Author: Emerson Hultman

I fully understand this title is vague, but oh my goodness I’m getting to my limit.

Okay, so, I’m vegetarian right? Been going strong for two years now, and It’s been pretty smooth sailing. Besides the rogue bit of bacon in my french fries, and the small fish patty I thought was tofu, I haven’t broken. I think I’m doing pretty well. Other people however, have different opinions.

I would be filthy rich, like buying a mansion with a water park rich, if I had a dollar for every time someone has said “you’re a vegetarian who doesn’t eat vegetables.”

I’ve been a picky eater from the get-go, and my habits have gotten wayyyy less severe not only since getting older, but since becoming vegetarian. My family however, still sees me as that five year old who refuses to eat anything but mac n’ cheese and chicken nuggets. It is true that I honestly would choose pasta and soy nuggets over salads, but I don’t hate all healthy foods. I could eat roasted asparagus and carrots all day a long. Mushrooms? Y u m. But nah, I’m still a grubby-handed child that only reached for anything carb heavy.

What I think my family fails to realize, is that I’m healthy. I think. I definitely could afford to put down the cookie once in a while, I’m overall in a good place. My weight is healthy for my height, I’m relatively active, and I try to choose healthier options when I can. I hate that my family still sees me as a child. I am the youngest in my family (the person closest to my age being my brother, who is still six years older than me), so possibly this is why I get the bad rep?

It sucks though, because I feel as if I’m being held back. I want to be Vegan so badly. I try and I fail, but I’m still holding on to the hope that one day I can stick to it. Anyways, I’m scared that once I do, I’ll be ridiculed by my family for yet another diet change that I’m not “worthy” of. Because after all, how can I be a healthy vegan? I just hate that misconception. Just because you don’t consume meat and dairy, that doesn’t mean you can’t get proper nutrition and vitamins through other means, while still being healthy.

I’m just trying to make a lil’ announcement. For one of the first times in my life, I’m healthy. I’m not struggling anymore with eating too much or too little  and I’m eating foods that energize me, and let me live a balanced life. So family, when I come home or to visit, please refrain from telling me specifically to cut down on carbs and sugars. You don’t have any clue how damaging is. Anyone for that matter. I know you mean well, but it can really hurt a person.

Just be happy that I’m healthy and wanting to visit you, because I truly do love my family.

mother

mother knew it was the end

she was beginning to mourn

her lungs were a swimming pool of sorrow,

but in it, i found beauty

after all, rain made flowers bloom

the only thing to do, after a fall is to rise

the first thing she did the morning after, was rise

she couldn’t believe that that had been the end

she could feel the sadness bloom

mother told herself not to mourn

mourning had no beauty

all it had was sorrow

all she had felt for a while was sorrow

the sun would rise

she would cake on her beauty,

and would wait for the day to end

her mind was still wishing to mourn,

but her heart was looking to bloom

she found joy again in watching peonies bloom

she pushed aside the hurricane of sorrow

and the desire to mourn,

and instead decided to rise

that was the end

it was time for true beauty

the garden is where she found beauty

watching life bloom

made the pain end

like the sun, i watched her rise

a new being who would no longer mourn

i had watched her mourn

i had watched her fleeting beauty

i had watched her pick herself up and rise

i sat with her and watched the garden bloom

i sat with her through moments of sorrow

and i was there for the end

for my mother to bloom with beauty,

she had to mourn and accept  her sorrow,

but know when it was time to end, and rise.

I´m on a journey this year to get back to my summer skin.

Over the summer of 2018, I had the best skin that I think I have had since before teenage years. It was clear, hydrated, and glowing.

I was L I V I N G and proud of the skin I had.

Now, it´s not going too well.

My skin is hydrated for the most part sure, but I´m breaking out more often than ever, and this is not how I´m trying to live. I want to be able to go back to my summer skin, glowing and bright.

I figured out the culprit of it though: coconut oil.

On Pinterest you’ll see people raving about how this magic potion cured their skin, but beware, it’s dangerous. Sure, for some people coconut oil is amazing and won’t clog their pores, while also keeping their skin healthy and dewy, but for some, it will have adverse affects. For people with prone to clog pores, like me, coconut oil can break them out horribly, and also leave their skin with dry patches. Rip my skin.

