Excerpt from “dear, applicant”

The following blog post is an excerpt from my short story “dear, applicant.” I wrote this story for an assignment back in September and the excerpt is of a dream sequence. I was hurting for ideas while writing this, so I took something that is rife, here in high school. Anxiety about college. I’m a little afraid for college. I have no idea where I’m going to go, but at least I have some ideas of what I want to do. For the assignment, we had to write a short story with elements from a mentor text. The following is the excerpt.

The numbers swam, red LEDs skipped through the windows of the train. They smiled at her, waving as more got on. A crimson conductor pulled little people onto the train, seating them as they handed over tickets. The light got brighter, the small people growing and pushing at the train, screeching sounds of expanding metal filled the air as the train grew. She wanted to get on, but she didn’t have a ticket. How could she get one? The train started inching away, accelerating until it was steadily chugging away. She chased after it, her legs trying to go at a speed faster than her body could ever hope to achieve. She looked down at her watch. Hands of minutes and hours spun as if time was speeding up. Her eyes trailed back up to the train, wheels pushed against tracks, speeding down rails. As her sight traveled down the tracks, she witnessed a tornado spinning up from the dust. The tornado grew, heading straight down the rails to meet the train steadily gaining speed.

She tried to scream for the train to stop, veer off, something to save the red people in the compartments, but her voice grew hoarse and scratchy. She started running towards the train, but the tornado met metal sooner. The train was lifted into the air, twisted around and torn apart. People and iron screamed together in an unholy chorus of pain. The impact sent the twister off towards her. She turned and dashed away, trying to outrun what she knew she couldn’t. Her feet pounded against the ground, trying to push away at it, get ahead of Mother Nature and her penchant for destruction. She heard the ground crumbling and felt the torrent of wind at her back. One step on a rock sent her falling. She fell for what felt like forever, surrounded by the sound of screams and rushing air.

With a scream and a gasp, she stood, yet her desk, laptop, and papers sat in front of her. The train clock sat there, the artificial whistle sounding off repeatedly. 6:30am.

Remembrance: Once in a Lifetime Experience

This is the first installment of a new series of blogs I’m going to be writing, focusing on remembering different events in my life through a narrative/diary like style.

I’ve been to a concert before. December 20th, 2019, I saw Greta Van Fleet at the UNO Lakefront Arena in New Orleans, LA. It was mediocre. For one, I wasn’t super interested in them, I really just went because my dad and my stepmother wanted to. The music was okay. I felt that GVF was really only popular because they sounded extremely similar to Led Zeppelin, so they didn’t strike me as incredibly original. There was also the fact that I was eleven and had a terrible sleep schedule, so I was exhausted from waiting in line and I fell asleep intermittently throughout the show. The people sitting in front of me were chainsmoking as well, so a headache made it a not very fun experience. Not to say that all concerts are like that, but I did not enjoy it.

Leaping forward into the year 2024 A.D., November 2nd, to be precise, I am in Atlanta, GA. Waiting in my hotel room, I do my makeup. Navy blue liner in my waterline, teal eyeshadow with seafoam green and blue glitter in my inner corners, and electric blue wings accentuate my eyes. I pick out something to put on my lips, a dark grey, almost black, lip-gloss. With my outfit pulled together, me and my dad walk about 20 minutes to the State Farm Arena through the somewhat crowded streets of Atlanta, with advertisements on the surrounding screens for Billie Eilish’s “Hit Me Hard And Soft” Tour. The tour we’re all going to see. The foremost thing in my mind, There’s a lot of people here. I haven’t even stepped foot in the building yet. There is a line of people around the block, all waiting to get inside to see a woman on stage. It’s so odd how we idolize regular people who share talents with a large handful of the population. I love music and singers, but sometimes I think, maybe they were just in the right place at the right time to reach stardom. I say that as if I hadn’t been out of my mind with excitement the entire time, as if I wasn’t one in the throngs of people waiting anxiously to see this woman sing on a stage hundreds of feet away, less than that if you’re rich and lucky. It was absolutely astounding. I loved dancing around with crowds of people, singing along to songs written by someone who would never know who I am. I enjoyed how I couldn’t even hear my own singing, so of course it sounded terrible. The setlist also had some of my favorite songs by Billie Eilish, along with opener Towa Bird, who I’d heard a little bit before the concert but not much to say I enjoyed her music. Now I can confidently say I love her album American Hero. The music was amazing and I was really glad to have time to hang out with my dad in an environment like that. We both love music and it was really nice to have something that I can share with him.

