Author: Amelia Whitaker

I adore bugs. Their biology is incredibly interesting, they’re the most populous creature on the planet, they look almost alien, and they are incredibly important parts of the environment. Bugs are absolutely incredible, and I love them for it.

Past me, however, disagrees. Bugs are terrifying little critters for reasons past me can’t explain. Their twitching wings and spindly legs make past me want to scream. Their compound eyes and clicking mouths are worth past me’s tears. Is there a house fly stuck in the blinds? Time to move location. Is there a cockroach in the bedroom? Time to sleep on the couch.

That last one was actually rather recent in the grand scheme of things- it happened in 2023. So, question: how on earth am I not afraid of bugs anymore?

The answer: I’m still afraid of bugs, but I’m working on it. My fear has been steadily declining. One of my life goals is to be able to hold a bug.

I wish I could give a detailed, step-by-step walkthrough of this me-metamorphosis, but memory is a murky thing. I know the driving factor in this change of heart was realizing just how amazing bugs are. Instead of thinking of them as little pests, I recognized them for the important roles they play in the cycle of life. I’m much more into weird things now than I was in the past, too, and what’s more whacky than bugs? There are some absolutely crazy bugs out there. 

There are also bugs that are strikingly beautiful!

The more I learned about bugs, the more interested in them I became. Perhaps knowing more about them lessened my fear? Maybe learning about other fears of mine will make me less afraid of them, too. Not all of my fears are as cool as little critters, though.

Whenever I think about this bug-loving journey I’m on, it reminds me of all the other ways I’ve changed, and the ways I’m still changing. With humans, I don’t think there’s an end to our metamorphosis as a whole. I think parts of us go through metamorphosis at different times, then go through the cycle again. Though maybe that opinion itself will go through metamorphosis in the future. What does it feel like to emerge from a cocoon, anyhow?

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit…

Recently, it was raining buckets at school. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen, but having to walk through shoe-soaking paths with a paper-thin backpack full of important items wasn’t very funky fresh. Climbing onto the bus, my socks were soaked to the bone, and it would take the entire day for my backpack and purse to completely dry. The bust seats were also watery, I had a dripping umbrella in hand, and the thought that my hair probably looked disastrous nagged at my mind. It was a fun experience to share- I have gladly added it to my brain folder for future writing reference, as I like to collect moments like trading cards- but during the moment, it was nothing special. I joined in on complaining about the weather despite how anxious complaining can make me, because it was complaint-worthy. Doing so did make me feel… not sad, but not good. Neutral with a side of “Man. This sucks.”

But then a thought came to me. My braincells aligned themselves in perfect form, and I realized something truly amazing.

“It’s frog weather.”

A likely goofy grin broke onto my face as I blurted out that thought, voice unfurling in leafy wonder. It’s frog weather. Being soaked is exactly what a little frog would love, and my shoes were squelchy like a frog’s step. Frogs slipping into mud puddles, frogs sitting in loafs on drenched trees, frogs blinking their eyes as droplets plonk onto their faces. Frog weather! 

The amount of happiness this thought gave me feels almost childish, but I love it. I remember walking to class with a smile, and I impulsively said to a passing woman, “It’s frog weather!” She said “Yeah!” in response, likely not realizing the gravity of the phrase. Frog weather! 

I think I said the words to some of my friends as well, but I know I thought it more often than I said it. Frog weather, frog weather. I loved watching the raindrops hit the classroom window, imagining the earthy, lush scent of a rainstorm outdoors, mossy and muddy and froggy with frogs. Frog weather makes rain feel so much more sparkly. Maybe someone reading this will feel the same way as I do, and they’ll beam at the pitter-patter of raindrops with thoughts of frogs.

I cannot believe you fell for the clickbait. Kind of.

I am going to be ranking top three anime end-themes, except it’s just my personal opinion from the media I have watched. Expectedly, the songs I’ve picked are from my two favorite animes as of now! Yes, yes, I know, “Two? You have three songs; get yourself some variety.” To that I say I already have variety, especially in my ominous bone collection. Though I am very open to discovering new media, when the songs are good, they’re good. So, let’s move on, shall we? But first!

This blog includes MAJOR SPOILERS for Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Land of the Lustrous, which is also known as Houseki no Kuni. I usually refer to it as Houseki no Kuni.

