For those who know what the term “Inpatient” means I today will be discussing my experiences while in facilities. For those who do not know what inpatient means it is when someone goes into a facility to hold them due to their mental health. I was one of those individuals and today I am going to speak on my experiences as inpatient facilities and how they are run are often overlooked.

The first time I was admitted to a facility I couldn’t have been older than eleven. I remember being terrified as I was worried what the room, I was put in would be like, how the staff would treat me, and most importantly how the other patients would act. I failed to realize that I would end up being one of the most out of it patients there and wouldn’t have much to fear. The facility I stayed at is part of UMMC and it is known as 3 Circle and is only for adolescents twelve and under. There I had a small room with hospital grade sheets and one pillow which felt similar to concrete. I honestly got no help there other than the different medicines they tried on me. I also was introduced to psychiatrists there and doctors who made me realize in the medical world some people view others as only a test rat and a statistic. At a very young age I was told I would never be able to hold down a job, have a family, or ever be successful. As many can see that is not true as I am now at an art school writing for the world to see. This however would not be my last encounter with doctors and psychiatrists like this and it would be far from my last time being hospitalized and having to stay in facilities.

My second stay in a facility was when I was around twelve to thirteen it’s hard to remember exact dates and ages from that part of my life. I was admitted to UMMC first due to some of my symptoms that had started to manifest at a rate quicker than which my medicine could keep up with.  I was told then that I had aged out of three circle and now would need to go inpatient somewhere else. I then was admitted to the place that I would go on to visit two more times. Also known as Brentwood. My first stay there was when I truly had my eyes opened to others struggles and when I also learned how bad my condition truly was. I was put on a concoction of different medications which only dug my grave deeper. All the while though I learned the stories of other patients. I learned that CPS is a cruel and twisted system I learned social workers could make or break a child’s life. I learned the world is not white and black and there are many individuals who no matter how hard they try the world is just not on their side. I stayed in Brentwood for fourteen days and my psychiatrist tried to send me to a long-term facility and told me daily that my illness wasn’t real and that I was simply faking. I then learned how powerful mania is and that you should not tell a drugged up thirteen-year-old girl she is faking symptoms. That led me to get my first “dog shot” and be put in a solitary room with only a small window to provide light. I learned that day what true dehumanization was.

My second stay was at most two months later. I had overdosed and was a threat to myself and others. By now I was severely overweight due to the medications I was on and running off of adrenaline and mania all the time. I had no been inpatient for even a week when I decided to pull the fire alarm in order to unlock all of the facility’s doors. Fun fact there is a huge wooden fence which surrounds Brentwood. So, I truly did not get far before I was manhandled back inside and given a shot to “mellow me out” and also thrown into the solitary room once again to prevent me from further escapes.

My third time in Brentwood was the first time I can truly say I got better. I was put with a different psychiatrist and luckily, he was one who listened. He put me on different medications that truly helped and kept a close eye on any side effects they had on me. Of course, like many inpatient psychiatrists he was not the nicest but all that mattered is that he got me on the right track. My most recent stay though I was subject to the most harassment I had ever delt with. Though harassment is sadly common in most inpatient facilities. But I have worked past it and accepted it is something that I can use to make myself stronger. Through all of this I have learned and recommend that absolutely no one unless in dire condition should go inpatient. Always try extensive therapy or outside psychiatrist because nine times out of ten if you land inpatient the only way they will help you is with medication. So, stay safe y’all! 

This year, Halloween is very different for me. Usually on this spooky holiday, I am surrounded by loved ones. We typically decorate cookies and gather around to watch horror movies. My favorite part is taking my younger brothers (4 & 7) Trick or Treating, all dressed in our costumes. Unfortunately this year, my family is spread apart. My older brother is 45 minutes away from my younger brothers and I am 2 hours and 52 minutes away from all of them. Instead of being upset about the distance, I’d rather reminisce on the times we were together for this holiday. 