Disconnection: A Journal Entry

So. We’re here. I broke my phone. It was bound to happen. Made out of simple glass, plastic, and lots of computer parts, it wasn’t the strongest thing on earth. I’m reasonably upset about it, I feel. It’s a big part of my life. It’s how I connect with the world, my friends, how I speak to my family, and how I keep myself in check. I use it for reminders, alarms, emails and the like. It’s an incredibly important part of my daily life. I use alarms to wake up and to keep track of time. I use my calendar to plan for things and to make sure I don’t have anything going on when I’m trying to schedule things. Music is an insanely big part of my life, so that’s another thing that I use my phone for. I text and call my parents and family with it. I scroll through social media, which admittedly, isn’t the best use of my time. I jot down notes in it, which now really sucks because I had a lot of writing ideas in my notes that I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to get back. I’m sure this is how it felt when the Library of Alexandria burned down but on a much larger and more dramatic scale. I wonder why I’m so attached to my phone and then I realize, it’s my everything. My parents had the luxury of growing up without all these devices but I’m sure they had something similar. I’m sure their parents thought they had something they were unreasonably attached to. It’s interesting to see how many people tell me, “You have an opportunity to disconnect, now!” I don’t enjoy disconnecting. It highlights how easily bored I get, and how much I don’t like people. It’s also a little difficult to watch everyone be on their phones and not be looking around, even though I know the minute I get a replacement phone, I’ll be exactly the same.

I’m not good at journal entries, so I took to this as more of a conversation, or just me rambling and talking at someone.

-Jude

A Note on Suicide…

The following is an article I wrote for MSA’s school newspaper, RISE. I am one of the co-heads of the Health & Wellness section. Please go check out the entire paper and help support Journalism in schools.

TW: Information about suicide.

Suicide Helpline numbers will be included at the end of this blog post.

In honor of the end of Suicide Prevention Month, I am writing a post on suicide. This is a very grim topic, and I apologize if this is uncomfortable for many of you, but this is something that is a very real threat to our lives. Nobody is completely protected from the causes of suicide, but by talking about it, we can be more aware of it and make it less of something to be hidden. Hiding these feelings, normally called suicidal ideations, is how they go unnoticed. This is dangerous for reasons that I shouldn’t even have to explain.
Suicide, by definition, is the act of harming oneself with the intent to kill. Suicidal ideation is the continued thought of this act. Suicidal ideation is incredibly hard to diagnose or prevent, given that we cannot monitor thoughts. We can monitor behaviors, but if the affected individual is adept at hiding these behaviors, then it can be nigh impossible.
We can look for warning signs, though. These are some of the most common warning signs of suicide: speaking about killing oneself or wanting to die, talking about feeling trapped or hopeless, acting anxious or agitated; being reckless, increased use of alcohol or drugs, extreme mood swings, self-isolation, drastic change in sleep such as sleeping too little or too much, displaying increased aggression, rage, or seeking revenge, and finally, searching for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online, buying a gun, or commonly buying an excess of sleeping pills.
These signs are easily dismissed as being a teenager, and sometimes the sudden influx of hormones do share the signs, but recognizing these signs in family, friends, or children is paramount to their safety. I’m not asking that my readers be constantly vigilant, but somewhat. If anyone you know has had a drastic change in mood, personality or behavior, please check up on them.
This is a topic that is difficult to even write about, much less discuss, but I implore you, dear readers, to be careful. If you notice these signs in yourself as well, please talk to someone about it.
Suicidal thoughts can arise during long periods of excess conflict, change, high local suicide rates, or loss of relationships or a job. Cultural and religious beliefs can also increase the likelihood of suicide by bringing a stigma to the discussion of it, or by making a person believe that it is a noble solution to a personal or interpersonal problem. This is highly incorrect.
Dear reader, if you are struggling with these feelings, I have something I would like you to know. I don’t care if you feel that you have nothing to offer the world. You do. You may not see it, but I know for a fact that you have things to offer the world and others around you. Your smile is beautiful, even if you may not show it, and you have the ability to brighten the day of the people you meet. Even just in a passing smile, or general compliment, you can make someone’s day so much better. You could prevent someone else from feeling the same way you do.
This article is intended to be both a warning and a message to those struggling with suicidal thoughts or those who believe they are completely unaffected by them. Nobody is completely invulnerable to anything, but if we as a society can move past the stigma about suicide, we can make this a world worth living in. I believe that everyone has something to offer our world, even if they do not see it themselves. With that, I will leave suicide hotlines at the bottom of this article. If you need help, do not be afraid to seek it. You deserve all the help that you can get. You matter.

