Author: Steph Hartmann

Whenever I meet new people, one thing I love to mention is the fact that I was born in Indonesia. Sometimes I feel like it’s my only defining trait. Even if it’s the only thing people remember me by, at least it’s unique. I mean, I’m proud of where I come from… I think. It definitely wasn’t my favorite time in my life, but I was also 4 so I wouldn’t even know. I moved to America in April of 2014, which was over 10 years ago now (that’s INSANE to me) and because I was so young, I barely remember it. 

I’m always asked, “What do you remember about Indonesia?” and I usually answer, “Not much!” But that stupid question always kickstarts the rusty little cobweb-covered gears in my brain to start remembering the foggiest time of my life.

One of my favorite memories of my life before America was playing online games with my dad. I’ve mentioned it before in my other blogs but not in detail. I’ve also already mentioned the fact that my dad gave me my first laptop at 4 years old. I still can’t tell if that was a good or bad parenting move.

For those of you that didn’t experience the most magical form of childhood joy, Pixie Hollow Online was Disney’s Tinkerbell MMO thing. Key word “was” because it shut down in 2013 and I was there! I remember logging on and waiting for my computer to crash or something. I don’t remember many details, just a blurry feeling of sadness as my favorite fairy game was ripped away from my little 5 year old hands. I’ll never forgive Disney for that…

I remember one time I was redecorating my house, and I’m sure it looked great because 5 year old me must’ve had amazing interior design skills. I don’t remember what the house looked like, but I do remember having a trash can made of leaves and my dad did the little sitting emote on it and told me he was “using the bathroom” in my trash can. I remember getting so mad because obviously it was for trash! Sorry if that detail was weird, it’s the only thing I actually remember about playing that game. Clearly, you can see who I get my potty humor from…

While I was doing research to see if my brain was lying to me or not, I found a Pixie Hollow blog post from the exact day Pixie Hollow shut down and it is so funny and also so sad. I’ll share it HERE!!! if anyone is curious about what happened in my little fairy world.

Watching all the Tinkerbell movies and playing Pixie Hollow unsurprisingly led me to believe in fairies. Like seriously. Until I was 10. I moved to America when I was 6 so I don’t know what on Earth was keeping my fairy beliefs up for 4 more years but it needs to come back. Anyway, the sweetest memory I have from Indonesia is going outside with my dad and placing doll-sized chairs and tables and coming back the next day to find glitter sprinkled all over it. My dad would wake me up and tell me, “The fairies came last night!” and I would run out to go see the “pixie dust” and that was the only kind of running I ever did as a kid.

Also, I did not believe in Santa Clause – I believed in Christmas fairies. I loved Legos as a kid, and I remember one Christmas where I woke up to glitter all over my (unwrapped) presents and found a little red fire truck Lego set. While I was building it, I was eating watermelon in one hand and playing in the piles of glitter with another hand and my dad mistakenly thought I was eating the glitter. 

 

I have so many little memories that stand alone without any leading moments. I wish I remembered more but it’s physically impossible for me to. Like this one ad on YouTube that I would watch multiple times a night for a few weeks where it was some sort of dollhouse with a waterslide. It wasn’t for Barbies, it was for little toys and I don’t even remember if they were little humans or animals. I think about it a lot, though.

 

As a preschool aged child on the internet, I loved My Little Pony. I’m still a fan, I have a bunch of MLP stickers all over my water bottle (thanks Richie!). A memory that honestly haunts me probably sits somewhere on a digital camera’s SD card somewhere. So I watched a lot of skits made with MLP toys. And guess who had a bunch of MLP toys…

Inspired by all of the skits I watched, I decided I wanted to make a video. So I set up my dad’s digital camera in between me and 2 of my MLP toys and I made AppleJack (and whoever the other one was) talk! Except they weren’t talking… Because for some reason I thought the camera would hear my thoughts. So I was humming. Like talking in my head. Apparently a little too loud because my dad interrupted my (totally amazing) video to ask me what I was doing.