If you have not checked out either of these stories and love psychological horror, phenomenal soundtracks, flavorful visuals, and absolutely superb plots, I highly recommend closing this blog in favor of watching/reading the aforementioned stories. They are incredible to go into blind.

Alright, warning given! Now we can actually get into the list.

1.                    And I’m Home (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

This song, fueled by what happened in the singular episode it played, wrecked me when I heard it. A large part of its emotional value comes from context gained via watching the series, but that isn’t to say that the song itself isn’t beautiful. The instruments and vocals itch my brain just right, and everything sounds so smooth and blue! Which is fitting, considering what the song plays for. 

And I’m Home, sung by two characters within the series- their actual characters, judging from the lyrics, voice actors, and the ending art (shown above)- plays at the end of episode 9. It’s fittingly centered around the emotions of Kyoko Sakura (VA: Ai Nonaka) and Sayaka Miki (VA: Eri Kitamura), detailing struggle but also love. Some of the lines are:

“(Duet) No matter how many times you feel that way,

there will always be warmth here.

Even if it was a mistake, I don’t care, I’ll always be by your side.”

(Content Warning: Unsubscribing to Life)

What hurts the most is that episode 9 is the episode where both of these characters die. Sayaka is transformed into another being, dying in the process, and Kyoko spends her last moments trying to call out to “Sayaka.” However, Kyoko ends up realizing it’s useless, and kills both herself and “Sayaka” at the end of a heartfelt speech. I could talk about the writing of that scene for forever- just these words don’t do it justice.

1.               Magia by Kalafina (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

The tone shift of going from Madoka Magica’s previous happy, lighthearted end theme to a guitar driven, dark, and dangerous theme is wild in the best way possible. It really highlights how the series starts off looking innocent, when in reality, it’s a psychological horror! Not to mention that this theme is foreshadowing in the best way possible. At first, it appears to be your standard dark end-theme, but when a plot twist is revealed towards the end of the series, you realize that Magia was about that plot twist the entire time. The wonderfully crafted lyrics aren’t about the main character at all- they’re about the character who was the early antagonist, what she’s feeling, and what she’s hoping for, along with the plot twist and ending. Also I go crazy for the violin and guitar in this- I really wish there were more songs who used both! Here are some of the lyrics:

“In these frightened hands of mine,

courage is made of handpicked flowers

My feelings alone are all that I rely upon,

a wish that will awaken 

the light.”

1.                           Liquescimus (Houseki no Kuni)

Wow, another song that plays after a character death! Yay… What makes it worse (better)  is that its another in-character song, sung by Phosphophyllite (VA: Tomoyo Kurosawa.) The vocals of this song feel like the embodiment of sadness, and the pacing of the instruments only adds to the sorrow. One of the things I really love about this song is that it’s in character to the events and worldbuilding of Houseki no Kuni. Character death is equivalent to being taken to the moon in this world, and in Liquescimus, Phosphophyllite sings about Antarcticite being taken to the moon. It plays over the above image- Antarcticite’s resting place- to really hurt your soul. This song also foreshadows the events of the Manga, where Phosphophyllite forgets more and more of their life, including Antarcticite. Here are some of the lyrics:

“There is now only a 

white phantom that looks like you,

shatters when it comes,

and goes off to the moon.”

Beauty standards are weird. There are, of course, ten billion other things in this world that are weird, but today I want to focus on beauty standards for humans. With a tilt of my head, humans can look like amazing wonders of biology, but with another tilt I realize that all humans look horrifying. Our eyes are so round and glassy, our wrinkled lips pull back to reveal the literal bones sticking out of our mouths, our fingers and toes wriggle so weirdly. Humans think humans are beautiful because they are used to how they look. But not every human has the same standard of beauty, and the beauty standards of the present are plain weird. Think about it for a moment. Why do we think certain things are beautiful?

One thing I think about is the hatred of acne- almost every teenager ever gets acne, but the presence of it is met with disgust. I’m not saying to stop taking care of your skin, but acne is so normal! Why is it hated so much? Despite how common it is, acne can have so many unique patterns- and that goes for so many other things, too. When I wash away my point of view of “Oh what on earth are human faces why do they move like that,” the average human feels beautiful. To me, beauty should not be smooth faces, even brows, and whatever else is going on; beauty is uniqueness, beauty is being human. There are so many appearances out there with so much unique character. I actually wrote a poem on this topic a while back, and I would like to share it. It sums up some of my thoughts pretty well, plus, why not? 