Dial 911 if you are in immediate danger.

Suicide Lifeline
Dial or Text 988 for Hotline
Or, visit chat.988lifeline.org to chat online.

Dial 211 if you are in crisis and need emergency referrals to social and community services but are not currently experiencing a life-threatening emergency

The Youthline specializes in teen-to-teen crisis support, and can be reached from 4-10pm PST for peer services by texting ‘teen2teen’ to 839863, otherwise, it is staffed 24/7 by adult crisis responders at (877) 968-8491

The Trevor Project for LGBTQ+ and questioning youth
1(866) 488-7386

My Newest Obsession

Among all of the things I say I love, graphic design is one of the top three on that list. I love being able to bring what’s in my brain out into reality. Sadly, I can’t do that on my own because my hands are unsteady and I can never seem to get drawings just right. That’s kind of why I didn’t apply for the visual arts course here at MSA. Enter Canva. Now I promise this isn’t paid for, just my humblest of humble opinions. Canva is my favorite thing on earth. Even the free version is great, though now I have Canva Pro (thank you for feeding my addiction Ms. Hannah-Shea). I’ve only had Canva Pro for a couple days now but I LOVE IT. It offers more options for editing photos and general projects, templates, and elements. I can use tools and elements that were previously locked behind that blasted paywall. I’ve been handling the Instagram posts for our school newspaper, along with a couple projects for our Halloween festival happening in October. Now not too many details about that. Can’t ruin the surprise, can I? 😉

Canva allows you to create a multitude of things, from logos to posters, and much much more. It has an extensive library of graphics, fonts, images, and effects for animations. These graphics come with a transparent background which is incredibly helpful. If you like graphic design or digital art then I’m sure you’ve gone through the pain of finally finding an image you like on Google, thinking it’s got a transparent background, then putting it into whatever your program of choice is and then realizing that it is, in fact, not at all transparent. Noooooo, the pain!!!! Yes, I am dramatic.

Along with the graphics, fonts, and images, there are also templates! These templates are preloaded, predesigned and everything. This means that a stunning Instagram post is as easy as 1 2 3. You only have to fill in the information and replace the stock photos and you’re done! I’ve never used Canva for my personal social media, frankly because none of my photos are ever nice enough for graphic design, but I know that it is incredibly useful in those applications.

With these graphics you can also change the colors with ease, which makes it incredibly easy when you like the design of something but don’t necessarily like the colors.

Canva has become one of my most used websites in a matter of weeks because of the ease with which you can use it. It is incredibly simple and gives you a tutorial when you first make an account. I hope you come to use it as much as I do!

Iris Apfel: Icon, Maximalist, Silly Old Lady

Iris Apfel is a name not many people know. Born Iris Barrel on August 29th, 1921, in Queens, New York, she was a businesswoman, fashion designer, model, and interior designer. Her father’s family owned a glass and mirror business, and her mother owned a fashion boutique. Raised on a farm and as an only child, she quite often took the subway to spend the day exploring Manhattan, where she spent her time shopping in antique stores at Greenwich Village. She fell in love with the eccentric jewelry, beginning her collection while still a child. When the Great Depression hit, her entire family was able to drape, sew, glue, and paint, and they all had a flair and style that could fit even the tiniest shoestring budget.