I remember watching the video back and being so disappointed that the camera didn’t pick up the words I was saying… in my head. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s what I did every time I played with any of my toys. I probably hummed so loudly because I didn’t know what kind of conversation my toys would have because I didn’t know many words.

 

Now back to shorter memories once again, my dad worked a lot so I had a lot of babysitters. One time, it was a hot sunny day (like most were in Indonesia) and I was sitting on my bed with the babysitter doing something I don’t remember. And then I saw a big, fat rat come out of our shower drain and run around the room until my babysitter hit it with a broom. That’s all I remember. Now I don’t know if the rat was super big because Indonesia had crazy big rats or because I was a tiny 4 year old, either way it was huge.

 

I’ve mentioned the fact that I grew up living in a motel in Indonesia before. I think the only reason we were able to stay so long was because my dad was friends with the motel owner. This motel was built on a huge hill that had a little concrete balcony connected to the parking lot. They had potted ferns with the kinds that curl up when you touch them so every morning I would go outside to harass the ferns because I thought it was so cool. I’m still looking for those kinds of ferns by the way, I want to have one and touch the leaves every morning. That would be a nice full circle moment.

Anyway, one day I was running up (or down) the huge slope of the driveway, and I fell. I rarely did anything active so I rarely got hurt, but this one was bad. (This is super gross so skip to the next paragraph if you’re easily grossed out!) Somehow, I scraped almost all of the skin off of my elbow. Like gone. I get so uncomfortable thinking about it now. 

To my knowledge, I don’t have a scar to prove it but I remember my dad making me wear an arm sling that used to belong to him. Actually, when I was looking through my paperwork to apply to MSA, I found a picture of him wearing that exact sling!

 

It was fun to finally write down all of these memories that might fade out as I get older. Spending so much time thinking about the past made me really sad. When my dad found videos of me playing with my toys and putting my stuffed animals to sleep, I cried so hard. At this point, I was like 10. I don’t even know why I started crying, but if he found those videos again I would probably cry even harder.

I miss being a little kid, and that’s so strange to say. I have so much now and I have so much ahead of me, but I can’t help but miss the past so much. Honestly, my life was probably worse back then but I just want to go back. Writing this blog made me realize how often my dad was in my favorite memories. I miss him, which is something I haven’t said since I was a kid going off to elementary school for the first time.

Sometimes I get these visions of my childhood, like I knew that moment wouldn’t last forever so I decided to remember it until I was 16 and writing about the few memories I have from Indonesia. Watching memories of my childhood is like watching short clips of a TV show that grows more static as time goes on. Something that’s just slightly out of my reach now, but it’s slipping away more and more as the years go on. I don’t want to grow up, but I can’t do anything about it now. I think I should text my dad.

I am a horror enthusiast. I have been ever since I was young. Things that scared me ultimately lured me in. The elements of mystery and fear piqued my interest. When I was young, I would purposefully watch scary movies, but if it became too much I would hold my hand in front of the screen so I could only see parts of it. I would pick scary books to read, but I would have to read a few words at a time before putting the book down for a few seconds. 

I don’t know where this initial love of being scared came from. Growing up, I was always afraid. I lived in constant fear. When I lived in Indonesia, I lived in a relatively dangerous place, I was left alone with sketchy adults and I am just now realizing how awful that sounds. 

I’ve always been afraid of being alone. When I lived in Indonesia, I had my own bedroom, but it was always empty because I refused to sleep alone, even if it was just a few feet away from my dad. So he built me a little tent on my side of the bed we shared, the side closest to the wall. I remember having a terrible nightmare where I came home and a zombie McDonalds worker (I’m so serious) jumped out of the bathroom at me. You know the thing where you can’t run in your dreams? That started happening to me, so I had to crawl away but the rug I was crawling on kept moving with me so I was going nowhere. I called out to my dad and he didn’t do anything to help. That was before I could differentiate dreams from reality so when I woke up, I was really angry at him and never told him why because I thought it was real. I still feel bad for that – I should’ve told him. It’s really funny to look back on that now, though.

