Losing control, and gaining self control

Hey girlies, how are we doing? I’m good you know, I’m still breathing. We’re still breathing…

Let’s take a deep breath. Yes, right now. Feel everything you’re feeling right now, and feel it leave your body. Feels better doesn’t it? 🙂 Relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, take another deep breath.

Cool, now that you’re comfortable… what’s uppp, I missed y’all. Recently, I’ve been put in some tough situations. The situations that just come along with life. I’m doing good though. I’m taking everything for how they are, applying it, and continuing to move. When situations happen unexpectedly, it’s for a reason. You have to find that reason. It could be to knock you down, take you higher, it could be a million reasons, but it’s up to you to figure out what that is and why.

Through the situation life has handed me during the last couple of weeks, I was looking control in the face. Things would happen and I would be totally out of control of it. It was scary, honestly. It was a lot of things. It was infuriating. It was confusing. It was a hard slap in the face some moments.

There will be lots of things you can’t control in your life, and I had to learn that. I learned that there were going to be different types of situations that I was out of control of as well. I was put through so many, and with such a diversity, because I needed to learn how to respond to them all, to the variety. Because it will be that way my and your entire life. It’s not always going to be someone else choosing a restaurant that you hate when you wanted to go to a different one, you get what I’m saying?

Let’s break it down. When you’re out of control, the natural response is to worry about it, overthink it, sit on it for hours, but you can’t do that. YOU have no control over it, but it has some over you. It’s making you worry, whatever that thing is, it’s sucking energy out of you that could be used and put into something that will serve you. It could be used to smile at people, to write a cute little story, to read a couple of pages of a book. But because you’re worrying about it, that draining negativity is being manifested into your brain, and later in your environment, everywhere really. You see how you have no control, but it has a lot over you? Yeah, that’s not good. It’s not good for your beautiful mind to be hurting.

How can we fix it? You’re aware you can’t control this situation, good that’s the first step. Take some deep breaths, become mindful that you can’t control it. Now, just because this crazy thing has just happened to you, doesn’t mean that you lost all control over every single thing in your life. (That’s for the easily discouraged girlies that need that extra reassurance. It’s okay I do too. All we can do is keep doing.) YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL! You have every single piece of control over how you react to this crazy, time-stopping, experience that has just happened to you, and that is the beauty in it. Remember the variety, and millions of things it could be? I’m going to share two different things I’ve been out of control of and how I reacted to give you a little example. 

Being told no. I hate it. It is my number one tick. It’s what makes me the maddest. I honestly don’t know if its called being “spoiled” or not, but that’s not how I look at it. In my mind, I simply don’t understand how another human can tell me what I can or can’t do. They’re a human, they’re my equivalent. You know what I mean? But sometimes people tell me no, and sometimes I have to accept it. It’s always been hard for me too. I get so angry I don’t recognize myself, after I fight someone to their bone just so I can get my way. That anger is not serving me. It’s hurting me in so many ways. I’m wasting energy that could be spent on healthy things, I’m hurting people I love, I’m putting negativity in my environment. When I need permission to do something, it is no longer in my control, and whatever the answer I get, I need to accept accordingly. I learned that the hard way. I can’t control what their answer is going to be. I understand that. I take a deep breath, I tell myself there is nothing I can do, and I accept it with peace. I don’t use anger to lose a bigger battle, because I’m aware I’m out of control but in control. I do this for myself. I am in control of what I allow myself to feel. 

Another situation I was put in and had no control over was not being able to talk to one of my best friends as much as I’d like. It was hard. It was unexpected, it was a shock, but there was nothing I could do. I had no control over the situation, but I had control over how I coped with it. I looked at it as a break, a time to catch up on my schoolwork, to prioritize. I choose not to sit around all day and fixate on how much I miss them. I choose to turn the sad energy into productive and hopeful energy. 

In situations like these, all you can do is turn it into something beautiful, something meaningful, productive, peaceful. I know I sound like a broken record but people need to be aware of how they react and how they choose to make a situation what they want it be. The purpose of every day to me, is to grow from the person I was yesterday. You can never stop healing, progressing, and growing. The first step is being aware, and from there you got it. I believe in you. You can never control the crazy nonlinear experience of life, the people around you and how they think, and what they project, but you can be aware and mindful of how you handle all of these things. Do it for yourself, for your protected energy, for your peace in mind. It matters and you deserve it. I love you, and you are so strong. 

