Author: Leo

Hello guys!!! I wanna talk about music again!!!

Recently, I’ve been really into trying to learn music theory. I’ve been at it for around a month, and let me tell you its SO FRUSTRATING. For instruments I’m stuck with the piano, mainly because that’s all I really… have… so, obviously, I start with learning how to actually read sheet music. My dad’s side of the family was always big into music, so I could at least already understand tempo, half notes quarter notes allat, the keys on the piano and how they looped, so at least a BASIC understanding to this. I even used to know how to play some basic things when I was a little kid!!

So I go into it thinking hmm.. I already have basic understanding of this, this should be pretty right? WRONG!!!! Surprise!! Theres ONE MILLION DIFFERENT CHORDS TO LEARN and YOU WILL NEVER FIGURE THEM OUT!!!!

I’m being dramatic, but seriously, it is NOT easy. A big struggle is reading the keys on the sheet music. Why are bass and treble clef on two entirely different scales that makes absolutely NO sense. It’s a little discouraging when it takes me like an hour to decode ONE sheet just to find out I was reading the notes wrong and THAT’S why it sounds wrong.

I play insanely slow since I don’t have the hands of the FLASH and playing isn’t something I can just master by learning it, and I think that might be the most frustrating part. Almost anything else I enjoy doing I can just learn and adapt to get better. Like with drawing or writing, if I want to improve my style I can study anatomy or I can study other peoples works, gain inspiration from other people and turn it into something of my own; but with music it isn’t that easy, and it makes me mad.

Maybe its because I’ve been drawing and writing my whole life so I have a stable grip on it, and it FEELS like I’ve been involved with music most of my life in the same way, but its never come to me as easy. I can’t just see someone do something and be able to mimic it like a chameleon, I can try to but it’d be more like the backrooms trying to remake something from memory. It doesn’t understand in the same way humans can copy things from memory, something we’re made to do.

But this isn’t to say I CANT figure it out. really, I like the challenge, even if I am easily discouraged. I get frustrated and walk away but I’ve consistently found my way back after a few minutes trying to convince myself that just one more hour wouldn’t hurt. I can be proud of myself when I accomplish something I’ve been working towards rather than just knowing when I’m capable of it. Maybe I’m trying to subconsciously trying to prove something to myself, or maybe I’m just coping with the fact I suck at playing the piano, either way I’m happy it keeps me motivated.

This was relatively shorter than usual but if you have like ANYTHING you’re working towards trust, your doing just fine!!!! Whatever it is I believe you can achieve it and that more than likely means absolutely nothing to you so if my encouragement doesn’t help, at least try to have faith in yourself

Honestly this was kinda rushed I’ve been so worried about other stuff I completely forgot to write this, hopefully I don’t do that next quarter 🙁 anyways, good luck on your exams, try not to stress out TOO much, and have a good day!!! bye bye!!!

Hello guys!!!! Your gonna hear about my favorite music artist ever ever I literally just wrote about her in my personal essay STOMACH BOOK AHHH I LOVE STOMACH BOOK!!!!!

I had to be at least kinda professional in the essay but I don’t have to be professional here oh my god you don’t get how much I love her music. Every album is SO GOOD I DON’T CARE and I will be honest I don’t like EVERY song. Cough fukuona girl remix. Cough. But please I love every album I’m gonna tell you what I think of them going from least fav album to fav including the singles and I’m also ranking each song. I’m gonna preface this with I relistened to every album and single for this as well as debated these rankings with a friend so this IS biased and not objective what so ever.

First off, her first and self titled album: STOMACH BOOK.

I will say its not my least favorite because its BAD it just doesn’t have that many songs that I’d consider like top 5, MAYBE top 10. But they’re still good.

