he really is an act first, ask questions later kind of guy, like genuinely pushing people downstairs type of guy. There was a scene where Gordon is like, “Okay punch me and run so you can get away” and Batman punches him so hard and runs, and later Gordon is like, “You did not have to do it that hard.” Batman pretty much just shrugs his shoulders bruh he’s so funny. Not even joking, they’re lowkey besties in this movie.

Seline Kyle is also in this movie. Another villain besides the Riddler is Carmine Falcone, who apparently killed the Wayne parents. Allegedly, said by Alfred who took a bomb to the face AND LIVED. Speaking of Alfred, their relationship is different. They clearly care for each other, but it’s less of a father-son and more of an Alfred is just a butler. Like Afred and Thomas Wayne were close, but he’s not really sure what to do with Bruce, but they do have a sweet moment when Alfred is hospitalized, after, I repeat, taking a bomb to the face.

This is getting long, let me wrap it up. Selina Kyle ends up being Carmine Falcone’s daughter. Batman helps her arrest him but before he can get arrested, the Riddler snipes him. They find the Riddler. The city floods because he blew up the dams because he has this odd following of people who are orphans and upset. Thomas Wayne promised a trust fund to orphaned children but after he did, all the other rich people took all of that money, which left the orphaned children angry. Batman saves a bunch of people and becomes a symbol of hope after realizing his messed-up city needs something to look towards.

Anyway. I think both of these Batman’s (Batmen??) are amazing, and I think superheroes can really make you reflect on yourself, which is something I’ve talked about before. Both of them made big sacrifices and changes to help Gotham. Christian Bale’s Batman risked his reputation, which was already lacking, just for the city to have hope. Battison gave up this persona who everyone should be afraid and changed into someone people want. I think it’s important to make sacrifices and lose people, and it’s important to grow and meet new people. Meeting Selina Kyle was like the best thing that could happen to happen to them and that’s beautiful. I do have to wrap this up, sorry, it’s so long. Remember that change is a wonderful thing and sometimes bad things happen, and even though it can’t always be resolved, sometimes you just have to climb out a really big hole.

I believe that I’ve learned a lot about myself over these past two years, and that I have lost but also gained so many people in my life. I’ve realized that I can be more than who I always have been, so I will. Maybe I’m not giving a whole city hope, but I am giving it to myself, who always struggled to have it before. Thank you.

Well guys, it’s been a long, rocky road with hundreds of sharp, spikey rocks at the bottom, but we made it somehow, and that’s great. For me personally, this experience has been an experience. I’ve had relationships, I’ve hated people, I’ve made one or two friends. Enough about that; I’d rather discuss the positives that this school has brought me.

A New Environment

This school has given me a new environment compared to my old one, where it’d be clouded bathrooms engulfed in smoke, classrooms full of sleeping teachers and kids, kids teaching students, or teachers telling kids about their “nightlife.” “I know it’s shocking but true. This place gave me a real education. While I do wish I had more science classes, it still has given me a good place to learn and grow as a person.

Friends

I know I’m a pretty cool guy. I mean, I’m funny, smart, humble, and awe-inspiring—some pretty good qualities if I do say so myself. But at my last school anyone that wasn’t affiliated with a gang or group was fodder, and I wasn’t the type of person to join one of those groups if you catch my drift, so I was alone for my middle school and high school experience, but here there wasn’t anything like that, and even with my crippling anxiety and my Asperger’s, I was able to overcome it and made 2 friends. 

Opportunities 

At my last school the only opportunities you get are always shot down by defunding and no adult supervision. For instance, there were no clubs because what type of adult would want to stay with the same twerps that whine and moan all day, and who would want to fund a school where a lot of the students are toting an AK or a Glock everywhere? It’s not fair, but that’s what it is like. The state won’t try and help schools like that, whereas here there are clubs, funding, trips, and scholarship opportunities, and schools won’t look right past you when you’re applying to colleges.

I know there aren’t that many reasons, but I only needed one to come here, and if I had to do my life over again, I most likely would still want to come here even though it has its faults, but we humans do too. I hope whoever’s reading this gets the same opportunities as me and can hope for a brighter future. Signing off forever is Quentin McClinton