Junior Literary – Page 29 – Literary Arts Blogspace

My History with Horror

I am a horror enthusiast. I have been ever since I was young. Things that scared me ultimately lured me in. The elements of mystery and fear piqued my interest. When I was young, I would purposefully watch scary movies, but if it became too much I would hold my hand in front of the screen so I could only see parts of it. I would pick scary books to read, but I would have to read a few words at a time before putting the book down for a few seconds.

I don’t know where this initial love of being scared came from. Growing up, I was always afraid. I lived in constant fear. When I lived in Indonesia, I lived in a relatively dangerous place, I was left alone with sketchy adults and I am just now realizing how awful that sounds.

I’ve always been afraid of being alone. When I lived in Indonesia, I had my own bedroom, but it was always empty because I refused to sleep alone, even if it was just a few feet away from my dad. So he built me a little tent on my side of the bed we shared, the side closest to the wall. I remember having a terrible nightmare where I came home and a zombie McDonalds worker (I’m so serious) jumped out of the bathroom at me. You know the thing where you can’t run in your dreams? That started happening to me, so I had to crawl away but the rug I was crawling on kept moving with me so I was going nowhere. I called out to my dad and he didn’t do anything to help. That was before I could differentiate dreams from reality so when I woke up, I was really angry at him and never told him why because I thought it was real. I still feel bad for that – I should’ve told him. It’s really funny to look back on that now, though.

When I moved to America, I felt safe for the first time. I actually lived in a house, I finally had friends and trusted adults around me, I had 3 meals a day promised to me. This was such a stark contrast to everything I had known, the fear that I had grown so familiar with. I started having terrible nightmares almost every night. I don’t remember any of these, but my great aunt would always ask me if I remembered. I would hide under the bed and wouldn’t come out. I would wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. I would claim to see things that no one else could see. I don’t remember any of this but my great aunt would tell me these things and I would keep repeating “I don’t remember doing that.”

When we moved houses, things seemed fine. I still slept with my dad, but the nightmares fizzled out. Then, I got my own bedroom. It was cute and pink and I had all of my stuffed animals in there and a bed crown with a curtain! I wonder where that thing went because I miss it. Anyways, things started to look up. I was able to sleep on my own (at the ripe age of 6) and I wasn’t having nightmares. I was content and happy for once. Then I started developing insomnia. I would lay awake in bed for hours in a dimly lit, completely silent room all alone. To combat this, my great aunt gave me a bulky radio to put on my tiny little nightstand because she knew I loved music. We’d set it on the pop music station and it didn’t really work, but it definitely cheered me up. Now, I would just sit in a dimly lit room all alone with Timber by Pitbull and Kesha playing in the background. It got to a point where I would memorize all of the commercials that would play on the radio. Then I started seeing shapes in the shadows of my room. Not like an insane creepy way, in a way like when you see shapes in the clouds. Sometimes these shapes would scare me though and I would start crying.

Eventually, I had the worst nightmare that an 8 year old could ever conjure that I still think of to this day. It started off as if it was a point and click adventure game. I didn’t see any arrows or a mouse or anything like that but the way the point of view moved so slowly and robotically, that was the only way I could describe it. The nightmare started off with me entering the house and walking straight to my room, again, like a point and click game. Then I opened the door to my bedroom and it was literally filled with a bunch of dead bodies. It feels kind of silly talking about this now after so many years but imagine a scared little 8 year old having this nightmare while sleeping in that very bedroom. There wasn’t a single surface that wasn’t covered in blood or corpses. The point of view went into the room and to my connected bathroom and there were even more bodies in there. I hope to never relive that memory or feel that kind of fear again in my life. After that, I refused to even go in my room for 2 years and it was a rough process of getting me to sleep alone again.

I meant to focus this blog on my love for the horror genre but I felt like it was important to explain my history with the feeling of fear and why I love it so much now as a 16 year old.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a nightmare (knock on wood) and I’m so grateful for that. Nightmares are literally the worst thing imaginable. Being at complete mercy of the horrors your brain has created until your body decides to wake you up again is a terrifying idea.