You got this in the bag :), you really do, drink some water if you haven’t today. Bye girlies 🙂 



Recently, I found two of my closest friends to be insecure. Like, very insecure. I understand, but I don’t at the same time. If I’m  being honest, my mind was absolutely blown because of how insecure they were. I can’t really grasp it. Well, I do understand because I used to be insecure. I still AM insecure, but it’s not as bad. It’s really hard to explain without coming off as bigheaded of judgmental, but I promise I’m not judging.

I grew up insecure, at a really young age. I didn’t know there was such thing as fat or ugly of too much fair on a face until someone I loved said those things about herself. I think it’s really important that adults are mindful of what they say around a developing brain. My insecurities began in the 2nd grade and ended around in the 9th. That’s SEVEN years of caring what other people think, putting that negativity back out in the universe, and being miserable.

I thought that because I grew out of it, everyone else did too, but that isn’t the case. We were sitting around in a circle, making jokes, having a good time, when we looked to our friend and said, “take your mask off bro, let’s see what you look like”. He refused. We kept bugging him, and I could tell he was hurting on the inside. He tried to play it off cool but I’m psychic and could tell he was really dying in his head. I looked at them and told them they were beautiful. Who cares if we laugh, and that you can’t care what other people think. They put their hand on their head and started to cry. So many emotions flowed through my body. I told them it was okay to cry, and tried to be the best friend I could be.  

A lot of things began to make sense in that moment. We as a whole HAVE GOT TO have more compassion for people. To be more kind. To be mindful in everything we say and do. It’s so important. Love is the frequency.

I’m going to tell you a secret, a special secret that you can tell anyone who needs to hear it. If someone is mean to you– calls you ugly, fat, stinky– anything negative, it’s because they feel that way about themselves. They were put under a spell that made them believe it.

You have to stop and make a hard decision. You have to turn to them and love them. They need it. When others are put under spells, they try to put others under them, but you have to be aware of this so you can protect yourself and play wizard to break them from their spell. It’s okay. It’s no one’s fault, and with love in your heart, and kindness in your mind, you can break many spells you magic wizard! You might even be under a spell right now. WELL, LET IT GO. FREE YOURSELF. It’s so easy to be nice to yourself, and so simple.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. LIKE, LITERALLY, HOW CAN ANYONE BE UGLY?WHAT EVEN IS UGLY? PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING. Every single day, you’d better look in a mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, worthy of love, worthy of good things coming to you. BE YOUR OWN HYPE MAN. Because you breathe life, you flow with emotions, you laugh, your eyes gleam when you talk passionately. YOU are so beautiful. Self-love always starts with how you talk to yourself. It’s so easy to talk nicely to yourself, so do it, baby! Do something nice for yourself. You can do it. I believe in you.

If you recognize shared traits in another person, be nice to them and love them. It’s so easy. The world would be so much more prettier. This is YOUR world. Who are they? You feel me? Look up some affirmations or call SZA’s hotline. Repeat them to yourself and really feel them. Feel those nice words you’re saying to yourself. Believe them. You deserve it. Love yourself because there’s literally enough hate in this world already. 

Some affirmations:                                                 SZA’s hotline: 

I am worthy of good things.                                888-808-0CRY                   

I am beautiful. 

My love is kind. 

The universe works for me. 

I see my judgmental thoughts, I understand their root, and I release them. 

I release all things that do not serve me. 

I am thankful for everything I have received. 

I am growing. 

I have the strength to face my traumas. 

I attract good vibes. 

Love yourself for you, you deserve it. Take days do hair and face mask, a new makeup look, take some hot pictures, tap into your divine femininity. YOU DESERVE IT. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. It’s a hard process sometimes but the more you put action in the better things will get. Be gentle to your mind and yourself. You got this bro. 