 On another note- one of the things that brought this up was discussing character design with a friend. We both talked about how much we love seeing regular things like acne scars, sun spots, missing teeth, bushy eyebrows, braces, picked skin, and etc on characters, but I barely ever seen such things on characters outside my own friend group. I love creating characters with all sorts of features and shapes! Not only does it make them more recognizable, but it’s also lovely to see. And also realistic. You’re telling me there’s shows with teenagers in apocalyptic settings and none of them have a single pimple? Or chewed up nails? Or intense eyebags? Or sunburn?

With that out of the way, here is the aforementioned poem.

This Is Beauty 

Rosy bumps dot your cheeks, 

   Shining in the sun. 

They frame your smile gorgeously, 

   but you’d rather hide them, shunned. 

 Why are you afraid, 

to show such common uniquity? 

   look- they have them, too, and so does she. 

don’t you see the utter beauty? 

 Treat yourself with utmost care, 

but there’s no need to run. 

    there shouldn’t be, at least- 

pimples happen to everyone. 

 why do the coral spots garner frowns 

      When they’re scattered like constellations? 

   Why do bodies attract heartless jabs 

 when they’re a part of simple nature? 

what is the point of conformity, 

     when there’s so much more to adore? 

  you grin with a charming dimple, 

And your broad teeth gleam like priceless quartz. 

 The gaps between aren’t oddities, 

they’re a perfect part of who you are. 

Some may be far-reaching, 

     while others may have crevices, 

  Perhaps some teeth are even absent, 

           Or you sport badass metal braces. 

  The variety of appearances 

 is nothing short of sublime. 

   The acne scars above your brow 

And the sunspots here and there 

         are like speckled pretty paint drops.  

Even the different scars embroidering your skin 

 no matter the size or shape, 

   Are like murals filled with history. 

From your distinguished hooked nose, 

An amazing trait of character, 

   To the bottoms of your rugged, 

running-wild soles, 

There’s no doubt that you’re delightful. 

  from your elegant, fanned ears, 

like big, perfect petals 

To the glorious deltas of stretch marks 

Spanning across your form, 

Make no mistake- you’re beautiful. 

Small, tall, large, or skinny, 

Every variation of the body, 

     You and your distinct features 

Are as stunning as the stars. 

The idea for this type of blog post has come to me, but I’ve always pushed it aside. I think a part of me thought I might be making a big deal out of nothing. However, this blog is about a part of my identity, and after talking with a friend, I realized just how much I have to say. This blog is about my experiences being aromantic: a romantic orientation meaning that I don’t fall in romantic love. Please keep in mind that there are far different experiences other aromantic people have- I do not speak for everyone in the community, I’m merely one person. I hope this post can help spread awareness, and maybe help someone.

The aromantic pride flag

Discovery and Representation

For a long time, I didn’t know what I was. I wanted a label, but all I knew was that I wasn’t straight. It felt wrong to be called straight. I had no idea how to describe what I was, or that being aromantic was a thing- aromantic representation runs extremely thin, and aromantic expression in media is even thinner. Even now, I only find either of those two things when I’m searching for it. There was nothing in my daily life to bring the aromantic label to light.

I tried many different labels. 

“I don’t like men- does that make me a lesbian? Am I lesbian? Or maybe I’m pansexual- maybe I can love everyone, and that makes it harder to find love. Maybe I’m bisexual, and I just haven’t found the right one.”

All of them felt wrong to me, but it was all I had. I had to be something, right? I think the longest label I chose was pansexual, but I distinctly remember being uncomfortable with it.

I don’t remember the video, but I found the word aromantic in a youtube comment. I looked up the word and studied its definition. For me, it was like someone clicked on a light, flushing away the chattering shadows of, “Am I? Am? Am I? Am I?” here, in this label, I found something that felt right. Comfortable, like a reassuring blanket. I found tales of experiences similar to my own, and things started making so much more sense. “Aromantic. That’s me! I am aromantic!” I was lucky to have such an experience.

There was a phase after that, after I came out to my friends, where I referenced being aromantic so much. I was consuming everything I could about it, I was so happy.