For ranking 1 being the best the last number being the worst, if I have a reason for it being at that ranking I’ll specify that

1. All you can hope for now are the scars to show for it!!! – honestly I never really liked this one for a while I don’t know why, its SO good. I love the instrumental and the lyrics specifically the line “forgive, don’t forget” idk it sounds so nice to me. Also since I’ve watched the documentary of their most recent tour it has it a place in my heart forever. I know I said this is my least favorite album but this is currently my favorite song.
2. Animals – this used to be my favorite song out of all of them, I’ve outgrown it since but it still holds a special place in my heart
3. Folie à Deux – same with animals, was one of my favorites and I still like it, its just sentimental to me
4. We all fall down
5. Requiem
6. Devils
7. Our story – this and past isn’t bad but they all do this thing where they have really screechy parts and it HURTS when I have my headphones on which is 90% of the time so points deducted
8. Lullaby for an angels egg pt 2
9. Greetings from oblivion! We hope to see you soon!
10. Lullaby for an angels egg pt 1

next in line: GOODNIGHT HYPNOPOMP

I love this whole album. Its her most recent one and I’ve listened to it an unhealthy amount of times since then, though it came out like a year ago. This was the main album that got me into stomach book, specifically the first song.

1. BAMBI – you don’t understand how much I LOVE this song. Ive been listening to it since the single came out and the album version was so much better. Its SO good. Zombae is also on it and it got me listening to more of her music too. Pls listen to Bambi.
2. Nothing Special – objectively one of their best songs to me.
3. My Diorama – ties with nothing special
4. FUKOUNA GIRL – you’ve heard this. Its so overplayed but it got popular for a REASON.
5. SICK SICK SICK – honestly someone I HATE used to love this song so I hated it for a while but I don’t talk to them anymore and its so good I love it. The chorus is probably my fav
6. Let You Down – tbh if you listen to it idk if you’ll like it. Its 9 minutes long and very repetitive and a lot of it is just instrumentals but u just don’t GET it…
7. Paper Dolls
8. Running away – im just not as attached to this and lower
9. But Not for me
10. Its Magic!

Last but certainly not least, for albums at least: SOPHMORE SLUMP CALLITHUMP

Ironically I listened to this a lot during sophomore year, but anyway oh my god I cant describe how good it still is. Id say it isn’t as good as goodnight hypnopomp but also I have so much personal bias to it I just. Can’t do it.

1. DEVIL NOBODY – I cannot express to you how much I love this. Objectively not the best but personally Its been top 3 since it first grazed my ears. And to be honest I’m biased to songs with zombae on them.
2. Tragedy – its more recently become a favorite of mine, but aghgh idk I love it im so bad at describing what I like but specifically with this its instrumentals. And totally not because I associate it with one of my bestest friends ever ahhaa totally not that guys.
3. Break Up
4. anarchy!!!!
5. Heartbeat
6. Playing pretend
7. Casket Kids – I like casket kids but objectively not as good as the others and I just can’t let it be higher than 5
8. December 10^th 2021, 11:57pm – ouugh gotta save this one.
9. Are You Waiting?
10. METANOIA – I will say metanoia isn’t BAD but I have no personal bias to this specifically and its just not on the same level as how good everything else is.

For singles there aren’t too many, majority just songs she was featured on with other artists or made in collaboration

1. 123 (the longest dream) – this might be top 5 overall honestly.
2. Cavity – idk how I overlooked cavity for so long its so good I love the instrumental
3. anarchy!!! (single version) – all that’s different is the audio mixing but I LOVE it maybe better than the album version
4. Circus bent
5. BAMBI (single version) – its missing like an entire verse
6. CASKET KIDS (single version) – same with anarchy, all that’s different is the audio mixing
7. Any other single that was featured on an album later – they all sound the same as the album version to me honestly.
8. Good luck gray
9. One, Two, Death
10. Go home
11. Killing stalking – astrid made this and I just don’t like astrids music
12. I Spat Blood at God! – I don’t care for it and any of them past this
13. Well This Sucks
14. CIRCUS
15. Fukouna girl (remix) – this is just. Horrible. You could not pay me less than 100$ to keep this on a playlist, genuinely the only stomach book song I cant STAND