Trigger Warning: References to Mental Health Diagnoses and Drug Usage

At the start of Tik-Tok’s popularity I refused to download it. I thought I was “too mature” and “too cool” for it. My little sister was obsessed with it. She is on what we call the “straight side of Tik-Tok” where girlies dance and people try to be funny, but fail. She would always shove them in my face and I would just stare at the phone while she would laugh her butt off. In my head I would always think “How can anyone find this funny, it’s not even funny,” and roll my eyes. I would catch her dancing around the house with her phone propped up and tik-tok on the screen in front of her. I’ve watched her prop her phone on the back of the toilet, in Walmart on the shelves, in the kitchen while my mom was making dinner. I became so annoyed. It made me so mad to watch her dance, and my hatred for tik-tok grew in my heart every time I was forced to watch a video or forced to watch her dance. “I’ll never be like this” I would tell myself as I rolled my eyes. Well, I ended up just like her. (Without the dancing)  At the beginning of quarantine my older sister downloaded it. We were laying in her bed and she showed me a video of a girl giving a tour of a beautiful Benz. I thought it was amazing and I expressed that. She said “you should get it, it’s not all dancing, you can make your feed however you want.” Thirty minutes later I was falling down the loop tik-tok takes you in. She was right, you can make your feed however you want, and I think that’s really cool. You can customize it just to fit you, and I like to think I have the best tik-tok feed. My side of tik-tok consists of you know what never mind, she really all over the place, BUT just know she’s the best. My side of tik-tok began to become a problem though. I noticed that a lot of teenagers were romanticizing a lot of unhealthy things. Drugs and having mental disorders. As someone who struggles, and seeing these things glorified is really hard. It made me feel like it was okay to sit around and not do anything about the things I struggle with, and that it not true. It also worried me that younger kids who don’t suffer from mental disorders would think it was “cool” and start to act like they have them, and manifest that in their brain’s, and eventually form a real disorder.  I also see a lot of kids in groups doing drugs, and making it seem like the best time of their lives.  It doesn’t show the empty feeling that they feel when their friends left, and the high rubs off. I just think it’s giving younger kids a POV that isn’t healthy. I know darn well if 11-year-old Emma saw a group of kids snorting cocaine off a skate park railing, I would GO DO IT. I was YOUNG, and wanted a fun life. I sure as heck wasn’t educated on the effects of drugs. Then BOOM my entire life is ruined. I don’t even think I’m being dramatic with this. I’ve seen it happen in my friends. They see people having fun doing drugs, and automatically want to do it. It’s not like their having fun doing whatever they were before because they aren’t. Tik-tok can also be healthy though. There’s actually a new trend going around saying “I’m feeling depressed – time to cope in a healthy way”. I really like this trend. It motivates me to cope in healthy ways, and I’m really glad this a trend because I strongly think it motivates others to cope in healthy ways, instead of doing the bad things Tik-tok can sometimes portray. There’s also lots of useful information on the app. Song suggestions, make-up and hair tutorials for all types, book suggestions, and lots of information on spirituality, gardening, cooking. Some days I see more positive things on my feed, and others the negative outweighs the positive. I guess this could be true for all social medias, but Tik-tok seems to be the most popular amongst the people around me. It’s really important to protect your energy from social media, and remove things off your algorithm that doesn’t serve you in positive ways. 

But in a positive light here’s some songs I really enjoy that I found off tik-tok: 

My current favorites are, Baby powder by Jenevieve, The leanover by life without buildings, Janitor by  Suburban Lawns, Chandelier by Will Paquin, sea dragon by  Covet, and lastly BUT NOT LEAST The Spins by Mac Miller 

My all-time favorites are, Pope Is a Rockstar by SALES, Still life by Sitcom, Fly Kicks by AC Slater & Chris Lorenzo (Wax Motif Remix), Bennington (2007) by John Maus, Decomposing Trees by Galaxie 500, and if you want to cry Where’s my Love by SYML. 

These songs are truly an experience, and if you have any taste in music you’ll like them all 🙂 

No for real, listen to them. 🙂 

Remember to take care of yourself, drink some water, and protect your energy on social media. 


The dream I can’t stop thinking about

Okay so, I had a CRAZY dream and I can’t get it out of my head. My dreams mean a lot to me. I love dreaming. I go to sleep just to dream. Dreaming is absolutely strange, like literally what are they? Dreams. NO LIKE WHAT ARE THEY? You feel me? I think dreams are our subconscious playing a movie inside of our head, and we need to see what’s hiding in the depths of our minds.

Okay so, buckle up because this is crazy and you’re about to go on a rollercoaster reading this. Woo hoo!

Before I start, I am NOT crazy, okay? This entire dream took place at MSA.