So now I that I’ve figured once of the things that is causing my skin to act up, I can get a routine in order.

First I need to start off with general tips and tricks to getting my skin back in shape.

1. Drinking a ton of water.

I know that´s super basic, but it´s something that proved effective in past. I used to drink so much water during the day, and it really showed and aided in keeping my face dewy and nice. Now, well yikessss I should definitely be trading in millions of diet cokes I have a day, for more water bottles. I even used to add in lemon, to give my metabolism a good kick-start in the morning.

2. Eating Healthier

I´m currently Vegetarian, which is a step forward, but I still don´t have a ¨clean¨ diet. My goal by this time next year, is to have shifted to a completely Vegan diet. Eating less processed food, will apparently shift my skin into the right direction. While this is not the only reason I want to be Vegan, it´s a nice added bonus. I know that this huge change is going to be difficult, but new year new me.

3. Using Sunscreen

This is something I never ever do, but I really should start. Protecting your skin early is important so that you don´t wind up with sun damaged skin.

4. Developing a Routine

This last point leads me into the overall bulk of this post, which is having a solid skincare routine. Something I have always wanted to try, is the Korean 10-Step skincare routine. It´s exactly what it sounds like, which is a 10-step routine that apparently is supposed to help your skin live it´s best life. Here´s the routine and what each step is supposed to do for your skin.

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1. Oil-Based Cleanser

This step is for doing a base cleanse of the skin. Most people think this is only to remove makeup, but it also will draw anything “impure” to the skin’s surface, for the next step to take care of.

2. Water-Based Cleanser

This step is more of the face itself being cleaned. All those impurities that were previously brought to the surface level of the skin, are now being cleansed.

3. Exfoliator

This step should only be used a couple times a week, but it’s a vital step to have. Exfoliators will clean out pores and also remove dead skin cells that usually can clog up pores. You will notice your face becomes softer after doing this step.

4. Toner

Toner is a product most people, including myself, tend to forget about. Toners will balance the pH level of your skin, so that your skin will not become all dry and c r u s t y. Toner also comes before all of your moisturizing products, so that it can aid in them being properly used on the skin’s surface.

5. Essence

I’m not going to lie, I’ve never used an essence a day in my life, but I’m gonna start. Essences basically hydrate the skin, but most of the time also have anti-aging agents in them, to give your skin a nice, youthful glow.

6. Serum

Serums are made to specifically treat a certain skin concern you might have. Anything from targeting breakouts, to hydrating, to balancing skin tone. You name it, there is probably a serum for it. Me and my best friend used the same serum over the summer, and we both fell in love it. It’s what I credit a lot of my amazing summer skin to.

7. Skin Masks

These are like added bonuses to your face. It’s just extra hydration and nutrients that your skin will L O V E. And it’s super fun trying them all out.  Pro-tip, if you’re using a sheet mask, put it on before you put on your serum, wait half the amount of time it says to leave the mask on. Once half the time is up, lift up the mask and put on your serum. Lift it back down, let the mask finish, and voila! The mask helps the serum seep in even more with that technique! Or so the myth goes.

8. Eye Cream

I will also admit, I’ve never used an eye cream. I honestly thought they were for the elderly or for someone with really intense dark circles, which they kinda are? But everyone should use one. Eye creams help dark circles under the eye go away, along with puffiness, and helps prevent wrinkles. It’s also a extra hydration factor.

9. Moisturizer

Oh my god I feel like a lot of these steps are just giving moisture to the skin, but as Ms. Sibley says, “Trust the Process” and so I will. Moisturize is kind of the all day moisture that your skin needs, and will help lock in all the other steps for MEGA MOISTURE. This is the key for ultimate glowy skin.

10. SPF

As I mentioned, sunscreen is an often overlooked step, but it is super duper important. Your skin needs to protected from UV Rays that  could cause physical damage to your face’s appearance in the long wrong. A lot of skin care is prevention, so that your skin will be looking in tip top shape come your middle ages.

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And there we go! There is the ten step routine I’m going to try to follow. I’ll probably give an update on this come a couple of months, to give my own personal routine, and give an update on my skin. Maybe that impending blog post will keep me on my skin care game?

Anyone have any “holy-grail” skin care products?