But, outside of the aromantic community, there was barely anything that represented being aromantic. Even in the LGBTQ+ community itself, there wasn’t a whole lot. (there’s more there now, thankfully.) The ace-specs know the term much better, but it still makes me feel unknown. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one character in large media that’s obviously aromantic,  Kusuo Saiki, (king) and he’s aromantic-asexual. That’s very valid, shout out to all the aro-aces, the aces, everyone else on the spectrum. I love that there’s at least some representation for the community. However, throughout indie media and larger media, I’ve realized there’s so much more ace representation, and then less but still more, aro-ace representation than only aro representation. I want representation for everyone, but by everyone I mean everyone. If there was more aromantic characters in media, people would better understand what it means to be aromantic, and what comes with it. You can be aromantic but not asexual, you can be asexual but not aromantic, you can be both, you can be other things on the spectrum. (Demiromantic, aegosexual, etc.) If there was more representation, it would make coming out so much easier. It’s hard explain something people know nothing about, and it’s hard to find spaces where you feel welcome. Even in the LGBTQ+ community itself, there’s still people who don’t understand being aromantic, pity being aromantic, or try to wipe it off the radar. Which actually brings me to my next point…

The Pitying of The Aromantic Community

My friend theorized that the reason there’s so little aro representation is because being single is seen as unfulfilling and saddening. In reality, many people, even outside of the aromantic community, don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy or fulfilled. There are other forms of love, and for me, romantic love is less fulfilling than platonic love. Platonic love is the type of love you have with friends and family, and it can be just as strong as romantic love, just… not. You can confide in, cuddle with, and spend half of your time with a platonic friend. Strong bonds aren’t always romantic.

In the past, I dated someone for maybe a year. He was of the opposite gender. He asked me out, and I didn’t know how to respond. I liked spending time with him, and he was a boy, so that meant I liked him, right? I said yes.

When I say nothing changed for me in the relationship, I mean nothing changed. He called me his girlfriend, he got me gifts, we went on dates, and it was fun! But I didn’t realize that all I was feeling was just friendship. There was no change in feelings on my side. Going on dates and getting gifts was because I wanted to spend time with him and thought that was how relationships worked. I feel bad thinking back on it; it feels like I was deceiving him unknowingly. It feels so obvious looking back on it, too. I don’t think the reaction to someone telling you “I think I have a crush on your boyfriend…” is, “Oh. Okay?” And I don’t think you’re supposed to feel weird and anxious saying your boyfriend is your boyfriend. 

I did not see him as my boyfriend,  I saw him as a boy friend, and I didn’t know. 

The time I spend with my friends  as friends feels so much more fulfilling than any time with my ex-boyfriend as a romantic partner. Movie dates where I’m wondering how to make romantic  relationships work cannot compare to giggling with friends at the back of a comic-con. Those romantic “I love you”’s only filled me with discomfort I tried to deny, while my heart blooms when me and my friends tell each other “I love you guys,” platonically.

I am not sad being unable to feel romantic love. What does make me sad is when people say, “You don’t fall in love? I’m so sorry. That sounds horrible.” What does make me sad is when people frame it like I’m missing out on some great experience. Romantic relationships may be great for them, but they aren’t great for me. What does make me sad is when people think being aromantic means I’m emotionless, and unable to feel empathy or any type of love. 

The Denial of the Aromantic Community’s Existence

I know it can be hard to comprehend, especially when someone doesn’t know the term. Some people need an explanation, and I’m happy to provide them with that. Some people still don’t respect it, though, and some people completely deny its existence. So many people deny its existence.

“You’ll find the right person one day.”

“You just need more time!”

“You’re young, it just hasn’t happened yet.”

Yes, I’m young. Maybe one day I’ll realize I’m not aromantic and change my label, which is completely fine. But right now I feel aromantic, belong in this label, and don’t ever see it changing in the future. the most tiring things to hear are variants of the quotes above. They’re so invalidating. Who even is the ‘right person?’ What if the right person is one of my friends? In that case, what if I’ve already found them? It feels like I’ve already found the right person in my friends, as friends.

This experience isn’t exclusive to me. Many other aromantics get told the same thing. There are so, so many of us, and despite what others say, we exist. We are valid.