When I moved to America, I felt safe for the first time. I actually lived in a house, I finally had friends and trusted adults around me, I had 3 meals a day promised to me. This was such a stark contrast to everything I had known, the fear that I had grown so familiar with. I started having terrible nightmares almost every night. I don’t remember any of these, but my great aunt would always ask me if I remembered. I would hide under the bed and wouldn’t come out. I would wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. I would claim to see things that no one else could see. I don’t remember any of this but my great aunt would tell me these things and I would keep repeating “I don’t remember doing that.”

When we moved houses, things seemed fine. I still slept with my dad, but the nightmares fizzled out. Then, I got my own bedroom. It was cute and pink and I had all of my stuffed animals in there and a bed crown with a curtain! I wonder where that thing went because I miss it. Anyways, things started to look up. I was able to sleep on my own (at the ripe age of 6) and I wasn’t having nightmares. I was content and happy for once. Then I started developing insomnia. I would lay awake in bed for hours in a dimly lit, completely silent room all alone. To combat this, my great aunt gave me a bulky radio to put on my tiny little nightstand because she knew I loved music. We’d set it on the pop music station and it didn’t really work, but it definitely cheered me up. Now, I would just sit in a dimly lit room all alone with Timber by Pitbull and Kesha playing in the background. It got to a point where I would memorize all of the commercials that would play on the radio. Then I started seeing shapes in the shadows of my room. Not like an insane creepy way, in a way like when you see shapes in the clouds. Sometimes these shapes would scare me though and I would start crying. 

Eventually, I had the worst nightmare that an 8 year old could ever conjure that I still think of to this day. It started off as if it was a point and click adventure game. I didn’t see any arrows or a mouse or anything like that but the way the point of view moved so slowly and robotically, that was the only way I could describe it. The nightmare started off with me entering the house and walking straight to my room, again, like a point and click game. Then I opened the door to my bedroom and it was literally filled with a bunch of dead bodies. It feels kind of silly talking about this now after so many years but imagine a scared little 8 year old having this nightmare while sleeping in that very bedroom. There wasn’t a single surface that wasn’t covered in blood or corpses. The point of view went into the room and to my connected bathroom and there were even more bodies in there. I hope to never relive that memory or feel that kind of fear again in my life. After that, I refused to even go in my room for 2 years and it was a rough process of getting me to sleep alone again.

I meant to focus this blog on my love for the horror genre but I felt like it was important to explain my history with the feeling of fear and why I love it so much now as a 16 year old. 

I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a nightmare (knock on wood) and I’m so grateful for that. Nightmares are literally the worst thing imaginable. Being at complete mercy of the horrors your brain has created until your body decides to wake you up again is a terrifying idea.

As I’ve mentioned, I loved horror as a little girl. I watched scary movies, read scary stories, watched other people play scary games because I couldn’t. It’s no surprise that I haven’t changed. Horror is my favorite genre in everything. Movies, shows, books, Tik Toks, …Pinterest??? Yeah, I have a horror board on Pinterest and then I get upset when I’m jump scared on my feed when I’m looking for craft projects at 2 AM – nothing new. 

One thing that is still also present in 16 year old me now, is the fact that I don’t like to be alone. Typing this out now has made me realize that I have not changed much from the scared, sad little girl I used to be. I still love scary things and I’m still afraid of being alone. I’ve just gotten a little bit taller. And hopefully a little bit prettier and skinnier.

I still like horror, but I like to have someone there with me. I don’t like to enjoy horror content by myself so I would rather have someone tell me the story along with their input and opinions and how they enjoyed it. Some people might think that’s silly or lazy, even. I’ll admit, it’s not something I’m proud of but it’s true and that’s okay. This blog was meant to talk about how I had a void in my enjoyment of horror. Most things I was interested in as a kid never really connected to me specifically. I couldn’t find anything that really resonated with me and I think that’s what makes an amazing story. Obviously, it resonated with other people – just not me and that’s perfectly fine. 