In our poetry class, we are assigned to journal every single day. Some days, it’s free writing, and other days we have assignments. Recently, we had an assignment; randomly flip to a page of the dictionary, and write something inspired by the first word you see. My word was, pastoral.

There are a couple different meanings for the word, pastoral, but the one I chose, was that it meant “peaceful/innocent.”

The first thing that popped in my head, was music. I’ve noticed my music taste has been changing into a more conglomerate, coherent thing, rather than being a jumble of odd bits and bobs. It’s become more of soft, peaceful, “indie/alternative pop” that is popular I guess? No idea, but still I’m pretty pleased with it right now. And that music to me is pastoral.

Here are some songs that are peaceful to me.

If you’d like to listen to a playlist of all these songs compiled in order, I made one for the purpose of this blog!

“pretty girl” – Clairo

This song, despite having notes of a gloomier topic, has peaceful acoustics, that makes me feel content in a way. Ugh, I love it so much. It talks about the fondness of memories, and also talks about how love can make us fools. 10/10 song

“Polaroid of you dancing in my room.”

“when the party’s over” – billie eilish

Another sad bop. I have a knack for listening to sad, sad songs. There’s something about this song that just makes me f e e l, ya know? I interpreted the story as a girl who’s experiencing unrequited love from a person that keeps using her. While this all sounds so melancholy, I somehow get peacefulness from it, because the girl is aware of this fact, and has a very matter-of-fact tone. It’s weird how calm this song makes me feel. Don’t get me wrong though, it also has me cryin’ in the club.

“Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin’, but nothin’ ever stops you leavin’.”

“Lemon Boy” – cavetown 

This song’s imagery makes me so happy. And that’s the tea. No, but in all seriousness this song is able to portray such a sweet, and interesting story, and it really resonates with me. In a peaceful way, that is.

“It’s actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him. So, I got myself a citrus friend.”

“hong kong” – mxmtoon 

A nice imagery song as well. Makes me want to travel more, which is interesting because I’m a lil’ bit of a homebody. I’ve always been the type to be scared of adventure, but this song breaks that. Maybe I’ll go to Hong Kong one of these days.

“yellow cars, smoggy skies, neon lights attract your eyes.”

“Dance, Baby!” – boy pablo 

This song has nostalgia for a memory I don’t have, and that’s something powerful that the artist has done. The vocals and vibe of this song remind me of the 80’s somehow? No idea, but boy pablo pulls this song together nicely. It’s also incredible how this is more of an upbeat vibe-y song, but it stills manages to invoke a serene feeling.

“I’m left alone, should have stayed at home, and searched how to date on Chrome.”

“Cherry Cola” – Jon  Kuwada

The way the artist talks about the girl in this song with descriptive metaphors and similes makes my heart smile. It’s so sweet how highly he thinks of her, based on this song. Hearing how important this relationship is to the artist, is something that adds to the song’s peacefulness.

“No clouds in the sky, ’cause she brings that sunshine.”

That’s a wrap!! There are some songs that I find pastoral.

So many things are easier said than done, and it sucks.

I know when people give me advice, it’s because they have my best interest at heart, but so few understand how hard, and sometimes unrealistic their advice is.

“Just put yourself out there! Make new friends.”

I don’t remember making my friends that I have now. Most of the people I used to know, I had known since 6th grade. Making friends in elementary school seemed to happen like magic. In high school, I feel like I’m missing some special guide book that everyone else seems to have. I try and try, and I just keep coming up short. I’m missing out on a lot, and holding myself back. I’m worried for when college comes. My current plan is being in a sorority (I know it’s basic, but bear with me), which I’ll honestly end up making another blog post about sororities and my infatuation with being in one. I think being in a sorority would help me find a community, a sisterhood, if you will. My only current problem, is that they are extremely expensive, but I’ll find a way. For now though, I’m in high school, and sadly I can’t be in a sorority now. So that solution is invalid.

“Just get over it.”

I try. I try and I try, but it’s always in my mind. I don’t forget. The thought fills my brain like a sink, until it’s brimming the edge. Instead of spilling, it drains. Something will distract me for a fleeting moment, until it starts to fill up again. I can’t just forget. Maybe I’ll find something new to obsess over, but every once in a while it’ll come back to remind me.

“Just speak your mind/Say how you feel!”