My Opinion on Romance

Because I’m aromantic, most people assume I don’t like romance, such as in movies or books or other couples in real life. While it’s very real for a aromantic person to be repulsed by all romance (on a spectrum),  personally, I adore romance! I really love fictional ships, and other people being together doesn’t bother me. Reading good, cute romance makes me elated. Though, I have to admit- the way people describe romance sounds horrifying sometimes. Like, you think about one person all of the time and feel horribly sad when they’re gone? You dream about that person and can’t help but admire them silently, hoping your intense feelings are returned? You get into relationships in high school, knowing there’s a very slim chance they’ll lead anywhere more? Don’t even get me started on relationship drama. Why is there so much relationship drama?!

I could never. Great for all the romantics out there, but also man. I am glad I don’t have to deal with that. I’m fine with my lovey-dovey fanfiction and media. 

End

If you got this far, then yay! This post was longer than I realized while writing it. I hope you learned new things, and if you have any questions, I have no problem answering. Have a nice day!

This morning was an odd one for my usual routine. Not much deviated, but the atmosphere upon opening my eyes was different- I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but I felt suspiciously calm, not thinking about how much time I had to get ready. It was 5:55 AM when I woke up, but instead of begrudgingly pulling myself out of bed, I just laid and stared. Minutes ticked by, and when I got up after 6:11, I thought: “I’m going to have to rush like all HECK.”

But I didn’t, and I didn’t feel rushed either. Against the notions of my brain, I had time left while I waited for my family. I looked outside my windows, heard some noises, and decided to spend my free time standing in the driveway with my journal. I hadn’t ever decided to write so early in the morning, and though balancing my journal on my arm to keep my writing steady was troublesome, it was a fulfilling experience. The excerpt below is what I wrote during that time, this very morning. Some small edits have been made to make things more coherent.

11/8/23

Sounds of the Rising Sun

The metalworker is in their workshop this morning, the sounds of clinging metal and skittering chains reaching my ears. I hear them activate the saw again and again, three seconds of silence in between before the scraping resumes like clockwork. There’s a masculine, adult voice shouting at something to my left- my guess is that they’re two houses down, but their voice rides the wind with ease. I can’t make out their words, but they shout in the stern, gruff, warning way one would shout at a misbehaving child or dog. Their voice rings out like a bark: heavy at the beginning and swooping up at the end. When I visualize it, I see it as a sharp punch of sound breaking the air. A cluster of birds swim through the sky above, their bubbly chirps alerting me of their arrival. They sound like colorful dots popping against my tongue and ears, and I can almost see those dots bouncing around them as they fly. Their asymmetrical forms gracefully cut through the fog, their shadowy silhouettes melding with the dark treetops. They take their poppy tweets with them as they leave my line of sight, but another flock flies not far behind. They’re smaller, their voices just as bouncy, and they chitter a similar chorus. Their departure brings my attention to the mist-shrouded lake they flew by. In the fog, the wooden posts of my neighbor’s unfinished dock appear as abandoned, alien monoliths. For a moment there is no noise, and I think about the hoofprints in the lakeside, the dying porch ferns by my feet, and the swamp-tree saplings bordering the right side of the pond. The unexpected rustling of branches snaps me out of my thoughts, and I turn around in search of the noise’s cause. It was so quick, so sudden, that I almost think I never heard it. I think, “It’ll be another memory that washes away with the day.” The crinkled brown leaves I see fall tell me otherwise, though- that noise wasn’t figment of imagination. I hear no squirrels amongst the trees and no birds perching overhead, but I do hear the twist and click of the front door lock. The weather strips squeal as they’re pushed apart from one another, the motion making the automatic light flick on. My mother is here, my sibling is in the car, and it’s time to go to school.

Frogbloginning (Frog-blog-beginning) 

That’s right! It’s time for yet another frog blog! I don’t have much to say before we dive on into the info, but I do have another frog fact to share! Some people might think this is gross, though, so feel free to skip. Frogs throw up by throwing up their stomachs! Like, their entire stomachs get pushed out of their mouths, and then they use their front feet to clean their exposed stomach. Once clean, they just swallow their stomach to put it back in place. How cool is that?! (Source!)

Pumpkin Toadlet (Brachycephalus pernix)

(Source 1)  (Source 2)

Now, you might be wondering why I put a ‘toad’ on this list. Toads aren’t frogs, are they? THAT IS WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN DECIEVED. Every toad is a frog; not every frog is a toad. But, with that out of the way, its time to talk about these absolutely miniscule fellas. Pumpkin toadlets, horribly, have been described as ‘the frog bad at everything.’ Which is, uuhhh… well, I love them and they aren’t extinct, so they’re doing something right! Pumpkin toadlets are so, so tiny that their ears are underdeveloped. This means that their semicircular canals- the bony tubes in your ears that help you balance- can’t… help them balance, making them twirl, summersault, and land every which way whenever they jump. You can find videos online about them! The underdevelopment also means that they can’t hear mating calls, either. 