So, there was this church group coming to stay on campus for a week to help the administration do something. They came late at night, and I had no idea they were coming until I was on the elevator with some of the church leaders. I was headed downstairs to a basement where we did all of our clothes. There was a huge assembly line but it wasn’t moving. No students were doing their laundry down there though, the only thing down there were children’s jackets that Mrs. Vicky had gotten and I guess she was selling them. I was so amazed by these pretty jackets that I just had to touch one. My hands were wet, I don’t know why. But when I touched one, it got on the jacket. As I was walking away from the jacket, Mrs. Cathy and Mrs. Henderson stopped me in my tracks and got on to me for touching the jacket. They asked me if I did. I lied and said no. They knew I was lying so they walked over to see if I touched the jacket and I was freaking out in my head because I knew my hands were wet and they would be able to tell. Luckily, they thought I touched a red one, but I actually touched a blue one. I didn’t get busted but I still got wrote up for being down there. What happened in between then and the next scene is blurry, but I remember the church people getting moved in and the school was installing all these nice hot tubs and pools in the Phoenix. Anyways, in the next scene, we were all called to the patio. When we walked out there first we saw  “X’s” to stand on and two tables in front of the marked places. MSA’s administration and the church group was sitting behind the two tables. I was asked to stand on the X and then preform a series of jumps. After the jumps they gave me two pills. One pill was infused with drugs and the other one was normal. They decided what kind of pill you needed after you preformed the jumps. I got the pill with drugs in it. (This might be because I’ve been binge watching the Queen’s Gambit, I don’t know, but if you haven’t watched it, stop reading this right now and go watch it.) The pills started making me float and all my teeth fall out. I was just pulling them all out until they were all gone. So, I walked downstairs to show them my teeth was falling out and then I got wrote up because I was downstairs after lights out. This put me into a total frenzy because I was like?? but my teeth. Because I got a write-up, the school made me climb a huge power tower in the middle of a storm to get a lightning rod for Mr. Patrick, and when I was all the way up there he told me he didn’t need it anymore.

That’s all I remember. It was so crazy. I can’t get it out of my head and I think there’s a reason for that. I’m trying to figure out the hidden messages in this dream. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually. I hope y’all girlies are doing okay and drinking y’all’s water. GET THOSE GALLONS IN.

Love y’all!

My curly hair journey

I’ve always had curly hair, but I never knew how to take care of it (and I still don’t). Growing up I wanted to have what all the other girls had around me-straight hair. So I straighten my hair. (Which literally took THREE HOURS,  girl, my arms were TIRED) I neglected my beautiful curls for almost four years, and I still beat myself up about it. Until I was talking to strangers on a kik group chat. They expressed their love for my curls. They made me fall in love with them. This was the first time someone ever told me my curls were beautiful, and girly, it was over with from there. I WAS EMBRACING THOSE DAMAGED FRIZZY FRIED CURLS.

I still didn’t know how to take care of them, and learning how to do so was and still is so hard. I was running a comb through them and putting crunchy moose in it until I was over at my cousin’s house, and asked him how he got his curls looking so luscious…he looked at me like ??? and said “I wet them”. I felt so stupid y’all. I was thinking to myself wow that really makes a lot of sense. So that was a start– styling my hair while it was wet. But trying to find the right products for my hair?? A MESS. It took so many trial and errors and at least 100 dollars down the drain, but mistakes make progress and I was getting there. I didn’t really have any guidance… I didn’t even know what type of curl I had until literally a week ago. (thanks Steph) My mom didn’t know anything about curly hair so she wasn’t much help. And my hairdresser?? No shade to you but please stop straightening naturally curly hair in your salon mam. Anyways, YouTube became my best friend. The spiral I go into watching hair product reviews…I’m not proud of it. So with the little information I have I’m gonna try to give my curly girls a couple of tips. 

  1. PLEASE stop applying heat to your curls. EMBRACE them because I promise you so many people long for them. 
  2. Use that old “paint” shirt to dry your hair when you get out the shower. SAY GOODBYE to those towels. The frizz there giving to you…
  3. THROW THE SHAMPOO AWAY. It’s drying out your hair. Make co wash and conditioner your best friend. 
  4. The brushes got to go too. 
  5. This might be common sense but section your hair when applying products. It took me some time to realize that. It might of been my laziness but the difference it makes. Yeah it was definitely my laziness. 
  6. MASSAGE YOUR SCALP GET THAT BLOOD FLOWING (Not throughout ya know a night out or anything) I know it’s so hard to keep your hands out your hair throughout the day but try. You can do it. I believe in you. 
  7. Most importantly, listen to your hair. Find what works for you. Don’t give up after that 8th bottle of hair product that doesn’t work for you. You’ll find what makes your hair thrive. I promise.   