A few years after I decided I wanted to be an author in the 6th grade, I wondered about what I wanted to write. I knew I could write whatever genre felt right for the story, but that just didn’t feel right. I wanted something I would be known for. I wanted something I knew I would enjoy, and something other people would enjoy. I thought about my childhood and how much I loved horror, but I felt like there was a void in what I really found joy in. I remember reading this series in the 4th grade called “You’re Invited to a Creepover” but I just remembered it as “Creepover.” It was basically scary stories about/for young girls. I loved that series. I felt like I could relate to it, I found joy in the stories and they were also really scary to me.

That’s exactly what I wanted to make as an author. Horror stories for weird teenage girls. Horror stories that will embrace femininity and make real people, real young girls, feel like they’ve been heard. I want teenage girls to find something that they enjoy rather than just having to deal with creative media created by boys for boys. Of course, horror should be for everyone. But growing up, I never had an outlet that represents my femininity and love for scary things and that’s what I want to be for teenage girls. I want to grow into a creative idol that younger me would adore.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I grew up entirely on the Internet. My dad got me my first laptop when I was just 4 years old. Of course, he did it in good favor. I had always played games on his laptop so he just decided to get me my own. But instead of using his own laptop for work like he thought he would, he just spent all his time playing Club Penguin and Pixie Hollow with me. Times like that created the best memories I have to this day.

So when I moved to America in 2014, I was (unfortunately) chronically online at the ripe age of 6. I spent every single day on YouTube. Wasting hours of my day with my eyes glued to the screen. But honestly, I look back on those moments fondly. I had fun and that’s really all that mattered. I wasn’t doing anything harmful and I think I grew up to be an alright person. Hopefully others think I’m a little more than “alright,” though.

In my early days of YouTube, I got really into indie games (like most people). The first one I remember was Five Nights at Freddy’s but I refuse to talk about that one… So instead, I’ll discuss the ones that positively impacted me and still affect me to this day – like Undertale.

Words actually cannot describe just how much Undertale (and Deltarune!) impacted me as a person. I have 2 huge Undertale posters above my bed at home and a Deltarune print on my wall at MSA. I also have more merch on this year’s Christmas list so if anyone wants to get me a little something, you know what to get… 

Undertale was a game released in 2015 where you play as a little kid that falls into the “Underground” and you can either make friends with “Monsters” or kill them. I remember watching Jacksepticeye’s playthrough of it and then scouring YouTube to watch as many more playthroughs as little 7-year-old me could. I never actually played it, but I did play Deltarune which is kind of an alternate reality to Undertale.

Sally Face was another game that shook my whole world as a kid. This one was released in 2016, and I remember being obsessed with Gloom’s playthrough of it. It’s about a boy with a prosthetic face that solves mysteries and goes ghost hunting with his friends. I was so confused about the story and it took me so long to figure it out, because I was literally 8-years-old when the first chapters released. When I was a kid, I was really picky about the art styles of the games and shows that I watched, and I remember being somewhat grossed out by the style of Sally Face, but now I love it with my whole entire heart. I also have a giant poster of it in my room back at home (and it’s kind of creepy).

Stardew Valley actually changed me as a person. I would not be the girl I am today if Stardew Valley did not come out in 2016. Back then, I hated living in Mississippi and I wanted to move to big cities so badly, and then this little farming simulator came out and my entire world changed. It’s actually unhealthy. I’ll sit outside and think “this is just like Stardew Valley.” No girl, this is literally your backyard. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve made it my goal to move to the countryside when I’m old just because of Stardew Valley. Y’all wouldn’t get it…

I’m a little worried about how much I’ve bared my soul in these blogs. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop anytime soon. I just love to overshare. I’d love to hear about anyone else’s favorite memories about their early days on the Internet or if they were obsessed with indie games too. Expect my next blog to be about Deltarune.

Content warning: loss of a loved one and heavy emotions.

---

It’s been four weeks since I received the worst news of my life. That’s a month since my great aunt passed away. It’s still a soft subject for me, I don’t know why I talk about it this much. I’m constantly upset because I’m thinking about her, and then I do things that make me think about her even more.

My life was nearly perfect before. I was attending my dream highschool, making new friends, finding out about myself and my personality. I was even losing weight and my acne was clearing up. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Then, my only mother figure was ripped away from me.