“Fashion you can buy, but style you possess. The key to style is learning who you are, which takes years. There’s no how-to road map to style. It’s about self-expression and, above all, attitude.”
Iris Apfel

She was known for her flamboyant style, eccentricity in the best ways possible, and her outspoken personality. I fell in love with Ms. Apfel when I first saw a video as I was scrolling on Instagram, of a little old lady, draped in the most colorful fabrics I’ve ever seen, with bracelets and necklaces that could ground the lightest of birds. I could’ve sworn I saw a crown on her head in that video. I became obsessed. She is one of my idols. From her style to her attitude, she is everything I want to be when I grow old. And yes, this blog will be filled with quotes from her.

“When you don’t dress like everybody else, you don’t have to think like everybody else.”
Iris Apfel

She lived to be 102, passing away two days after the first half of 102 years. While she was alive, she collected accomplishments like jewelry. As a young woman, she worked for Women’s Wear Daily as a copywriter. She worked for interior designer Elinor Johnson, flipping apartments, and creating a talent and eye for sourcing rare items. She married Carl Apfel in 1948 and two years later, the pair started the textile firm Old World Weavers, which ran until 1992, when they both retired. They specialised in reproducing fabrics from the 17th to the 19 centuries and frequently traveled to Europe in search of fabrics that were unavailable in the States. During the tenure of Old World Weavers, Apfel took part in numerous design and restoration projects, including a contract at the White House that lasted for nine presidents! She found that the Oval Office was her easiest client, seeing as they only wished to restore what was already there.

“If you don’t learn constantly, you don’t grow and you will wither. Too many people wither on the vine. Sure, it gets a little harder as you get older, but new experiences and new challenges keep it fresh.”
Iris Apfel

In 2011, Apfel was a visiting professor at the University of Texas in Austin’s Textiles and Apparel division. She was the face of an australian brand called Blue Illusion. In 2019, while she was 97, she signed a modelling contract with global agency IMG. She mixed both high and low fashions, desginer bloses paired with trousers bought at secondhand stores. In 2005, the MET Costume Institute showed an exhibition title Rara Avis [Rare Bird]: The Irreverent Iris Apfel. This exhibit displayed many designs from Apfel, most of which I couldn’t view online. sadly.

My top songs from Solar Power by Lorde

I have been a Lorde fan for as long as I can remember. From Pure Heroine to Melodrama, I’ve listened to it all. Even The Love Club EP. My top album of hers, though, has to be Solar Power. It touches less on the teenage nostalgia of Pure Heroine, and the early adulthood confusion of Melodrama, instead focusing on the feelings accompanied by being in your mid to late twenties, right at the end of early adulthood, yet still too young to be called an adult. Lorde meanders through a quarter-life crisis with beachy guitar tracks and soft-spoken vocals. I will also include my favorite lines from each song at the end of my analysis.

The Path

The Path is steeped slowly in mellow guitar riffs, sun-stained lyrics, and high vocals. Lorde sings about how she felt as a famous teen during the release of Pure Heroine. She also references how celebrities are treated like gods, and how she wishes her fans wouldn’t look at her in this light. She croons about how she shouldn’t be viewed as a savior, but as someone trying to find their path as well.

“Supermodels all dancin’ ’round a pharaoh’s tomb”

Stoned at the Nail Salon

Stoned at the Nail Salon is a track about indecision, looking back, and wondering how your life would’ve been if you hadn’t made the decisions you did. Lorde said in an interview that her favorite thing to do when she needed a break was to get high and go get her nails done. She has been unapologetic about her relationship with cannabis. In Stoned at the Nail Salon, Lorde reminisces about her life now, and how it used to be. The chorus repeats the line “Maybe I’m just stoned at the nail salon again” as if she is being silly and merely remembering.

“‘Cause all the music you loved at sixteen you’ll grow out of
And all the times they will change, it’ll all come around”

Secrets from a Girl (Who’s Seen it All)

Secrets from a Girl is a message to Lorde’s younger self. Throughout the song, she refers to insecurities she had about her rising fame as a teen, during the release of her single Still Sane, and Pure Heroine. She also speaks about how she thought she’d never gain self-control, but then contrasts that with a direct example of such behaviors. She includes a spoken word outro as well. A flight attendant, now arriving at Sadness, giving warnings about emotional baggage, and how temperatures are unbearable until you face them. It is clear that even the flight attendant doesn’t know where she is going, and that only you can find your way through.