As I’ve mentioned, I loved horror as a little girl. I watched scary movies, read scary stories, watched other people play scary games because I couldn’t. It’s no surprise that I haven’t changed. Horror is my favorite genre in everything. Movies, shows, books, Tik Toks, …Pinterest??? Yeah, I have a horror board on Pinterest and then I get upset when I’m jump scared on my feed when I’m looking for craft projects at 2 AM – nothing new.

One thing that is still also present in 16 year old me now, is the fact that I don’t like to be alone. Typing this out now has made me realize that I have not changed much from the scared, sad little girl I used to be. I still love scary things and I’m still afraid of being alone. I’ve just gotten a little bit taller. And hopefully a little bit prettier and skinnier.

I still like horror, but I like to have someone there with me. I don’t like to enjoy horror content by myself so I would rather have someone tell me the story along with their input and opinions and how they enjoyed it. Some people might think that’s silly or lazy, even. I’ll admit, it’s not something I’m proud of but it’s true and that’s okay. This blog was meant to talk about how I had a void in my enjoyment of horror. Most things I was interested in as a kid never really connected to me specifically. I couldn’t find anything that really resonated with me and I think that’s what makes an amazing story. Obviously, it resonated with other people – just not me and that’s perfectly fine.

A few years after I decided I wanted to be an author in the 6th grade, I wondered about what I wanted to write. I knew I could write whatever genre felt right for the story, but that just didn’t feel right. I wanted something I would be known for. I wanted something I knew I would enjoy, and something other people would enjoy. I thought about my childhood and how much I loved horror, but I felt like there was a void in what I really found joy in. I remember reading this series in the 4th grade called “You’re Invited to a Creepover” but I just remembered it as “Creepover.” It was basically scary stories about/for young girls. I loved that series. I felt like I could relate to it, I found joy in the stories and they were also really scary to me.

That’s exactly what I wanted to make as an author. Horror stories for weird teenage girls. Horror stories that will embrace femininity and make real people, real young girls, feel like they’ve been heard. I want teenage girls to find something that they enjoy rather than just having to deal with creative media created by boys for boys. Of course, horror should be for everyone. But growing up, I never had an outlet that represents my femininity and love for scary things and that’s what I want to be for teenage girls. I want to grow into a creative idol that younger me would adore.

The Show that Goes Wrong

In my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I did theatre. My old school had a Dramatic criticism class where we acted and memorized speeches for a grade. I loved it. At first, I was skeptical about public speaking and memorizing speeches or essays that went as long as 5 pages, then saying it out loud. It sounded like it was too much. But really, some of my best lessons were in my drama class. I learned how to deal with showtime anxiety, how to analyze essays/plays/speeches to deliver lines with emotion, and I learned more about my individual memorization process. It was nice. We studied plays like Hamilton, New summer jersey and Romeo & Juliet. But my favorite play was called The Show that Goes Wrong. My drama teacher introduced it to us near the end of the semester, when we weren’t doing anything related to theatre and I still watch it sometimes.

The Show that Goes Wrong is a show that has purposeful tech problems and line complications. It includes any thinkable mistakes that can happen in a show. The main protagonists, an expecting couple, are taken on a house tour without knowing the house is haunted with ghosts. As the husband and wife notice that something strange is going on, the wife’s belly pops to reveal a red balloon. The actors all share an abrupt pause before they continue, which is my fav part. Another one of my favorite scenes is when the angry ghost comes through a hidden door to pay the couple a visit. The ghost is on a stair lift that transports it up and down the stairs because ghosts can’t walk. After the ghost scares the couple, it encounters a visible malfunction with the stair lift and literally stands up to push the stairlift up the stairs. Meanwhile, the whole cast must visibly ignore the scene and continue to the next part of the play.

What I think makes this play more entertaining and memorable than any other is the look on the actor’s face when something goes wrong. I know they probably rehearse it along with the other mistakes, but the effort of conveying shock/struggle is so funny. And it feels real in this show. If I didn’t have any background about the play, then I would’ve believed the mistakes were real. And it teaches us to embrace our mistakes and find humor in them. Theatre is kind of brutal when you approach it with such a frigid mentality.