Purple Digging Frog / Pignose Frog  (Nasikabatrachus sahyadrensis)

(Source 1) (Source 2)

As all I do all frogs, I love this frog so much. Look at its shape! Look at its face! Its so unique, weird, and cute! I say this lovingly: it looks like a yam got turned into a frog. Truly, frogs are amazing. It took a while for the Purple Digging Frog to be discovered because it stays underground most of its life. They only arise for 2-3 weeks during the rain! The females are also much larger than the males, and they straight up carry the males to nesting grounds. The strength of frogs… 

Waxy Monkey Tree Frog (Phyllomedusa sauvagii)

(Source 1) (Source 2)

 Look. Look at this frog. Look at how absolutely chill this green little amphibian is. If you look up pictures of them, you’ll see they can look devoid of braincells and derpy, but they also just… look so chill. The Waxy Monkey Tree frog (A weird name, I know) spends most of its life in treetops. The heat up there, along with spending hours in the sun, would normally dry out a frog’s skin, but not for this species! Waxy Monkey Tree frogs secrete a wax-like substance that retains moisture! Now that you know where the ‘waxy’ and the ‘tree’ part of its name is from, where’s the ‘monkey’ aspect come in? Unfortunately these frogs don’t swing from treetops, but they don’t hop! They just walk, apparently like a monkey. That in itself is GREAT and WONDERFUL and nobody should tell these frogs otherwise.

Frogblogending (Frog-blog-ending) 

That’s it for this frog blog, folks! I hope you learned something new! There’s a lot more interesting frogs out there, available to be researched!

Hello! When thinking of what to do for this blog, I was honestly stumped. I had plenty of concepts and writing scraps on my ideas page, but they all didn’t feel right. Either that, or I thought “I don’t have enough time to write that.”

So, the obvious choice was to start writing something that I really don’t have enough time to write! Haha! Don’t be like me.

The following is what I like to call a ‘drabble.’ To me, a drabble is just something I wrote for fun, like a spontaneous idea. I don’t know exactly where I’ll go with it, but while writing it, I just follow my instincts. I like to try new things in drabbles as well! A lot of my drabbles end up being edited and expanded upon later, but due to short time, this one is rather short. I had a lot of fun writing it, though! The characters in this are dear to me, and I really enjoyed burying myself in Isko’s mindset. Have fun reading, and maybe even give drabbles a try too! They’re neat practice.

Now, prepare yourself for a tone switch.

—☆—

       Isko hates these hallways. He hates their white, fluorescent lighting that bounces off their stupid marble floors. He hates their stupid golden archways, intricately carved with dozens of stupid triangles. He hates their stupid, endless, inescapable, see-through containment cells. He can hear the people inside them; he can see their misty glow. He can barely feel his own legs as he walks past them, focusing his gaze at the door at the end. He doesn’t want to go to the next room; He doesn’t want to see her.

         Her. Vaiya. Even thinking of her name ignites a furious flame within Isko. He wants to slam her head down onto the control counter and throw her into the abyss. He wants to scream at her until his throat bleeds. He wants to rip out her soul and rush her karma. Why does he have to follow her every ord-?

         Hands slam against the glass of the cell to Isko’s right. He flinches, hurrying up his pace. That’s why.

        The flame flickers out, Isko solemnly reaching up to his face. The soul amalgamation behind him continues to beat their fists against the glass.

      “F-f-f-” “F-F-” “F-f-f-f-” “F-f-f-” 

          “O-o-o-r-” “O-O-O-RR-” “O-o-o-o-r-” “O-o-” 

              “Tee-za!” “TTTEZA!” “Ttteeee-zza.” “Rteee-za!” 