When I was younger, I remember always wanting to match my older brother. Whether it was in first grade with the neon Nike shoes or our Halloween costumes, I always wanted to be like him. I eventually grew out of that because now I’m his biggest hater, yet his biggest supporter. We would have our costumes correlate so they weren’t exactly alike. One year we were both vampires, but we used different makeup and cloaks so we weren’t identical. Another year, we were Woody and Jessie from Toy Story. I remember wanting to be Woody, but that did not work in my favor. In the picture, I look a tad demonic. I was young and I had just thrown my purple glow stick, so cut young me some slack. I’ve noticed that matching is a common aspect among siblings who are close in age just by watching my younger brothers grow up. They do it as well when it comes to clothes and costumes. 

During Halloween time, we would bake cookies and decorate them. My mom had a collection of cookie cutters for all holidays. She also had a recipe for edible paint that we would use to color and decorate the cookies. I remember vividly one year watching Spookley the Square Pumpkin/other seasonal children’s movies and decorating these cookies. 

We had one neighborhood we would go to for Trick or Treating. It was very big and gave out tons of candy. The walking always wore me out by the end of the night but I always had fun with it. I remember getting scared by the inanimate decorations outside of people’s homes. A couple of years back, I got scared half to death by a man simply sitting in his chair handing out candy. I refused to walk up to him like a toddler (in my defense, he had terrifying makeup on that made him look like he was straight out of a horror film). Although I was 13, it was still embarrassingly frightening.

 I love Halloween (spooky season) and cannot wait for October 31st. This was a new type of blogging style, getting more personal. I enjoyed it a lot more than the other kinds that I have been doing, so expect a lot more 🙂

When I’m sitting in a space for a long time, I think of all the things I’ve ever done in life. For example, I’ve rode a pogo stick and I once climbed a very high tree. When I was 12, I went on a diet where I only ate strawberry yogurt. I used to push safety pins beneath the very thin layer of my hand. The dead skin layer, that did not make my hand bleed. These memories aren’t big accomplishments, but they are on the top of my head. I associate my past self with them. And they are all memories from childhood, years and years ago. It bewilders me that I can remember this stuff from long ago, but I don’t know what I did this past year or last week.  Sometimes I think it’s because I am not interesting enough. I don’t do all those weird things that kids do anymore, I’m not that excited about life. Therefore, my brain chooses not to remember me.

 I had a conversation this weekend with my friend, and it completely changed my view on this. We were talking about things, people, cars, air conditioning. Stuff you talk about with people you know. And they randomly told me they once lived on a farm with cows, horses and all kinds of herd. They gave very detailed descriptions of this memory, and I was dumbfounded. It seemed like they had lived this kind of life every day. Even if they did not, they have at least thought of the memory every day. But once the story was over, they looked as dumbfounded as I did. They asked me afterward, “do you ever have those moments of life that you simply do not remember until you sit down and start saying them out loud?” Firstly, I thought it was impressive that they had discovered this story from deep within their mind. It was amazing.

But when I thought about it a little longer, I started to understand what they were talking about. If this memory had suddenly sprang up on them, then maybe my problem was the opposite of that. I think most of the time we know about ourselves through our conscious minds, but our subconscious minds can play a huge role in it as well. Some memories are easier to pull up. Other memories are stored for later until something springs them up. In this case, it was the act of conversation. But it can be more things like a certain activity, maybe golfing.

I thought this was interesting to think about because I feel like I am not recording anything I do these days. The days just fly by, and it seems like I am taking them for granted. But what if I do remember them? I just can’t access them in the way I access memories that have more time behind them.

Superior Spider-Man is probably one of my favorite Spider-Man comics ever. I liked this comic so much that I even wrote a screenplay on it for a creative writing assignment last year. So, now you all have to read my yap about Superior Spider-Man.

It first came out in the 90s and was left alone for a while until the better version of it was made in 2013. It starts off with Spider-Man going to meet a dying Otto Octavius (who had been known to be reformed). He wanted to say goodbye before Otto died. They were talking to each other for a while until one of Otto’s robots rose and stabbed Spidey in the neck with a needle. That needle transferred Otto’s brainwaves to Spidey’s mind, and Sidey’s brainwaves to Otto’s mind. So, this meant that peter was now in Otto’s dying body and Otto was now Spider-Man and Peter died.