I think that the way I feel is obvious, but I have to step back once in a while to realize that I have to project how I feel, to get the feedback I want. It’s been hard for me to realize that to get the help I need or any response at all, I need to be open. Again, easier said that done. I don’t like swallowing my pride.

“Just take one day at a time.”

Oof. Big big oof. I often look at the bigger pictures of thing, mostly relating to time. I count in weeks, not days. Weeks until I go home, weeks until Christmas, weeks until, weeks until, weeks until. It’s like a mantra. I think it’s easier for me to cope this way. We don’t measure long amounts of times in seconds, or usually we don’t. A minute seems a lot less daunting than sixty seconds. The same way that one week seems like less amount of time than seven days. Something that I also do, that I realize not everyone does, is counting in sleeps. During the Christmas season for example. When I was little, and honestly still now, I would count how many times I had to sleep, until it was Christmas morning. My child brain needed a way to simplify time.

Point of this blog, a lot of things are easier said than done. Just saying a solution, doesn’t mean that executing it is just as easy.

I think things are looking up for me. Or well at least they are for a little while.

When I first got here, not gonna lie, I was not hopeful about anything. I think being thrown into new surroundings, conflicts within my own life, and overall mental struggles all worked together into coaxing me into a pit.

Now however, I’m over that hump over the first month of school, and I’m excited for what’s to come.

Due to more free time than I had at more old school, I’ve decided to take up more hobbies. Cross-stitching, learning a new language, etc. are all things that are on the table for me to do. Now I just need to start one.

Cross-stitching seems like a fun hobby, but I have a problem. I get frustrated, way too easy. If I’m not good at something the second I start it, then I’m not gonna do it. I know that’s an awful habit to have, and that’s probably something I should work on breaking this year.

Learning a new language, or at least starting is something that I think I could attain. The question though is, which language? I took German my freshman and sophomore year, and I’m not sure if I wanna continue for college, or even just as a hobby. There’s that familiar feel about it, and I already know basic grammar rules and vocab, but I’m not the biggest fan of it. Maybe I need something new.

Another thing I know I need to start is studying for the ACT. I want to take it around April, so that I have enough time to study my huge 5 lb book the school gave us.

Usually, I wouldn’t have done this, or even thought about doing this, but being more hopeful, means looking into my future more. ACT scores are vital in this, because it’s so so important when thinking about colleges.

So that’s something I need to take up. Pray for me, I’m gonna need it.

College is so exciting to me. Just the thought of having a place to call yours. Being able to be proud of your college is something I can’t to have. I want to be able to tell my family where I’m going for school, and it be something that we’re all proud of.

I have a couple of colleges on my list already, and surprisingly, most of them are in South, but that’s also because I’m dead set on going to college in Texas. My love and infatuation with wanting to live in Texas is another story though. Bottom line, I love Texas with my whole heart, and I would have an amazing time going to school there.

Anyways, the point is, is that I’m looking into the future. Things are looking up folks.

Near the end of the school year last year, my best friend, Cady, pointed out to me that during the school  year especially, everyone has an “unconscious routine.” This is exactly what it sounds like, a routine that we all follow without really knowing. My routines are so different this school year, from last year.

My routine at the year of the year last year was, I’d wake up at around 6:30, get ready, and leave the house for school by 7:00. I’d be the first one at school at 7:20, so I’d go bother a friend in debate who had an earlier morning class. Then Cady would soon follow in suit, and get to school. She’d come get me, and we’d go to the area we call the “commons.” More friends would arrive, and we honestly would just wander around the school until the first bell rang at 8:10.

I’d go about my day until 2:50, which is when I got out of school since I had an online class. Again, I’d go bother friends in the band hall or sit in on Cady’s English class, until everyone got out at 3:45. Me and Cady would usually go to either Chick-fil-A or McDonalds, where we would get frosted coffees and waffle fries, or chocolate chip frappes and fries respectively.

And that was our day.

I think that it’ll be forever be ingrained in my mind.

Now it’s a little bit different.

I wake up at 7:10, and get ready as quickly as possible so I can go check in downstairs at 7:30.

We get to Brookhaven High at around 7:50, where I just sit in my English class until the bell rings at 8:00.

Then after school I eat dinner outside with people, wait an hour to let my food settle, work out, and then do whatever until it’s time for room check. After room check, I hop in the shower, and then it’s time for bed.