       Isko doesn’t respond to their overlapping cries. The door feels like it’s getting further and further away. Is he even making progress? He has to be. He’s walking. Not that logic applies to him anymore, but he has to get there. His face feels like a mask glued to his skull. He can’t take it off. How much time does he have left? He feels nauseated, his stomach buzzing with painful tensity that he can’t will away. It feels like his throat is running with saliva, a coiled object choking him in the back of his throat, pushing him to the edge of gagging but never doing so. His tongue tastes disinfected, his nostrils burn in the sterile air, his hands shake as he reaches out to the doorknob-

     But the door is still far away. Isko digs his claw-like nails into his arm before he can shout out a frustrated curse. Vaiya would hear him, and he doesn’t need more on his plate. He just needs to stay calm. Calm, calm, calm. He repeats the word as he walks forward, forcing his shoulders to relax. 

     Calm, calm, calm, calm…

    There’s soul amalgamations staring at him, calculating.

    Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm…

    How many has he gotten for her now? How long have they been waiting?

    Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm.

    They still think they can escape. They think if they appease her, then they’ll find an opening. Isko can see it on their faces. 

   Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm-

   They don’t get it. There’s nothing they can do. Vaiya will never let them go; Vaiya will never relent. Why are they still hoping? Just give up. The ones that give up are easier to look at. Melted puddles of nulled emotions, glassy eyes that stare into nothing.

    Calm, calm, calm calm, calm, calm, calm, calm. It isn’t helping. Calm doesn’t even feel like a word anymore. Is he repeating calm or clam? Clamp? Triangular, golden clamps. Isko’s breath turns wheezy. It would be funny if it wasn’t terrifying.

    The door is right in front of him. Golden triangles decorate its surface, their shiny exteriors reflecting a warped image of Isko’s face. He stumbles back with a start, squeezing his eyes shut. Hurry, Isko, hurry. It’s just a stupid reflection. He throws open the door with far too much urgency. 

From ants trekking across the ground, to the fish swimming in the abyss, to the birds soaring through the sky, the world around us is full of life. However, living in a world with cars and houses, sometimes its easy to forget that. I used to look at common birds and think nothing of it, but now I can’t help but get elated upon seeing them. I wonder what their lives are like. What has the crow outside done today? Did the stray dogs in the parking lot sleep well? Did the frog on the rock see anything interesting?

This type of thinking has given me a whole new appreciation of the world and its inhabitants. I’ve had many small encounters with creatures that remain fresh in my mind today, and though these encounters might not mean much in the grand scheme of things, they feel special to me. Today, I want to share some of these moments! Unfortunately I only have pictures for one, but I’ll put it in!

Late Night Doe of Early Morning

I’ve never considered myself a light sleeper, but its occurred to me that I probably am. Recently I awoke from slumber at 3:20 AM, the sound of crunching leaves reaching my ears. At first I didn’t want to get up, but then my brain hit me with the, “What if it’s a cool animal?” And I cannot argue with that. I stood up faster than I ever have, sleepily-but-also-somehow-very-wide-awakenly moving aside the white curtains blocking my view, and lo and behold, there was a brown doe standing in the moonlight. I didn’t know what she was doing here, especially since I live right next to a loud workshop and neighborhood, but she was unbothered. I don’t know if she even noticed me. I watched her walk to the front of my house with effortless elegance. After writing what I saw down, I went back to sleep.

I wonder what that deer was doing there? I don’t know what she could have gained from walking through my yard. Whatever her reason, I hope she’s doing well.

Light Searching Luna Moth

Bonk, bonk, bonk. Reading in my bed at night, I hear it. Bonk, bonk, bonk. One of my cats is suspiciously staring at the window by my corner lamp. BONK, BONK, BONK. The noise was so loud it was honestly a bit frightening at first. What gargantuan bug could be smacking against my window so fiercely? I had to know. And I also had to keep my cat from terrifying the thing. Sorry, Sophie. She was transported out of the room before I looked to see what it was.

It was glorious. Amazing. Entrancing.

It was a MOTH. A luna moth, to be precise! Though one of its swallowtails appeared to be missing, it seemed to be flying fine, though it was mostly bonking on my window to get to my lamp. I was absolutely amazed with this moth. It was was so fuzzy, so absolutely huge, green, and it was a moth! I immediately told everyone in the house that there was a luna moth, and me and my sibling watched it on its quest for light. I was honestly a bit worried it would hurt itself, but it landed on the side of the window eventually.  Sadly, but also thankfully, it realized it could not reach the light. It flew off into the night to hopefully chase other dreams, like safely landing on outdoor lights that aren’t heated and are 100% safe for moths.

Bouncing Bunches of Tiny Frogs

In the spring and summer, my yard bursts to life…

…With frogs. Toads? Every toad is a frog, but not every frog is a toad.