 That’s all for rankings !!! If I do this again I might do it with zombAe, femtanyl, brn1ng brain sound industries, (un)familiar, or jibral which was just stomach books name before stomach book . They all have significantly shorter discographies but they aren’t TOO much different. Or maybe one of the other one million artists I like. Also to end this off don’t listen to ANY of this if u don’t like loud or experimental or probably objectively bad music. I promise my music taste isn’t trash this is just the more questionable side

That is everything!!!! I have a headache from how much music I’ve listened to and from how long I’ve been staring at this screen, and its also currently 2 in the morning.  Im going to sleep, goodbye from 2am Saturday Leo and hello to Thursday literay’s!!!! (that is if I don’t edit and remove this part)

Hello guys…. Honestly this blog is just gonna be how I’ve felt since moving to this school. Also, I wanna preface all of this with I LOVE my life and I love this school and all the opportunities I have but like also its kinda expected for me to be stressed out!!! And I want to vent some of that out!!!! And I’m sure at least some of you can relate to it

There is literally ALWAYS something to do. Everywhere. Theres always an assignment I could (should) be writing and if I’ve already written it I could be improving or revising before I submit it. Theres like 3 things to turn in while I’m writing this!!! Did I make my first blog about procrastination… maybe. Have I also not started my homework due by the end of the day…. also maybe. (editing rn I did finish that homework like an hour after writing this).

Even when I think I’ve finished my school work there’s something else to do. Miraculously my rooms always a mess and I NEVER have time to clean it other than cleaning night (yes I do I’m just lazy). Theres somehow always laundry to do no matter how recently I thought I did it, and I just love doing it so much I love it. Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice.

Yes I am being a little dramatic but I’m STRESSED, but in all honesty it isn’t as bad as I make it out to be. I enjoy the routine being here’s given me even if I do get a little burnt out by it. I know it isn’t the same as an actual college students life, but I think I am being prepared for it (I hope at least if its even worse I might not survive omgs.). I LOVE being kept busy, distraction helps SO much with being anxious or any other mental issues, so that’s helped me overall.

Having a somewhat flexible schedule is REALLY nice for me because I am so insanely unproductive without a schedule like its not even funny,, but also really strict schedules completely burn me out. Ik I’m just expanding on what I said about routines but I LOVE routines. Systems and organization are big things I need in my life.

Anyway to focus less ono the actual aspects of living my life, I’ve also been so much more hopeful for my future here!!!! I have actual friends here and they actually LIKE me (I hope so at least), and we hang out and stuff and I actually TALK to them. I kinda sound like a loser here but you gotta understand I’ve never really been good at making friends guys so it’s a weird thing for me when they’re not terrible and evil.

Also I find I’ve been handling the work load better than I thought I would. Yes, it’s a lot, but I also though itd be so so much worse. And it finally clicked in my head that like.. this is a really good school!!! And colleges will recognize that!!! And I have a shot at a good college instead of having to settle for a community college!!! That’s something I’ve always been anxious about in my future so its nice that some of my worries are padded

That’s all for this week… I hope you can relate in SOME way and this isn’t just me yapping about myself for no reason, and I hope you have a good day!!!

                                         ˚₊‧✩*☆˚‧˚ᡣ𐭩︵‿༻☆༺‿︵ᡣ𐭩˚‧˚☆*✩‧₊˚

Why do people seem to wallow in sadness?

I’m going to make an educated guess and say your at least familiar with depression if you haven’t experienced it yourself, and you may or may not be aware of how miserable it is. So.. why would they stay like that if its so miserable!!! I hear you asking audience, and I am here to answer!!!