Anyways, this is my favorite show and I’m so glad I remembered to blog about it.

Breaking Bad

This is a show I started watching around January or February of this year. I had heard about it so many times on the internet and because of being such an iconic show. I knew slightly what it was about. Old guy cooks meth with some younger guy and lives a double life. Thats about all I knew before watching it. It wasn’t until I started watching it that I found out that it’s so much more than that.

It starts off introducing the main character and his life. He lives a normal life with his family. But, due to a shortage on money, he takes up the mantle of the best meth cook past the border of Mexico. He does this job with an old student of his that went down a very bad path in life. The show if full of suspense and thrilling missions and always kept me on the edge of the seat. It was really fast paced for the first two seasons. I was hooked to the show. I could not stop watching because I had to know what was going to happen next. It seemed really realistic and well written.

Near the end of season three, the show does slow down a lot and takes a little bit to pick up again. This is the moment where I find that many people lose interest in the show and abandon it for a while. That is something that I did too. Eventually, I went back to the show to finish it. I didn’t have much left, so I finished it up pretty fast. I am so glad I made that decision, because now I can call that show one of my favorite shows of all time.

The last two seasons do pick up the pace again and really help you see how twisted the characters have become and how much better some have become since the beginning of the show. The ending was really unique, sad, and amazing all at the same time. I felt like that was a very appropriate ending to the show. Some may be upset by it, but I feel as if it really made sense for how the story went.

I really enjoyed watching this and I definitely will be getting into the spin-off shows shortly. I recommend this show to anybody who hasn’t watched it yet. It may seem like a basic recommendation, but there is a reason people always recommend it.

Halloween from a Cosplayer’s Perspective

Halloween is the one night a year a cosplayer can cosplay in public and not be stared at, laughed at, or generally ridiculed. Cosplay has definitely become more mainstream over the last few years, but as someone who’s been in cosplay communities since the early 2010s, it has not alway been this peachy. There has always been confusion in where the line is drawn between cosplay and simply dressing up, but I’m here to explain it (at least from my own opinion and experiences).

I’ve seen a lot of people using the term “cosplay” to refer to basically any form of acting like or dressing up as something. For instance, when Carhartt clothes grew popular amongst more wealthy people, many used the phrase “cosplaying blue collar” to describe their style. Another example is when “underconsumption core” became a popular idea on Tik Tok, many wealthy creators were called out for “cosplaying poverty” because they were taking many things that lower class families have to do to get by and reframing them as aesthetic.

I hate that cosplay is being thrown around like this. First of all, it’s not the correct use of the word. I suggest using “roleplaying as ___” or simply “pretending to be ___”. Secondly, the term cosplay was created with the Japanese word “kosupure” in mind, which means “costume play” in English. Kosupure refers to a specific performance art of dressing up as characters from media. It’s not “costume play” if someone isn’t dressing as a character… I could go on this rant forever. Stop using “cosplay” when you mean something entirely different.

Rant over, let’s talk about Halloween. So what’s the difference between cosplay and dressing up on halloween? Ultimately, not much. In my opinion, the key difference is the motivation for dressing up. Cosplay is tied to 80s-90s nerd/geek culture and began as a form of self expression and a way to show one’s dedication to a character/piece of media. For many years, cosplayers crafted their own cosplays and props and many still do today. You can still be a cosplayer if you don’t make your entire piece on your own, but cosplay’s origins almost always portray cosplay as just as much of a craft as it is a hobby. On Halloween, you might build your entire costume and dress up as that specific character because you love them dearly, but this is when you need to ask yourself an important question: Would you be doing this if it wasn’t Halloween? If the answer is no, I believe that is the key factor separating cosplay and Halloween costumes. If the answer is yes, then you should! You don’t have to post about it or anything, just have fun as your favorite character. I hope to see you at the next local cosplay convention.