“Couldn’t wait to turn fifteen
Then you blink and it’s been ten years
Growing up a little at a time, then all at once”

Leader of a New Regime

Leader of a New Regime serves as an interlude and is the 10th track of the album. The lyrics are surprisingly short, only two verses, 8 lines altogether. This song is Lorde’s version of a future prophecy, following a pop star after the end of the world. Cities are burned out, and people are retreating to their natural sanctuaries to start again. This pop star has a trunk full of music and designer dresses and plans to live out the rest of her days. The second verse begs someone to be the leader of a new regime. A message that if we don’t change our ways, we will have nothing.

“Free the keepers of the burnt-out scene another day
Lust and paranoia reign supreme”

What is Ego?

“If you get your ego in your way, you will only look to other people and circumstances to blame.”
Jocko Willink

What is ego? I’m certain it’s a word you’ve heard before. Oxford Languages defines ego as “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.” Simply put, ego is the mediator between a person’s psyche and reality. It is one of three parts of our psyche. These were defined by Freud as the Id, Ego, and Super-ego (not really named like that, but none of us speak German, do we?). I will say this, Freud was a drug addict who had some really terrible ideas about familial relationships, but some of the concepts he came up with are still applicable and relevant.
Now to figure out what Ego is, we must touch on the other two parts of our psyche, the Id and the Super-Ego.

Id:

The Id is described as the unconscious source of our emotional impulses, bodily needs, desires and wants. The Id is governed by something called the pleasure principle. Basically, Freud’s way of describing our innate desire to go towards things that feel good, rather than painful things. The Id knows no good or bad, reason, logic, or conscious thought. The Id cares only about sating its impulses and desires. Id is comprised of all instinctual impulses that begin at birth. When we are born, our psyche is mainly comprised of id, but as we grow and learn, part of the id develops into the Ego. The Id can only be described in relation to the Ego, because our understanding of Id is limited only to our dreams and various neuroses. The Id has no organization, or unified will, so multiple conflicting desires or instincts can exist within the Id at the same time without cancelling out. Pretty much, you can love and hate someone at the same time where the Id is concerned.

Ego:

Moving on to the Ego. The Ego realizes that we cannot mindlessly sate our desires as the Id wishes. Rather, we must act according to societal expectations and morals. The Ego has something the Id doesn’t. Control. Now Freud originally only described the Ego as the self, but later expanded it to include our judgement, reasoning and logic, planning, memory, and processing information. Ego is what mainly constitutes our general, day-to-day thought processes. The Ego’s job is to balance the uninhibited desires of the Id, the reality of the outside world, and the limitations imposed on it by the Super-Ego, all at the same time. For example, where the Id would desire a soda, and the Super-Ego refuses it because of the high sugar content, the Ego’s purpose is to find a workaround that minimizes conflict by pleasing both parties, in this instance by getting a sugar-free or diet soda. The ego must constantly balance all of these, always. The Ego is concerned with self-preservation, wishing to please the Id and act according to reality, all while staying within the confines of the parameters strictly enforced by the Super-Ego. The Ego is constantly plagued by anxiety regarding the outside world, moral anxiety or guilt caused by the Super-Ego, all while wrestling with the intense desires and passions of the Id. The Ego wants to serve the Id, ignoring the finer details of life to keep the Id complacent, while pretending to be concerned with reality, all the while being constantly scrutinized by the Super-Ego, which punishes it with anxiety, guilt, and feelings of inferiority. To process all these conflicting feelings, the ego employs coping mechanisms. Now, there is a laundry list of coping mechanisms I could share, but my head hurts, so I won’t be doing that. Some of the main ones are repression, denial, projection, and suppression. The difference between repression and suppression is that with repression, anxiety-inducing thoughts or memories are simply prevented from entering the mind, while suppression is the conscious act of forgetting or removing something from your head. Suppression can also be associated by obsessive compulsive disorder.