I’m not going to say off PERSONAL experience for plausible deniability (this is a joke I may or may not  remove we’ll see), but I will say I’ve been close and personal with it. Based off friends, family, partners, I’d say I have a pretty good grasp on what the experience is like, at least from an outside perspective, as well as an unreasonable amount of research poured into it. What can I say, I love researching about mental and neurological disorders!!

From what I can deduce, a lot of it seems to be rooted in conformation bias, misconceptions about getting better, chemical imbalances, environmental factors, and situational factors. A lot I know, but stay with me pls I’ll explain.

Conformation bias and misconceptions about getting better go hand in hand, at least in this case. Something you’ve more than likely heard about healing (at least with conditions that can experience remission in symptoms) is “progress isn’t linear” and I will say that is true!!! But it never seems to do what its meant to. The idea of healing seems like a big (and potentially unattainable) goal, so why would someone even try if they won’t be there in foreseeable future? A big thing with depression is hopelessness, helplessness, and a lack faith in self, so if someone even tries to get better and falls back, it confirms what they more than likely already believe, that they can’t get better. (confirming their bias against themselves)

Chemical imbalances is something most people are aware of. A big cause is the shaping of the brain, which is kinda hard to fix!!! A big root for it is neurological disorders effecting the shape of the brain. Traumatic brain injuries, strokes, Parkinson’s disorder, Huntington’s disease, epilepsy, Alzheimer’s, and  many, more change the shape of the brain entirely, completely altering how serotonin and dopamine receptors do their job.

Environmental and situational factors go hand in hand, which is just essentially saying I can’t really answer my original question for every situation (I’m so good at this I know thank you), because there’s a million different person to person cases of depression!!!

Anndd that’s all for this week!!! I should probably add if your struggling with depression or just ANY mental disorders plspls reach out to like ANYONE. It helps sm sm take it from me (take that as you will). I’m not even gonna try to predict what I’ll write next week, I’ve been wrong like 3 weeks in a row. Love you guys, have an amazing day !!! =u=

POKEMON!!!! I LOOVE Pokémon. Its been an interest I’ve had since i was 6 or 7, I remember  when I first got this stack of the trading cards, and I fell in LOVE. This was right around 2017-2018 so the sun and moon games had recently come out along with the show for it, which coincidentally are now my favorite games and region now.

Theres definitely better games with better graphics (but I really hope there’s a sun and moon remaster at some point that wasn’t as butt as brilliant diamond and shining pearl were I would buy a switch just for that) but there’s just something SPECIAL about it to me. Probably just nostalgia. But I still stand by it being my favorite region. One of the best parts of Pokémon to me at least is the world building and I really love how they use it with the Alola region

Theres these things called regional variants, which its in the name its variants of  Pokémon based on region, and Alola specifically have SO many I love specifically. Marowack, Ninetails, and Sandslash are probably my favorite Alolan forms but they’re all amazing (ignoring meowth and pursian).

Not even just the forms my favorite Pokémon are mainly gen 7. Rockruff, Lycanrock, Oricorio, Turinator, the entire litten line, xurkitree, wishiwashi, THEY WERE COOKING HAPPINESS IN A KETTLE!!!! I cannot emphasize how much I love these. THE LEGENDARIES TOO !! AND MYTHICS!!! Solgaleo will always be my top 5 legendries and all the tapu Pokémon. This will always be my idea of peak Pokémon it does not get better than this oh my god, I cant get the idea through well enough just typing.

This is a relatively short blog this week but I just really needed to write about pokemon and if I went into the depths of it this would be longer than my last blog. NOT good. But anyways, love you guys have an amazing day blabla I might write about stomach book next week I’m starting to get super into that. Bye bye!!

this is a big divert from my last post so think of it as a very emotion driven game review. I’ve been ranting about this for MONTHS and I need to get it out formally.