Disconnection: A Journal Entry

So. We’re here. I broke my phone. It was bound to happen. Made out of simple glass, plastic, and lots of computer parts, it wasn’t the strongest thing on earth. I’m reasonably upset about it, I feel. It’s a big part of my life. It’s how I connect with the world, my friends, how I speak to my family, and how I keep myself in check. I use it for reminders, alarms, emails and the like. It’s an incredibly important part of my daily life. I use alarms to wake up and to keep track of time. I use my calendar to plan for things and to make sure I don’t have anything going on when I’m trying to schedule things. Music is an insanely big part of my life, so that’s another thing that I use my phone for. I text and call my parents and family with it. I scroll through social media, which admittedly, isn’t the best use of my time. I jot down notes in it, which now really sucks because I had a lot of writing ideas in my notes that I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to get back. I’m sure this is how it felt when the Library of Alexandria burned down but on a much larger and more dramatic scale. I wonder why I’m so attached to my phone and then I realize, it’s my everything. My parents had the luxury of growing up without all these devices but I’m sure they had something similar. I’m sure their parents thought they had something they were unreasonably attached to. It’s interesting to see how many people tell me, “You have an opportunity to disconnect, now!” I don’t enjoy disconnecting. It highlights how easily bored I get, and how much I don’t like people. It’s also a little difficult to watch everyone be on their phones and not be looking around, even though I know the minute I get a replacement phone, I’ll be exactly the same.

I’m not good at journal entries, so I took to this as more of a conversation, or just me rambling and talking at someone.

-Jude

Elden Ring limgrave Castel Enemies

Hello, I will be talking about the Elden ring enemies in base game for fun.

Godrick Soldier

the first enemy that You the player actually have a chance against at a low level. they drop about 70 runes give or take the rate in which they drop their weapons are about 78%. They are found in Limgrave by the church of Elleh and can be found pretty much everywhere. they are one of the people that suffered with the curse of undying and they serve under the tyrant Godrick the Grafted.

260 – 273 runes a sort of mini-boss to the godrick soldiers called the Godrick knight. this enemy uses a spear along with a shield for levels 1-40 i would suggest fighting him last as he can withstand some attacks that should know most enemies down.

The war hawk. 56 – 1039 runes this bird for brains is an annoying opponent at first but you don’t have to fight them you have2 options. 1. run past them and meet the sorcerer. 2. run and jump on the roof next to them and shortcut through the enemies. If you plan on fighting them, I recommend waiting for them to drop the barrel making sure you don’t get hit by it, then jump attacking them knocking them it the sky then barraging them with attacks. All in all, they aren’t very strong just very annoying but if you kill them enough time you can get the war hawk sword which is good for early to mid-game.

these enemies are called the exile soldiers they are the soldiers stationed in the limgrave castle really the last line of defense for Godrick. they operate ballista’s and have fire arrows so be careful when going long range. there is one enemy that use 2 weapons if you are 1-40 it will most likely kill you so try to run past him. when you get to the back of the castle there will be a massive amount of them, but they are pretty easy.

Ladies and gentlemen i present to you the omen he drops 451 – 2520 runes and 2 weapons that are so hard to get it has a 4.0 chance of dropping. these two weapons are called Omen clever and warped axe. when you spot him, he will be sitting down with his dog but if you approach him, he will turn hostile the best thing for you to do is go into the room behind him and get a grace so you can save your spot. He is the last defense of Stormville castle I wish you luck on Godrick the grafted.

Check out my other post to know more about Elden ring lore

the next on will be about Godrick the grafted

Facility Experiences

For those who know what the term “Inpatient” means I today will be discussing my experiences while in facilities. For those who do not know what inpatient means it is when someone goes into a facility to hold them due to their mental health. I was one of those individuals and today I am going to speak on my experiences as inpatient facilities and how they are run are often overlooked.

The first time I was admitted to a facility I couldn’t have been older than eleven. I remember being terrified as I was worried what the room, I was put in would be like, how the staff would treat me, and most importantly how the other patients would act. I failed to realize that I would end up being one of the most out of it patients there and wouldn’t have much to fear. The facility I stayed at is part of UMMC and it is known as 3 Circle and is only for adolescents twelve and under. There I had a small room with hospital grade sheets and one pillow which felt similar to concrete. I honestly got no help there other than the different medicines they tried on me. I also was introduced to psychiatrists there and doctors who made me realize in the medical world some people view others as only a test rat and a statistic. At a very young age I was told I would never be able to hold down a job, have a family, or ever be successful. As many can see that is not true as I am now at an art school writing for the world to see. This however would not be my last encounter with doctors and psychiatrists like this and it would be far from my last time being hospitalized and having to stay in facilities.

