Tulasi – Literary Arts Blogspace

Llama

I saw a llama out in public this past weekend, and it made me very happy. Soothed my soul.

Also, be blessed by these absolute DIVAS:

They’re called Nicobar pigeons and are native to Southeast Asia. They are also the closest living relative of the dodo, and they consume small rocks 😀 ARGHGHGHGHJDGIOUIREUERVHSD I love them so much they’re such stupendous little masterpieces.

Now since I have nothing better to write, here’s more random poetry

Castle in the sky

I wish to stand atop your frozen hawk

What made you crumble so

Why don’t you

Soar free

Any longer?

Chambers

with nothing but prideful shadows

beckon inside

But you are already enchanted

all those

pastel vortexes

twist you up

But you are at ease

with your winding fate

Did its grandeur distract you from

Every illusion

On your way up

Did your feathers melt away

before they could sustain you any longer

Did you let them go willingly

Do you miss them

or do you prefer

feeling the wind

against your bare burnt body

It soothes

It slices

You are ashen

glowing

but ashen

‡

You fall

to the bottom of the ocean

Instantly

dispersing

with the fleeing waves

until there is nothing

but stillness

No more attempts at

characterizing the void

Spin me in your webs

of twilight wonder

Mold my frame into something I’d be proud of

Let me learn how to trust my own tools

Scrape away at myself

Chip chip chip

Crack crack crack

Is that why

you hid them?

You were tired

of cleaning up

after me

My stubbornness

refusing to lend

you an ear

Obstinate decisions

Unwilling choices

Decisive actions

♦

Foreign dreams

offer me a tawdry future

I want no part of

But I want the dreams

I want to know what made them want to gift me that

What made them search me out

find me

and reach their tender claws out

grab a hold of me

make themselves noticeable

implant those shrill memories

back in me

After I went through all that

to forget

Dissociate my consciousness

Bring me back to the volatile stars

I want the dreams so badly

Spirit tongues

charm me

with their

zany muttering

I miss holding them

in my makeshift palms

Pulling at them

tugging

biting them off

just to have a morsel

of what they taste

Words don’t give them justice

so I had to give it to them myself

And now there’s nothing more

I have to say

I hope you all have a fabulous fall break <333

colors

Would you like

A peek inside my head

I stare at her

and get mixed up in

all the things she’s said

That rare genuine smile

I want to drink it in

All that sweet venom

Hope she will not consider

all her time spent

A waste

↔

the way her eyes catch

on something just beyond mine

as though she is already

somewhere I cannot reach

↔

Would you like

to see what I see?

Or would you rather

I keep it to myself?