Otto was ready to ruin the name Spider-Man, but instead he saw all of Peter’s memories. His happiness, his struggles, his family, and his reason for being a hero. This changed Otto. Otto still was cocky and had his personality, but he had Peter’s ambitions. He was ready to be spider-Man. But he was going to be a Superior Spider-Man.

Otto quickly got to doing Spidey work. The only problem was, he had no idea the extent of Spider-Mans power. So, when he fought Scorpion first, he knocked his jaw off with one punch. That obviously killed Scorpion. That made Otto realize that Peter could’ve killed him at any moment, but instead pulled his punches. He saw Peter as weak because of that. That gave him one more reason to think he was Superior. 

He continued his work as Spider-Man. All he did was beat villains to a pulp. The public saw this and started to hate Spider-Man. He was no longer the Friendly-Neighborhood Spider-Man they knew. He hated that. He started to feel less superior and tried to fight more crime.

At some point, the Green Goblin started a rampage on the city. Doc Ock had to try and save the whole city from him. This was when he realized that he just wasn’t good enough. Then, he heard Peter’s voice in his head. A part of Peter lived on in his mind and was fighting to take back control. Him and Octavius then had a conversation, and Octavius agreed to give Peter his body back. This was the end of Otto Octavius and thus, the old Spider-Man was back to save the day.

It’s been a while since I’ve done an overwatch blog, so I’m coming back with some of my favorite characters and the lore behind them. One of my favorite things about overwatch is the backstory they give their characters. In the world of Overwatch, it takes place in the future. There was an omnic war where robots and humans fought. Only some characters actually fought in the war, and there’s also a group of evil people who were in the group Talon. So, I will be yapping about backstories and maybe get more into the actual groups another day.

So, the first backstory video I watched was Hanzo & Genji Shimada

Hanzo ad Genji grew up in Hanamura, Japan. Their family was the Shimada clan, a family of assassins that was established hundreds of years ago. When their father died, he instructed that Hanzo straighten out his younger brother, Genji, who was a troublemaker. During a dispute between the two Hanzo was forced to kill his brother. With a sword, which he had promised to never use again, Hanzo abandoned his brother half dead. Genji was found by Mercy and his body is now mostly robot. After the healing and coming to terms with his new body Genji studied with Zenyatta, who is monk, and learned peace, he forgave his brother. They met 20 years later; Hanzo would sneak into the castle and sit by a shrine that was made for Genji. Genji found him, but Hanzo didn’t know it was him until omgee dragons!! The two brothers have these dragon spirits that only the Shimada clan has. At the end of the fight Genji tells him that he forgave him and all that’s left to do is forgive himself.

Next up! Hana Song aka D.Va

Hana grew up in Busan, South Korea. She was a professional gamer, who was chosen to be a part of a group called MEKA since they claimed gamers would be able to control the mechs easily. D.va was chosen for her outstanding skill. South Korea established the mechanized armored drone unit to fight against a colossal mechanical monstrosity that rose from the depths of the East China Sea. The robotic creature caused terrible damage to coastal cities before retreating back to the city. In her video she is seen overworking herself, fixing her own mech and improving it as the robot evolves. She leaves to fight it on her own when it suddenly rises from the sea due to not having enough time to wait on her team. She fights the giant robot all by herself and ends up breaking a leg where she promises to take more time to rest.

Niran PruksaManee aka Lifeweaver

Niran grew up in Chiang Mai, Thailand. He was the middle child in an extremely wealthy family who always had high expectations for their children. His family believed in perfection, and he did not. He spent all of his time planting alongside his family’s gardeners. Early in his life he was too smart for everything, often getting answers wrong for overcomplicating them. His parents sent him to the prestigious Vishkar Architech Academy, desperate to instill order in Niran. While at the school Niran discovered hard light, something the founder couldn’t share due to Vishkar implementing restrictions to technology. Using the structure, Niran created something new. An unstable biolight that could create organic material and heal the world in a blink of an eye. Niran wanted to gift it to the world, but Vishkar wanted to claim ownership of the invention. Niran ended up leaving the school and his parents begged for him to return, cutting off all of the money he had from them. Niran retreated to the Atlantic Arcology where he stayed and perfected biolight, making it more stable.