I don’t really like writing. It takes forever to come up with an idea, and when I do come up with something I have no clue how to execute it without sounding like a 12 year olds first post after discovering tumblr. I don’t understand poetry and I hate flash fictions, if I write something while I’m sad or angry I feel like I just sound edgy. My loves always lied with performance arts, but I HATE performing. I get shaky and nervous and my voice cracks or goes ridiculously high out my usual range and its humiliating. I do draw but I never show others, especially now that I’m at a school where every other person is a visual arts student.
Now, you may be wondering, (motioning your words as a sock puppet) “why are you at an arts school if you hate all the forms of art and why are you a literary student if you don’t like to write” well that is a great question! I don’t know. I know I can write, that’s how I got in in the first place, but I’ve been stuck on what I’m gonna do when I inevitably realize I’m not cut out for this, I mean the last serious piece I wrote before my portfolio was when I was 14. I considered switching disciplines, maybe I’d be better in theatre, but then comes back the point of my performance anxiety, so I was feeling stuck for a few days when that hit me.
Its been on my mind since I got here but I think I finally figured out my issue. Its not that I hate writing or I’m scared of performing, Its that I’m immediately setting certain expectations for myself for stuff that I have barely any experience in and I’m being my own critic and I’m biased against myself. I know some of my ideas for stories aren’t that bad, my acting could use some work but thats normal, because I’ve never been an actor before, but when I’m looking at it from an outside lens and comparing it to established writers or actors relatively it looks.. Pretty bad in all honesty. But thats okay!!!!
Its taken myself and embarrassing amount of time to realize I’m judging myself harsher and quicker before anyone else could, and I think a lot of people do that and don’t realize. You’re not gonna be the best at something (unless your me because I’m the best at everything) but you should still be proud of the work you do put effort into. For example, this blog post!! I’ve had no clue what I was gonna write, because I thought all the ideas I had were kinda meaningless or stupid. Thats actually how I’ve been thinking of most of my literary assignments (pls don’t do this I’m gonna end up in procrastination purgatory soon) but now that I actually sat down and wrote it, I like this a lot. So to whoever’s reading this, do whatever you’ve been putting off because you have no ideas for it !!! you will regret it if you don’t take it from me.
You’re so real for this. Imposter syndrome is no joke, and I liked how you touched on that topic while kinda having an epiphany and giving yourself the grace you deserve.
I can sympathize with you. I haven’t written anything seriously since the 4th grade, but then I had to do my portfolio (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) Everything that you’ve created should be thought about since time and effort were put into it ✧｡٩(ˊᗜˋ)و✧*｡ We all got this trust
I deeply appreciate your honesty and can relate to a lot of what you wrote.