↔

Golden eye

Yellow sunset

Dandelion

Bee stripe

Desert wind

Grainy dune

Young fire

Goldfinch

Phoenix feather

Flying beneath

the midday sun

The literary wall

Headlights flashing

before you black out

Reading lamp

Five-year journal

Stinging honey

Discarded post-it note

Reading to the blind

Deaf

Dumb

A word pressed between the pages

A thought left under a door

Drowning in marginal spaces

Please succumb to this war

♦

Keep collecting evidence of yourself

in places no one thinks to look

Blood

Life

Hyacinth

Bleeding heart

Mud

Lotus

Venom

Alarm

Chapped lips

Scars

Unverified

Love

Hate

Attempts

Raging fire

Ripe clay

Birth

Death

Something always

growing out of something

already buried

∇

Something beautiful

with its roots

in something rotten

∇

Something poisonous

that still smells sweet

when you lean close enough

When you do not confront your fear head-on

It creeps up behind you

In the guise of your own

Deformed thoughts

A new pattern

Addiction

Coping mechanism

Something to justify today

and then tomorrow

and another

until the thing has learned

the shape of your life

destroying you slowly

piece by piece

gnawing away at your insides

convincing you

you have no way out

you didn’t choose this

there’s nothing you can do to change

Such a liar

The things we refuse to acknowledge

do not disappear

they ferment

waiting in the dark

with their mouths open

they come back tenfold

screaming in your face

whispering down your throat

scratching at your stomach

eat me alive

spit me back out

Dipping in and out of consciousness

Tingling legs

stabbing

A body becoming unfamiliar

one sensation at a time

the room tilts

the blood rushes somewhere

I cannot follow

I tell myself to breathe

I tell myself this is only a thought

But the thought has teeth

And somewhere beneath all of it

beneath the fear

the wanting

the fire and mud

and blood and honey

Something is still alive

Something refusing

to be swallowed

voluntary insomnia

When you’ve spent all night searching

And searching

Trying

In every crevice

Trying to find inspiration

Not insane

You say

Why would you be

Such a heavy head

Such heavy thoughts

Yet

You refuse to put them down

Refuse to throw them away

What an attachment

Useless attachment

Then you feel bad

for considering it useless

You apologize

I’m sorry

Figure it out

Just please

Leave me be

I do not want this to feel like the only time i can write so freely

I do not want to have to feel like i have to reach this point to let the words flow

They are pouring

Pouring

Through me

Did i really have to go through this so long to open myself

Just to want to close myself again

Silly girl

You do not even know what you want

You cannot be referring to want

As something you have experience with

You have such a distorted imagination

Let it rest.

Let the mind silence itself

Let the hands forget and float

Let the sentences crawl back beneath the floorboards

Where they can gnaw at the wood

Without asking to be heard

⊕

But what if the silence

Becomes another kind of hunger

◊

You should speak up more

Stand atop a mountain of ugly beliefs

Only because you consider them ugly

State your point.

◊

You should look around more

Describe the world from another’s perspective

Only because you are not them

But you could be.

◊

You should peer inside yourself more

Dig out the gunk from the crevices of your brain

Only because it’s getting really musty

Up in here.

◊

You should dream about cutting the ocean up

Swallowing its slices whole

Only because your thirst

Cannot be otherwise quenched.

◊

You should dance on your own corpse

It wouldn’t want you lying

Immobile, bored, unamused

Humor your released costume.

⊕

Let the body become something

You no longer feel obligated to carry

Like an apology.

Leap across earth

The chasms do not fear you

Why should you

Fear them

Why polish

Something that

Tears itself up on purpose

Footsteps

Smear

Green

Yellow

Red

Across the cracked granite

Pavement

Fade in

And out

Entice me

Further

Anything to keep me

Away from my own

Away from the room

Away from the small, persistent animal

Scratching beneath my ribs

Pleading to be named.

Morning is approaching

I can feel it

Pulling the dark apart

One fine silken thread at a time.

And still

I search

As though somewhere

In this wreckage

There is a better version of me

That can be found.

civilized

All i am

Is a confining statement

Or is the confinement in my head

The concept of confinement

is in itself non-existent

until i give it my energy, my attention

My very being confines itself

To fit its

Mold

How ironic.