It’s crazy how much my routine has changed. I really need to ask Cady how her routine is now. It’s usually different for the both of us depending on if it’s the first semester or the second semester.

My first semester routine of sophomore year wasn’t at dynamic, but I’m glad I got second semester to have with more friends.

I wonder if that’s gonna be true for my second semester of junior year. Will I grow more as a person, like a did second semester of sophomore year? I swear, that semester is one for the records for me.

School was settling down, I was meeting new people and making new memories. I honestly miss it a lot. Miss that dynamic I had.

I need to embrace my new routine, and look forward to second semester.

I hope it’s a good one.

Since being at MSA, I’ve started drinking a LOT more coffee. Like a substantial amount more. It’s kinda crazy. I was never ever a coffee drinker before. I loved the occasional frappuccino, and maybe an iced coffee here or there, but now I’m having at least one cup of hot coffee a day. I’m a person with an abundance of natural energy. Seriously, it’s wild how much energy I have without coffee. But with coffee? I don’t think the world is ready.

I’m writing this as I finish my first cup of coffee, and I don’t think my fingers have e v e r moved faster. My mind somehow is moving at light speed, but also I feel as if I don’t have a single thought in my head. My core body temperature has spiked, and I feel ready to go. I imagine this is what super heroes feel like when they fall into a vat of chemical waste or get bitten by a radioactive spider.

With most of my blog posts that I’ve written so far, they are cultivated during a span of a couple of days, because you know I have time, but for this purpose I need to write this all now. Otherwise, what’s the point? During any other day I might not be on the same coffee adrenaline that I am at this very moment.

We did something in class called a stream of consciousness. Most of you reading this are probably either a junior or senior literary, but just in case you aren’t, I’ll let you in on what a stream of consciousness is. It’s just whatever is in your brain. That’s all. I recommend you do this at home or wherever you are.

Right now, I can’t stop thinking about Christmas. I follow a page called “Christmas Countdown” and it indeed has started. 125 until Christmas. How insane is that? Currently, Mississippi is sweltering in the August heat, but in 125 we’ll all be hopefully under blankets during holiday break.

Marathon runners. Also insane. I can barely run a mile without feeling like I took off my space suit in outer space, but there are people that can run 26 miles and survive.  I know it takes insane practice, but how do you even get started? If you’re a marathon runner please let me know. I’m not about to run a marathon, but I am curious.

Next topic, Wikipedia. This has been on my mind because there is that random page generator, and I’ve been itching to see what pops up. Before that though, it makes me sad that Wikipedia is needing donations. I know teachers don’t approve of us using it for information, but it’s still really helpful, and the fact that it’s a non-profit it awesome. Seeing it shut down or having to be commercial is sad. Anyways, random page! I got the page for Wellington, Kentucky. OKAY! Now this makes my mind think. Imagine, there’s a person from Wellington, Kentucky and they do the exact same random article search as I did, and they get Oxford, MS or Brookhaven, MS. That would be cool. Or imagine if you got your own town. The odds of that happening must be so slim.

Wellington, Kentucky though is a minuscule town. It has 561 as of the 2000 census. That’s heckin’ small.

Final topic. Dinosaurs.

As of now in my life, I don’t think I have a favorite. When I was little it was the Plesiosaur, because it was pretty and lived in water, duh, but I’m not sure about now. I’m going to do a little soul searching to find out my favorite dinosaur as of 2018.

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After much research and coming off of my coffee rush a little, I’ve come down to two contenders of my heart, the Minmi or the Stegosaurus. I don’t think I can choose. The Minmi is so cute and underrated that ah!! It just sounds so adorable. The Stegosaurus is a classic though, and there’s a lot more to know about it. I guess my research was overall, inconclusive. Oh well, at least I learned a little about dinosaurs.

Thanks for going through this coffee rush with me, it’s been quite the journey. I do however wanna know yall’s favorite dinosaurs and what random Wikipedia page generates. Has anyone else been drinking way more coffee since coming here, or just me?

If you didn’t read part one, the jist of the post was that there are certain things that make me feel good, and feel like myself again. For example, the color pink. That’s a feel good color right there, which is why this entire post will be in pink!

