Author: Tulasi

Dream a dream within a dream, for smudges of uncertainty serve no purpose here.

The lines of the ceiling are etched into my eyes. I see the swallowtail caught in its grainy image, stuck forever or free to stay. I can’t decide which. Perhaps there is no difference.

Dust drips from my hands. It is purple.

A stain in my way. A splotch in theirs.

Maybe we should fly.

I delve into my thoughts so much sometimes that I get lost in them. I can take one small thought and turn it over and over until I don’t remember what it looked like when I first picked it up. I follow it down one worn path, then another, until I eventually end up in a new thought field (or cavern). Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is peaceful. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes I don’t want to deal with any of it.

But occasionally, I find something worthwhile. There are no maps, but there are patterns. Things repeat. Old thoughts return wearing new clothes. Questions I thought I had outgrown wait patiently (or impatiently) in corners I haven’t looked at, or deliberately ignored, for years. I usually find a new way of understanding myself. I understand someone else a little better (or think I do). I stumble across ideas that change the ways I see some things I thought I already understood.  I realize that a feeling I couldn’t explain has been muffled for a long time, trying to tell me something all along.

Sometimes I wonder if thinking this much is useful. It’s frustrating. There are thoughts that clarify and thoughts that only create more thoughts. There are questions that lead somewhere and questions that simply carve a crevice inside of me and make themselves comfortable.

I wander on. I don’t think getting lost is always a bad thing. We tend to think of being lost as something that needs to be fixed. You are supposed to know where you are going. You are supposed to have a destination, a plan, an answer. There is something almost embarrassing about saying, “I don’t know.”

I do think there is value in not knowing.

We are taught to treat uncertainty like an error. A filthy smudge that needs to be wiped away. A wrong answer. Something unfinished. But perhaps uncertainty is just another part of the landscape. Maybe the blurry edges are what allow us to keep moving, keep floating by, dreaming, running, achieving.

The swallowtail doesn’t need to know whether it is trapped in the wood or choosing to remain there. It is there, and I wish to do the same.

I can think. I can question. I can get lost. I can find something and carry it with me. I can leave other things behind. I can figure my way out. 

The point isn’t to finally reach the end of my thoughts. Maybe the point is to see what I find along the way and make the most out of it.

On that note, I’m really attempting to come up with some interesting, concrete concepts instead of just writing vague stuff ninety percent of the time, but that’s yet another thing I’m trying to work out with my brain. Wish me luck and I hope you have a stupendous rest of your week!

What would you do if your child thought they were a monster? How do you explain emotions, feelings, things that are bound to happen: pain, love, loss, life, to one so young? You don’t. Or you do and hope they turn out alright. There is no proven way to grow up. Pain is necessary. Love is subjective. Children are incredibly programmable. 

I think about the things I was taught when I was young and wonder how many of my beliefs were chosen by me, and how many were simply handed to me before I knew I could question them.

I believe I am responsible for everything in my life. That is a belief I have chosen in recent years (and am still working on). Not necessarily because I caused everything, but because if I take responsibility for what has happened for me, there is no one left to blame. I am not a victim of anything. It works for me.

Everything is as it should be. Even the things I don’t like. Even the things I disagree with. There doesn’t have to be a “should.” Everything is subject to change, and that’s okay. If I want to change anything at all, I have to change something within myself.

Maybe that is why I try to avoid spending too much of my energy obsessing over all the ‘wrong’ that can exist. I do not believe any good would come out of me dropping everything to hyper-fixate on problems I cannot immediately solve. I also want to reach a point where I can observe what I consider wrong in this world without feeling the need to fight against its existence. Just things to notice, accept if I can, and let go of.

I want everything to flow smoothly.

But do I?

Occasionally I imagine a life where nothing is ‘wrong’ and it sounds unbearably uneventful. Maybe that’s a limiting thought. Fun, dramatic, beautiful things can happen without disasters. A life can be eventful without being painful. But sometimes it sounds like a nice break.

Speaking of breaks, there is escapism.

I wish I could drown everything out. I don’t fully know why. Some part of me does, probably, but I don’t want to deal with that any time soon. Denial. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this.

I have spent so much time trying to understand whether I want to be here, whether I want to stay happy, whether I want anything at all.

I want to be content. Whole. Alive. I sometimes mistake detachment for peace. And sometimes it is. But I think there is something in me that wants success, certainty, more life. I realize those are normal human desires. But at the same time there is a part of me that would just love to not feel anything. Not want anything. Not even numbness. Just free. But maybe that’s why I am here. To learn and accept.

I can’t make sense of a lot of my thoughts most of the time. Or I just don’t want to. I’m trying to improve that. Trying to grab them more often and solidify them in front of me so I can look at what’s actually going on inside of me and deal with it rather than keep pushing it around and away.

I’m just trying to figure myself out and not only have little glimpses of realization only to overthink it all and drift back to inceptions. I need to remind myself that it is okay to stay adrift for a while though, as long as I eventually find some grounding path. 

I don’t have a coherent idea of what I’m doing with my life yet, but I’m still here, still questioning, still choosing to keep going, and even if I don’t figure it all out it will still be worth it. I choose to believe so.

I don’t know why this is what my thoughts spilled into but I’m glad I got this out of me. Thank you.