Every barrier i have ever known

Was first built from the inside

Freedom may not be an open field

But the moment

When no one tells you

Where to stand

You think you can fly

Dear

Uninformed

child

You may have mistaken familiarity

For safety so many times

Even an unlocked door

Feels like something

you should apologize for opening

It is your decision

always

Fly

when

you

wish

All i want

is to know

You run across the halls

Down and up stairs

Like i would remember your viridian calls

You expect so much

I wish i could satisfy

Your nightmares with every touch

But you say you want to cry

So i let them begin

As if they could ever end

Shed some light

please

You know

I collect its skin

Take me to the dirt

I wish to revel in its brindled finery

Can you believe that

Blue veins

creep along your green and dusty pink patches

You form your terracotta into shapes

The stars haven’t had the privilege of witnessing

before

I must cross them

If i am to make anything

Of myself

Snippets from everyone’s

collective thoughts

Decorate my mouth

I swallow them

I can only hope they assimilate

I stuff my ears with the rich rich soil

I think i am safe

Your song

Strings a necklace of peridot

I lost

When i was seven

and happy

alive

heedless

yet so conscious

I can have that back

So incredulous

And for what

It might just choke me

again

How could i explain to you

The pain of coming across as a fog

Specifically a fog between the trunks of a forest

In the early morning

Not the murky dismal kind

That would be easier

You would feel the weight when you saw it

This fog

Mingles with the dappled sunlight

Tricks you with its lambent beauty

Until you are in its mist

And you are consumed

Disoriented

So drowsy

So unsure of yourself

The fog is unsure too

You might as well

fall

into

slumber

Dream away

my novel radiance

my apologies

There is no pain

I inflicted it upon myself

I had to get it out

I had to coerce it

It has a hard time trusting me

And i am still scared

Of showing you

i must find contentment

within my fear

please help

Fillers

Just because yesterday is your tomorrow

Does not mean i need to keep you company

In the dismal illusion that is your reality

Can’t you understand?

I want out

Your greed is not my token

Your anger is but a spout

In my ocean

You scream, a shrill, ear-piercing screech

Telling me to leave

Then once i am out of reach

Out of your condescending, over-bearing grasp

You act as if you grieve

For what

I do not wish

To pretend

Your dissatisfied hiss

I comprehend

I want an earthquake

I call out

I want the sky to break

I want to rip myself out of the flesh suit

That is not my own

There is nothing

That is mine

In the universe

Because i am

The universe.

She gifts me

Such a beautiful bouquet

Of dying flowers

It almost changes

My mind.

My light

How can i explain

Your grating voice

Carding through my hair

Your cafuné

Almost puts me to sleep

again

But i know better now

I chew up your flowers

Spit them

Straight into the eyes of the sky

Twist your voice

Pressure it

Until it paints me in the vibrancy of the stars.

Let the blood cry

No one will console it

I find the vestige of water marks

In your red carpet

Evidence of your attempts

to submerge yourself

even deeper.

I walk for seconds and years

You have never once refused to sing

an aubade with me

I find you in the seventh cloud

I fly through.

It disperses rapidly

Not desiring to be the bearer of scarlet rain

There is no dawn anymore

There is no space

No vacancy

Perhaps this is what you wanted

For me to disappear

To become a whisper

A smudge

A forgotten name

On the tongue of someone

Who never learned how to listen

But i am still here.

I am the gap

Beneath the door

The trembling glass

The thing you so gravely desire

But cannot quite reach

You think it is destruction

I think it is becoming

I shed

Every borrowed skin

Every expectation

Every diminutive piece of myself

You tucked into my pockets

And called mine

I leave them

on the floor

like dead moths

I do not carry

your weather

anymore.

Let the ocean engulf it

Let the stars swallow it

Let the earth grind it

Into something

useful.

this is the place

where i end

and everything else begins.

Things I find when I get lost

Dream a dream within a dream, for smudges of uncertainty serve no purpose here.

The lines of the ceiling are etched into my eyes. I see the swallowtail caught in its grainy image, stuck forever or free to stay. I can’t decide which. Perhaps there is no difference.

Dust drips from my hands. It is purple.

A stain in my way. A splotch in theirs.

Maybe we should fly.

I delve into my thoughts so much sometimes that I get lost in them. I can take one small thought and turn it over and over until I don’t remember what it looked like when I first picked it up. I follow it down one worn path, then another, until I eventually end up in a new thought field (or cavern). Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is peaceful. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes I don’t want to deal with any of it.

But occasionally, I find something worthwhile. There are no maps, but there are patterns. Things repeat. Old thoughts return wearing new clothes. Questions I thought I had outgrown wait patiently (or impatiently) in corners I haven’t looked at, or deliberately ignored, for years. I usually find a new way of understanding myself. I understand someone else a little better (or think I do). I stumble across ideas that change the ways I see some things I thought I already understood. I realize that a feeling I couldn’t explain has been muffled for a long time, trying to tell me something all along.

Sometimes I wonder if thinking this much is useful. It’s frustrating. There are thoughts that clarify and thoughts that only create more thoughts. There are questions that lead somewhere and questions that simply carve a crevice inside of me and make themselves comfortable.