Forsaken!!! Used to be one of my favorite games before it all went wrong. This place is full of nerds and geeks (I mean this affectionately I’m a nerd too) there’s at least a 50% chance you’ve heard of the game, but on the case you haven’t let me summarize. Forsaken is a Roblox asym “horror” (not really) game that reached its peak around 2025 in both popularity and gameplay only for that to get ruined, but we’ll get into that soon. The game worked in a similar fashion to Dead by Daylight, 1 killer and a team of 3-10 survivors, the objective of the killer being to eliminate all survivors and the objective of the survivors being to survive. Each round lasted approximately 5 minutes, the timer gaining more time when a survivor was eliminated, so the time could go longer than 5 minutes. Generators are placed in various places around the many maps, quick puzzles and once completed reduce the timer. Both survivors and killers each have their own unique kits (some more than others but we’ll get into that later) as well as cosmetic skins. The three categories of survivors are survivalists, sentinels, and supports; survivalists, as the name implies, survive on their own and are generally self sufficient, sentinels disable the killer and protect other survivors, and supports, once again as the name suggest, support other survivors, either with healing or damage protection.

With that rundown you should have a general idea of the game, and now I need to tell you how the game got RUINED!!!! I started playing around February (January? Idk I have a weak memory) of 2025, when it was getting extremely popular, which at the time was a good thing. It had an.. excentric.. fanbase to say the least(which we wont get into), but the game was getting a lot of support, and the developer team was working pretty well!!! There were small issues of devs focusing on cosmetic aspects rather than gameplay, but this didn’t cause too much of an issue.

To understand how it went downhill, you need to understand the core characters in it. The game was in a way an ode to past Roblox culture, being one of the founding fathers of the term “retro slop”, but ignoring that it did a good job at depicting older aspects of the game. If you didn’t grow up on the game you wouldn’t exactly understand the significance of the characters, but I’ll try my best to get the message across. To avoid making this excuse to infodump even longer, I’ll summarize (note from editing Leo this was not a summary omg.)  the characters and their significance, starting with some of the most well known, sentinels.

John Shedletsky, one of the founding moderators of Roblox, and likely the reason the epic face gained as much popularity as it did in the late 2000s to early 2010s. His kit consisted of a sword that he could slash the killers with, stunning then for approximately 5 seconds, and 2 pieces of chicken that heal him for 40HP, most survivor have a baseline of 100HP.

Guest1337, or the last guest, the main character of a movie on YouTube “the last guest”. The movie pays tribute to the fact Roblox stopped the guest feature, a placeholder account for those who wanted to test the game before making an account for themselves. It gained a lot of popularity in the community, even earning a higher quality remake almost 10 years later. Guests kit consists of a block, a punch, and a charge. When he charges into a killer he can push them away from other survivors, blocking stops a killer from hitting another survivor, and punching stuns the killer for approximately 7 seconds as well as slowing them when the stun is over. He has a baseline HP of 115.

Chance is an original character to the game, a gambler with lore connecting to multiple different characters, though diving into lore would make this take a year to finish. Their kit is based on luck, needing to flip a coin and landing heads to unlock certain parts of their move set, when tails is landed a 15 second debuff that stacks for every time tails is landed on. Apart from the coin, they have a health randomizer when used can set his health anywhere between 50HP and 150HP, a flintlock pistol that can either stun the killer long range, not go off, or backfire and hurt you, and their final move being a hat fix which resets all stacked debuffs. During the games peak this was the most complicated kit.

Twotime is between survivalists and sentinels. They’re also an original character to the game, though their character represents Robloxes respawn symbol. they can stun the killer but its hard to and for a short time, approximately 3 seconds. Their kit consists of a spawn they place down, a crouch that makes them semi-visible, and a dagger they must stab the killer with to fill up a meter, which when filled allows them to spawn back at the spawn they placed down when killed, but their max health reduces from 120 to 80.

007n7 is a well know old hacker that possessed another identity, c00lkid, who also a killer in the game. 007n7 is a survivalist that can create clones of himself, turning transparent to confuse the killer, as well the ability to teleport across the map, needing 45 seconds without being harmed to complete the teleportation.

