Conflict resolution

Hello everypony, my middle school self would like to formally apologize for the amount of friendship drama I witnessed…and caused 

There was this girl I used to be friends with who had a specific way of dealing with conflict..she just ghosted you..in person. You could walk right up to her and start talking, and she would just walk away. This was her solution to literally everything. 

That friendship definitely taught me something, though. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a lot more conscious of how I deal with conflict. I’ve made my own mistakes, obviously. I’ve argued over text. I’ve complained to other friends when I should have just talked to the person involved. I’ve said things while I was angry that probably would have sounded a lot better if I had waited five minutes. I’ve also learned that friendships are going to have uncomfortable moments. What matters is your conflict resolution.

It could be your friend has been acting weird and you have no idea why, you got left out of something, there’s a boy involved, someone said something that bothered you or maybe you don’t even know who is mad and why. Whatever the situation is, here’s what I’ve learned about dealing with it.

First, figure out what you’re trying to say.

You don’t need to write a speech or prepare a ten-page argument. Just know what’s bothering you. Before I talk to them, I think: What happened? Why am I upset? What do I want them to understand? What do I want to happen? If you’re nervous, write it down. Put everything in your notes app. Tell your mom. Talk to someone you trust.

And please, do not have the argument through text. I know it’s easy. You can type out exactly what you want to say, read it seventeen times, and send it without having to look at their face. Sounds amazing. Right? WRONG. If you can, talk face-to-face.. Sit somewhere quiet. Find somewhere you both feel comfortable enough to talk. AND DON’T INVOLVE PEOPLE WHO DON’T NEED TO BE INVOLVED.   

 Now, I start with the friendship, and not the problem. Before immediately listing everything they’ve done wrong, tell them why you’re having this conversation instead of just dropping them. Something as simple as, “I really care about you, and that’s why I don’t want to just ignore what’s been happening between us.” is usually my go to. That one sentence can completely change their mindset.

You’re not saying, Here is everything I hate about you. You’re saying, Our friendship matters enough to me that I really want to fix this.

There is nothing embarrassing about admitting that something hurt you. When you explain what happened, try to focus on your experience instead of attacking theirs. Instead of saying something like…

“You’ve been treating me like garbage.”

I’d say somethin like…

“I’ve felt really distant from you lately, and I honestly haven’t known what I did wrong.”

Same feeling. Just not as dramatic. And once you’ve said your part, stop talking and let them answer.

This is probably the hardest part for me because I might hear something I don’t agree with. Maybe they misunderstood something. Maybe they’re upset about something completely different. Maybe they have a perspective I never even considered. 

You don’t have to immediately defend yourself against every sentence. You can say, “I didn’t realize you felt that way,” or even just, “I need a little time to think about that.”

Finally, don’t make the ending awkward just because the conversation was awkward. You don’t have to walk away with everything magically fixed. Sometimes the best ending is simply agreeing that you’ll both try to communicate better next time. You could say, “Can we just promise that if something is bothering us, we’ll actually say something next time?”

I know this is scary. Confrontation feels so so scary, but it’s a necessary part of growing up. So don’t be too scared to confront a bad friend! 

We got this!

Okay love you, bye bye!!!!