Anyways, I know this sounds basic, but Billie Eilish is one of those singers who just makes me feel emotion again. I’ve really been loving “idontwanttobeyouanymore”. It’s a sad, deeper song by nature, but ugh I just want to play it over and over again. 

Another thing I love, is stickers. Just decorating things in stickers is so much fun, and puts a personal spin on things. 

This leads to another feel good item, which is any type of “knick knack”. If you look at my desk, home or here, I have an abundance of useless things. Just lil’ figurines, but they make me so happy. Just to look at them. 

There are some memories that are feel good memories, that just thinking back on them make me all giddy and happy all over again.

Back in the end of March, maybe early April, there was a time where me and a bunch of friends went and watched horror movies at their house.  The first one was called Veronica and the second one I had already seen a bunch of times, Creep 2. During Creep 2, I took such a peaceful kinda nap. I was in and out of consciousness, and the environment was just the best. I can’t describe it but I felt so great? Even though the point of horror movies is to scare you, I just had an amazing time. I think that’s really high on my list of memories. 

Another feel good memory is when I went to Disneyland this summer. I went with my best friend, Cady, and oh my goodness that was such a good time. We video-taped the whole thing, and honestly we need to edit it so we can have the memory laid out for us. Anyways, we just had the best time! We went on rides, had amazing food, got really cute merch, and overall had a good lil’ friend day. 

One thing that is a feel good type of thing, is having my hair touched. I realize how weird that sounds, but oh my goodness. I love having my hair cut, just because I find it so relaxing. I can’t count how many times I wish I could have fallen asleep at the hair dresser. In elementary school I had really long hair, with ringlets, so people used to play with my hair a lot. It was g r e a t.

I wish I didn’t have to rely on things for my happiness though. I mentioned this in part one, but when these things aren’t around, I feel like my brain is a rock. These things are far and few in between too, so I’m left in my zombie-like state for weeks on end, with only a couple moments out of it. 

Looking back, It wasn’t always like this. I wonder when the rock first appeared? That’s another topic for another day. Not for a feel-good post. 

Recently, there have been things that ave truly brought me back to my true self. Coming here, I feel as if I’ve lost the persona that I used to have. But there are some moments, when that really make me feel that way again. Feel like I’m the girl I was without acting.

Right now, I’m feeling like myself because of a song. I just found it, but oh my goodness I’m in love with it. It’s just one of those feel good type songs. It’s called “Dance in the Living Room” by NVTHVN. Please, give it a listen!

I keep revisiting this song, just because it makes me feel like myself again.

Over this past month, I truly just haven’t felt like myself. I’ve felt like a fake. Like I’ve got this fake persona. Not saying that I’m two faced, but more of that I’ve been showing a new personality, possibly because of my new environment?

Let me explain. I’ve noticed that my ditzy-ness has been, enhanced. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been a lil’ bit of an airhead. One of my friends, Hannah, has a whole list of dumb things I’ve said. I wish I could find it, but the picture has been lost in the mix sometime since Freshman year. I’ve only been able to salvage a couple of them. 

The list includes:

“I’m sorry I don’t have my glasses on I can’t hear you.”

“I measure all my events from when the Titanic happened.”

“I can see words.”

See? But since being here, it’s been real bad. Not in the sense that I’ve been saying an abundance more of dumb things, but more of my tone and characteristics? I just feel so childish in my tone of talk. I swear my voice has raised about 5 octaves since being hereSom.

I just feel like I’m missing the sarcastic, quippy side of me. Maybe I’ve dropped this in fear of coming off as mean or unapproachable, but I’m afraid I’ve morphed myself into someone that.

It’s funny that my outward being has become so sickly sweet, because my inner dialogue has gotten darker? Or rather it has slowed down.

The best comparison of how my brain used to be, was like Dug, the dog from UP (AKA a cinematic masterpiece.) What I mean by this, is my brain used to be so scattered, but in the best way possible. It’s how I was able to function.

Now my brain is a rock. I hardly feel like I can form coherent inner thoughts. It’s so odd and foreign. Most people would love to be thoughtless, but I just feel dull. But at least I have the feel good things. 

Sometimes it’s songs, but it can be people, outfits, places, etc. It just depends where I am at my life. 

Feel good things are only temporary. I can’t have something or someone to depend on my happiness at all times. 

That’s the downside of having feel good things.