Noob, a common ragdoll that was usually used in Roblox games as a placeholder for a real player, becoming his own character in itself. His move set contained the ability to turn invisible, a temporary speed boost, and a temporary immunity at the cost of losing a significant amount of speed.

For the support category the earliest added was Elliot, the mascot of “Work at a Pizza Place”, arguably one of the most well known games on the site. Supports have 80 HP, unlike the others, he has the ability to heal teammates, gaining the ability to use a speed boost once someone’s successfully healed.

Builderman, the mascot of Roblox itself as well as representative of David Bazuki the CEO of Roblox (we HATE David Bazuki on this blog Builderman is his own character separate from him). He could build both turrets and healing stations, turrets slowing and damaging killers and healing stations, as the name implies, heals others.

Dusekkar, representing the moderator Matt Dusek, is also a support. Also considered the most poorly balanced character and the worst to play, but that’s neither here nor there. He’s based on a wizard, his kit protecting others from damage as well as being able to zap killers to slow them down and zapping survivors to boost speed.

Last and not least lies Taph, an original character to the game based around subspace mines, something used across multiple Roblox games in the past. He uses them to disorient killers sight, as well as slowing killers with trip wires.

These are the survivors you need to be aware of for me to explain how this game got RUINED. The killers don’t need as much of an introduction but you do at least need to know who they are soo.. LIGHTING ROUND

C00lkid, as I explained earlier, is the second identity to 007n7 the hacker. 1x1x1x1 is a killer that became the subject to rumors of being a hacker, and They’re treated so in game, but in reality it was an alt account of the moderator Shedletsky. Slasher, formerly known as Jason, was a character featured in an old area 51 Roblox game that was notorious across the community. John Doe was rumored to be a dangerous hacker and spawned many rumors, though he never had any real impact. Lastly and the most recent killer (as far as I need to explain rn), Noli, was an old myth just like john doe, he had little impact but was very known.

Now that I’ve gotten all that out the way, remember how I said the game was an ode the older Roblox community? You can see how almost every character can be tied to something in the past other than 1 that being chance. Since it is its own stand alone game and there have been plenty of games that use mods and myths as their own characters (i.e. Blocktales, save Robloxia, ect) They do have their own personalized lore or backstories to them that’s unique to forsaken, but going into that would make this unbearably long since I’m already at 1.4k words so I wont touch on it to much but I will slightly cover it.

 Anyways, every character has something to do with the past, and it did a great job at portraying that. The game wasn’t mind numbingly easy and required skill, but the learning curve wasn’t impossible. Yes, there were try hards that made playing unbearable but that was occasional, and every game was like that. The moves were relatively simple, as I already explained most had 2-3 straight forward moves per kit. I will say the game did already have problems with developers but that’s to be expected with every Roblox game.

Then, comes October. A new killer and survivor had been teased for a while and was set to be released on Halloween with a fall event and several updates. Good news right? WRONG. The developer team had been falling apart since Noli was added in June, especially the balancing team. The part of the game that made the game FAIR. But no one anticipated for it to be that bad, it was the beginning of the end.

Halloween comes around, and the new characters are released, WHAT IS THIS!!!! Veeronica and Guest666 (I will refer to as vee sixer because that’s easier) are a big step in a.. different.. direction. First off they’re already straying from the simpler designs of every other killer and survivor, at least for base designs (I’m not counting skins those aren’t apart of this) and secondly WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.

Veeronica is a completely original character with NOTHING to do with ANYTHING related to the past or ANY OTHER CHARACTERS FOR THAT MATTER. At least with chance they gave them some lore to connect to other hackers, VEE IS JUST THERE. Sixer was an old myth so I cant dock him points for that, but his design is SO overcomplicated and stuck out from everyone else like a sore thumb, not even to mention their kits. Vee gets like 5 moves. WHY. Sixer was overpowered on release, you could TELL the balancing team was nonexistent. But whatever, it (very slowly) gets resolved.