It was all so sudden. She was 84 and I understand that, but she was so healthy. She did everything she could to make sure of it. To most people, she looked nowhere near her actual age. I had seen her a day prior to her death and everything was perfect. It was Sunday and we went to church together, like we always did. We didn’t do much that day, just enjoyed each other’s company. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

During the first week, my mind was quiet while my heart felt like it had been physically pulled out and ripped apart. If I wasn’t crying, I was asleep and if I wasn’t asleep, I was crying. It was a vicious cycle that I’m glad I was able to get out of. I was waiting to come back to MSA, I knew I would be happier there. I hate that quiet, empty house where everything reminds me of her, but I love my dad and my dog with all my heart and I’d do anything for them.

---

“It’ll get better” is something that I used to tell myself all the time. A few years ago, I hit rock bottom. I lost a lot of my friends, failed half of my classes, and hated everything. I promised myself that things would be better and, with time, they did. I found new friends that showed me real friendship and love, my grades excelled, and (for the first time) I loved myself. After a year, I hit rock bottom again. I lost some friends and got caught in highschool drama and I was miserable. This time was different, though. I remembered how I pulled myself up out of the lowest point in my life and I didn’t have to promise myself anything anymore because I knew it would get better. And it did. I came to MSA and I was happier than ever for just 2 weeks.

I keep telling myself that it’ll get better. When I think it does, it all comes crashing down again. The first week back at MSA was great and I thought things were looking up. Then the second week was just awful. The third week started to look better, and now, I’m back in the dumps.

An entire month has passed and I don’t know how to feel. I’ll be completely honest, I’ve never been more disappointed in myself. History is repeating. I think I’ve already lost a few friends, I feel like my grades are dropping, and I don’t feel the same love I had for myself anymore. I tell myself it’ll get better, I know it’ll get better, but right now, it’s so hard to believe.

---

When I came back to MSA, I was swarmed with love and support and I couldn’t be more grateful. My friends helped me stay distracted from the heavy feelings and my teachers gave me grace while I struggled with motivation and fought to stay focused during class. Dr. Blauw helped in so many different ways, I can’t thank her enough. With this amount of love around me, I’m hopeful for the future and thankful for everyone in my life. This wound will heal with time and I know it’ll get better.

I’ve loved Nintendo games ever since I could remember, but I’m not as cool as most people who loved Nintendo as a kid, I had a 2DS instead of a 3DS because my dad thought they were cooler. Also, I was just an average enjoyer who didn’t understand half of the games I played because I was too young (and wasn’t conscious yet). 

One game has consistently stuck with me for years, though, and that’s Tomodachi Life. It was released in 2013 in Japan, then a year later in North America. Unfortunately, I was late to the party and found out about it through DanTDM’s series on YouTube. By that time, I had moved to America and in the process, somehow lost half of my stuff (including my 2DS that I lowkey hated). So, I bought a brand new 3DS off of Amazon and Tomodachi Life, as well as Animal Crossing: New Leaf. I don’t think I could ever recreate that excitement that little 8-year-old me had for that Amazon package. When it finally came, I tore that box open and got to work.

Tomodachi Life is a simulation game where you make little characters then feed them, give them gifts, play games with them, and watch them creepily through their windows. Little 8-year-old me loved that apparently because slightly bigger 16-year-old me still loves it. I made all my best friends, family members, and whoever else I could possibly think of, and I took care of all of them like a loving mother.

When you first start the game, you get the chance to make a “lookalike” of yourself on an island you get to name. I have such distinct memories of making my lookalike and moving the mole feature to the bottom right side of my mouth and making it huge so I could see it. I would always set my height as short as it could be and make my shirt pink. When I think back on it, I miss those days like crazy, but I left my 3DS (which is the same 3DS I ordered when I was 8) at home.

One thing about Tomodachi Life that I have to talk about is the music! I spent so many hours playing that game that I have almost every song’s melody memorized. The second I hear the night theme, my mind goes back to all those times I played my 3DS past my bedtime under the covers. When I hear the apartment theme, I remember every time I would show my friends the character I made for them, and they would usually react with mixed emotions because I probably made them look really ugly.