I wander on. I don’t think getting lost is always a bad thing. We tend to think of being lost as something that needs to be fixed. You are supposed to know where you are going. You are supposed to have a destination, a plan, an answer. There is something almost embarrassing about saying, “I don’t know.”

I do think there is value in not knowing.

We are taught to treat uncertainty like an error. A filthy smudge that needs to be wiped away. A wrong answer. Something unfinished. But perhaps uncertainty is just another part of the landscape. Maybe the blurry edges are what allow us to keep moving, keep floating by, dreaming, running, achieving.

The swallowtail doesn’t need to know whether it is trapped in the wood or choosing to remain there. It is there, and I wish to do the same.

I can think. I can question. I can get lost. I can find something and carry it with me. I can leave other things behind. I can figure my way out.

The point isn’t to finally reach the end of my thoughts. Maybe the point is to see what I find along the way and make the most out of it.

On that note, I’m really attempting to come up with some interesting, concrete concepts instead of just writing vague stuff ninety percent of the time, but that’s yet another thing I’m trying to work out with my brain. Wish me luck and I hope you have a stupendous rest of your week!

Young dreams

What would you do if your child thought they were a monster? How do you explain emotions, feelings, things that are bound to happen: pain, love, loss, life, to one so young? You don’t. Or you do and hope they turn out alright. There is no proven way to grow up. Pain is necessary. Love is subjective. Children are incredibly programmable.

I think about the things I was taught when I was young and wonder how many of my beliefs were chosen by me, and how many were simply handed to me before I knew I could question them.

I believe I am responsible for everything in my life. That is a belief I have chosen in recent years (and am still working on). Not necessarily because I caused everything, but because if I take responsibility for what has happened for me, there is no one left to blame. I am not a victim of anything. It works for me.

Everything is as it should be. Even the things I don’t like. Even the things I disagree with. There doesn’t have to be a “should.” Everything is subject to change, and that’s okay. If I want to change anything at all, I have to change something within myself.

Maybe that is why I try to avoid spending too much of my energy obsessing over all the ‘wrong’ that can exist. I do not believe any good would come out of me dropping everything to hyper-fixate on problems I cannot immediately solve. I also want to reach a point where I can observe what I consider wrong in this world without feeling the need to fight against its existence. Just things to notice, accept if I can, and let go of.

I want everything to flow smoothly.

But do I?

Occasionally I imagine a life where nothing is ‘wrong’ and it sounds unbearably uneventful. Maybe that’s a limiting thought. Fun, dramatic, beautiful things can happen without disasters. A life can be eventful without being painful. But sometimes it sounds like a nice break.

Speaking of breaks, there is escapism.

I wish I could drown everything out. I don’t fully know why. Some part of me does, probably, but I don’t want to deal with that any time soon. Denial. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this.

I have spent so much time trying to understand whether I want to be here, whether I want to stay happy, whether I want anything at all.

I want to be content. Whole. Alive. I sometimes mistake detachment for peace. And sometimes it is. But I think there is something in me that wants success, certainty, more life. I realize those are normal human desires. But at the same time there is a part of me that would just love to not feel anything. Not want anything. Not even numbness. Just free. But maybe that’s why I am here. To learn and accept.

I can’t make sense of a lot of my thoughts most of the time. Or I just don’t want to. I’m trying to improve that. Trying to grab them more often and solidify them in front of me so I can look at what’s actually going on inside of me and deal with it rather than keep pushing it around and away.

I’m just trying to figure myself out and not only have little glimpses of realization only to overthink it all and drift back to inceptions. I need to remind myself that it is okay to stay adrift for a while though, as long as I eventually find some grounding path.

I don’t have a coherent idea of what I’m doing with my life yet, but I’m still here, still questioning, still choosing to keep going, and even if I don’t figure it all out it will still be worth it. I choose to believe so.

I don’t know why this is what my thoughts spilled into but I’m glad I got this out of me. Thank you.