My second stay in a facility was when I was around twelve to thirteen it’s hard to remember exact dates and ages from that part of my life. I was admitted to UMMC first due to some of my symptoms that had started to manifest at a rate quicker than which my medicine could keep up with. I was told then that I had aged out of three circle and now would need to go inpatient somewhere else. I then was admitted to the place that I would go on to visit two more times. Also known as Brentwood. My first stay there was when I truly had my eyes opened to others struggles and when I also learned how bad my condition truly was. I was put on a concoction of different medications which only dug my grave deeper. All the while though I learned the stories of other patients. I learned that CPS is a cruel and twisted system I learned social workers could make or break a child’s life. I learned the world is not white and black and there are many individuals who no matter how hard they try the world is just not on their side. I stayed in Brentwood for fourteen days and my psychiatrist tried to send me to a long-term facility and told me daily that my illness wasn’t real and that I was simply faking. I then learned how powerful mania is and that you should not tell a drugged up thirteen-year-old girl she is faking symptoms. That led me to get my first “dog shot” and be put in a solitary room with only a small window to provide light. I learned that day what true dehumanization was.

My second stay was at most two months later. I had overdosed and was a threat to myself and others. By now I was severely overweight due to the medications I was on and running off of adrenaline and mania all the time. I had no been inpatient for even a week when I decided to pull the fire alarm in order to unlock all of the facility’s doors. Fun fact there is a huge wooden fence which surrounds Brentwood. So, I truly did not get far before I was manhandled back inside and given a shot to “mellow me out” and also thrown into the solitary room once again to prevent me from further escapes.

My third time in Brentwood was the first time I can truly say I got better. I was put with a different psychiatrist and luckily, he was one who listened. He put me on different medications that truly helped and kept a close eye on any side effects they had on me. Of course, like many inpatient psychiatrists he was not the nicest but all that mattered is that he got me on the right track. My most recent stay though I was subject to the most harassment I had ever delt with. Though harassment is sadly common in most inpatient facilities. But I have worked past it and accepted it is something that I can use to make myself stronger. Through all of this I have learned and recommend that absolutely no one unless in dire condition should go inpatient. Always try extensive therapy or outside psychiatrist because nine times out of ten if you land inpatient the only way they will help you is with medication. So, stay safe y’all!

Halloween?

This year, Halloween is very different for me. Usually on this spooky holiday, I am surrounded by loved ones. We typically decorate cookies and gather around to watch horror movies. My favorite part is taking my younger brothers (4 & 7) Trick or Treating, all dressed in our costumes. Unfortunately this year, my family is spread apart. My older brother is 45 minutes away from my younger brothers and I am 2 hours and 52 minutes away from all of them. Instead of being upset about the distance, I’d rather reminisce on the times we were together for this holiday.

When I was younger, I remember always wanting to match my older brother. Whether it was in first grade with the neon Nike shoes or our Halloween costumes, I always wanted to be like him. I eventually grew out of that because now I’m his biggest hater, yet his biggest supporter. We would have our costumes correlate so they weren’t exactly alike. One year we were both vampires, but we used different makeup and cloaks so we weren’t identical. Another year, we were Woody and Jessie from Toy Story. I remember wanting to be Woody, but that did not work in my favor. In the picture, I look a tad demonic. I was young and I had just thrown my purple glow stick, so cut young me some slack. I’ve noticed that matching is a common aspect among siblings who are close in age just by watching my younger brothers grow up. They do it as well when it comes to clothes and costumes.

During Halloween time, we would bake cookies and decorate them. My mom had a collection of cookie cutters for all holidays. She also had a recipe for edible paint that we would use to color and decorate the cookies. I remember vividly one year watching Spookley the Square Pumpkin/other seasonal children’s movies and decorating these cookies.