I didn’t go to cosmetology school or anything, but I wish I knew those things a little bit earlier to save myself some frizz, and I hope it can help a girly with curly locks :). 

see because this isn’t what we finna do

When I think of my future I can’t see myself living how anyone I know does. I use to think this mindset was silly, but it will be my reality. I hate routine. I hate patterns. I hate waking up and seeing the same thing, driving the same route to school, listening to the same conversations, and seeing the same faces.

I refuse to accept that life was meant to be lived by going to a school created through a rigged system for 12 (+) years, and going into a career directly after. A career that I most likely will complain about every second that I’m not asleep because I’d be completely exhausted. I want to be exhausted from turning down roads I’ve never seen, and hiking on hills I’ve never climbed. I want to learn from experience, and conversations with guys with long hair who’s face is scarred by the sun.

Sitting in a desk for eight hours a day isn’t learning. It’s conditioning you for a life that a system expects you to have. Working the average 9-5 job, having a family of four, and occasionally going on vacation just seems boring and a waste of time.  When I graduate I’m gone.

I’m going to buy a cute van, make it livable, dot some cute stickers on the outside of it and I’m out. I have no idea how I’m going to make money for gas. Maybe I’ll start a twitter business where I see wired rings that I’ll make while I watch the sun rise in a different place every morning.

I want to go to California first. My sister has been and tells stories of a town outside of San Francisco with painted sidewalks and shops full of crystals. Then I want to go to Colorado to see the mountains and act like I’m in a Christmas movie. Wherever the wheel takes me is where I will go.

I hope some friends of mine will come along. I don’t want to watch anyone I care about live a life that their parents, or government expects them to have. It would break my heart. It breaks my heart to see my mom stressed over her job. It literally does not matter. We are flying through space on a rock. Nothing matters.

I’ll eventually settle down though. Hopefully in Greece where my only type of transportation is a little pink scooter with hello kitty stickers on the side. I’ll live a good life with no grandkids to tell stories to when I’m reminiscing so I’ll most likely make a blog post about it.

I can’t wait to beat the odds. I don’t want to feel trapped and look back on my life as I’m older and regret it. I will be free. I wish time stopped and I was a kid forever, but it doesn’t so I’ll make the world my playground.

A girly do be sad, and that’s okay.

When I watch the clouds dissolve in the sky

I think of you, I see you

your beautiful mind, your radiant soul 

maybe, just maybe

that’s the reason I run to my window and lay my head on its sill when I’m sure I’m screaming my last cry for help 

into the vastness of absolute nothing 

I don’t want to leave you screaming at the sky 

But why should I continue to be left in defeat 

Because just like the clouds

You’ll come 


You’ll go 

I wanted to share this piece because it’s the first piece I’ve written in a while when feeling down. I forgot how helpful writing is when your brain is scrambled and fighting against you. Mental health is so important and I’m so happy I discovered writing as one of my coping mechanisms. I hope that this piece will encourage a reader of mine to write the next time they feel down like we all do at times. It’s so relieving to get your thoughts down on paper and out of your mind. If you haven’t tried it, DO IT and drink some water while you do. 🙂

The vibes are immaculate

My first week at MSA has been surreal and such an amazing adventure. I’ve been waiting months to walk on the ragged wooden floors and get punked by the ghosts that haunts the floors (and apparently likes to open and close my door throughout the night). I’m not sure though, it’s a good chance it was just Mrs.Holmes. BUT I’m finally here and I’m dreading going home. 

The minute I stepped through the doors I was greeted by such amazing people. People I now call my bestest friends and have great confidence they will be for a long time. That’s one of my favorite parts about MSA so far. The ability to literally be anything and anyone you want to be with nothing but 100% full support from your peers. 

You know the feeling you get when you come home from a concert and you have that “washed over” feeling that you’re not the same person you were before you went? That’s how I feel when I leave every class I have. The teachers are amazing and so excited to share the knowledge they have and I’m so eager to hear everything they have to say. It’s weird right? A teenager excited for class. That only happens in movies if the main character has a secret crush on the person they just so happen to sit beside, but it’s reality at MSA. 

It doesn’t matter that I’m not getting the full experience that I’ve heard about from graduated students. I am so thankful to be here and have this amazing opportunity given to me. I can’t wait to see the amazing things me and my classmates will accomplish this year, and the next.