Super-Ego:

The Super-Ego is not the Ego dressed up in tights with a catchy theme song. The Super-Ego is a complete introjection of cultural standards, mainly taught by parents and other authority figures. Super-Ego is perfectionism personified. It wrote the book on nagging. Think of it like that one authority figure who thinks that you’re never good enough just constantly in your head. It’s mainly, but not entirely unconscious, and serves only to criticize and prohibit the expression of desires, feelings, fantasies, and actions. The Super-Ego and the Id cannot exist alone together. It’s like putting an aggressive cat and a reactive dog in a room together without a human to separate them. And this is the purpose of the Ego. To mediate and placate both the Id and the Super-Ego, while also processing reality. Now Freud goes on to talk about the Oedipus complex but that has been proven to be inaccurate and perverted so I will not be talking about it. The Super-Ego is a manifestation of all the beliefs and behaviors your parents and other authority figures instilled in you. Freud describes a child’s Super-Ego as not a model of its parents, but of its parents’ Super-Ego. This is how traditional values are passed down. Parents instill in their children what they wish they had been instilled with as children, and the children begin structuring themselves with that.

Met Gala 2024

Hello! I’m Jude, I’m a Junior Literary at MSA and I love fashion. I don’t think you understand, I am obsessed. And with fashion, there are always runways. One of the most famous runways? The MET Gala. Regarded as one of the most prestigious and opulent fashion runways in the world, anyone who is anyone is invited. It is technically an annual fundraising gala for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute in Manhattan. Used as an event to mark the opening of the Costume Institute’s annual exhibit, The Met Gala has a different dress code every year, as well as a different themed exhibit. Now, the exhibit theme and gala dress code are two very different things. The dress code describes to the guest what their outfits should be inspired by, while the exhibit theme pertains to the outfits being shown in the Costume Institute. This year, the gala theme was The Garden of Time, which is a short story by J.G. Ballard. In this story a count, vilified by an angry mob, cuts a glass rose from his garden, which gives him the ability to slow down time, but only for a short duration. The count continues to cut these glass roses from his garden, pushing the mob back slightly, until there are no more roses left. That being said, enough background info, I’m going to walk you through my favorite and least favorite outfits of the 2024 Met Gala show.

Favorites

1. Janelle Monae

One word. Stunning. Janelle Monae has always been a favorite of mine, but this blew everything else out of the water. Wearing Vera Wang, with REZA jewelry, she elegantly traverses the red carpet. The discs hanging from her dress were made from recycled plastic, with a 3D flower, sprouting from her shoulder, reminiscent of the glass flowers from the story that inspired the dress code. It was tasteful, beautiful, and on theme. Tens across the board.

2. Tyla

Tyla and Balmain took the theme of time much more literally. In a sculpted dress made of sand, yes, sand, she makes a nod to the sands of time. Of course, the hourglass clutch makes that even clearer. Who knew that you could make a dress from sand and crystals? Olivier Rousteing, creative director of Balmain, that’s who.

3. Cynthia Erivo

Cynthia Erivo in Thom Browne. Beautiful style, beautiful voice, beautiful all around, and keeping with the theme. Along with her dress, Erivo affixed an embroidered dragonfly to the base of her skull. Love the design choices, along with the mini insects on her tuxedo (as much as I dislike bugs anywhere but in nature). This was an amazing choice for the dress code, though I wish I had seen more of the aspect of time.

Least Favorites

1. Nicole Kidman

Girl, what is this? It’s weirdly shaped, boring in color, and doesn’t have any visible correlation to the dress code! Balenciaga did it again everybody! Ugly clothes that no person with any sense in their head would wear. Now NK’s 2023 MET dress was beautiful, but she flopped on this one.

2. Kim Kardashian

Waist cinched to oblivion, organs nowhere to be found, aluminum leaves chained together and to a fake silver corset. And the cherry on top of this pile of dog doo? The cheap, and pilling, mind you, H&M sweater. Go home.

3. Doja Cat

I can’t put the picture up here but she’s basically naked. Done in poor taste. Try again soon.