We had one neighborhood we would go to for Trick or Treating. It was very big and gave out tons of candy. The walking always wore me out by the end of the night but I always had fun with it. I remember getting scared by the inanimate decorations outside of people’s homes. A couple of years back, I got scared half to death by a man simply sitting in his chair handing out candy. I refused to walk up to him like a toddler (in my defense, he had terrifying makeup on that made him look like he was straight out of a horror film). Although I was 13, it was still embarrassingly frightening.

I love Halloween (spooky season) and cannot wait for October 31st. This was a new type of blogging style, getting more personal. I enjoyed it a lot more than the other kinds that I have been doing, so expect a lot more 🙂

Steph (Really) Loves Deltarune

6 years ago (exactly), Toby Fox, creator of Undertale, logged onto Twitter-dot-com and gave half of his fans a heart attack by posting strange Tweets like a total weirdo. The next day, he sent out links to a “survey program.”

Players made their own character, gave it a personality and name, and then they were told that their “creation would be discarded.” They were told that they cannot choose who they are in this world and then immediately given a new character to play as while they were being awoken by a familiar face – Toriel (Undertale’s beloved mother goat monster).

I remember all of this like it was yesterday. Except I didn’t play the survey program first hand because I watched Jacksepticeye play it. But I remember the tweets. And I remember being sad that I couldn’t play it because my only computer was struggling to even turn on. I did end up playing both chapters of Deltarune on a labor day weekend just a few years ago.

After the survey program, players take the role of a character named Kris. They have an unsurprisingly familiar look to Undertale’s antagonist, Chara, and a similar name to Undertale’s protagonist, Frisk. Players explore the house before getting in the car with Toriel and heading to school, traveling through “Hometown” and recognizing all of the familiar faces and noticing the new ones.

After a precious little hug and kiss from Toriel, Kris goes to class and has to find a partner for a project. We meet Noelle, a sweet reindeer that used to be close friends with Kris, and Berdly, a dorky and ridiculous blue bird that may or may not be one of my favorite characters. Soon enough, Susie, a tattered, purple… dinosaur? walks in. She is described as the most intimidating person in school and a bully.

Susie and Kris are paired together for their school project and are also ordered to go to the storage closet to get more chalk since the teacher, Alphy’s (another character from Undertale), can’t find her’s. Kris catches Susie eating the chalk and their life is threatened over this discovery. They make their way to the storage closet but it’s insanely dark, but the two hesitantly go in. The floor below them falls and they enter the first Dark World of Deltarune!

There, they meet Ralsei, the prince of dark that scarily resembles Kris’ brother, Asriel (another character from Undertale), and he tells Kris and Susie that they are the heroes of the prophecy and they need to restore balance amidst the Dark World and Light World by sealing “Dark Fountains.”

Dark Worlds in Deltarune are sort of these imagination lands that are based on a real location. Chapter 1’s dark world is based off of the unused classroom/storage room. There’s a location titled “Card Kingdom” that is based off of a deck of playing cards. There are multiple other locations and characters based off of items in the unused classroom like chess pieces or (my favorite) an old doll that turns into a shopkeeper in the Dark World named Seam (pronounced Shawm). In Chapter 2, the Dark World is based in a library computer room so there are plenty of references to viruses, spam emails, pop up ads, and more.

Sorry that first description part is so densely packed, the beginning of Deltarune is honestly a lot. Now imagine how 10-year-old me felt seeing all of this for the first time. I was geeking out.

I actually won’t describe the plot of Deltarune anymore in this blog, I thought it would be nice to just introduce it because it’s literally free to play. So if you liked the initial description, there’s no excuse for you to not play it now. It’s great, it’ll take over your mind, and the next installments should be coming soon! If you’re just now getting into it, you won’t have to wait as long as I have for another chapter. It’s been a lonely 3 years…

In my previous blog, I talked about how I found Undertale and how much I loved that as a kid. I can’t remember the total impact it had on me because I was so young (I’m lying, I do remember but I won’t tell you…). Since Deltarune was released when I was actually conscious, I remember it all. I was there when it was released and I’m still here waiting for Chapters 3 and 4 to come out.