In any case, my yard becomes overrun with this teeny-tiny brown frogs, small enough to fit on my fingertips. They hop around in huge numbers doing frog activities. I love them so much, but they make me so scared for them. I watch my every step like a hawk and spend a moment making sure the coast is clear before pulling down the trash can. May the frogs be prosperous!

Opossum Apparition

Yet another encounter in front of my bedroom window, and another result of hearing crinkling leaves. I don’t remember the exact time, but I believe it was somewhere around 5:00-6:00 when I woke up to hear crunching leaves. I walked over to the curtains and pulled them aside, seeing a huge opossum. Opossums are so cute, cool, and also dangerous, and though I knew what they looked like, I had never seen one in person. I didn’t know they were so huge! I watched its tail sway back and forth as it rounded the corner, and to be completely honest, I almost gaslighted myself into thinking it wasn’t real. If I hadn’t told anyone else about it, I probably wouldn’t even be telling this story now. Many, many nights later, me and my sibling discovered an opossum digging through are trash. It was ferocious as it was adorable, and I wonder if  it was the same one as before. I hope they’re living their best life(s).

(A photo of the Orion Nebula)

ALIENS! A icon of my brainrot; I absolutely adore aliens. While I do believe aliens exist somewhere out in the cosmos, I don’t believe in any alien conspiracy theories (nor do I want to hear about them.) The aliens I’m interested in are the ones of fiction. 

 I love, love, love, creating my own species and reading the lore of what others have made. From everything I’ve seen, alien creation has practically no boundaries. Do you want to create an alien that doesn’t incorporate science, or even breaks science? You can do that! The universe is endless- who knows what kind of materials are out there, and what they can do? You want an alien that is built off of science? Also great! That’s absolutely amazing! You want an alien that’s humanoid? Despite what others say, that’s also totally possible! Convergent evolution is already a thing on earth itself! You want an alien that looks other worldly? GO FOR IT! You can make aliens that live in the sea, underground, in the sky, in deadly forests, in hot lava, space itself, and more. Your imagination can run rampant, and you should let it! There’s tons of theories and ideas you can use as well. Life has evolved to be small, so what if a sentient lifeform evolved to be small? What would microscopic societies look like? Alien lifeforms could be made out of some new substance that doesn’t appear alive to humans. What could arise from encountering a species like that? You also don’t need to stick to ‘bad’ aliens. Aliens can be anything! Good, bad, neutral, whatever! You can even add the societal complexity humanity has to them! I, personally, really love aliens that are just as excited to discover humanity as humanity is to discover them. Positive interactions! My favorite book of all time, Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir, has my favorite depiction of aliens ever. Man, I love that book. 

We’ve only scratched the surface of alien creation, though. When you build aliens, you can start with a completely blank canvas. Its up to you to decide what their planet looks like, what lives on that planet, the properties of that planet, how it effects the aliens, and vice versa. You can write history from the first evolution all the way to the space age. You get to create an entirely new culture, society, language, religion, and more. Think about how your aliens properties might change how they live! If they’re hyper-intelligent, what would their school systems look like? Would they hold knowledge over strength, strength over knowledge, or maybe something else? If nature is a part of a major religion, would your aliens be more hesitant to destroy it? What are the beauty standards? Are there even beauty standards? A fun exercise for this is to take human customs and reverse them. What if having eye contact is rude? What if houseguests are supposed to cook dinner instead of the host? What if you’re supposed to be loud instead of quiet?  

…Okay, this is probably too many questions. I’ll ask one last question, and its very important. The question is: Why? Its fun making all of these concepts, but its always good to have a reason for why your aliens are the way they are. If you have a concept you really like but can’t find an answer to “Why,” don’t be afraid to use that concept for another alien species! I personally like to put all my species in the same universe. Here are some final parting tips for creating aliens, but you can do anything!  

• Research different kinds of planets. Gas giants, tidally locked planets, etc. 
• Research how the moon and sun effect planets, along with how their distances, sizes, and quantities might change things. 
• Look at pictures of deep sea creatures and bugs. If aliens like that aren’t your vibe, go look at pictures of random animals that interest you! 
• Research adaptations for different climates.  
• Think about mundane things you do and think about how other creatures might do it. (Making beds, cooking, playing instruments, etc.) 

(A photo of the Pillars of Creation)