Then comes November with Nosferatu, the next killer released. He has the same issue as vee, WHO IS THIS GUY. He, just like the others, was stupidly overpowered and outpaced the other survivors who were stuck with their kits from early in the games development.  

As I said earlier cosmetics were focused on more than the ACTUAL GAME. It was slowly becoming more modernized which I feel betrays the core ideals of what the game was BUILT on, and no I don’t think that games can’t switch things up, I don’t like when it changes WHAT ITS LITERALLY BASED AROUND. I stopped playing around this time, partially because it was going down hill and partially just due to changes in my life that inhibited my free time.

This is just a personal gripe but as someone who LOVED Dusekkar, I hated how neglected he was since he was unpopular, Taph as well. Not even just cosmetically, but with balancing and general gameplay updates, I know they had favorites COUGHSHEDLETSKYCOUGH ahem anyway.

Since the core player base started to dissipate, the game was mainly filled with try hards and people with an embarrassing amount of playtime that took the game way to seriously. It was horrible and I hated trying to play you guys don’t understand how I mourn the game at its peak. It was trash no matter what but it was MY trash in MY dumpster.

Anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk about why I need to touch more grass and why I care too much about nonissues. Honestly this was just an excuse to infodump about an old hyperfixation, I think I might center more of my future blogs around that. Get ready for an infodump about overwatch at some point. Bye bye love you guys! Have an amazing day or night and remember never get attached to any Roblox game it will downhill within 8 months take it from me the guy that had a fixation on Roblox hackers/mods/myths for over a year.

I don’t really like writing. It takes forever to come up with an idea, and when I do come up with something I have no clue how to execute it without sounding like a 12 year olds first post after discovering tumblr. I don’t understand poetry and I hate flash fictions, if I write something while I’m sad or angry I feel like I just sound edgy. My loves always lied with performance arts, but I HATE performing. I get shaky and nervous and my voice cracks or goes ridiculously high out my usual range and its humiliating. I do draw but I never show others, especially now that I’m at a school where every other person is a visual arts student.

Now, you may be wondering, (motioning your words as a sock puppet) “why are you at an arts school if you hate all the forms of art and why are you a literary student if you don’t like to write” well that is a great question! I don’t know. I know I can write, that’s how I got in in the first place, but I’ve been stuck on what I’m gonna do when I inevitably realize I’m not cut out for this, I mean the last serious piece I wrote before my portfolio was when I was 14. I considered switching disciplines, maybe I’d be better in theatre, but then comes back the point of my performance anxiety, so I was feeling stuck for a few days when that hit me.

Its been on my mind since I got here but I think I finally figured out my issue. Its not that I hate writing or I’m scared of performing, Its that I’m immediately setting certain expectations for myself for stuff that I have barely any experience in and I’m being my own critic and I’m biased against myself. I know some of my ideas for stories aren’t that bad, my acting could use some work but thats normal, because I’ve never been an actor before, but when I’m looking at it from an outside lens and comparing it to established writers or actors relatively it looks.. Pretty bad in all honesty. But thats okay!!!! 

Its taken myself and embarrassing amount of time to realize I’m judging myself harsher and quicker before anyone else could, and I think a lot of people do that and don’t realize. You’re not gonna be the best at something (unless your me because I’m the best at everything) but you should still be proud of the work you do put effort into. For example, this blog post!! I’ve had no clue what I was gonna write, because I thought all the ideas I had were kinda meaningless or stupid. Thats actually how I’ve been thinking of most of my literary assignments (pls don’t do this I’m gonna end up in procrastination purgatory soon) but now that I actually sat down and wrote it, I like this a lot. So to whoever’s reading this, do whatever you’ve been putting off because you have no ideas for it !!! you will regret it if you don’t take it from me.