My favorite character is Kris, the non-binary, mostly silent protagonist that’s the only human in Hometown. I kind of see my younger self in Kris. Back then, I was (and might still be…) a total weirdo like Kris but that’s what most people love about their character. Now that I think about it, there’s not a single character that I don’t like. Each one has their own unique qualities and personality with both good and bad traits. Even the antagonists are so easy to love because Toby Fox makes incredibly characters. Especially Queen, the antagonist in Chapter 2, she’s definitely my favorite antagonist in any game ever because she’s so funny (and other reasons I won’t spoil).

Music made by Toby Fox is literally one of a kind. There are countless tracks from both games that send me back into my favorite memories the second I hear them. Some tracks make me feel like I’m walking in the middle of an empty road in a striped sweater in the midst of autumn. Others make me feel like I’m battling monsters in an imaginary, colorful world. Last year, I had a lot of trouble falling to sleep. I was also smack dab in the middle of my most intense Deltarune hyperfixation. So, I made a playlist of the most relaxing songs from Deltarune and I listened to it every single night for about 2 months straight… I still have the playlist but I don’t want to listen to it again because it’ll feel like I’m sleeping in my room back at home again and that might make me sad. The happiest track I know is probably “School,” the most chill and catchy is “Hip Shop,” and my absolute favorite is “You Can Always Come Home.” Honestly, it’s just a different version of “Home” from Undertale but that’s what makes it so special to me. Like it still gives me those memories and the nostalgic feeling I get when I listen to Undertale music but with the association of Deltarune.

When I was writing this, I got so overwhelmed with my emotions that I just went “Oh man, I love Deltarune.” Also, there’s a strange amount of references in my life that relate to the word “Delta.” My dog that I love with my entire heart and more is named Delta (and we didn’t name her we rescued her), I live in the Mississippi Delta (I think), and my favorite game is Deltarune. I wonder what that means, if anything.

Tomorrow (October 31) is the 6th year anniversary of the initial release of Chapter 1 and that is quite strange to think about. So happy birthday to Deltarune!

Memory

When I’m sitting in a space for a long time, I think of all the things I’ve ever done in life. For example, I’ve rode a pogo stick and I once climbed a very high tree. When I was 12, I went on a diet where I only ate strawberry yogurt. I used to push safety pins beneath the very thin layer of my hand. The dead skin layer, that did not make my hand bleed. These memories aren’t big accomplishments, but they are on the top of my head. I associate my past self with them. And they are all memories from childhood, years and years ago. It bewilders me that I can remember this stuff from long ago, but I don’t know what I did this past year or last week. Sometimes I think it’s because I am not interesting enough. I don’t do all those weird things that kids do anymore, I’m not that excited about life. Therefore, my brain chooses not to remember me.

I had a conversation this weekend with my friend, and it completely changed my view on this. We were talking about things, people, cars, air conditioning. Stuff you talk about with people you know. And they randomly told me they once lived on a farm with cows, horses and all kinds of herd. They gave very detailed descriptions of this memory, and I was dumbfounded. It seemed like they had lived this kind of life every day. Even if they did not, they have at least thought of the memory every day. But once the story was over, they looked as dumbfounded as I did. They asked me afterward, “do you ever have those moments of life that you simply do not remember until you sit down and start saying them out loud?” Firstly, I thought it was impressive that they had discovered this story from deep within their mind. It was amazing.

But when I thought about it a little longer, I started to understand what they were talking about. If this memory had suddenly sprang up on them, then maybe my problem was the opposite of that. I think most of the time we know about ourselves through our conscious minds, but our subconscious minds can play a huge role in it as well. Some memories are easier to pull up. Other memories are stored for later until something springs them up. In this case, it was the act of conversation. But it can be more things like a certain activity, maybe golfing.

I thought this was interesting to think about because I feel like I am not recording anything I do these days. The days just fly by, and it seems like I am taking them for granted. But what if I do remember them? I just can’t access them in the way I access memories that have more time behind them.