One thing that I’ve been silently hoping for is a version of Tomodachi Life for the Nintendo Switch. I don’t know how they would adapt it because the 3DS and the Switch are really different, but a girl can dream! I know a lot of people talk about how great it would be if Tomodachi Life came to the Switch and I’ve been tricked a couple of times thinking it finally happened, which is so embarrassing.

I’m about to tell you a secret I haven’t told anyone, but I guess I just spill all my secrets on this blog. Whenever I’m feeling unmotivated to do a task, like laundry or cleaning, I just play Tomodachi Life music and pretend that I’m a little islander doing my chores with my lookalike watching after me. It doesn’t even have to be Tomodachi Life, sometimes I pretend to be a Sim from the Sims 4. I just realized I play pretend a lot for a 16-year-old… But try it and thank me later!

Thank you for reading my silly blog about the game that’s been festering in my mind recently. I think I’m more obsessed with it now than I have been because I forgot my 3DS at home and I can’t get it for another week. Also, I haven’t even thought about DanTDM in years until I started writing this so that was a crazy throwback. 

is what I would say if I was a HATER! That little redhead changed my life and I’m going to talk about it. Her album “The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess” has taken over everyone’s playlists and I love that. 

I found out about Chappell Roan shortly after she released “Good Luck, Babe!” in April when she had around 4 million monthly listeners. Now, she has almost 40 million. At my old school, I would put on Chappell and people would groan and ask, “who is this?” At MSA, people cheered when “HOT TO GO!” played at the back-to-school dance. Here’s me talking about some of her less popular songs! Minus “School Nights” because I think we can all agree that it was rough…

“Love Me Anyway” was released in 2020 and is one of my favorites! You can even hear the yodel that she puts into her later songs. I love the story she tells in the lyrics about the one-sided relationship where Chappell is singing from the perspective of the person in the wrong.

“Subway” is an unreleased song that she performed at Gov Ball while she was dressed like the Statue of Liberty. I love the vocals, and she sings about missing a girl she met on the subway. Listening to the ending is a full body experience. Minus points though because I have to listen to it in the form of Spotify podcasts and she might not even officially release it.

“After Midnight” is the third track on “The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess” and it’s so fun! It’s about leaving home, finding her place, and just having fun at the club. It’s just a fun, catchy pop song. Plus points because it’s my great aunt’s favorite.

“Coffee” made me cry the first time I heard it, the piano breaks my heart. It’s about a relationship that ended but they both need closure. They want to talk about it, but they know if they see each other, the cycle will repeat of getting back together then leaving again.

“Picture You” is by far my favorite Chappell Roan song. The lyrics are beautiful, her voice is amazing, and her vocal flips at the end of the song changed my life. Her Tiny Desk performance of this song was honestly better than the original and when she performs it live, she usually has a wig on a mic stand as a partner!

“Kaleidoscope” breaks my heart every time. It’s my most skipped song from her album because I know I’ll get sad if I listen to it. It’s about confessing your crush on your friend, not being reciprocated, and then having to go back like none of it happened.

“California” hits so close to home. I still love it though and I adore the story about leaving her hometown to chase her dreams and make her family proud but becoming extremely homesick. I really relate to this story with moving to MSA and it hurts my heart to listen to. 

“Guilty Pleasure” is my guilty pleasure! The beginning really threw me off the first time I heard it, it’s strangely whimsical but now I think it’s really fun to listen to. Chappell’s vocals are to die for in this song! Her yodeling changed my brain chemistry and I love the way she performs it live, too!

I know everyone and their mom talks about Chappell Roan, but I just wanted to add my two cents. A lot of people have been saying that she is bringing “camp” or tacky music back and I really love that because most of the time, I just really like to listen to fun songs, that’s it. So what if it’s tacky or overrated? Chappell Roan’s music makes me happy, and I haven’t gotten sick of listening to the same album for 4 months straight (yet).